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Original poster

Could I please ask,how supportive is the man usually leading up to and during labour?

38 replies

wooga · 03/06/2008 21:45

Just watching something that's brought back memories of the night before dd was born.

I knew I was getting near to going to the hospital,in pain and I really wanted someone alongside me-company I suppose, but exh went to bed and didn't want to be disturbed until he really had to be-when my mum came over to drive us to the hospital.

I was downstairs on my own,pacing the lounge,trying to watch tv to take my mind off things and timing my contractions,so I'd know when to phone for a lift.

I know that,fair enough,he probably needed some kip(as I did ),but I thought he'd genuinely want to be there with me-and I'm not into these slushy,soppy films where everything's perfect.

I just thought he'd have an interest as my ds had complications and was a cs several weeks early(exh was pretty crap that time too).

Is this just normality as far as relationships go?Is this how it is with all men?

OP posts:
Chandon · 03/06/2008 21:49

Mine was asleep, until I really had to go. Then he fainted during labour.

Fact is, men can´t do all that much, and they hate the useless feeling of watching helplessly while you do all the work...

Blu · 03/06/2008 21:50

um, lets just say the 'ex' in 'exh' makes sense from this incident alone.

DP is not always emotionally literate (as they say) but would have done anything I asked to support me when I was in labour.

Original poster
wooga · 03/06/2008 21:52

'would have done anything I asked to support me when I was in labour.'

That's what I felt was missing.

OP posts:
Pinkchampagne · 03/06/2008 21:52

Mine was having bangers & mash in a nearby pub when DS1 was born, then in the hospital waiting room through my entire labour with DS2!

Elasticwoman · 03/06/2008 21:53

I can see why he is now ex h, Wooga.

My dh leapt out of bed as soon as I woke him at 3 am to say it was time to go to hospital. (I hadn't been in labour when we went to bed the evening before.)

But I didn't hang around long at home in labour for my first two and he knew he had to drive me to hospital. Also he had to sort out the TENS machine. He knew he was needed and there was no one else to do those things. Perhaps your ex h felt that you had the required support from other sources and didn't want to compete with your mother. If I've understood your story correctly.

When ds was born and I did labour at home for an hour or two, and I remember waking him at 4.30 am saying, "you don't have to get up just yet, but I think I'm in early labour" to which he replied "do you think I could go back to sleep after you said that?"
and we both got up, drank tea and watched a video of This Life before going into hospital.

unknownrebelbang · 03/06/2008 21:55

Apart from the fact that DH was on nights when my waters broke with DS1 (not his fault obviously!) he was superb on all three occasions.

Not bad considering he wasn't sure he wanted to be there first time round.

Original poster
wooga · 03/06/2008 21:56

He doesn't drive and I was too big to get behind the wheel-hence my mum being driver,I guess I wanted a grown-up responsible man to step in-as in him growing up and playing his part.

It's interesting to hear the different situations.

OP posts:
Elasticwoman · 03/06/2008 21:57

Actually dh was very supportive in the delivery room. He had been to some of the nct classes and knew what to do. Also had science degree and not squeamish. I knew he was keen to see the births and remember him holding dd1 minutes after her birth while they stitched me up.

PussinJimmyChoos · 03/06/2008 21:58

DH was a rock when I was in labour, apart from telling me my hearing aid kept squeaking when I was mid contraction....

Original poster
wooga · 03/06/2008 21:58

Wow-some really nice stories here-guess I was unlucky!

OP posts:
Elasticwoman · 03/06/2008 21:58

Wooga - did ex h have any ante-natal education?

sweetkitty · 03/06/2008 21:59

DP is quite squeamish and won't watch Casualty because of the blood and gore so we were both anxious about labour. He was great though apparently he had a leg both times and loves to describe in great detail what went on. He says it is the best thing he has ever seen and can't wait for the next one to be born. He wants to video it

funnypeculiar · 03/06/2008 22:01

Sounds like he is well placed in the x-box, wooga.

DH was fab, especially the first time - waters broke at 3am & he ran around making tea and fussing . I'd impressed firmly upon him that he needed to be 'in my corner', so he marched into the labour ward demanding extra pillows (before i was actually in labour - the midwife squashed him gently)
He was wonderful with my breathing, & that was the key thing that helped me have a drug free birth for the second one. He made up my birth music both time (used neither time). For the second, he was the one who went along to a home birth group when I had work commitments, & helped convince me a home birth was worth trying for,

OTOH, he did go over speed bumps much too fast on the way into hospital & didn't time them to contractions.

Original poster
wooga · 03/06/2008 22:02

Sorry,misseed that then!Yes he went to classes when I was expecting ds.

When I was in hospital with bleeding with ds and being kept in he'd come to see me then rush off for football match on telly/footy practice.

Was hoping he'd be better 2nd time round.

OP posts:
Original poster
wooga · 03/06/2008 22:07

missed,rather.

Some amazing partners on here,maybe some men just aren't as caring-have their priorities wrong.

OP posts:
RainyWednesday · 03/06/2008 22:15

We haven't reached that stage yet, but I know my dad refused to get up when I (PFB!) was born. My mum had to wake her brother, who was staying the night, and get him to drive her to hospital, then dad met them later.

And for my first brother, my dad really really wanted to go somewhere for the day and kept phoning from locations further and further away until my mum convinced him that this really was it and he should come home!

snotbuster · 03/06/2008 22:28

Wooga - do we have the same XP?? Sounds like you're describing the same man that I had DS with. He was utterly unhelpful during my 40 hour labour - refused to help me even time contractions at home and spent most of the night we were in hospital trying to chat up the midwife. He wouldn't even hold my hand . Things did improve a bit when I was rushed into theatre for an emergency c-section - think that frightened him.
This became one of the many reasons he's XP now. I felt so frightened and so alone - never forgave him for it. Sorry you had a similar experience, it's not how it's meant to be and I completely understand how you feel.

Blu · 03/06/2008 23:43

Wooga - sorry you felt so let down...there is hope out there!

You see I have no patience with statements like "Fact is, men can´t do all that much, and they hate the useless feeling of watching helplessly while you do all the work... ". No, they may not be able to DO much, but the ability to stay close and show that they would if they could is really important. And so what if they hate feeling helpless? Are they so wimpy they can't put up with hating anything for a while? DP did actualy confess later that he hated the whole process...but he still wouldn't have dreampt of abandoning me - that's to do with loyalty, solidarity, 'duty', even.

What DP DID was : faff about putting the up pool like Jonesy from Dads Army, empty the waste paper bin into the midwives bag before offering it to me to be sick in, fail to explain to A&E, who said 'no, no addmittance through this entrance, walk 800m round the corner' at 4am that I was actually clutching the railings outside well into the pushing stage, but believe it or not, I still felt that in spirit he was on my side. That's what counted.

poshwellies · 03/06/2008 23:44

Well my dh was supportive during pregnancy,then was a completely useless twonk as soon as my waters had broke and I went into labour.
Waters go at 3am, had woke him from a heavy sleep (due to a red wine consumed the evening before) and got grunted at.Contractions carry on through night as I listened to him snore.Fast forward until about 10am,he decides to remove the kitchen radiator while I'm on all fours in front room puffing on cue with contractions.

I tell him its about time we go to the hospital,we stop at B&Q so he can get a part for radiator,holy feck-I wanted to kill him,I'm in car in agony,lady knocks on window to ask if I'm ok! He's still in the fecking store,we got there though, for the rest of the time he was like a rabbit in the headlights,ds was finally born 16hrs later.

I don't know where his head was at,I guess he couldn't cope with the reality of me giving birth so blocked it out by doing some mundane shit,but I needed a little support and he wasn't capable of giving me that really.He's a great dad ,just didn't cope with the labour and birth very well.

littlewoman · 04/06/2008 01:41

He was as much use as a chocolate fireguard. If shouting at the midwife counts as being useful during labour, he was very embarrassing useful indeed.

littlewoman · 04/06/2008 01:43

My first husband was great during labour though, cos he was a nother twat nurse.

CoffeeCrazedMama · 04/06/2008 09:01

My dh was my rock all four times - really can't imagine how I would have coped without him.

In fact the lovely midwife we had with dd3 was so impressed she wrote in the notes 'very supportive husband!' .

I suspect she had seen a lot of the sorts of dhs/dps on here.

lulumama · 04/06/2008 09:05

DH was brilliant second time

first time we were both rubbish!!

second time, when i arrived at delivery suite, with ctx every 3 minutes, begging for pain relief, to be examined and told not dilated, and i would need a c.s as i am just one of those women who does not dilate, he took the Midwife outside the room and firmly explained why a c.s was not an option and that we had to work together to get the baby born vaginally.

which she was !

yay for DH !

ConnorTraceptive · 04/06/2008 09:06

My dh let me bite his head whilst pushing

lulumama · 04/06/2008 09:06

but i woke up in labour and he asked should he go to work, and if not , could i make him a packed lunch to take to hospital, and was still clearing the nursery whilst i was in labour but he did the important things, so i forgive him