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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I hate myself for putting up with this

36 replies

Hetty99 · 07/10/2025 19:23

I honestly don't know why I'm posting here, because I have been experiencing these problems for the best part of 14 years now, I guess I am just needing to vent and not feel so alone.

Partner has been a problem most of the relationship in respect of causing me distress and upset ( yes, I know I shouldn't still be here ) it would take a very long time to list it all, but brief conversations with WA have highlighted that what is going on is emotional abuse, screaming at me for no reason or because I have commented on something I am upset about, twisting everything I say into an impossible to deal with situation, telling me I should speak in a different tone, standing up to it only makes matters ten times worse and saying I don't deserve to be screamed at is apparently not allowed as I'm accusing him of not being normal, so it just escalates, his attitude is I shouldn't call him out on this stuff.

I know this is all sounding jumbled up because I'm literally shaking and upset, I honestly haven't done anything to deserve this treatment at all, but blame myself for keep putting up with it.

Can anyone relate & just offer a hand hold?

OP posts:
Original poster
Hetty99 · 07/10/2025 21:48

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/10/2025 21:43

It’s all part of the hate he has for all women. He regards them as sex objects.

What if anything do you know about his childhood?. My guess is that he saw abuse at home and has simply carried on what he was taught by his parents. It’s still no excuse or justification for his abuses of you now.

Yes, I get that, but he isn't interested in sex with me, hasn't been for a long time??

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/10/2025 22:01

All this man is interested is his own self and getting his needs met.

He feels nothing but hate/contempt for you but likes you being around in order to abuse you. He thinks you’ll never leave because he has ground you down to this low point over the years. Fear of him and fear of the unknown are just two of many factors that keep abused people in these relationships and for many years. It is perhaps only when you are out will you finally realise the full extent as to how you’ve been abused by him and this will take years to recover from.

What is the situation re the property - are you living in his house?. Are you named on a mortgage or tenancy agreement?.

user12345678901234 · 07/10/2025 22:01

I was you OP. I put up with it for 27 years. I’m away from it now and so happy.
It is scary, but I promise it’s doable.

Original poster
Hetty99 · 07/10/2025 22:35

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/10/2025 22:01

All this man is interested is his own self and getting his needs met.

He feels nothing but hate/contempt for you but likes you being around in order to abuse you. He thinks you’ll never leave because he has ground you down to this low point over the years. Fear of him and fear of the unknown are just two of many factors that keep abused people in these relationships and for many years. It is perhaps only when you are out will you finally realise the full extent as to how you’ve been abused by him and this will take years to recover from.

What is the situation re the property - are you living in his house?. Are you named on a mortgage or tenancy agreement?.

I know, I now know what this is, but what causes someone to be this way? I think if I can make sense of it and it will definitely help me move on.
Property is joint owned

OP posts:
Original poster
Hetty99 · 07/10/2025 22:36

user12345678901234 · 07/10/2025 22:01

I was you OP. I put up with it for 27 years. I’m away from it now and so happy.
It is scary, but I promise it’s doable.

You experienced all this too? What the hell do we do to deserve this

OP posts:
MeganM3 · 07/10/2025 22:41

What do you think it would take for you to finally leave?

RavenFinch · 07/10/2025 22:51

DownThePubWithStevieNicks · 07/10/2025 20:56

Hopefully WA can give you some advice on potential housing options while you get away from him, and WA or CAB can advise on benefit entitlement, particularly if you aren’t working because of health conditions.

He will be exploiting the fact that you are financially dependent in order to keep abusing you. I’m not saying it will be easy to go it alone, but you can do it and there will be support for you.

Wishing you lots of luck OP.

Show quote history

This ^

  1. It is highly like that you will be put into Category A (highest priority) for social housing. However, you will have to live in temporary accommodation for a few months whilst that is sorted. Either Women's Aid or Women's Refuge can arrange temporary accommodation.
  1. Citizens Advice or Welfare Officer at your local council will be able to advise on PIP, LCWRA and Uni Credit due to your health issues.
  1. You may (or may not) already be receiving PIP as that is not means tested so you would have been entitled to that whilst married / whilst living with your partner irrespective of his income.
  1. However, several other benefits would be means tested (ie you would not be entitled to them if living with your partner). These extra benefits (mostly all tied in with Universal Credit) include LCWRA - limited capacity for work and work related activities.
If your ill health is so bad that you have not worked for 15 years and have been reliant on the income of your partner, you might qualify for the extra LCWRA payment.

Please speak to all the support agencies you can in the next few weeks about the housing and benefit options. Good luck.

Original poster
Hetty99 · 07/10/2025 22:55

RavenFinch · 07/10/2025 22:51

This ^

  1. It is highly like that you will be put into Category A (highest priority) for social housing. However, you will have to live in temporary accommodation for a few months whilst that is sorted. Either Women's Aid or Women's Refuge can arrange temporary accommodation.
  1. Citizens Advice or Welfare Officer at your local council will be able to advise on PIP, LCWRA and Uni Credit due to your health issues.
  1. You may (or may not) already be receiving PIP as that is not means tested so you would have been entitled to that whilst married / whilst living with your partner irrespective of his income.
  1. However, several other benefits would be means tested (ie you would not be entitled to them if living with your partner). These extra benefits (mostly all tied in with Universal Credit) include LCWRA - limited capacity for work and work related activities.
If your ill health is so bad that you have not worked for 15 years and have been reliant on the income of your partner, you might qualify for the extra LCWRA payment.

Please speak to all the support agencies you can in the next few weeks about the housing and benefit options. Good luck.

Show quote history

I will and thank you so much for the advice

OP posts:
Original poster
Hetty99 · 07/10/2025 22:58

MeganM3 · 07/10/2025 22:41

What do you think it would take for you to finally leave?

OP, I have already left mentally as I know from speaking to various sources it won't change. I say I have left mentally as the person I once cared for has hurt me so much I feel nothing but contempt and anger towards him. Financially and health wise I am struggling, so it isn't that I don't want to leave, it is that I am afraid of what will happen and how hard it will be...

OP posts:
user12345678901234 · 07/10/2025 23:24

Hetty99 · 07/10/2025 22:36

You experienced all this too? What the hell do we do to deserve this

Show quote history

Nothing, we do NOTHING to deserve any of it. It’s all on them.

I experienced all that you did and more: DV, SA, EA, FA.
It didn’t matter what I did, I was always wrong. Goalposts moved constantly. The gaslighting was so bad, I started writing down and recording everything. He had me thinking I was going insane.
I had no confidence, no self esteem and I was terrified of him.
I had no hopes or dreams, I just woke up each day and hoped he wouldn’t start shouting at me. If he didn’t I viewed it as a good day!
I had children, which made it harder to leave. We ran away in the end. He had started to physically abuse my daughters when they called him out on his behaviour. We had nothing. No savings. I’d lost most of my friends.
I found a job and we are thriving. We feel safe and at peace. I reached out to friends I’d lost over the years, (he hated them all), turns out they were still there for me.
These men never carry through with the suicide threats, that’s just another abusive tactic.
You can leave, I know it’s hard and scary, but you CAN leave. The alternative is that you stay until you die…

MeganM3 · 07/10/2025 23:26

Hetty99 · 07/10/2025 22:58

OP, I have already left mentally as I know from speaking to various sources it won't change. I say I have left mentally as the person I once cared for has hurt me so much I feel nothing but contempt and anger towards him. Financially and health wise I am struggling, so it isn't that I don't want to leave, it is that I am afraid of what will happen and how hard it will be...

Show quote history

I completely understand that it’s very hard to physically leave.

But you have identified it is a financial issue of how you will live… where you will live and pay for your life solo.

Identifying what you need in order to leave can help you plan.
Presenting as homeless to a local authority is an option, if you get referred by women’s aid then even better as you have a case for ‘fleeing abuse’ and as such a high priority to be housed. You will not be on the street. Benefits can cover a decent living situation until you are in a healthier position.
You can do it.

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