Partner's teenage DD making life hell

[footieandfood]

I'll preface this by saying I'm a guy, looking for advice.
Partner and I have been together 5 years, got engaged after 2 years. We live separately but see each other several times a week. I stay over at hers and vice versa, subject to our work shifts.
My partner has 2 daughters and 2 sons, the eldest DD (almost 20) is absolutely lovely, very kind, warm-hearted and respectful. The DS are both living away from home so I don't see them often but when I do, we get on well and they've always been respectful.
The youngest DD aged 14 is another story. She's been rude and spiteful to me ever since I appeared "on the scene". Tells me (in front of her mum) that she hopes I get dumped, wishes me dead and that her mum doesn't really love me.. Of course I know that's nonsense but it's still not nice to hear on repeat.
She's spiteful to her mum too, screams at her to f* off. There's been a pattern of her refusing to attend school over the last year. Mum has checked with school and friends etc, no issues like bullying or struggles with the work. The DD is extremely bright, excels (when at school) and gets good marks.
During the summer we went away for a week and this DD kept trying to get into our bedroom (locked for privacy) at night. When she couldn't get in, she would hang around outside the bedroom room and scratched the door with her nails, making stupid animal noises.
No diagnosis of anything medically wrong with her and no neuro-diversity diagnosis.
I'm at a loss to understand her behavior and it's putting a strain of the relationship. Her mum lets her swear and scream at her, no boundaries etc in place. Obviously it upsets me to see/hear my partner being treated in such a way by a 14 year old child.
Any advice?

The poster who I quoted and responded to is in her 50s!!! It was her saying she would break the door down. Fuck sake, reading a short post really isn't that difficult.

And actually, no, a 14 year old doesn't have a right to access their mum whenever they want. Do you really think it's OK for her to walk in on her mum in the shower because she wants to ask what is for dinner?

She was 9 when you "came on the scene". He own father has all but abandoned her. Instead of wondering why this child is disrupting your love life, why don't you give some thought to the trauma of what she's been through and how your presence in her family makes her feel? Why does no one ever think how awful this can be children? She doesn't have to like you, tolerate you or be respectful. She needs love and attention. Not a locked door.

She quite clearly has abandonment issues and rejection sensitivity. She most likely isn't NT either. Her mum should really put her first here and stop pushing on with this relationship that you have. The girl is petrified that you are now taking her only parent away and her mum is confirming that by actually locking her out of her space and not allowing her in when she is with you. Her mum doesn't seem to understand what is going on so you, as an adult, should step away from this relationship or at least bring it back to a casual dating stage for the child's sake. It wil never be a healthy and fulfilling relationship whilst all this is going on.

You sound mentally unwell. Grown ups are allowed to lock their door for privacy from children and adults with no boundaries.

I was 8 when my dad ‘abandoned’ me. He never really bothered with me (had a new woman in his life) and, by the age of 11, contact stopped altogether. I’m 53 now and this still bothers me (and has affected my relationships with men). He died when I was 30 and no-one bothered to tell his 3 children (my brothers were quite a bit older than me and had left home when I was 8 so it didn’t have as much of an impact on them).

Believe me, this poor girl will be going through a terrible time. The last thing she needs is another man in the house to take her father’s place. If her father had stayed in touch with her, things may be different. The feeling of abandonment, from one of the people who should provide that love, safety and security in younger/informative years, is overwhelming. She will not get over it. Ever.

My mum didn’t get involved with anyone else. Well, she did. A man she’d met at a singles club. I remember scowling at him - it didn’t last long.

I would back off a bit. If you want the relationship to continue, don’t do it under her nose all the time. She’ll be 18 in 4 years time and things will be different then. The mum should stay at yours and I wouldn’t take the 14 year old on holiday with you. Let her mum take her somewhere and you could have a separate holiday with her mum.

I think the father has a lot of responsibility around this. A lot of it is his fault.

I wouldn’t allow my DC to speak to anyone like that. You do have a DP problem.

I feel a bit sorry for her tbh.

Everyone else in her family has moved on, but she’s still left there in a situation she can’t control, by herself a lot of the time with her mum and her new partner.

Her dad has left. Her brothers have moved out. Her older sister as an adult now so probably working / out with friends most of the time - and her mother has a boyfriend who is round half the time. The family life she knows has collapsed, and has been replaced by something she obviously doesn’t like.

plus - being 14 is already terrible.

The dd is struggling with the relationship and possibly other issues, her behaviour is extreme. Tbh the mother should end her relationship and focus on her child’s mental health issues

How bizarre. As a 50 year old woman you’d refuse to allow your mother privacy and resort to ‘kicking the door down?’ Have you been assessed by the mental health team?

You lock the door!?
She is not some sort of pet you lock out at night.

Shes a human being who is hurt and abandoned, and you’re commandeering her mother and separating her by doing that.

You have to earn respect, so treating her with kindness and some serious understanding might be a very good start.

She sounds like she needs more quality time and reassurance with her mum. You need to back off from staying over at her house and encroaching.
i agree with the previous comment re you commenting on the children’s respectfulness. That implies you hold a position of authority in some way over this girl?

What a deranged comment !!

Your expectation of 'respect' from people came across loudly. These people don't owe you any more respect than you owe to them. I hope you see that. You aren't somehow more deserving of respect because - what? Because you've loved longer? Are the new 'man of the house'??

I echo what pp have said about about why your DP's daughter might be unhappy. Being disgarded by her father, having a new man move in and therefore feeling like she's losing her mum. She must be in turmoil, and I think she needs some help to work through her feelings.

In the meantime, I hope you can see that it would be best to withdraw a little, to let her have plenty of time one on one with her mum. Not to reward bad beahviour, but because that's what she needs. She also needs to understand that she can't dictate who her Mum is friends with, but for now her unhappiness has to come first.

I hope the 'respect' thing didn't mean anything, but would implore you to have a think about whether you entered their family situation expecting some sort of automatic respect for your position.

It sounds like she’s in need of some decent therapy.

What an utterly bizarre comment.

I have a lock on my bedroom door because I aka grown adult and deserve privacy in my own home when I want it.

maybe you should look into your boundaries with people in your life, your train of thought isn’t healthy or normal.

Wow! If you can’t see why she’s upset, you’re as bad as everyone else who’s abandoned her!

I’d hazard a guess at ND - probably Autism, PDA. This child is super anxious. I would be looking into therapy and assessments. I would back off if I was you and let your DP be there for her daughter as her daughter needs her desperately.

I agree with the majority that this child has abandonment issues.
Her dad doesn't care and makes no effort.
Her mum is moving on with her life. Which she has a right to do.
So she is either having to cope with you around her house, or her mum staying overnight away with you. Either is tough.
She doesn't need to be ND to find this hard.
Having no boundaries also makes kids and teens feel insecure. Being able to act in any way without any form of limit is terrifying too, and also speaks of a 'lack of care' to the child. It may seem like a kindness, but no boundaries is actually making her feel more insecure.
I would suggest the mum takes some time to be consistently at home, without you, talks to her DD and explains that she won't be leaving you but that does not mean she loves her any less. And that boundaries are needed. Then agree those boundaries (on both sides) for instance agree a timetable of your visits that are reliable and stuck to. Days she has access to her mother alone. What behaviour should look like on both sides. Etc.

This. Sounds very worrisome.

Back to the OP: it sounds like the mum has checked out on parenting her daughter prioritising her relationship with you or she would work on setting boundaries instead of ignoring her daughter.

I think you should back out of this relationship

The parenting is at the root of this. Let her get it off her chest indeed to save it blowing up...!? Its your partner you need to tackle about this.

Hopefully just a wind up post. Otherwise, you have serious issues.

I also think she is ND. A diagnosis would definitely help. The fact she doesn't have a diagnosis doesn't mean she is not ND. People either are or aren't, regardless of a diagnosis.

@footieandfood , I think you need to step back, reduce the time you are spending at your partner's house, significantly. Try treating the DD with respect and curiosity. Try to find out a bit more about her interests. Take a massive step back.

Can your partner or you afford a screening ro see whether the DD is hitting the markers for needing an Autism/ADHD assessment. I did this privately where I live. The screening was £250.

This is so weird it's absolutely batshit! I have a vision of a late middle-aged woman kicking down a bedroom door because her mother was in bed with a man in a locked (hotel) room!

Just run!. It will end in tears.