Son's temper.

[HelpMeHelpMySon2]

I have a teenage son. He wasn't a particularly easy baby, didn't sleep well, had acid reflux so didn't eat well. Toddler stage he naturally started to have tantrums and would lose his temper even after he started school.

We did work at home on that. I bought books and we did exercises which really seemed to help.

Fast forward to now and it's all coming out again, I'm guessing through hormones. He's broken several of his TVs in a rage over computer games.. Broke controllers by throwing them. Broke his desk after he kicked it.

All this happens in his room and I never know about it until he comes and admits it (although he didn't admit the desk, I went in and saw it).

He doesn't want to be angry. He feels like the anger is controlling him, He'll look completely calm but tell me he is sooo angry on the inside.

Yesterday he lost his temper before school and swore at me while stomping up the stairs. He's never done that before. He's over 6ft and broad and son or not, it felt intimidating. He has apologised twice since then, said he lost his temper and didn't mean what he said.

Obviously our biggest worry is he snaps one day. I have contacted his school to see if there is anything they can offer, he would go to anger management. His biggest fear is that no one can help and he'll be angry for the rest of his life.

I know people will ask about ND and we haven't discounted it (sibling is autistic) and I did say to the school is I would like him to be assessed, but I'm not certain that that's it.

So I'm wondering if anyone has any advice or services they can point me to. I have raised this with the school on three separate occasions and still nothing has been done.

We both just want him to be able to regulate his emotions. He already takes time out when he's angry so it's generally not in front of anyone, but I hate to think of him basically being a prisoner in his own head if that makes sense.

So sorry for rambling on so much! I'm just at a loss.

I have a ds13, he's my youngest. We've had a variety of issues over the last year or so due to family breakdown/divorce, bereavements, school issues, ASD, behavioural issues amongst others. Basically it's been tough! But it is improving.

Things I've done:
Have you spoken to the safe guarding lead at school? Or his HoY? I've had lots of support from this.
Consequences! No pocket money, grounded, don't replace anything he breaks too quickly or at all. He knows he shouldn't be breaking them.
You can self refer to to Child Services - they've been brilliant in backing up requests for help to school and sign posting other help.
This a project fairly close to me, but they work nationally. My ds has just started on their mentoring scheme.
Also have a look for other local charities which will supply help, school can help point you in the right direction. I found a local one that provided counselling.

I missed the link....
https://www.yellowbrickroadprojects.com/

Thank you very much. He is 16, would that still come under Child Services?

I understand what you are saying about punishments but they don;t work, it's a complete loss of control - he is not thinking about consequences at the time.

It's upsetting because he is honestly a good person, polite, funny, caring. Has a very strong sense of morals, hates lying. Is very respectful towards me (usually!) Not done the usual teen stuff like going to parties and doing whatever. Not been in any trouble outside the house.

I have spoken to his HoY on 2 occasions, he now has a new one so I've followed up from our last conversation before the summer and the new head plus a support type person have been cc'd in...all I've been told is someone will be in touch with next steps.

I am so hoping this will help him. The problem with his school is, it's a very high achieving school and they tend to sweep things under the carpet wherever possible so as not to tarnish their reputation. But I am going to be pushing until I get him support and an assessment.

Definitely seek help from school, services etc. But also... does he do any sports? Perhaps something like martial arts would help him.

Maybe help him find a purpose through a weekend job, hobby, cooking, weight lifting, extra online classes in whatever subject he prefers etc.

Make sure he has positive male role models. Not just dad but uncles, coach, family friend etc.

He's getting angry when alone in his room. Makes sense that it's something connected to gaming/internet use that is setting him off.

If he can speak reasonably to you and doesn't want to be angry, then that's a wonderful start. Could you talk to him about trying a screen detox? At that age it would work best with his agreement. You could agree as a family to turn off internet/screens after 6pm every day or whatever.

I have a similar situation with my 13 year old; he's always been full of sunshine and happiness and now he's depressed and angry and hates school. It's heartbreaking to watch. He's been referred to the school's student support service, and we have an appointment with the GP on Friday to see if he can do anything. We're in Ireland and mental health services are abysmal so I don't see us getting anywhere with that.

Is there any correlation between what foods have been eaten and the tempers? Cutting out some processed foods reduced the sparking point on one of our girls.

As his sibling has ASD I would keep it in focus. Ia he able to tell you what makes him angry... Is it demand related? Is it whenhe feels he's "less than" someone (even/especially adults).
I have 2 DS, younger one obviously ASD with PDA profile.
Older one presenting very differently and masking over the years so that his ASD wasn't apparent until it "leaked" out.
As you say, he doesn't want to be angry and feels it is out of his control, which is what my PDAer says.

Would not wait for the school to assess him particularly if this is a high achieving school (they are perhaps also thinking that by next summer he will have left). You have also approached them previously and they have not done anything. I'd set the wheels in motion yourself by going to the GP. Your son ideally needs to see a developmental paediatrician. If finances at all permit your son should see such a person privately as he will also get seen far sooner.

Adult services starts at 18.

Where did this all start with him?. Do you think he has additional needs and that those needs of his are not being met by school?. This may well be why he is kicking off at home because he internalises all the stress of school. At home it's a safe environment for him. This current school may not be the right fit for him.

My DS is a young adult now with Asperger’s.
Growing up, he had a lack of self regulation and lots of anger around gaming. He would get into trouble because of backchat and cockiness at school, would only work for the teachers he respected or who seemed to ‘get’ him.
Would lose his temper at home with any kind of conflict - I had a fridge punched, floors and walls kicked, curtains pulled down.
He is now one of the nicest kindest most genuine adults you could meet. Obviously still ASD but that manifests in being very literal, loyal, and obsessive over his interests (cars!!) I’ve not witnessed him being angry for a long long time.
Reading your post I feel it’s a really good thing that he is identifying his feelings and he does want to change them.
We managed screens in our house by delaying when he could access them so that they were self limiting after a reasonable amount of time - eg he did something else until 6pm and was then allowed on it until it was time for a shower at 8pm, easier to manage than being allowed on it after school at 4pm & battling to get him off it at 6.
He also joined Scouts and a remote control car racing club that got him out and meeting up with others and a focus away from gaming.
We used to go on long drives because it was easier to talk to each other in the car as an indirect way to keep communication open.
I don’t really know how or why but things did improve dramatically without outside support but hopefully other people will be able to advise where to go for that, should you need it.

Is he playing FIFA? FIFA rage is a well known thing. But actually, it also applies to pretty much any computer game.

I think I'd limit them severely if he can't control the temper - warn him that the first thing to go will be the Xbox/Playstation or whatever he is on.

My eldest child was diagnosed as ADHD at 16. He was expelled from school for violence, and other bad behaviour. Police and social services have been involved a fair bit. He turned on us as a family last year and it was clear he couldn't live with us anymore. He was violent to me/ his Dad and smashed the house up on his way out of the door. His sister is scared of him due to his bullying and temper. He refused to abide by basic parental rules set up for his own safety. I am quite sure there is more going on than merely ADHD. I had to pay for the diagnosis to be confirmed privately as the NHS wait list is horrendous, and I had a lot of 'boys will be boys' off the GP. He is in private fostering now until he turns 18 and is refusing all treatment, and refuses to speak to me. Social services recognise that he poses a safeguarding risk to myself and his sister. He comes from an affluent and loving family and wanted for nothing growing up. We gave him a private school education, and took him to private health care clinics when it was clear that his behaviour was atypical. Lots of people might point fingers and say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, but sometimes it does. His sister is a lovely girl and no problems whatsoever. In your situation, which sounds pretty similar to ours, I would recommend looking into formal assessment of ADHD. Some private clinics are recognised by the NHS/ local authority (by following NICE guidelines) while others are not. Please do your research before paying out as it can open doors to support services in education and elsewhere if established as a diagnosis. Your GP can refer him to the NHS assessment service but the wait list will be years.

Thank you.

Sorry, I should have been clearer. There have been a few gaming issues which are in his room, but on all other occasions he goes to his room to take himself away when he's angry, then he'll punch his punch bag or as I mentioned, break his desk or throw something. All of which I don't find out about until later.

He has recently started martial arts which he is enjoying. That also slightly worries me as he's specifically said he enjoys the fighting part the most. I mean, I guess that's the whole point of it, but I just can't imagine loving fighting.

As for male figures, he has his Dad and my partner. We have no extended family. I have an older son but they're very close in age and he is getting irritated with his brother recently for things like telling him what to do, or winding him up about things he's already told him annoys him.

I am very grateful he recognises there's a problem and doesn't want to be like this, so fingers crossed school helps.

I'm in Scotland and it's no better, which is why I haven't went to GP just yet. I know schools have support services so I'm hoping that will be much quicker.

His always behaves well at school. Only once has a teacher (his YoH) mentioned he looked angry one day because he was telling him he had to work over lunch time to catch up with something, and it was his first day back after October break. He only mentioned it to me because I'd called about him worrying about his anger. The day after my son went to HoY and apologised, unprompted, so I know he knows.

I hope you get the support for your son ❤

I would say often it's when feeling 'less than', or vulnerable in some way.

He told me only recently that a couple of years ago that some people at school were giving him a hard time. Making fun of his sister because of her disabilities. At that time I think he felt a bit helpless and didn't want to worry me (also I think because he knows I'd have gone straight to the school and potentially made things worse).

Now he's much bigger and more confident. He has zero worry about anyone bullying him now, and I feel it's only a matter of time that someone will say something to him that he'll feel he can't 'back down' from and he'll hurt someone or get into trouble.

Thank you so much for sharing. I'm glad your son is happy now!

This. I think UPF's and e numbers in food have a lot to do with mood swings in kids. I have a teen GC who was v volatile. Cut out all UPF's, e numbers and sugar in her diet, which was really hard to do but made a massive difference in her behaviour

Yes, he plays Fifa! I had no idea it was 'a thing'.

He actually doesn't play as much as he used to, he's started going out with friends much more and joined a martial arts class and the gym. But it's definitely something that can get him angry. And, of course, I don;t understand and tell him it's only a game and he can just play another. It's not even to do with losing, it's when he feels something isn't fair.

You sound like a lovely caring Mum . I hope he gets the help he needs. I'm a Mum of 4 boys and they all end up OK in the end it's just hard when you're going through it.

Thank you, this is very helpful and I appreciate you sharing.

I did think ADHD. Although he took some self tests online and thinks he's ASD. I've no idea which tests, he only told me after the fact and having gone through an assessment process before with my daughter, I'm aware it's far more complex to diagnose. For me, he meets some criteria but not all. And I laos know there are similarities with ADHD and ASD.

@Hatty65 yes I would also add this to the mix definitely. Violent video games plus modern diet goes a long way to explaining disruptive behaviour in today's kids. In fact any prolonged screen exposure. It's telling that all the social mediator creators have said they would never allow their own children access to screens and SM

I watched a programme a while ago about children in Ukraine who spent all their time in a hospital basement sheltered from bomb attacks. For a good few months the kids were calm, engaging and worked well in put up schools. After a while a charity donated tablets to the kids and in a really short space of time their behaviour deteriorated significantly

He doesn't play violent games, and isn't often on the xbox anymore, but definitely on his phone.

He does like sugary drinks He buys them with the pocket money he gets from his Dad so I have no say, but I'm also guilty of buying him sweets.

I spoke to him only 20 mins ago and he's agreed to change his diet, even though he thinks it won't help.

He's a fussy eater. Doesn't touch veg but will eat salad and raw carrots. Loves fruit and meat. He used to love salmon but won't touch fish now because he doesn't like the smell.

Loves pizza, but I think I can make that in a healthier way rather than shop bought with preservatives.

He likes flavoured water but again, that's full of e numbers.
Anyone any ideas how to make our own? I will google it too.

I can see how that could happen.

Issue is EVERYTHING is online, including school work.

But he definitely doesn't spend as much time playing xbox as he did during/just after covid. I used the games example because I know that's when he's specifically broken something through that, but the anger is there much more often.

And that's with him seeing friends, keeping fit, even doing extra study sessions at school.

Thanks so much everyone for your comments, They have really helped x

This course looked really good. I liked her phrases ‘respond, don’t react’. Learning the art of self control is incredibly difficult. I have struggled this year with dd as she knows just how to wind me up. I have had to work really hard on not reacting with anger but forcing myself to not say anything at all (usually). Breathing for three minutes and forcing myself to breath slowly and then saying I’m not going to react. I need time to think about what I want to say. I am walking away before I react badly. https://www.bbcmaestro.com/courses/evy-poumpouras/the-art-of-influence