Want time to myself

[Mummy289]

I’m going around in circles and I don’t know if it’s me if I need therapy. I have been with hubby 24 years why now is it annoying me. Why now is it to much as his always been like this. His never needed anyone but me.
i keep asking I want to play these social internet games on my own. I want to be me not now as both of us, I want somewhere I’m just me not me and him. However what ever game I go on his there, he won’t play another game. He won’t watch tv any more, he won’t play his PlayStation. His constantly texting me. He follows me around the house. Not in a mean way but his always there.

That sounds incredibly suffocating! Has he always been like this or has something changed recently?

Sorry I see he always has. How did you carve out space for yourself before?

@MorphandMindy so just before my period I feel it even more.
Im so scared it’s my mental health feeling this way but I just feel I can’t cope with him anymore. I have no family no friends I’m so scared I will be totally isolated without him.

So I started dating him at 16, my nan who I lived with always needed control and up until she passed I still did what ever she asked. We moved out at 18 I’m now 40.
when I worked there was issues about who I talked with.
we now have 4 kids all with autism and ADHD. He is clearly asd and adhd too. He works but don’t talk to anyone out side work. His really good dad and helpful husband I can’t ask him to do things but he will just do a lot. He treats me like a child, like he will constantly ask if I’m ok, and be ott if I trip or anything.
He works from home since Covid and I think that’s where it started to get hard.
He doesn’t stop talking to me, I have 4 kids that need my attention, paper work, house work you know all the stuff with disabled kids. But when they are asleep he starts he sees it that it’s his turn for attention.
on these games he will want to be stuck to me and sees great resentment if I don’t stay with him.
i wanted to find my self again and i was, but his stopped it.
it’s like we have to be one person.
I don’t want to be with him anymore I just any to be on my own. But part of me thinks that’s my mental health. My mum is disabled too. All I have ever done is looked after people, made sure they happy put them first, always done what everyone else wants.
i don’t even know what I want, I don’t even think I would change any thing, I have no confidence. He would do anything for me, apart from freedom. I feel so messed up, unhappy and when his near me I just want to scream go away. I don’t even want him to cuddle me. I feel i am looking after him and tbh I want someone to look after me for once. But I don’t even think life works that way.

I wrote that in the toilet he knows how long I have been so
his text me asking if I’m ok. He may mean it but it’s to much. I can’t go anywhere in the house without there being a reason for it. Or his upset he don’t shout his never unkind his always saying nice things but he does the silent treatment or gets upset and that bothers me so much.

we were a team and I never minded us doing everything together. But the last year it’s been to much and his not changed but I have…
I don’t know why. I don’t think I cared that aww had become one person. But now I do.

That does sound way too much. Can’t you just tell him the way you feel that you want some space? Go for a walk on your own or something?

Failing that, start thinking about what you need to do to leave.

I have tried so much what ever I have he has to have. So we do now walk the dog for a hour a day on our own. He does one and I do the other (because I asked for this he needed to do it too).
I keep asking about us being separate people on the game (this was my escape but his took it over I don’t even want it anymore). We also booked a weekend away each I have had mine. He text 24/7 every time I went on game he joined. At one stage I played one game with a friend (who has got jelous with) and he tried to stop me calling the kids and then said “bet you begged him to play with you” then wouldn’t talk and blamed me for everything . And then later said just go and play with this person. When he realised I was on the phone to a female friend called about 50 times to tells me he didn’t mean it in a bad way but a good way.
His got more clingy the more I have needed space.

I asked for more space I left him on the game I started with the friends I made, I made some new friends but now he joins there and said how much he prefers this game now. And last night I just wanted to be sick. This is after months of asking for space.
it’s just a game. But I just wanted some freedom. Not to flirt but not to have to look after him, worry where he is worry I hurt his feelings. So on. He makes us hug and I have to keep finding him and be with him.
hearing this last night is the final straw.

You say that when you worked there were issues with who you talked to, can't you see how very controlling that is. Did he pressure you into having 4 DC? It looks like he doesn't want you to work. Is he capable of looking after the DC on his own? How would he react if you told him every Monday evening you're going to a book club meeting and every Friday you're going on a walk with a friend, choose whatever activity you want but make it clear he won't be joining you.

Have you actually sat down and had a direct, adult conversation with him about this? His being neurodivergent does not cancel out your rights. Have you said, clearly and without softening it, “I need my own time. I need my own space. I find this suffocating”? Have you told him, “Between X and Y, I’ll be doing Z, on my own. Do not text me. Do not interrupt me.” That is a boundary, not a request.

If he sulks, let him. His mood is not your problem. You are not responsible for regulating his emotions. When he’s being petty or manipulative about it, call him out calmly but directly. You need to be firm, unapologetic, and consistent about protecting your space. If you can’t do that, or if you’re afraid of his reaction, that’s an entirely different issue. But first, answer this: have you actually made your needs explicitly, verbally clear?

I can’t leave I don’t know how we would separate. This is a council house both named. We have just had room added due to our child’s disability. He would only be able to afford a studio flat.
the kids are so full on and need so much attention. I don’t think I have anymore to give. Some evenings I just fall asleep early just to not have to give him the attention he needs.

You can always leave. There are ways, and if that’s what you want to do, you can start a thread about it. People will give you solid advice and point you towards the right resources. MN is excellent for that.

But you don’t have to leave if that’s not where you are on your journey. What you do have to do is assert your boundaries, hold them, and stand up for yourself. You don’t have to put up with all of this. You might feel like you do, but you don’t.

@ForZanyAquaViewer I have time and
time again. That’s how I got the weekend away.
However he won’t listen. These people on the games are his friends to but the fact he went this week and started with the new friends I made has just made me go over the edge.
He puts so effort into friends, he needs no one else only me. He has siblings he never messages, he isn’t social at all
only with the friends I make.
Even today I walked into the girls room
to write this, he follows me asks if I’m ok and goes silent after.

He sounds absolutely suffocating, are you scared to tell him how you feel? Silent treatment is a form of abuse, to control your actions, he knows what he’s doing.
Edited: your more recent replies hadn’t shown up when I posted this, it’s clear he isn’t taking you feelings into account. Is he older than you?

@Bananalanacake the issue is I have anxiety.
goinb to be honest, sitting at home with some internet friends I have made is enough. I don’t even feel I have the energy to go out an evening (kids don’t sleep and honestly it’s a 24/7 job). I found a way to socialise that worked for me, that meant I was resting but talking to other people. But I can’t have that anymore. He has no hobbies, no tv programs. When I look back his always done what I have done, his always got into anything I have. Which is sweet but it’s to much.

@dotty I have over and over again I have completely given up.
I have wrote a post about the widowed pastor I’m friends with and how he hates it.
But I have seen things that have made me see he can be manipulative. One day he turned around and said “I’m glad he would still be talking to you if his wife was here”. Honestly i don’t know if he would be talking to me but when i said why did you say that, he turned around and said how he meant it in a good way….. sorry im not stupid I know
Exactly what he was getting at.
This friend also added hubby yesterday as thinks if they are friends he will stop giving me the silent treatment when I play with him. However all that will happen is it will be worse as he will know when we are playing. I’m not allowed my own friends. I never have and I get being married means sharing but all of a sudden I want that. This person my hubby would never talk too in the real
world

Only a year older. I think it’s me too. I don’t have it in me to pull him along. He can’t even phone for a takeaway.
i can’t have any banter with him or he gets upset. His kind his caring but after 24 years his shown he don’t trust me. I can’t get over it. If I mention someone on tv is fit he will be like well I bet they don’t do all what I do I bet they don’t wash up help with the kids etc

He thinks the kids are the problem but it’s him. His now saying he will take one of the kids out to give me a break, but my “friends”
play in the evening. So it’s not helpful. I want him to do
somwthing in the evening.

See it’s me too. But I don’t need a break from
the kids. I don’t know what I need im
just so sad. I just liked this place k had made that was mine. He had taken it all over and I tried to start again and he took that over too. I don’t know.

It sounds like he's under more stress and it's coming out on his behaviour. Just for experiment, try doing something supportive, like ordering in for an evening etc. Just to let you know also, I felt like that before I separated. My ex developed an addiction and his behaviour was just plain abusive. Either way, get a babysitter if you can and take some time for yourself to get your head straight

That’s exactly why I said assert and hold your boundaries. The holding part is the hardest, but it’s also the most important. If he joins in after you’ve told him not to, call him out. Say, “This is not what we agreed. This is unacceptable.” If he follows you around and you’ve said you don’t want that, tell him, “We’ve discussed this. Stop following me.”

If he goes silent, let him. Let him sit with his discomfort. That’s his to manage, not yours. Your job is to assert and hold your boundaries, every single time.

@ForZanyAquaViewer but what’s the point. Even if he did it in the end, do
we have anything in our marriage any way. I don’t even think he makes me happy. We have been so side tracked with the kids. I don’t know. I can’t stand feeling bad and I know I will feel bad. I think he needs this he needs someone to follow and amuse him. The more I push the more he pushes. His messaged me about 20
times already this morning that he loves me. 😢. I’m so very confused.

@TeaBiscuitsNaptime his always been this way. The morE I need space the less he wants to give but he knows I’m pulling away.
im pulling away but I have no one else the other side. I’m scared of a future with no one but im scared this is it too. We have mo
fun, I don’t find him fun. It’s sounds awful. I think it’s deeper than the game well it is. Maybe I find nothing fun. 😂.

The point is that you said you can’t leave, and asserting and holding your boundaries is how you get the space you need. You probably will feel bad initially, but you’ll adapt. You’re an adult. You’ll learn to deal with the discomfort.

However, if what you’re really saying is that you do want to leave, which would be completely understandable, then that’s a different conversation. Start a thread about it, ask for advice on your specific situation, and people will point you towards resources that can help you, as Mumsnet says, get your ducks in a row and leave.

Right now, it sounds like you’re spiralling, upset, and not actually moving forward. You need to decide. Option A: you’re staying, in which case you assert yourself, hold your boundaries, and carve out your space as a human being. Option B: you’re leaving, and you start taking practical steps such as financial, logistical, or emotional preparation so that you can do it safely and on your own timeline.

Until you make that decision and act on it, you’ll stay stuck exactly where you are. And that’s not what you want.

It’s all about him.

Youre in the bathroom too long and hes texting - because if anything happens to you it will be a problem for him. He makes out it’s he is cheking youre ok, which it is, but the reason behind it about HIM needing YOU.

He doesn’t know how to make his own friends so he jumps on yours, and then he can also keep an eye on you to make sure youre not chatting up some guy because he can’t allow that as HE needs YOU.

If you talk to someone male he gets jealous and huffy, because he can have you going off with a random guy as HE needs YOU.
etc etc.

He sounds so needy and may have low self esteem.

I think I would explode.

Can he do any more with the kids as it seems you work 24 hours a day for them and he doesn’t? Perhaps that would tire him out a bit more and then you’d get peace and a break. Is there anything can be done about getting them into a school or facility or anything during the day if they currently dont, so you can get time to go to work or college or whatever ie do something for you and meet new people?

Could you get a womancave out back (ie a shed or whatever) that you could go to just to get space that nobody is allowed in but you? Join a book club or gym with swimming pool so you can get away.

Id reassure him that youre not interested in any other man but him however youve devoted your whole life to caring for others and you just want some time to be alone. And I’d defo be firm on boundaries.

OP delete him as a friend on the game so he can't see that you're playing. Tell him you want to spend time with your friends without him being there every minute.