In-laws ruining relationship

CMC13 · 2025-10-04T11:11:45+00:00

Does anyone feel like since their babies have been born their relationship has really gone downhill and its because of your mother and father in law causing the arguments? I feel like they've caused so many problems by not listening its caused a lot of arguments between us, now all I can do is resent them even more. It just hit me that he never says I love you or gives me a kiss or a cuddle anymore. When he used to leave the house he used to always say it without fail. Now its just 'see you'. If those two hadn't of caused problems crossing boundaries we wouldn't be in this situation. I feel like he still thinks his parents are wonderful and I'm the problem all because I've asked him to tell them to respect boundaries which they didn't like so his mum hasn't seen the babies in 7 weeks but I'm the bad one. Its suddenly hit me and now I feel like I dont know what to do for the best. If he's going to side with his parents all of the time, what's the point. Sorry just ranting❤️

Jellybunny56 · 04/10/2025 12:14

I’m sorry OP but in-laws can only ruin a relationship if your partner lets them. My PIL are arseholes, husband knows that and has never, would never, let the shit comes out of their mouths come between us or harm us.

You have a partner problem, not a PIL problem.

Cherrysoup · 04/10/2025 17:27

Difficult to agree/disagree when we have no idea what they’ve done.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 04/10/2025 17:29

Jellybunny56 · 04/10/2025 12:14

I’m sorry OP but in-laws can only ruin a relationship if your partner lets them. My PIL are arseholes, husband knows that and has never, would never, let the shit comes out of their mouths come between us or harm us.

You have a partner problem, not a PIL problem.

To be fair, it could also be an OP problem, we have no details here.

autienotnaughty · 04/10/2025 19:09

My pil can be a pita but it doesn’t really affect our relationship maybe because we only see them once or twice a month?
The disabled child, both my parents dying, a errant dog, a teenager, chronic pain and mental health issues have put a bit of a dampener on it tho.

Original poster

CMC13 · 05/10/2025 14:33

@Cherrysoup they were told 7 times not to keep kissing our premature babies. She didnt like being told no so hasn't bothered seeing them for the past 7 weeks. Now she's manipulating her son to take them up to her house as she knows I dont feel comfortable there
She's saying she won't come here as she doesn't feel welcome or comfortable but she created the problem! My partner is constantly taking her side but she's completely in the wrong.

OP posts:

user1492757084 · 05/10/2025 14:43

Your husband should be stipulating that if you all visit his mother's home, she must NOT kiss the babies.
Only allow the babies to visit her if you also go along.

Don't let this early confrontation dictate the rest of your life.
Just keep behaving reasonably and ignoring the strange intvitation that leaves you out.

Your DH has to argue for you and clearly tell his parents that you are the mother and the babies are too young to be kissed.
I hope the relationship is quickly repaired, for the best long term result.

MsPavlichenko · 05/10/2025 14:47

CMC13 · 05/10/2025 14:33

@Cherrysoup they were told 7 times not to keep kissing our premature babies. She didnt like being told no so hasn't bothered seeing them for the past 7 weeks. Now she's manipulating her son to take them up to her house as she knows I dont feel comfortable there
She's saying she won't come here as she doesn't feel welcome or comfortable but she created the problem! My partner is constantly taking her side but she's completely in the wrong.

She may well be completely in the wrong. She’s not the problem though, your partner is. She can be as wrong as she likes as long as he is backing you up. He’s not. That’s what needs fixed here. If it’s not you have a lifetime of this ahead. In which case you might want to seriously consider your options.

mammat72 · 11/10/2025 04:14

CMC13 · 05/10/2025 14:33

@Cherrysoup they were told 7 times not to keep kissing our premature babies. She didnt like being told no so hasn't bothered seeing them for the past 7 weeks. Now she's manipulating her son to take them up to her house as she knows I dont feel comfortable there
She's saying she won't come here as she doesn't feel welcome or comfortable but she created the problem! My partner is constantly taking her side but she's completely in the wrong.

have you ever felt that she might feel you don't like her and is sensitive and acting like this because of that. or is she really manipulative. i told my own mother not to kiss my granddaughters head and she didn't like being told no. I personally would text her and say i know it upset you that i asked you not to kiss the baby on the face. this was nothing personal we requested the same from my parents, you are welcome to visit. and as others have said its not them ruining your relationship, you've either stopped having sex, you moan at him about his parents all the time or he is also tired from new baby and is feeling lost left out. have you actually sat and asked him how he is doing x

Original poster

CMC13 · 11/10/2025 05:32

mammat72 · 11/10/2025 04:14

have you ever felt that she might feel you don't like her and is sensitive and acting like this because of that. or is she really manipulative. i told my own mother not to kiss my granddaughters head and she didn't like being told no. I personally would text her and say i know it upset you that i asked you not to kiss the baby on the face. this was nothing personal we requested the same from my parents, you are welcome to visit. and as others have said its not them ruining your relationship, you've either stopped having sex, you moan at him about his parents all the time or he is also tired from new baby and is feeling lost left out. have you actually sat and asked him how he is doing x

Show quote history

She was really horrible to be when I was heavily pregnant and because she tried sneaking into our house when we were both away and I said she wasn't to go in there whilst we were away she didnt talk to me for 3 weeks because she couldn't get her own way. If she doesn't get her own way she'll either ignore people and make herself the victim until she gets her own way. Even her own daughter sided with me and said its her not you. She was told 7 times not to kiss them, she's a grown adult. That's child like behaviour and because she was told a stern no she didn't like it. Even my partner admitted he doesn't know what's wrong with her behaviour but she pulls on his heart strings and he gives in. I'm not a horrible person at all but if I need to protect my babies, I will. Well he can't be tired from the babies I do everything for them 24/7. He gets 9 hours uninterrupted sleep a night. Even though my health visitor said most of the dads she knows still help during the night even if they work. I dont moan about his parents unless they've crossed the line. She also knows my family dont kiss the babies and always wash their hands before holding them. She thinks she's above everyone else, even rolled her eyes when being told if she keep sanitise her hands. I can see what you're trying to say but its a bit mean pointing the finger at me when I've done nothing wrong but protect my daughters and I do more than enough for my partner x

OP posts:

CopperWhite · 11/10/2025 06:08

It’s pretty mean to not let a grandmother kiss her grandchild.

If you’re going to impose rules against things that mothers and families have been fine with for generations, then you have to expect it to sour relationships.

From your partners perspective, if he’s happy to let his mum
kiss his baby, then it is you that’s causing the issue.

Tiredofwhataboutery · 11/10/2025 06:43

CopperWhite · 11/10/2025 06:08

It’s pretty mean to not let a grandmother kiss her grandchild.

If you’re going to impose rules against things that mothers and families have been fine with for generations, then you have to expect it to sour relationships.

From your partners perspective, if he’s happy to let his mum
kiss his baby, then it is you that’s causing the issue.

There’s a difference between a healthy singleton born at term and, I’m assuming, preemie twins? I had preemie twins and they were much more vulnerable to respiratory infections. I’d had the steroids to mature their lungs but every little cough or cold seemed to start a cascade of events that would lead to a night or two in hospital for steroids/ antibiotics.

I think in those circumstances it’s really selfish to kiss them. They need protecting whilst they mature a bit.

thepariscrimefiles · 11/10/2025 06:57

CMC13 · 11/10/2025 05:32

She was really horrible to be when I was heavily pregnant and because she tried sneaking into our house when we were both away and I said she wasn't to go in there whilst we were away she didnt talk to me for 3 weeks because she couldn't get her own way. If she doesn't get her own way she'll either ignore people and make herself the victim until she gets her own way. Even her own daughter sided with me and said its her not you. She was told 7 times not to kiss them, she's a grown adult. That's child like behaviour and because she was told a stern no she didn't like it. Even my partner admitted he doesn't know what's wrong with her behaviour but she pulls on his heart strings and he gives in. I'm not a horrible person at all but if I need to protect my babies, I will. Well he can't be tired from the babies I do everything for them 24/7. He gets 9 hours uninterrupted sleep a night. Even though my health visitor said most of the dads she knows still help during the night even if they work. I dont moan about his parents unless they've crossed the line. She also knows my family dont kiss the babies and always wash their hands before holding them. She thinks she's above everyone else, even rolled her eyes when being told if she keep sanitise her hands. I can see what you're trying to say but its a bit mean pointing the finger at me when I've done nothing wrong but protect my daughters and I do more than enough for my partner x

Show quote history

Your MIL sounds totally dreadful, but your partner doesn't sound much better. He isn't supporting you when his mum is horrible to you and massively oversteps and he is leaving you to care for two premature babies on your own while he gets 9 hours of uninterrupted sleep.

Do you have any help and support from your parents?

Dodgethis · 11/10/2025 07:04

CopperWhite · 11/10/2025 06:08

It’s pretty mean to not let a grandmother kiss her grandchild.

If you’re going to impose rules against things that mothers and families have been fine with for generations, then you have to expect it to sour relationships.

From your partners perspective, if he’s happy to let his mum
kiss his baby, then it is you that’s causing the issue.

Says the person who has no idea what it’s like raising medically vulnerable children.

We feel heart-broken by the restrictions without strangers sticking the boot in too.

Original poster

CMC13 · 11/10/2025 11:23

CopperWhite · 11/10/2025 06:08

It’s pretty mean to not let a grandmother kiss her grandchild.

If you’re going to impose rules against things that mothers and families have been fine with for generations, then you have to expect it to sour relationships.

From your partners perspective, if he’s happy to let his mum
kiss his baby, then it is you that’s causing the issue.

Really?! Premature twins, medical professionals told us no kissing. Sorry that I'm advocating for my children to keep them as healthy and safe as possible whilst they build an immune system. She'd be more upset if they were in hospital with RSV or a lung infection. Poor old grown up mother in law. Can't believe how selfish some grown adults are just for their own satisfaction! The whole family arent allowed to kiss them not just her.

OP posts:

StartleBright · 11/10/2025 15:54

OP - protect your babies. You are doing nothing wrong in that, especially little premature ones.
Yes, impose your rules and stand firm. Have a nice clear and direct conversation with the MIL directly - but hold firm. I cannot believe some of the responses here. Your DH might do anything for an easier life because he is well trained to not rock the boat with his mother, so don’t let him have an easier life with you - let him know exactly how mad you are, and how unreasonable he is being to give in to such foolishness. Sooner he learns about his responsibilities to his new family unit the better. And recruit sensible talking friends to give his head a wobble. He needs to be surrounded by people who are thinking straight.
Be firm. Be straight. And offer the path back to friendship after - ‘so glad we got that one sorted, why don’t we have a family meal next week’ - none of this nonsense sulking and not coming round. Be strong!

Hoppinggreen · 11/10/2025 15:57

No idea about your MIL but your partner is a Twat

mammat72 · 04/12/2025 01:15

CMC13 · 11/10/2025 05:32

She was really horrible to be when I was heavily pregnant and because she tried sneaking into our house when we were both away and I said she wasn't to go in there whilst we were away she didnt talk to me for 3 weeks because she couldn't get her own way. If she doesn't get her own way she'll either ignore people and make herself the victim until she gets her own way. Even her own daughter sided with me and said its her not you. She was told 7 times not to kiss them, she's a grown adult. That's child like behaviour and because she was told a stern no she didn't like it. Even my partner admitted he doesn't know what's wrong with her behaviour but she pulls on his heart strings and he gives in. I'm not a horrible person at all but if I need to protect my babies, I will. Well he can't be tired from the babies I do everything for them 24/7. He gets 9 hours uninterrupted sleep a night. Even though my health visitor said most of the dads she knows still help during the night even if they work. I dont moan about his parents unless they've crossed the line. She also knows my family dont kiss the babies and always wash their hands before holding them. She thinks she's above everyone else, even rolled her eyes when being told if she keep sanitise her hands. I can see what you're trying to say but its a bit mean pointing the finger at me when I've done nothing wrong but protect my daughters and I do more than enough for my partner x

Show quote history

haha im not being mean i don't know you and i don't know your situation, you've got a toxic narcissistic mother in law who knows no boundaries and if told no throws a strop. good luck with that ive got one of those and it gets worse as the years go on. she will constantly undermine you, ignore your wishes, so not being mean good luck

RealEagle · 04/12/2025 07:56

I’m with you OP ,i’m a grandmother of four i wouldn’t have dreamed of keep kissing newborns ,there is no need .She could give them a nice cuddle.

junebirthdaygirl · 04/12/2025 08:29

I am thinking of your dh who lies in bed while you take care of twins in the middle of the night. I am afraid selfishness has passed down mother to son. My dB and his wife had twins..probably not as premature as yours but every night she fed one he fed the other..Everytime!! Even if he can't feed them he can change their nappy, settle them back to sleep etc.
Forget Mil and say to DH l need you to take care of Katy while l do Rose tonight. Start this weekend ...each feeding time he is on duty too. Alternate the babies. It will help him bond too as he gets to know them.
Lying in bed while a new Mom tries to handle two babies is completely unacceptable.

You can deal with the horrible Mil later. And do not let those babies up there without you.

junebirthdaygirl · 04/12/2025 08:35

I am thinking of your dh who lies in bed while you take care of twins in the middle of the night. I am afraid selfishness has passed down mother to son. My dB and his wife had twins..probably not as premature as yours but every night she fed one he fed the other..Everytime!! Even if he can't feed them he can change their nappy, settle them back to sleep etc.
Forget Mil and say to DH l need you to take care of Katy while l do Rose tonight. Start this weekend ...each feeding time he is on duty too. Alternate the babies. It will help him bond too as he gets to know them.
Lying in bed while a new Mom tries to handle two babies is completely unacceptable.

You can deal with the horrible Mil later. And do not let those babies up there without you.

arethereanyleftatall · 04/12/2025 08:53

The problem is ENTIRELY your partner.

your mil could be as horrible as she wants, and it’s up to you your partner to go no contact.

the problem for you is that he doesn’t care about you enough to stand up to his mother.

the problem is also that he’s lazy and selfish.

I have difficulty sympathising in these situations when I would guess it was blindingly obvious before you fell pregnant that he would be useless, and you still did.

MeTooOverHere · 04/12/2025 09:00

CopperWhite · 11/10/2025 06:08

It’s pretty mean to not let a grandmother kiss her grandchild.

If you’re going to impose rules against things that mothers and families have been fine with for generations, then you have to expect it to sour relationships.

From your partners perspective, if he’s happy to let his mum
kiss his baby, then it is you that’s causing the issue.

Oh leave off!

There are good reasons why very young babies shouldn't be exposed to people who might be carrying viruses. We all had to get our vaxx up to date before my nieces would let anyone even near their kids as babies.

Yeah and babies have been dying "for generations" because of common viruses passed on to them by people kissing them.

Original poster

CMC13 · 04/12/2025 09:17

mammat72 · 04/12/2025 01:15

haha im not being mean i don't know you and i don't know your situation, you've got a toxic narcissistic mother in law who knows no boundaries and if told no throws a strop. good luck with that ive got one of those and it gets worse as the years go on. she will constantly undermine you, ignore your wishes, so not being mean good luck

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You're right! It has got worse since this post. I'm currently having thearpy for it. Constantly causing arguments. I said no kissing so how she's kissing their feet and resting her mouth on them. Just get your mouth away from my babies fgs.

OP posts:

RealEagle · 04/12/2025 10:04

CMC13 · 04/12/2025 09:17

You're right! It has got worse since this post. I'm currently having thearpy for it. Constantly causing arguments. I said no kissing so how she's kissing their feet and resting her mouth on them. Just get your mouth away from my babies fgs.

Show quote history

Resting her mouth on there feet 🤮 ,No!

sharkstale · 04/12/2025 10:09

Honestly, going by what you've said about the mil and your useless partner, and now the fact that you have to have therapy for it, you'd be better getting rid of them both.