Hi all.
I don’t have many people IRL to talk to so I’m looking for reassurance that I’ve done the right thing.
I’ve left my partner of 3 years. Context: he is older than me and has three kids (now 24, 20 and 17) he is older than me, I have one 8 year old.
we met at work and were very good friends for years before we actually became an item.
He has always had what can only call a “guilt complex” over his kids (his wife walked out and left them all when the kids were younger). He has felt uncomfortable spending time away from them to be with out of fear of upsetting his kids.
he’s not a bad person, I understand his fear comes from a good place (ie wanting to be a good Dad) but I assumed that things would shift as his kids got older (they haven’t and I’m fact it’s gotten worse than ever).
we used to spend weekends together. I’d go to his the weekend my son was at his dad’s, and he would come to me the one after. He stopped coming out to (something to do with his youngest falling out wit her mum and had stopped seeing her mum and he felt guilty leaving her at home) - I understood and so it went on. But lately things have got worse, and it was always me having to fit around him, his schedule, his kids. My son had started to notice he’d stopped coming to see us, he missed him and was confused about why he didn’t come out anymore.
we spent less and less time together, as all he does is run about after his kids (giving them lifts, waiting for their beck and call). He even said he felt bad the weekends that I was at his house because his daughter would go off upstairs instead of sitting with us. I just felt this was because she was a young adult that recognised he needed space with his relationship.
I reached out asking for more balance as I don’t know how it happened but slowly over the years, it ended up with me carrying the relationship, me coming to him and spending time with his kids, while he ignored that my son even existed, me having to for around his schedule and his kids schedules.
so when I reached out asking for more balance. I wasn’t trying to “take away” anything or any time from his kids or even asking for more time with him. I was just asking for “different”. He lives four miles away and knows how lonely I am and he doesn’t even come out to see me not even for a cup of tea. I asked about this. He said he can’t change his guilt over his kids, he wouldn’t want to be any other way and said no to me trying to save the relationship by asking him to meet me in the middle and restore some balance.
it was like a knife to the heart, begging for crumbs and scraps of time with him. I’ve been left to feel like a burden and just another “thing” for him to feel guilty about.
I am a parent so I understand kids come first. But I have an 8 year old and his are young adults so I naturally expected more flexibility from him since mine is still so little. He treats his as though they were my child’s age. He refuses to let his kids see he has his own wants and needs. Whereas although my son does come first, I don’t teach him that I have no needs. I tell him things like “I’m having this time to myself while you are at Daddy’s house because Mummy needs to recharge too” and although he comes first, I don’t want to raise him spoiled. My ex made me feel much less of a parent than him because I didn’t have his guilt complex or martyrdom.
have I done the right thing here? I’m heartbroken but couldn’t see a way forward as he refused any of my suggestions to regain balance.
also, if you are a parent to young adults/teens how is your situation? I’m not the parent of teens so I guess I don’t understand and all I can do is compare it to my experience as a teen where I was very independent, I was out with my friends, I had a job, I was a studying, having the time of my life. I certainly wasn’t hanging around at home relying on my Dad for everything…I thought that teen years may have been such a wonderful thing for parents: seeing their kids grow, and thrive in their independence and being so proud of them and their confidence. His kids are anxious, needy, and do nothing but stay in the house and in their rooms. So a perspective on teens would be nice too if anyone has them.
thank you for reading, I live miles away from any family, I really am all alone just me and my son so I’m really feeling the loneliness and can’t help feeling like I’m in the wrong here. I’ve been poorly all week and in the middle of a cancer scare and all he has done is push me away, give me the cold shoulder, put me in the doghouse all week, make me adhere to his schedule (made me wait a whole week to have the “chat” despite knowing I was spiralling, then cancelled on me an hour before meeting because he had to give his daughter a lift) x