GF is pissed and cries over minor things

[OneSharpExpert]

So we have been living together for nearly a year and have been dating for 3 years but at times I feel like my GF just wants an argument. I have no time and energy for arguments, usually when she starts I just ignore her but they are always minor things. She would pull me over not washing a cup even tho in the past I've cleaned her stuff but I dont complain about it, I just wash it and move on. She also cried because one time after sex I went on my phone to check a message, She also cried because I was up until 2 AM in the morning and I just couldnt get to sleep.

She will also peak at my phone while im using it and she will say "jokes" like "I might get another man" or "I might not come back". She will then say that shes only joking but I cant be bothered with mind games.

Also I pay the whole mortgage, I paid the deposite for the house to get us moved in, I also go halfers on the shopping but yet she still manages to be skint. She works 25 hours a week while I do 50+ and for the next two weeks she has no money because she gets paid monthly so Im buying all the food at the moment.

Her parents were very strict and controlling so maybe thats why she is too "emotional" and cries over minor things because she lived a sheltered life but seriously, I cant be bothered with all these silly arguments and "mind games". She will also give me a small punch sometimes which aint sore and I think she is doing it as a joke but then maybe she isnt?

She's lucky that she got the opportunity to move into a house in which she doesnt have to pay for, I have layed the foundations for us to start a family and I know im not perfect but there will always be a roof over our heads and we will never go without food and I will make sure of that

When we first started dating she kept on listening to mummy and she wasnt allowed out after 1 AM, I know if I didnt come along she would never have got the opportunity to move out and she would of been still at home in her 40s with no kids looking after her parents when they get old.

I think she is a bit childless and thats because she grew up sheltered and never got into any arguments or fights so thats why she is emotional and cries over minor problems.

@ForTipsyFinch but she also knows deep down that if she did leave then she'll have to go back to her parents in which they will even be more strict with her because they were against us moving in together. I would be worried for her if she decided to leave me and she also doesnt earn enough to live on her own.

There are many qualities I like about her but can she just stop crying over minor things and playing mindgames. Can we just enjoy each others company and start a family together?

Sorry, read that back and it sounds more accusatory of you, I didn't mean it to sound that way, rather was highlighting your own words to point out that the relationship is not going well. I truly think you should leave, you sound like you have a good idea of what you want and can provide and should find a partner that can be your equal to build the family you want. Settling for someone who is not right and trying to force it will only end on tears.

Please don’t consider having children with this woman.

This, pretty much.

Do not have children with this woman. She’ll be just as dramatic and manipulative to the kids as she is to you.

Tell us the things that you like about her. Not just ‘everything’. Be specific.

She sounds delightful with her “I might get another man and not come back”. Why do you want to be with someone so immature?

You sound much more emotionally mature than her. She doesn’t sound remotely secure enough to be in a relationship let alone considering having children.

Please consider what you want for your own life and the life of any children, do you want an equal and emotionally secure partnership or always walking on eggshells around someone so needy?

I do feel for her, it’s clear her parents being so controlling has caused this dependence. The best thing for her would likely be to live alone, work full time and have to become independent before settling down.

Throw this one back, far too immature. Do you really want such a manipulative huffy person to be the Mother of your kids?

Because once he starts a family with her she’s well stuck, and then he can really let rip with how useless and hysterical she is and how lucky she is to have him, and she’d better watch her step as her only other option is to go back to her controlling parents (and he’d make it hard for her to see the kids) etc etc

This is textbook.

There are two pretty damaged people in this relationship, contrary to what OP would have us believe.

The last couple of paragraphs sound really bad in terms of the future of your relationship; once you're expecting your partner to be grateful to you for rescuing her and thinking only you could have done so (if not for you she'd be with her mum forever) it stops being a relationship of equals. It comes across as if you have an EXTREMELY low opinion of her, and like you're depriving her of agency and infantilising her. And your follow-up on how you want to have a life and children together but she needs to change x, y, and z about herself for that to happen sounds like you want to change her to be like your ideal rather than appreciating her for who she is, asking what SHE wants (does she even want children?) and compromising.

Why ignore her when she's upset rather than talking to her? It doesn't have to be exactly at the moment if you're busy or tired or upset yourself, but "can we talk later?" is always an option, and of course she should do the same for you. You say she's "crying over minor things" - what does SHE say? Some people DO cry very easily and may even be ashamed and embarrassed about this (they shouldn't be). Is that the case for her, and if so are there ways you can support her, or accept that she does this and learn to tell - or encourage her to tell you - if she's truly upset or just having a mostly physical reaction? Or are the things you consider "minor" much more important to her? In a healthy, loving relationship, sometimes you have to treat something as important if it's important to your partner even if you don't see it that way.

As for playing mind games - has she said she does this? And if so, does she acknowledge a problem and at least want to stop? Are there ways you can help her, or does she need professional counseling? Or are you assuming she's "playing mind games" because you don't understand what she's thinking and feeling and why she acts and reacts as she does?

Overall, it sounds like the two of you are very different and genuinely don't understand each other, but only truly open communication can "fix" that. If you only love or want her if she does what you want, it would be best to end this and find someone who clearly has similar life goals to you AND whom you like and respect for themself, not just as a potential future wife and mother for your children.

So you are funding her? She sounds workshy and lazy.

her crying sounds bizarre and over the top. What makes you think you are suited? Why do you think she’d be a good mother? How old are you?

But you're not suited- its obvious! Why would you create a family from that? Unless you have some very successful couples counselling

She sounds like an awful person and a freeloader to boot. I’m sure you could do better.

If you truly see a future with this woman you could both benefit from some counselling- improve both of your display immaturity in communication. It will help you both as individuals and as potentially parents. Please don’t become parents as you are both now - a child adds so much pressure and you are barely able to function together

I think you identified at least part of the reason and that is her "strict upbringing". Someone suggested couples counselling which would be a good start to get a professional view of a way forward. If you are in UK there's a law dealing with coercive control and it worries me that this behaviour may lead to that. I hope I'm totally wrong.

Of one thing I am sure and that is that having a child will not improve things I'm afraid.

She’s a nuisance, get rid of her.

Frankly you both sound ratter awful.

Umm...she's not a fucking baby oven mate.

You dont like her. Maybe she's so 'emotional' because she knows it.

You can't seriously think you should bring a child into this shit show? Good luck being a single dad when you do!

Life’s too short end it
it sounds draining

She sounds like she has attachment issues - anxious or disorganised - which given what you've described of her parents seems likely. She probably needs to be out of a relationship and do some "work" with a therapist. She doesn't have to go back to her parents if you split up, she has choices - you aren't telling her that are you? But she will have to recognise she has issues, you can't fix her - what I would say is that they aren't really mind games, if you go on your phone after sex she will think you don't love her I expect, she will feel like she is going to die if you leave her. Bloody parents messing children up.

You can end a relationship for any reason you want. If you feel like you need permission to do so, you have it.
Some people are just more emotional though. And crying is a very healthy way to process emotions. I know if someone told me to cry less that it wouldn't be something I could do without some serious hormonal intervention.
You could and should both do the work on how you argue and how to change that - and you should definitely do some work on the relationship before even thinking about bringing kids into it - but if you are asking her to fundamentally change how emotional a person she is, that may not be a realistic request.

It doesn’t matter who is right or wrong here, just that it’s not working.

You presumably have moved in together so you can check you are compatible and work together before getting married. After a year of trying, it’s not working out.

So you break up. It will be tough. She will be financially worse off. You might rent out a room to a mate. There will be change and flux but it’s better in the long run.

I wouldn't be too happy if you spoiled the after glow by going on your phone either.

That said you sound like you've got a low tolerance level for her feelings. I'd cut my losses and let her find someone she'd be better suited to.

Op you need to realise that you cannot change anyone- unless- they realise and they want to work on themselves.

With child coming everything will be more difficult and strained- all the sleep deprivation, worries that comes for the first time parents, finances are tighter, less free time- all those things and more - and if you already have an issue, having a child will highlight those issues multiple times.

What you can do is to have a honest conversation with her and you can both decide what things can be improved, what does she thinks, perhaps she’s having some concerns too- conversation is the key.

Get rid!