No longer attracted to husband

[SugarSpice2020]

Has anyone else who’s been married / I’m committed relationship for several years lost attraction for their spouse & gone off sex? While spouse has not & still wants sex?? If so, how did you cope/resolve this, especially if you have/ had young kids?

I feel this has happened to me. Our relationship was not, I see now, built on a solid foundation of shared interests / humour / experiences. Mentally we are very different - he’s focused on numbers / business & loves a party. I am more creative, love books, music etc, happy to be alone; but feel very lonely that we can’t seemingly engage in stimulating conversation. He has zero ideas for activities / cooking / holidays / you name it. All me. It’s made me feel estranged from him & I definitely don’t want sex.
we also have a 5 year old & I’m not currently working (both of which probably don’t help w libido issue or feeling isolated).

But I could be happy enough (since he’s a good partner & parent & soon I’ll get a small job). IF he didn’t want regular and ‘intimate’ sex several times a week, or even once tbh. I could tolerate passively lying there, but it’s not satisfactory to him. I understand - he wants loving (if not passionate) sex & currently feels physically dissatisfied & emotionally rejected.
but I just feel awkward suddenly kissing & being naked w him. Feels like he’s a stranger.

I can’t imagine this changing because I think the major cause of being turned off is my dawning realisation we are mentally incompatible & I find it hard to feel attached & affectionate with someone who just doesn’t share my humour / interests. despite all his achievements in work etc.

has anyone else faced this? And if you have/had kids, what did you do?
Separating is a last resort for us (especially as we live in the US & I want to return to the uk). But how can we live both unhappy / dissatisfied? I / we can try counselling again but I’m not sure how much it can help.
thank you!

Sorry to hear this
What got you together if you have nothing at all in common? Was it just sexual attraction which has now worn off, is that what you mean?
Did you notice a growing apart as you became parents and focused on that?
Are you fulfilling yourself and your own interests - are you putting yourself sometimes or are you living through your family? Perhaps you have been neglecting yourself a bit and lost your spark?
Lastly, if you did split and saw him with someone else would you feel relieved or upset?
I suppose what I'm saying is, whatever brought you together, is it still there buried, or is it really gone?

You've found yourself mentally and emotionally incompatible and you have no desire to have sex with him because of that. You need that mental and emotional connection for sex to happen and it's no longer there. He feels like a stranger to you.

He wants sex to be part of his marriage.

You're incompatible with him on multiple levels. You shouldn't have sex you don't want to. But it's okay for him to want a sex life in his marriage. You can't expect to go no sex and stay married.

So, your marriage has run its course and it's time to split. It's likely going to be complicated as it involves you relocating. Hopefully he'll agree. You could try marriage counseling but it doesn't really sound recoverable. You both have different needs for connection and that's not likely to change.

I could have written this post myself OP but I needed to read this advice from @outerspacepotato. I have tortured myself for so long over it but I accept today that we’re done. Thank you x

Suggestions, is it worth exploring what you can do to boost yourself, love yourself, through a job, hobbies and interests.

Also, is it worth having a conversation with your husband about feeling disconnected. See if there is something you can connect on,an interest, a hobby, a shared sport. Hopefully there is something you can rebuild your connection through?

Emphasize that you need connection to feel passion....see if he can understand, to motivate him to understand.

You could go a step further and say that your concerned that otherwise you'll need to split up.

For what it's worth, I don't think this is uncommon. I do think that we should talk about this more and talk about how to work through it, if both parties want to. Good luck.

Going through this too, hoping to make it out the other side. But don't forsee it any time soon 🤣

I disagree that shared mutual interests are the crux of a good relationship or attraction. Shared core values + physical attraction are of far, far more importance.

For that reason, I wonder what’s going on with your relationship on that level – both now and in the past.

My DH and I have very few shared interests. He is numbers, reticence, science, outdoorsy, homebody. I am arty, loud, impulsive and social. We don’t have the same sense of humour and have few overlapping film, music and TV interests.

He’s still utterly my favourite person in the world and I fancy him to bits.

It seems unlikely to say the least he’ll involve his child being moved to a different continent

If you're in America can't you try counselling? I'd give that a go first before ending your marriage.

I could be your husband. My wife of over a decade and I have reached stalemate. Our children are older, but have special needs. We are strong and close as a family, and neither of us wants to separate. But she doesn't want sex with me any more.

I could tolerate passively lying there

Please don't do this. It won't help, as you have already observed. It will make you feel like shit, and while it might shut your husband up for a while, it won't make him happy.

I just feel awkward suddenly kissing & being naked w him. Feels like he’s a stranger. I can’t imagine this changing because I think the major cause of being turned off is my dawning realisation we are mentally incompatible & I find it hard to feel attached & affectionate with someone who just doesn’t share my humour / interests. despite all his achievements in work etc.

You didn't say, but I'm going to assume you haven't told him any of this.

You HAVE to tell him this. Spell it out to him unambiguously and see what he says. He's a big boy, he can take it. You're married with a child and you obviously both have a lot to lose. You're also obviously both smart people, so see if you can brainstorm some solutions together.

Counselling might help BUT you have to bring honesty and vulnerability to the table.

For God's sake stop stringing him along and throwing him breadcrumbs in the form of occasional passionless encounters. Again, it won't even help. It's going to make you both miserable.

It sounds like a fundamental incompatibility that will only become more glaring with time. I have ended relationships with perfectly lovely men because there was no "stimulating conversation" and all the intellectual/emotional vim and life energy came from me. It wasn't their fault, nor was it mine, that we weren't compatible.

The longer you stay trying to force a round peg into a square hole, the more miserable you and he will become, and the more time you BOTH lose not having a more compatible partner.

That's no life. And forcing yourself to have sex - it's termed unwanted consensual sex - often leads to utter revulsion and aversion to your partner. Once it sets it, it's almost impossible to recover from it. Don't do that to yourself (or him).

I've been on both sides of this.

You're marriage is dead in the water and it's not fair on your husband if he wants sex and you don't. You'd be getting the relationship you want and he doesn't.

End it and out him out of his misery.

You may have to start with the practicalities, OP.

What visa is your husband on? And what visa do you have? If you did split up, would you be allowed to stay in the US? What if you couldn't stay and he won't let your child leave?

Remember, he could decide he's not happy either and that he wants to find someone more compatible.

Similar to this, DP and I are very, very different. He likes cars and gadgets, and fixing/making things as a hobby. Those things don’t interest me at all. He’s super close with his family, and has a few close friends. I barely speak to my family and have a very wide social circle. He priorities work life balance, a slow-paced life and mental well-being. I have an intense career in Finance that eats into my evenings, weekends and holidays.

But I still really fancy him.

So I’m not sure what the answer is, OP. It sounds like it’s not the lack of shared interests so much as the general lack of respect you have for your DH?

Why can’t you split up because you’re in the US? I didn’t get that point? I’m also in the US and never considered where I live would hold me back from leaving a lacklustre relationship.

Fair point about the visa, but I don’t think you lose your right to work in the US if you separate. If you divorce, perhaps. However it sounds like OP wants to return to the UK anyway.

OP, you'll need your husband's consent to take your child out of the state, much less the country, once divorced. And there's no way round it; the US and UK are signed up to the Hague Convention, which means they will return any child "kidnapped" and the parent loses custody and/or goes to jail. It's a law with teeth. So your best bet is to stay on the best terms you possibly can with him, if you decide to divorce. He may well give you permission to take the child...but he may not.

If you do get stuck out there, as a friend of mine did, you'll just have to make trips back to the UK as often as you can. You could negotiate for lots of school holiday time in the UK, assuming you're not working or can work remotely. Like, you could ask for four-six weeks out of every summer school holiday to take your child to the UK.

I wouldn't let the international kid situation stop you from divorcing. It's not forever that you'd be trapped, only until your child is 18, and they're already 5.

I disagree that shared mutual interests are the crux of a good relationship or attraction. Shared core values + physical attraction are of far, far more importance.

You can disagree but you're basing your disagreement on your own experience.

Attraction and connection are deeply personal. What works for one person doesn't work for another. @SugarSpice2020 has a lot of self awareness that without the mental connection, her husband is feeling like a stranger. She's out of the initial marriage and raising an infant stage and she's finding home life awkward and she needs that mental connection to have a physical attraction and connection, where her husband needs the physical connection to feel emotionally secure. Their needs just don't mesh and how they as individuals connect to others is a part of them at their cores.

Her husband wants a sex life in his marriage. She isn't attracted to him because she's realized they lack the type of connection she needs. She's a stranger in a strange land on multiple levels.

You'll need to consult a family lawyer re custody.

Definitely get legal advice and a clear position of your options including custody of your child before you say anything to your husband. The risks are too high

Just be careful which country you live in if/when you have kids!

Best of luck, let us know how it goes - seems this is common!

Sorry you’re also going through this. Pls update us if you’d like, I’m curious how you’ll approach this? Wishing you every future happiness!

Yes that’s the issue - if we had no kids I could easily leave US but currently I cannot leave with our child without his permission, which he won’t give for relocation as he’s close to her (not sure how bothered she is tbh!). Although one reason I DO like / admire him is he’s good with her so I don’t want to disrupt that even if it were possible.

Could you stay together a bit longer and convince him to move the whole family back to the uk. And then few years down the line look at divorce if necessary. Then you would be home in the uk

Thank you, that is helpful to hear. I knew it wasn’t legally possible but yes maybe it’s not so bad if we can go back to uk regularly. Problem is I also have ageing parents there I worry about, as my brother is also abroad. Really wish I hadn’t married a man from another country - but hey you live and learn. (Advise others to think a lot before taking this step).

He needs to learn that foreplay doesn’t start in the bedroom. You need to feel seen and listened to.