In-laws ruining relationship

[CMC13]

Does anyone feel like since their babies have been born their relationship has really gone downhill and its because of your mother and father in law causing the arguments? I feel like they've caused so many problems by not listening its caused a lot of arguments between us, now all I can do is resent them even more. It just hit me that he never says I love you or gives me a kiss or a cuddle anymore. When he used to leave the house he used to always say it without fail. Now its just 'see you'. If those two hadn't of caused problems crossing boundaries we wouldn't be in this situation. I feel like he still thinks his parents are wonderful and I'm the problem all because I've asked him to tell them to respect boundaries which they didn't like so his mum hasn't seen the babies in 7 weeks but I'm the bad one. Its suddenly hit me and now I feel like I dont know what to do for the best. If he's going to side with his parents all of the time, what's the point. Sorry just ranting❤️

Sorry I put that wrong, she was kissing their feet and resting her mouth on their head. I've said no kissing. No means no. She's constantly pushing it. I dont even know what to do anymore. I have postpartum and health anxiety at the moment too, which she is aware of. As you can imagine its driving my anxiety wild.

Honestly she sounds like someone who has not used to being challenged in a long time and your husband has learned to jump to her manipulation. Bet her husband is the same.

I cannot see how your partner knows that the professionals have said not to let people do it and how can he not see it's not safe for them. Socks on or rompers (not sure of age) so she can't kiss their feet the weirdo.

Maybe I'd suggest you and your partner have some family counselling to be able to air out grievances to each other in a safe place.

He has to realise, as much as he loves his mother, he needs to be a team for you and his family. I'm not a MIL basher but this one is absolutely batshit and manipulative. Sulking/ stone walling is abusive behaviour and she uses it well. Leave her to it

Don't contact her and don't chase her up. Make her come to you. Reiterate the rules and say it's for their health, not because you are being petty to her. If she wants to see them then she has to comply simple as.

What a stupid and selfish woman.

Until you work out that your life will be a billion times better once you get rid of your partner, and thus her, no amount of therapy will help. I hope for your sake it’s soon.

Well, at the time I was feeding her and she stood their winding her up and she spewed the whole bottle back up. I was soaked and my daughter was so she said she'd change her. So when she was in her nappy she was still winding her up and kissing her feet! They are 5 months old now (4 corrected) but I dont want anyone kissing them this time of year!

This. They’re his babies too, therefore he shares caring for them, including nighttime.

The one thing that makes me feel uncomfortable is when he has contact with them, she will too and she'll be doing alsorts.

I had prem twins, plus a one year old singleton and a useless husband. I feel your exhaustion.

Your husband is the problem. His mother just pushes your buttons, but fundamentally it’s the husband. And also your anxiety and trauma and overwhelm is massive, and entirely understandable. Does one of them have reflux too? Fetching a whole bottle back up is not normal.

OP go and speak to your GP, and your local twins club and deal with your anxiety first. That will give you the strength to sort out your husband one way or another.

BTW the germ anxiety really hits home with me. I had a screaming fit when my mum put one of mine in a SUPERMARKET TROLLY SEAT and I felt like she’d just rubbed bacteria all over him. I lost my shit entirely in Tesco, crying, the lot. He was fine. I was a bit bonkers. It goes with the territory. Be gentle with yourself sweetheart. It gets better x

Hey, so she never normally brings it up. My MIL was making high pitch noises at her the whole time and winding her up. She can be quite funny with other people, she's quite reserved. I've fed her multiple times since and none has come back up. I've got my first session with my nhs thearpist on the 17th. I do have a private one too. Also been to the GP. She'a completely disrespectful. No kissing means no kissing whether its any body part! She knows i'm struggling but countines to do it.

Your partner needs to explain to them why this is the case, it’s not you being awkward - clearly MIL isa bit dim so he needs to hammer it home - it’s not you OP

He'a told her multiple times (I wasnt there) but we all had a b8g falling out over her sending him nasty multipulative messages on the weekend. He said he'd let the dust settle and then 3 days later they're texing him saying they're coming over as she wants to see them. She doesnt actually deserve to demand when she wants to come after the way she's behaved. And then she's kissing their feet when we said no kissing wtf. What do I do? I feel lost.

Your partner is the problem because you two should be a team. At some point you are going to have to talk to him seriously about this and ask him whether he considers you two to be a team. Because as a couple and parents of your twins, you have to be on Team Twins all of the time, looking out for their interests and protecting them from harm.

It would be hard for him to disagree with the logic of being on Team Twins. So then the next step is asking him to agree what the boundaries are that you both need to establish with people outside your household to ensure the twins are protected. And then saying that being Team Twins means presenting a united front, even in the face of manipulation from your respective families because the twins’ needs are paramount.

You need to find a way forward where you’re aligned on this and where he accepts that he’s chosen a life with you and the twins and that means defending that life against his mum if need be. He’s probably never had to consider doing this before, but if you’ve laid it out like this, him then failing to step up is very definitely a character flaw in him and you will know what you need to do.

But also, if you’ve established that as Team Twins you are a family unit that exists beyond his mother, you’ve shown he has something else to belong to and isn’t just an extension of his parents. And some men do seem to need that pointed out to them: that they’ve gained a chosen family and changing the relationship with birth family when it is toxic isn’t either a character flaw or likely to lead to them missing out. And that they’ll have a healthier life and better mental health for making the choice.

You are 100% correct. Unfortunately i've said all of this to him. He has had ago at his mum but that doesnt seem to be enough. I've told him my mental health can't take it anymore and I think its best if I leave but them he gets all upset and says he doesnt want me to. What else can I do? His mum just wont listen but he wont cut her off either. I feel completely lost and suffocated. I also have social anxiety so struggle with standing up for myself and I think she takes advantage of that and it makes me feel worse.

Unfortunately, it’s consistent behaviour that gets results, not one-offs. So him having a go at his mum the once to try and get her to behave is a good start, but shutting down her poor behaviour regularly is what is needed. If every time she tries something on he either stops or redirects her, she will eventually learn and adjust her behaviour. I’m guessing that because that one time he had a go didn’t bring lasting results, he thinks the situation is hopeless so why try.

His mum is playing the long game and has likely manipulated and controlled him for most of his life in one way or another. It will take time and repetition to break free unless he literally goes NC. I think there are threads on here about narcissistic parents and how to deal with them, and it might be that there are some resources there you can use to help your DP handle this better.

If they just washed their hands before picking them up (his dad puts gel on and then rubs it in his clothes as if to make a point he doesnt want to do it) no kissing yet and no poking and proding them in public winding them up. Thats all I ask. Its the time of year as well thats making me nervous

Your partner is your biggest problem.

Op isn't being hysterical here. AT ALL. She's completely justified in her concern that MIL is transferring possibly infected saliva to premature babies whose immune system can't resist pathogens. Op is following the pediatrician's instructions.

MEAN?! Are you seriously justifying the selfish behaviour of this shit MIL?

Have you ever seen a baby with RSV, which is RIFE in winter? Go and look it up. I won't give the details because I don't want to alarm OP further, but it is deadly and can lead to lifelong lung function problems.

This MIL is prioritizing her wants over two little babies' health. She's a bloody selfish bitch, and the weak kneed H needs a bollocking by the pediatrician.

Tell her in front of DH and FIL that if she continues to undermine you, she won’t see her DGCs anymore. Double down on the no kissing was Doctors orders she is NOT better qualified than the medics.

You try spending 2 weeks in hospital with a 3 month (corrected) old with bronchiolitis, watching them gasp for breath. It's terrifying

I mentioned to him about kissing our babies feet when I've said NO kissing. It'll turn into feet kissing and then when she thinks she can get away with that It'll be the face. He said he didnt have a problem with it but I do. I said to him I thought we were trying to be a team now and he said I was dramatic. His mum wond the babies up so much yesterday she sicked up all of her milk because she was making high pitch noises at her and jumping up and down. I've had enough we're not a team at all and he's always going to let his mum get away with things I'm not happy about. I think its time I look into moving out tbh.

Id be telling her to fuck off. I wouldnt be polite either. I also wouldnt give a shit if she cried and never returned.

If I didn't have social anxiety I would. I have so much built up rage about the way she's treated me both when I was heavily pregnant and 5 months of my postpartum. I'd be happy if I upset her and she never came over ever again tbh! I can't stand her. She's pure evil and she knows exactly what she's doing. My partner is too pathetic to even tell her. He's going to have a shock when I go. And it'll all be his mummies fault and his for not standing by me.