I hate myself for putting up with this

Hetty99 · 2025-10-07T18:23:57+00:00

I honestly don't know why I'm posting here, because I have been experiencing these problems for the best part of 14 years now, I guess I am just needing to vent and not feel so alone. Partner has been a problem most of the relationship in respect of causing me distress and upset ( yes, I know I shouldn't still be here ) it would take a very long time to list it all, but brief conversations with WA have highlighted that what is going on is emotional abuse, screaming at me for no reason or because I have commented on something I am upset about, twisting everything I say into an impossible to deal with situation, telling me I should speak in a different tone, standing up to it only makes matters ten times worse and saying I don't deserve to be screamed at is apparently not allowed as I'm accusing him of not being normal, so it just escalates, his attitude is I shouldn't call him out on this stuff. I know this is all sounding jumbled up because I'm literally shaking and upset, I honestly haven't done anything to deserve this treatment at all, but blame myself for keep putting up with it. Can anyone relate & just offer a hand hold?

HuskyNew · 07/10/2025 19:26

Well done for taking the first sep with WA and posted for support.
You may get some idiots on here but most people are kind hearted.

Can you articulate why you have stayed? Do you have kids? Do you have money? If you can break down the barriers you may be able to begin to understand solutions to overcome them.

Original poster

Hetty99 · 07/10/2025 19:29

HuskyNew · 07/10/2025 19:26

Well done for taking the first sep with WA and posted for support.
You may get some idiots on here but most people are kind hearted.

Can you articulate why you have stayed? Do you have kids? Do you have money? If you can break down the barriers you may be able to begin to understand solutions to overcome them.

To answer your question, apparently I'm caught in a cycle of abuse according to to WA...I believe it when he says it will change, then it does for a while before something else happens. I feel I am a weak individual in all honesty

OP posts:

Velvetgoldmine · 07/10/2025 19:36

Not weak, just beaten down by the consistent mistreatment. You need to take a step back and look at the situation as though it were happening to someone else that you care about and see what your advice to them would be. Then take your own advice. Am pretty sure you wouldn't suggest they put up and shut up! You are on your way to making some sensible decisions. He doesn't sound like much of a catch.

Original poster

Hetty99 · 07/10/2025 20:00

Velvetgoldmine · 07/10/2025 19:36

Not weak, just beaten down by the consistent mistreatment. You need to take a step back and look at the situation as though it were happening to someone else that you care about and see what your advice to them would be. Then take your own advice. Am pretty sure you wouldn't suggest they put up and shut up! You are on your way to making some sensible decisions. He doesn't sound like much of a catch.

I am allowing this, I realise that.
Absolutely no remorse shown for hurting me, whatI get is this " I do one thing wrong and it all falls apart " but it isn't one thing, it's consistent over the years, and I end up just accepting it...

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/10/2025 20:07

Did you grow up seeing similar at home?.

Are you still in contact with Women’s Aid?.

Baninarama · 07/10/2025 20:09

Honestly, there is nothing you can do that will stop him treating you like that, no matter how many eggshells you walk over. Because he likes doing it to you, and he likes controlling you. Making it to Women's Aid is a massive step and you should be really proud of yourself. You are honestly stronger than you think; no matter how much you have been ground down, there's a small voice saying 'enough - I'm worth more'. You need to keep listening to that. Is there anywhere you can go, even for a short time, to get a bit of space? Can Women's Aid help?

pinkyredrose · 07/10/2025 20:15

Do you have anywhere you can stay, friends, family etc?

DownThePubWithStevieNicks · 07/10/2025 20:23

You do not deserve to be treated this way, and it is not your fault.

The more information you can write here, the better posters will be able to advise you.

Do you have children?
Who owns the house?
Do you have a job?
Do you have friends or family nearby? Could you confide in any of them?
Do you have savings? Access to money that is just yours?

Original poster

Hetty99 · 07/10/2025 20:34

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/10/2025 20:07

Did you grow up seeing similar at home?.

Are you still in contact with Women’s Aid?.

No, I didn't grow up with this art home, or see it in any other relationship I've had previously.
I only spoke to WA twice, which was recommended by an emergency Councillor I had to ring one night when he walked out and threatened suicide. This is all my fault for allowing it to keep happening

OP posts:

Original poster

Hetty99 · 07/10/2025 20:39

Baninarama · 07/10/2025 20:09

Honestly, there is nothing you can do that will stop him treating you like that, no matter how many eggshells you walk over. Because he likes doing it to you, and he likes controlling you. Making it to Women's Aid is a massive step and you should be really proud of yourself. You are honestly stronger than you think; no matter how much you have been ground down, there's a small voice saying 'enough - I'm worth more'. You need to keep listening to that. Is there anywhere you can go, even for a short time, to get a bit of space? Can Women's Aid help?

I think it's important to say here that I feel nothing anymore emotionally, but find myself unable to leave for many reasons, I would rather not say too much here in case there is the remote possibility it will be seen.
Women's aid only offered support and practical advice on how to deal with things If they escalated...

OP posts:

Original poster

Hetty99 · 07/10/2025 20:41

pinkyredrose · 07/10/2025 20:15

Do you have anywhere you can stay, friends, family etc?

This is part of the problem, very few options of lines of support in that respect. I'm not afraid, just mentally drained and unable to think straight

OP posts:

Original poster

Hetty99 · 07/10/2025 20:44

DownThePubWithStevieNicks · 07/10/2025 20:23

You do not deserve to be treated this way, and it is not your fault.

The more information you can write here, the better posters will be able to advise you.

Do you have children?
Who owns the house?
Do you have a job?
Do you have friends or family nearby? Could you confide in any of them?
Do you have savings? Access to money that is just yours?

No kids, no job very little savings, have health issues. I have already in the past confided in a friend, but she also has her own issues

OP posts:

FetchezLaVache · 07/10/2025 20:51

Please don't be so hard on yourself. Many of us have been where you are now and believe me, it's a long road. You have taken your first steps by seeking help and realising that it isn't right. That in itself is a huge achievement you can be proud of.

Am I right in assuming you're not married?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/10/2025 20:54

Were you in a bad place when you met him?.
He targeted you and deliberately so to abuse. Giving you spaghetti head is part of the overall pattern of his abuse towards you.

He will continue to destroy you from
the inside out as long as you remain there further trauma bonded to him. Although these bonds are powerful they can be broken.

You realise he threatened suicide to keep you there under his control. He had no intention of killing himself back then and it’s a threat very much believed by abusive men. Abuse also thrives on secrecy so who else can you talk to?. Keep posting here and I would also urge you to contact Womens Aid again. You have taken a small but important step in writing about this on here and that effort is to be applauded. Keep taking such baby steps because you know this treatment of you is wrong. Remember the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

DownThePubWithStevieNicks · 07/10/2025 20:56

Hetty99 · 07/10/2025 20:44

No kids, no job very little savings, have health issues. I have already in the past confided in a friend, but she also has her own issues

Show quote history

Hopefully WA can give you some advice on potential housing options while you get away from him, and WA or CAB can advise on benefit entitlement, particularly if you aren’t working because of health conditions.

He will be exploiting the fact that you are financially dependent in order to keep abusing you. I’m not saying it will be easy to go it alone, but you can do it and there will be support for you.

Wishing you lots of luck OP.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/10/2025 20:58

Abuse is insidious in its onset and often creeps up on people unawares. He knows your health issues and uses those and the fact you’re financially dependent on him to further abuse you. Such men hate women, all of them.

Omgblueskys · 07/10/2025 21:01

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/10/2025 20:58

Abuse is insidious in its onset and often creeps up on people unawares. He knows your health issues and uses those and the fact you’re financially dependent on him to further abuse you. Such men hate women, all of them.

This op,
This is your light bulb moment, please don't be hard on yourself, he knows very well what he's doing, but you now know enough is enough, you need to take control back op

Omgblueskys · 07/10/2025 21:03

Hetty99 · 07/10/2025 20:41

This is part of the problem, very few options of lines of support in that respect. I'm not afraid, just mentally drained and unable to think straight

Show quote history

Op do you have any hobbies , something to get you out of the house for a few hours

Original poster

Hetty99 · 07/10/2025 21:30

FetchezLaVache · 07/10/2025 20:51

Please don't be so hard on yourself. Many of us have been where you are now and believe me, it's a long road. You have taken your first steps by seeking help and realising that it isn't right. That in itself is a huge achievement you can be proud of.

Am I right in assuming you're not married?

Thank you, no, not married

OP posts:

Original poster

Hetty99 · 07/10/2025 21:34

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/10/2025 20:54

Were you in a bad place when you met him?.
He targeted you and deliberately so to abuse. Giving you spaghetti head is part of the overall pattern of his abuse towards you.

He will continue to destroy you from
the inside out as long as you remain there further trauma bonded to him. Although these bonds are powerful they can be broken.

You realise he threatened suicide to keep you there under his control. He had no intention of killing himself back then and it’s a threat very much believed by abusive men. Abuse also thrives on secrecy so who else can you talk to?. Keep posting here and I would also urge you to contact Womens Aid again. You have taken a small but important step in writing about this on here and that effort is to be applauded. Keep taking such baby steps because you know this treatment of you is wrong. Remember the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Thank you for your support here, it is much appreciated and helps level my head out.
Yes, WA explained that the suicide threat was all part of the control and I do intend to speak to them again, regarding being bonded, I honestly feel nothing but contempt and anger and wish he would just f*k off

OP posts:

Original poster

Hetty99 · 07/10/2025 21:35

DownThePubWithStevieNicks · 07/10/2025 20:56

Hopefully WA can give you some advice on potential housing options while you get away from him, and WA or CAB can advise on benefit entitlement, particularly if you aren’t working because of health conditions.

He will be exploiting the fact that you are financially dependent in order to keep abusing you. I’m not saying it will be easy to go it alone, but you can do it and there will be support for you.

Wishing you lots of luck OP.

Show quote history

Thank you for your support here, it is much appreciated and helps level my head out.
Yes, WA explained that the suicide threat was all part of the control and I do intend to speak to them again, regarding being bonded, I honestly feel nothing but contempt and anger and wish he would just f*k off

OP posts:

Original poster

Hetty99 · 07/10/2025 21:37

DownThePubWithStevieNicks · 07/10/2025 20:56

Hopefully WA can give you some advice on potential housing options while you get away from him, and WA or CAB can advise on benefit entitlement, particularly if you aren’t working because of health conditions.

He will be exploiting the fact that you are financially dependent in order to keep abusing you. I’m not saying it will be easy to go it alone, but you can do it and there will be support for you.

Wishing you lots of luck OP.

Show quote history

Thank you, it is so hard feeling alone

OP posts:

Original poster

Hetty99 · 07/10/2025 21:39

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/10/2025 20:58

Abuse is insidious in its onset and often creeps up on people unawares. He knows your health issues and uses those and the fact you’re financially dependent on him to further abuse you. Such men hate women, all of them.

I know this, but strangely, he ogles other women in my company, how odd

OP posts:

Original poster

Hetty99 · 07/10/2025 21:39

I know this, but strangely, he ogles other women in my company, how odd

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/10/2025 21:43

It’s all part of the hate he has for all women. He regards them as sex objects.

What if anything do you know about his childhood?. My guess is that he saw abuse at home and has simply carried on what he was taught by his parents. It’s still no excuse or justification for his abuses of you now.