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Original poster

I’ve left him. Did I do the right thing?

27 replies

Missmoto · 05/10/2025 07:02

Hi all.

I don’t have many people IRL to talk to so I’m looking for reassurance that I’ve done the right thing.

I’ve left my partner of 3 years. Context: he is older than me and has three kids (now 24, 20 and 17) he is older than me, I have one 8 year old.

we met at work and were very good friends for years before we actually became an item.
He has always had what can only call a “guilt complex” over his kids (his wife walked out and left them all when the kids were younger). He has felt uncomfortable spending time away from them to be with out of fear of upsetting his kids.

he’s not a bad person, I understand his fear comes from a good place (ie wanting to be a good Dad) but I assumed that things would shift as his kids got older (they haven’t and I’m fact it’s gotten worse than ever).

we used to spend weekends together. I’d go to his the weekend my son was at his dad’s, and he would come to me the one after. He stopped coming out to (something to do with his youngest falling out wit her mum and had stopped seeing her mum and he felt guilty leaving her at home) - I understood and so it went on. But lately things have got worse, and it was always me having to fit around him, his schedule, his kids. My son had started to notice he’d stopped coming to see us, he missed him and was confused about why he didn’t come out anymore.

we spent less and less time together, as all he does is run about after his kids (giving them lifts, waiting for their beck and call). He even said he felt bad the weekends that I was at his house because his daughter would go off upstairs instead of sitting with us. I just felt this was because she was a young adult that recognised he needed space with his relationship.

I reached out asking for more balance as I don’t know how it happened but slowly over the years, it ended up with me carrying the relationship, me coming to him and spending time with his kids, while he ignored that my son even existed, me having to for around his schedule and his kids schedules.

so when I reached out asking for more balance. I wasn’t trying to “take away” anything or any time from his kids or even asking for more time with him. I was just asking for “different”. He lives four miles away and knows how lonely I am and he doesn’t even come out to see me not even for a cup of tea. I asked about this. He said he can’t change his guilt over his kids, he wouldn’t want to be any other way and said no to me trying to save the relationship by asking him to meet me in the middle and restore some balance.

it was like a knife to the heart, begging for crumbs and scraps of time with him. I’ve been left to feel like a burden and just another “thing” for him to feel guilty about.

I am a parent so I understand kids come first. But I have an 8 year old and his are young adults so I naturally expected more flexibility from him since mine is still so little. He treats his as though they were my child’s age. He refuses to let his kids see he has his own wants and needs. Whereas although my son does come first, I don’t teach him that I have no needs. I tell him things like “I’m having this time to myself while you are at Daddy’s house because Mummy needs to recharge too” and although he comes first, I don’t want to raise him spoiled. My ex made me feel much less of a parent than him because I didn’t have his guilt complex or martyrdom.

have I done the right thing here? I’m heartbroken but couldn’t see a way forward as he refused any of my suggestions to regain balance.

also, if you are a parent to young adults/teens how is your situation? I’m not the parent of teens so I guess I don’t understand and all I can do is compare it to my experience as a teen where I was very independent, I was out with my friends, I had a job, I was a studying, having the time of my life. I certainly wasn’t hanging around at home relying on my Dad for everything…I thought that teen years may have been such a wonderful thing for parents: seeing their kids grow, and thrive in their independence and being so proud of them and their confidence. His kids are anxious, needy, and do nothing but stay in the house and in their rooms. So a perspective on teens would be nice too if anyone has them.

thank you for reading, I live miles away from any family, I really am all alone just me and my son so I’m really feeling the loneliness and can’t help feeling like I’m in the wrong here. I’ve been poorly all week and in the middle of a cancer scare and all he has done is push me away, give me the cold shoulder, put me in the doghouse all week, make me adhere to his schedule (made me wait a whole week to have the “chat” despite knowing I was spiralling, then cancelled on me an hour before meeting because he had to give his daughter a lift) x

OP posts:
PersephoneParlormaid · 05/10/2025 07:07

You know you deserve better than that. Well done for walking away.

Original poster
Missmoto · 05/10/2025 07:11

Thank you. I definitely did deserve better.

OP posts:
Loubelou71 · 05/10/2025 07:14

His kids are adults. I would have expected them to need him less. Difficult because he can't help how he feels but it seems strange he wasn't able to have a life with you too. You're right to stand up for what you want and prioritise yourself though.

Original poster
Missmoto · 05/10/2025 07:20

Loubelou71 · 05/10/2025 07:14

His kids are adults. I would have expected them to need him less. Difficult because he can't help how he feels but it seems strange he wasn't able to have a life with you too. You're right to stand up for what you want and prioritise yourself though.

Thank you. Yes and I really didn’t ask him
for much, at all. He still maintains that he absolutely loves and adores me so I don’t think it’s a case of he just didn’t want me. We have been best friends for years so I know how he feels about me.

OP posts:
sevensix · 05/10/2025 07:29

I think you definitely did the right thing. He needs to look at his parenting style and start to understand that there’s a fine line between supporting your children and enabling them.

You can do so much better!

Original poster
Missmoto · 05/10/2025 07:34

sevensix · 05/10/2025 07:29

I think you definitely did the right thing. He needs to look at his parenting style and start to understand that there’s a fine line between supporting your children and enabling them.

You can do so much better!

Thanks lovely. Honestly his kids are actually lovely. I think he’s doing them a great disservice by showing them he has no needs of his own and mollycoddling them. The youngest (17) only got the bus on her own last week for the first time. At 17 I was living with friends, working and doing my A levels, driving lessons, had been getting buses alone since like 14 and saving up for a car.

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 05/10/2025 07:38

You did the right thing. Totally understand him not wanting to leave his youngest at home whilst he does weekends at your house, but it sounds like he doesn’t have time for a relationship. Or emotional headspace for one. He is trying to compensate for their mother leaving and clearly feels guilt for taking time for himself. He sounds like a good dad, but he clearly has no space for a relationship and needs to be single. I dated (if you can call it that I guess) a colleague for a while and he was a single dad, but his children much younger. They didn’t see their mother at all and he also has no time for a relationship. I ended it recently (it had become much more casual) as I know I deserved more than the breadcrumbs this guy was giving me. It’s hard as I still have to see him at work but I know it’s the right decision, and yours is too. You deserve so much more.

As for teens, my DC are 17 and 21. 21yr old just graduated and moved in with girlfriend. He would have been fine to leave at home whilst I went to a partners house (maybe not all weekend, I wouldn’t have done that). My daughter though is very different and doesn’t really go out. She is very academic and currently studying for uni entrance tests. I would feel guilty also if I went all weekend somewhere. So I do understand where he is coming from. My brother and ex SIL split when their DC were 16 and 22. My SIL moved out and it was only 4 months later my brother met someone at work and he started staying over at hers, 20 mins drive away. He was gone so much that their girls ‘joked’ with my eldest that it was now like an orphanage (their mother was doing the same). My niece was late for one of her GCSE and the teacher came and picked her up. I would never do that, but I think they felt at 16 she was fine to leave all the time.

Original poster
Missmoto · 05/10/2025 07:59

Zanatdy · 05/10/2025 07:38

You did the right thing. Totally understand him not wanting to leave his youngest at home whilst he does weekends at your house, but it sounds like he doesn’t have time for a relationship. Or emotional headspace for one. He is trying to compensate for their mother leaving and clearly feels guilt for taking time for himself. He sounds like a good dad, but he clearly has no space for a relationship and needs to be single. I dated (if you can call it that I guess) a colleague for a while and he was a single dad, but his children much younger. They didn’t see their mother at all and he also has no time for a relationship. I ended it recently (it had become much more casual) as I know I deserved more than the breadcrumbs this guy was giving me. It’s hard as I still have to see him at work but I know it’s the right decision, and yours is too. You deserve so much more.

As for teens, my DC are 17 and 21. 21yr old just graduated and moved in with girlfriend. He would have been fine to leave at home whilst I went to a partners house (maybe not all weekend, I wouldn’t have done that). My daughter though is very different and doesn’t really go out. She is very academic and currently studying for uni entrance tests. I would feel guilty also if I went all weekend somewhere. So I do understand where he is coming from. My brother and ex SIL split when their DC were 16 and 22. My SIL moved out and it was only 4 months later my brother met someone at work and he started staying over at hers, 20 mins drive away. He was gone so much that their girls ‘joked’ with my eldest that it was now like an orphanage (their mother was doing the same). My niece was late for one of her GCSE and the teacher came and picked her up. I would never do that, but I think they felt at 16 she was fine to leave all the time.

Your kids sounds lovely. And I agree with the whole entire weekend thing. But in the end I understood why he felt like he couldn’t so instead suggested just a cup of tea and chat at mine rather than saying over and he couldn’t even do that. I’m sorry you had to end a relationship with someone you work with that must be so hard! Luckily him and I don’t work together. I left that place to go get my degree (which I now have)

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 05/10/2025 08:29

Missmoto · 05/10/2025 07:59

Your kids sounds lovely. And I agree with the whole entire weekend thing. But in the end I understood why he felt like he couldn’t so instead suggested just a cup of tea and chat at mine rather than saying over and he couldn’t even do that. I’m sorry you had to end a relationship with someone you work with that must be so hard! Luckily him and I don’t work together. I left that place to go get my degree (which I now have)

Show quote history

Yes asking him to drop in for a cuppa and he can’t even do that suggests to me he just can’t be bothered putting in the effort. This guy I was seeing couldn’t even be bothered to reply to my messages, sometimes for days. Then he had the cheek to say when I ended it that I should know how much I mean to him. So I replied saying sorry, no, I won’t be believing that as someone who cares about somehow puts in some effort.

It is hard seeing him at work, I usually just give him a wave as I’m not going over to chat as it’s too hard. We don’t work directly together but occasionally he will need to contact me about something but that’s fine, I can do professional. These guys just need to stay single. I have full respect for him putting his kids first, and I didn’t mind not seeing much of him. But I did expect him to reply to an occasional message! Staying single, I have my dog, he is enough for me :)

Seaoftroubles · 05/10/2025 08:33

OP be reassured that you have done the right thing, especially as he has started to ignore your son and cause confusion there. It sounds like he has anxiety around his children and is actually not doing them any favours by suffocating them. Are the older 2 not at uni or in work?
If he really cares for you perhaps you can stay as friends but he needs to make the effort, not you. You've tried your hardest and it seems he's made no effort whatsoever.

TalulaHalulah · 05/10/2025 08:53

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at authors request

DangerousDolphin · 05/10/2025 08:54

You definitely did the right thing. Don’t let the children issues distract you as a red herring though - if all his children moved to different countries then I suspect this man would still not meet your needs.

Woompund · 05/10/2025 08:59

He sounds totally enmeshed with his kids and running around after them meets his needs to be needed. There is no reason at all he couldn't have spent time with you on weekends while his DD entertained herself. I have a 17 year old and he has declined to do anything with me at the weekend for the last 2 years! He's not rude, he just has better things to do. He doesn't want anything to change and he's not being a good parent by making them so dependent on him.

Woompund · 05/10/2025 09:01

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at authors request

There is a point where I also think I cannot really ask DD to look after DS overnight so I can go stay with someone romantically.

Your youngest is 15? And you don't feel you can leave them at home with your adult DC for a night? Why on earth not? You are martyring yourself.

Original poster
Missmoto · 05/10/2025 09:08

Zanatdy · 05/10/2025 08:29

Yes asking him to drop in for a cuppa and he can’t even do that suggests to me he just can’t be bothered putting in the effort. This guy I was seeing couldn’t even be bothered to reply to my messages, sometimes for days. Then he had the cheek to say when I ended it that I should know how much I mean to him. So I replied saying sorry, no, I won’t be believing that as someone who cares about somehow puts in some effort.

It is hard seeing him at work, I usually just give him a wave as I’m not going over to chat as it’s too hard. We don’t work directly together but occasionally he will need to contact me about something but that’s fine, I can do professional. These guys just need to stay single. I have full respect for him putting his kids first, and I didn’t mind not seeing much of him. But I did expect him to reply to an occasional message! Staying single, I have my dog, he is enough for me :)

Show quote history

Yes me too. It’s one of the things the drew me to him in the first place is how good of a Dad he is. But this guilt he has cripples him and I thought if we could find balance life would be better for both of us. Single and dog sounds heaven! I had my old boy cat but he sadly passed recently :( so I have considered getting a dog actually. I agree these people should stay single.

OP posts:
Mycatissohandsome · 05/10/2025 09:09

With regard to his DC I will say having been a single Mum for 10 years and now having young adult DC they will always come above any relationship that I have. So much so I have just split with my 2nd H as he says he is always on the periphery of my life - I cannot deny it but won't change it for anyone.

TalulaHalulah · 05/10/2025 09:15

Woompund · 05/10/2025 09:01

There is a point where I also think I cannot really ask DD to look after DS overnight so I can go stay with someone romantically.

Your youngest is 15? And you don't feel you can leave them at home with your adult DC for a night? Why on earth not? You are martyring yourself.

Show quote history

Maybe.
I would and have left them to go and visit a friend who lives the other side of the country this summer, but I feel I would have to know a potential partner decently well before I went off to stay over because they would know, I wouldn’t lie about where I was. It’s about whether I feel comfortable with that.

it’s a moot point as DD was not home when I was seeing the first person I was dating and would have stayed over with had I not had childcare responsibilities. I have not met anyone else I would like to see again in that way and I am not looking at the moment either, because as I say, I need and want to do other things for myself first.

edited to add: but yes, now I feel judged for sharing my story to try and advice the OP. Thanks for that.

PashaMinaMio · 05/10/2025 09:32

OP I think your relationship has run its course.
He’s not meeting your needs. He’s not nurturing the relationship and meeting you half way or suggesting work around. He can’t be bothered, is taking you for granted. Leave him to it.

The pain of walking away is horrendous when youve invested so much but it’s time to bale out OP. Time to leave him to his kids.
He’s become very dull. Block him on absolutely everything. Hes had his chances. Walk and dont look back.

AlwaysHopefull89 · 05/10/2025 09:33

Yes.

PussInBin20 · 05/10/2025 09:45

Sorry but it seems he had already left the relationship but just didn’t have the guts to tell you.

unsync · 05/10/2025 09:55

Of course you've done the right thing. He doesn't love and adore you. He might tell you that, but his actions say otherwise. This man doesn't value you or your son. You both deserve better.

Can you work on feeling less lonely? What is it that a partner gives you that you are not giving yourself? How is your self esteem?Are you happy in your own company? I think these things are important. You need to like and love yourself before expecting someone else to.

Zanatdy · 05/10/2025 10:01

Missmoto · 05/10/2025 09:08

Yes me too. It’s one of the things the drew me to him in the first place is how good of a Dad he is. But this guilt he has cripples him and I thought if we could find balance life would be better for both of us. Single and dog sounds heaven! I had my old boy cat but he sadly passed recently :( so I have considered getting a dog actually. I agree these people should stay single.

Show quote history

Yeah same for this guy. I respect he is a good dad and needs to put his DC first. I never asked for much from him, but taking the P when he can’t even be bothered to reply to my messages. I was aware my feelings for him were much stronger, but I was always aware of his shortcomings so tried not to get too involved. Hopefully ending it now saves me some hurt in the long term.

Sorry about your cat. It’s so sad when we lose pets. Dogs are amazing and the whole family adores him. They are a tie though, and mine costs me a fortune!

Sparkletastic · 05/10/2025 10:08

From my armchair psychologist perspective he’s doing a great job of raising kids with an anxious attachment style. He’s doing them no favours and expecting you to cope with nothing but breadcrumbs. You’ve done the right thing.

Original poster
Missmoto · 05/10/2025 11:01

Hi all thanks for all the replies. As for loneliness, it seems to be a crime these days to admit you want a relationship. I did the whole ‘on my own healing thing’ for years when my son was a baby/toddler and I was happy then. And I have a life I love now, I have a job I love and planning on going further with my career next year after finishing my degree, I have an excellent relationship with my son and me and his Dad are on good terms. I have amazing friends, I have a hobby I get to engage with, I have amazing family. What do I need that I was getting from him? Something you can’t get elsewhere: intimacy, physical affection etc. you can have all the friends and hobbies in the world but nothing replaces that. It’s important to know here I was not demanding more time or trying to take time away from his kids. I was only asking for more balance as it was me carrying the relationship alone.

OP posts:
StewkeyBlue · 05/10/2025 11:22

You have your needs, and atm they are not compatible with his.

His youngest was 14 when you got together and that is a really tricky age for teens and a child watching their Dad start a relationship with a younger child. 14 and 15 year olds can be very insecure, and not ready to let go of being Dad’s Child… however much they won’t admit it. I think any degree of blending of families is much harder on the kids than the adults usually admit.

Also parents if younger children tend to see older children as much more grown up than they might be , and to have higher expectations of them.

And this man does seem to be locked into going etc.

None of it is anyone necessarily being bad or wrong, just different needs and preoccupations at the moment, and if he can’t give you what you need, move on.

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