How would you feel?

[Vivaleconfused]

Quick summary:

50th birthday.
Told DH for over 10 years that all I want for my 50th is to go to Greece. Over a decade he could have planned and saved.
Time got nearer and it was obviously never going to happen, so I suggested some other closer and cheaper places we could go to instead.
Money isn’t an issue, btw. I literally just wanted one holiday that I didn’t have to plan or book.
The few days before my birthday I realised nothing was going to happen, so I suggested camping. Free camping. We have all the equipment so nothing would have needed to be purchased.

Morning of my birthday, I got a necklace from him with our kids names on. Sweet gesture but it’s honestly hideous, probably £30?? And a box of chocolates that he was really chuffed to tell me were less than half price.

My birthday, I just did some ironing. I wasn’t even unhappy. I told him I was disappointed and he stormed off in a huff.

I think my 22 year marriage has come to an end because I feel nothing.

It Isn’t about the holiday, I just feel so unseen.

sorry to vent. I just want to know if my feelings are valid or if I’m blowing things out of proportion.

This will be my milestone birthday for sure. Already two years out and I’ve stopped suggesting what I’d like as I know it won’t happen.
My DH won’t be ‘coerced’ into doing nice things for me. Has to feel like it’s 100% his idea.

I’m sorry you had a miserable birthday, but I’m not sure why, if money isn’t a problem, you didn’t get together with him to book flights etc to Greece when it was ‘obviously not going to happen’, but suggested different cheaper places or camping? I get that you wanted him to do the organising, but surely it was more important that you had something you’d always wanted to do for your fiftieth?

Because I just wanted, for once, for him to do…something for me. It was never about the holiday.

I get it.

He doesn’t add any joy to your life does he.

Good luck for the happy single future that I know you can opt for.

I would be pissed off.

DH paid for me to visit friends in America for my 50th, we had a day party at our house, I did arrange this but wanted things that were very specific and I’m good at getting discounts and deals and he isn’t. I got a good discount on the caterer. He kind of cringes with a here she goes again but it’s amazing who will give a discount, then I went out with girlfriends who had been at the party in the evening. We left the men clearing up and looking after the kids.

For DH 50th we went on a cruise and I bought him a camera that cost almost 1k.

You did ironing? you need to kick off. You remind me a bit of my sister, she just put up with it and had almost 40 years of being a doormat till he died. She is much happier now he is dead, she also lost about 5 stone as she used to eat her misery.

Yeah I think he didn't understand this. Whether that's because you weren't direct enough or because he is apathetic isn't clear. I suspect it's the latter and I am so sorry.

Have you been to therapy? A last ditch effort before you call time on your marriage?

I'm not someone who thinks making a big thing of birthdays is necessary when people are adults.

But there is a big difference between not having expensive birthday gifts and not giving the birthday person a bit of care and attention on their birthday. And I feel real sympathy with the number of posters on MN where their birthday is scarcely acknowledged.

In your case OP I'm so sorry your DH didn't listen to how important this was to you. And that he really couldn't be bothered organising something that he knew would make you very happy. It certainly comes over that you are unheard in your marriage and he doesn't really care about your feelings.
I'm really sorry OP .

I’m sorry. Really hurtful and disappointing.

How is your day to day life and relationship? Are you affectionate/good partners/happy together usually?

The only reason I ask is some people are genuinely awful at presents/organising holidays- if that was the case with yours and he’s a good partner generally, I would suggest organising the holiday you want to go on so that you get to achieve the dream of Greece for your 50th, regardless of who organised it. And tell him to ask your sister/friend someone for help organising gifts in the future if he’s just someone terrible at gifts but who could improve!

So sorry OP.
That's disappointing.
Your dh is in a huff because he knows he's messed up.
I would be booking a trip to Greece with a friend and leave him to mind the dc.

I always wanted to go to Rome so my dh organised it for my 50th as a surprise. He didn't factor in my August birthday so it was very hot sightseeing but at least he put the effort in.

Sorry for your birthday, but it looks like you're in denial. Facing reality is painful, I've been there. Once I realised I was flogging a dead horse, I changed the things I could (spoiler: you can't change how you feel about things either. You can't "not want" the things you want - like for example "feel seen" or "feel loved").

Has he changed his behaviours with you since you met? Have you changed?

Op book a little trip to Greece 5 days 7 days just go, book it now you could be sittingin a nice taverna this evening, its your birthday, do what you want to do, h didn't/couldn't be bothered, bare minimum and gets to sulk, go on your holiday op, and enjoy

You’re wishing for the impossible. He’s just not that man, which of course you already know. You set him up to fail, just as you knew he would.

Either you choose who you are married to or you cut loose. Your choice.

I'd have been disappointed too OP. I understand not wanting to always be the one to organise everything.

On my 50th my husband booked me a private one to one with a sloth (my spirit animal). It was wonderful and it was a visit for two people, but he didn't want to go and I don't really have any close friends. I ended up going alone and spending a lonely night in a hotel and eating dinner on my tod. I would rather he hadn't bothered to be honest!

I disagree, op give him plenty of notice, so h if he needed help could of said, ' hay jane let's get this booked then and do it , this wasn't a surprise, bloody hell just book a break away fgs, he has children they could of helped him,
It's not alot to ask, and enough notice given,

My DH is notoriously bad at planning stuff (but amazing in many other aspects of our life so it works out fairly!). For my last milestone I said months in advance I wanted him to organise a weekend away for us - wasn't bothered about where or any of the details, just that I didn't want to sort it! He massively pulled it out of the bag and went all out on a 5 day trip with fancy hotel(s) and restaurants.

I would be gutted by the fact your DH organised nothing OP. For everyone commenting saying you could have booked it yourself - not really the point. You can buy yourself presents and a cake too but it's nice(r) to have someone do it for you and show you that they love and care about you!

No, you’re not blowing it up: You wanted him to show he cared, he said ‘nah, cba’.
We all need to feel valued, respected - maybe you just need to have that honest conversation with him, about there being a choice between doing things very differently together, or not being together.

You could have just booked a holiday. Not sure what all the drama is about.🤷‍♀️

I agree with some others here, OP, that you're wallowing and self-pitying a bit – mentioning that you just ironed on your birthday. Well OK, but that's your own responsibility too, and it's a bit 'woe is me'.

BUT, as you say, this isn't about your birthday or the holiday. Some people just aren't birthday-organising type of people, which yes isn't ideal when you are or you appreciate it, but in an otherwise good relationship, it really doesn't have to be that big of a big deal. Plan stuff together.

So it seems like there's a whole lot of other unhappiness here for multiple reasons. I suggest opening the channels of communication properly and telling him that you feel like the marriage has run its course.

I would book a break to Greece for myself and go away for a week, alone, while planning my divorce 👍
Happy birthday, OP.

I'm sorry you're stuck with a dud. You gave him the opportunity to show up for you and he failed.
Instead of doing the ironing and stewing, you now have the opportunity to make this right for yourself.
Book a trip to Greece with a friend or family member and enjoy a wonderful week.

I think once I sensed the Greece trip wasn’t happening I’d have directly asked why, and planned it myself for me and a friend. You keep making suggestions and then being fed up when he doesn’t do anything. Either tell him outright this is what I want and either you organise it for us, or I’ll do it for me.

If his lack of consideration is typical then yes I’d be evaluating what he brought to my life. There is however no way I’d be standing ironing on a milestone birthday.

Did you even read the OP? It wasn’t about Greece, it was about him just doing something for me.

Anyway, someone picked up on it, this was the final straw really. That’s my last birthday with him.

Hurrah! I'm glad to hear it. I look forward to you posting right after your 51st birthday that you have just returned from a fabulous trip to Greece with a group of people who actually love you.

@Boomer55
@CuckooPond

And to all others saying they don't understand what the fuss is about.
It's about feeling like someone cares about making you happy, when you've spent half your life trying to make them happy.

If the OP wanted to take a trip to Greece, of course she could have booked it. My guess is that she's booked and planned every holiday, trip, weekend away and birthday celebration for the past 2 to 3 decades. But this wasn't just a vacation she wanted. She wanted a birthday present. Asking someone to book, organise and plan their own birthday present is absurd.

Some people, mostly wives, spend their entire lives thinking of everyone elses needs. And nobody ever considers them.
And believe me, it hurts.