Partner's teenage DD making life hell

[footieandfood]

I'll preface this by saying I'm a guy, looking for advice.
Partner and I have been together 5 years, got engaged after 2 years. We live separately but see each other several times a week. I stay over at hers and vice versa, subject to our work shifts.
My partner has 2 daughters and 2 sons, the eldest DD (almost 20) is absolutely lovely, very kind, warm-hearted and respectful. The DS are both living away from home so I don't see them often but when I do, we get on well and they've always been respectful.
The youngest DD aged 14 is another story. She's been rude and spiteful to me ever since I appeared "on the scene". Tells me (in front of her mum) that she hopes I get dumped, wishes me dead and that her mum doesn't really love me.. Of course I know that's nonsense but it's still not nice to hear on repeat.
She's spiteful to her mum too, screams at her to f* off. There's been a pattern of her refusing to attend school over the last year. Mum has checked with school and friends etc, no issues like bullying or struggles with the work. The DD is extremely bright, excels (when at school) and gets good marks.
During the summer we went away for a week and this DD kept trying to get into our bedroom (locked for privacy) at night. When she couldn't get in, she would hang around outside the bedroom room and scratched the door with her nails, making stupid animal noises.
No diagnosis of anything medically wrong with her and no neuro-diversity diagnosis.
I'm at a loss to understand her behavior and it's putting a strain of the relationship. Her mum lets her swear and scream at her, no boundaries etc in place. Obviously it upsets me to see/hear my partner being treated in such a way by a 14 year old child.
Any advice?

Sorry you are in this position. 14 years olds are notoriously difficult, but this sounds extreme. It sounds like she has been most impacted by your partner's separation from her father and by your relationship with her mother. I imagine she is feeling insecure. I'm a bit confused by the summer bedroom incident - did your partner's daughter go with you? In any case, the scratching and animal noises are certainly not normal behavior. How did her mum respond to this behaviour? How do you react when she is rude and spiteful to you?

As MNetters often say though - 'you have a DP problem' rather than a problem with her DD. Her DD is a child. Your DP needs to be parenting more effectively in this situation - putting her DD's needs first, and addressing whatever insecurities are causing her to act out in this fashion with her/you/in school. She also needs to be putting boundaries in place, with consequences for breaching them, in relation to her DD treating her (and you) with respect and consideration.

What does her mother say about her behaviour? Does she thinks it’s normal/has she sought out any help? Is the father still involved/does she have a decent relationship with him?

If I was the mother I’d probably be looking into getting her some therapy and seen by a child psychologist to rule out any neurodivergence etc. if boundaries/open communication wasn’t showing any improvements. It sounds like she hasn’t come to terms with her parents separating and is seeking to have her mother’s full attention. Not much you can do unless the mother is on board with it though.

When you say she has no neurodiversity diagnosis, has she been assessed? This sounds extreme and she sounds a very unhappy child. There will be a reason.

Unfortunately the dad is no longer involved. He lives abroad and only makes contact when he "has time", couple of times per year on average.
My partner (the mum) feels it's best to just let her get off her chest whatever she wanted to say. Mum feels it's best to just keep calm, not "answer back" or shout etc. She worries this will cause the situation to escalate or "blow up". So, in effect, the DD is being shown by mum that she can behave as badly as she wants without any consequences.
Her mum tends to treat her with kid gloves because she's the youngest.

Your partner's daughter needs her mom to get her to therapy and be assessed for neurodivergence.

Your relationship is having an extremely negative impact on her daughter and so is your staying over. It might be time to back off a bit and allow her time to stabilize and have therapy and reevaluate. I think daughter's needs for mental health assessment and care should come first.

I’m not understanding why the two of you grown ups are pushing forward with this relationship with such force?

it is very very clear the dd doesn’t want you around. So. Back off?

why would you go on holiday together?!? It’s all baffling.

shes 14. Old enough to stay in the house on her own, so just go out on dates, or to your house if her sister is there overnight.

reassess in a year.

If you don’t live together, I don’t really see any need for you to be so involved in the 14 year olds life? This isn’t a blended families situation - why can’t you and your partner spend time together away from her? Her behaviour does extreme, but at the same time I also don’t see why she really needs to a part of the relationship whilst you live separately.

putting some space there sounds like it would do this situation good.

School refusal usually means some kind of ND.

So does the behaviour you describe. Look up PDA parenting.

Shes hanging round the door at night on holiday because she’s anxious and feels threatened and scared.

How can the two of you not see this?

I was going to suggest you don’t stay over as much to give here DD space. She’s clearly not handling sharing her mum with you well. She does need therapy, her behaviour is concerning. A big factor is prob a feeling of abandonment from her dad and passive parenting for your partner as she doesn’t want to upset her.

If my mum locker herself at night with no matter who , I would bloody kick the door down. And I am not even a teen but a old 50 year old

I thought of PDA too…

This isn’t the relationship for you

OP, Shouting and answering back won’t help, but boundaries will. You need a bit of time before you can set these.

The big one is obvious - DD doesn’t get to control adults. She’s a child with volcanic feelings and it’s not in her best interests to think she’s the boss.

I suspect she’s scared. Her DF has betrayed her and she’s terrified DM will do too. DM needs to wear the big shoes here - Find out what else her DD is scared of & use a therapist.

Does the dd know you have been engaged for 3 years? How quickly did you arrive on the scene when her dad left (and how quickly did her dad go overseas?)

She must have been young - you’ve been with mum for 5 years so that makes her only 9 when you started dating mum. The eldest was 15 at the time, right)?

Not many single mums with 4 kids find time for dating - what do you imagine it was like for a 9 year old girl and her older siblings in these years? Mum sounds very passive and dad has all but abandoned her. It’s hard to hate your mum but it’s easy to transfer your hate and anger at her onto a nearby target (you).

The problem here is mum.

OP, this is a child whose parent has abandoned her. Stop talking about her as though she is a problem. This isn’t the relationship for you if you can’t back off and keep your involvement strictly to your partner only.

The question is why your partner is allowing this behaviour. They should have taught her good manners a long time ago.

There’s nothing you can do about it yourself. It won’t end well for you if you do involve yourself directly in chastising the daughter.

When you say that your DP should set “boundaries” i.e.punishment what is it you mean? A smack? Put in the naughty corner? Sent away to live elsewhere?

Punishments rarely work with this age group and certainly not with a kid this badly behaved. You take the phone, she runs away and then you have no means to track her. You ground her, she sneaks out. You stop giving her money, she steals it or worse gets it from men.

What works is understanding, working together and acceptance of sometimes this is how it is and this too, will pass. Something that really helped me and my troubled teen was walking together. Not talking, just walking with headphones on but together.

But I appreciate the most people CBA to parent a naughty kid that’s not their own so no one would blame you for dialling back a bit and you and your DP can see each other without kids.

Totally agree. Funny that step dads and mums never see it from the step child’s perspective isn’t it. Poor kid.

Is she doing the silly noises because she heard you both making intimate noises by any chance.she is the youngest and is obviously immature and hurting over maybe her mum and dad or maybe because she hasn’t got mum to herself anymore.

Why would you saddle yourself with a woman with FOUR kids, and by multiple dads it seems, when there are so many lovely single and childless women who would love to be engaged and grow a family together? Is it beer flavored nipples or something?

Poor girl, she’s been messed up by her parents. Abandoned by her dad and let down by her mum who introduced you at a very difficult point in any young person’s life, never mind one who already has trauma. Mum could have put her own wants aside and focused on raising her kids to adulthood before thinking about another relationship. It sounds like the daughter needs therapy or to speak with a professional and you need to not be around her, at least for the time being. You and mum can still have a relationship where you spend time together away from her child. Or, you can date women who don’t have children.

The locked out the room on holiday part makes me feel so sad for her. As a single mum to a teenager, I would never force some guy into his life, his home, his bloody holidays. I can keep my dating life separate to my child until he’s no longer a child or I wouldn’t date.

This business with your bedroom door - reminds me of an incident with my lovely DSD at the same sort of age. Turned out she thought she could hear us making love and it really freaked her out. The animal noises would tie in with this. Children should not be aware of adults having sex.

Then there is something seriously wrong with you. Utterly batshit that you think you have the right to just walk into your mum's bedroom at night when she is sleeping in there with a partner. And if she had the door locked for privacy you would then commit criminal damage to get inside.

The girl is 14. A child, she has every right to access her dm when needed.

I can't get past the fact that door is locked against her and then, when she wants to come in, it is kept lock and she's left to scratch at the fucking door.

I'm also uncomfortable with your referenes to the other children being "respectful" - they're young adults the moment someone (usually a man) refers to other adults, particularly children of someone or women, as "respectful" or "disrespectful" a flag goes up for me.

I think this woman should back off on her relationship with you and work on making her child feel more secure. And you should back off and respect that a hormonal teenager with a traumatic background of being abandoned might need a bit more reassurance and, yes, "respet" than she's currently getting.