To think I’ll never be able to trust my OH again after texting

Effortles · 2025-10-03T22:59:51+00:00

Hi MN, My head is a mess, I don’t know if how I’m feeling is valid or I’m deeply insecure. Me and my OH have been together for 5 years, two kids under 4. Around two years ago, during a “dry spell” and a rough patch, I found out my OH had texted an old fling from years ago, a lady he met before I met him. Nothing came of it but the texting still hurt because it was flirty. We came to conclusion he was texting her for validation and some sort of boost. Since that occasion, I have tried to trust him but my feelings and insecurities have manifested, I’m an absolute mess to the point I’ve considered leaving. I’ve accused him left, right and centre, even getting insecure with him chatting to the female neighbour. He recently got a new job and at the interview he met an admin assistant who signed him in and has been contacting him about the job through phone calls and email. He told me this was a male assistant but tonight we were discussing his new job and he slipped up by saying “she” and told me the admin assistant was actually a woman. He didn’t want to tell me because he felt I’d accuse him of cheating. I asked for her name and he very reluctantly told me. I searched her up and she’s a very attractive woman and that’s just fueled my insecurity. I’m now sat thinking, why did he get so shady when I asked for her name, has he been texting her? I could go through his phone, he’s not secretive, it’s on the bedside table. But I can’t live like this, it’s killing me. Please help?

mmsnet · 04/10/2025 00:03

trust is gone, either work through it or leave

Ciderapplevinegar · 04/10/2025 00:06

You weren't together long when you got pregnant, so whether it would have reached this point without that factor is up for debate. However, he cocked up with the flirty texts before, and you cocked up with the ongoing scrutiny. Either you get over it and trust him, or you end it, because this isn't sustainable and is leading to deception. I'm not saying you should get over it, as it's a big betrayal, just that if you want this relationship to continue then you have to. You can't keep accusing him and expect him to be open with you.

UpDownAllAround1 · 04/10/2025 06:14

Well if you carry on pushing him
away and accusing him, he will leave anyway. Is that what you want ?

thepariscrimefiles · 04/10/2025 06:54

UpDownAllAround1 · 04/10/2025 06:14

Well if you carry on pushing him
away and accusing him, he will leave anyway. Is that what you want ?

This is the Relationships board, not AIBU. Posters are expected to have a smidgeon of empathy and kindness.

He exchanged flirty messages with an old flame and he has lied about the sex of a work colleague. He hardly sounds faithful and trustworthy.

ExtraOnions · 04/10/2025 07:11

You don’t trust him, this relationship has no future … this pattern will continue, and make you both miserable for years.

After the flirting texts, you either decided to move on, or split - if you move in, it means just that.. you can’t keep on bringing it up. You are jealous to the point where he feels the need to lie about the sex of work colleagues, which is a fairly pitiful place to be.

Flirting may have been wrong, but you are also wrong in your current behaviour. Either leave or move on, this current situation is damaging you, your partner, and your children.

Didimum · 04/10/2025 07:35

She’s shown you he is untrustworthy and that he deals with conflict by turning to other women.

It’s far healthier to see this as a huge red flag than to brush it aside.

That said, it’s not healthy to remain in limbo and anguish over it. Can you afford couples counselling?

Lighteningstrikes · 04/10/2025 08:13

Trust can be rebuilt but it takes time.

Have you only been deeply insecure since you met your OH? Or does it go back further?

It sounds like it’s destroying you, and it will destroy your relationship.

Counselling would help you.

theonlyonestillawake · 04/10/2025 08:19

He fucked up by texting the old flame and then turned it around to say he felt invalidated and needed a boost- implying that he wasn't getting these things from you.

You had children very early in the relationship, so have gone from exciting and fun dating to "mum" very quickly. It appears he hasn't made the transition and blames you for that.

The whole "I didn't want to tell you the admin assistant was female because I know how you react" is deflecting and blaming you again.

I think you need to either split or get some couples counselling

montston · 04/10/2025 08:21

You are right, you will never be able to trust him.

bumbaloo · 04/10/2025 08:23

UpDownAllAround1 · 04/10/2025 06:14

Well if you carry on pushing him
away and accusing him, he will leave anyway. Is that what you want ?

Tbf if he was seeking validation that early on in a relationship when he should have been worshipping her you have to wonder if he’s a stayer anyway

Comtesse · 04/10/2025 08:35

It is not normal to have to look up a random woman from an interview. This is extreme, irrational jealousy. Yes of course he shouldn’t have been texting other women, but this response now is massively OTT and a sign that something needs to change. This level of jealousy is corrosive and controlling.

DaisyChain505 · 04/10/2025 08:37

You either need to go to couples therapy or split.
This hasn’t fixed itself naturally and that isn’t going to magically happen now.
You need professional help or to walk away.

LoftyRobin · 04/10/2025 08:37

When you say flirty, what exactly do you mean? I know my friend's husband considered flirting to be any sort of non-hostile contact with the other sex.

Either way, it isn't fair on you, him, or your children, to live like this. It's cruel to the kids to think that this is how a couple interacts.

Burningbud1981 · 04/10/2025 08:39

thepariscrimefiles · 04/10/2025 06:54

This is the Relationships board, not AIBU. Posters are expected to have a smidgeon of empathy and kindness.

He exchanged flirty messages with an old flame and he has lied about the sex of a work colleague. He hardly sounds faithful and trustworthy.

Show quote history

Yes he did wrong but it was 2 years ago
and Op made the choice to stay. She needs to forgive and forget and learn to trust. If she can’t the relationship is over. She can’t hold it over him for ever. Her actions aren’t healthy

User2025meow · 04/10/2025 08:47

I would also have looked up the admin assistant if my partner had gone from calling them a he to a she. It all depends on what the “dry spell” and rough patch was that caused him to look up an old flame in the first place. Couples counseling would be helpful to see if he has a problem he needs to work through (ie needing constant validation) or if OP needs help with insecurity (or both). There are two small children here so it could be worth trying to save the relationship.

tripleginandtonic · 04/10/2025 08:49

I think a bit of flirting is harmless. It doesnt automatically lrad on to a full blown affair.He's not not been unfaithful so its your trust issues you need to work on OP.

Minnie798 · 04/10/2025 08:57

'I’ve accused him left, right and centre, even getting insecure with him chatting to the female neighbour'.
This isn't a healthy place to be. Whilst it's understandable that the trust was broken and needs built back up, it sounds like that hasn't happened. Instead, you have remained on your guard . Not telling you that someone contacting him about a new job was a woman is extreme and the relationship sounds in real difficulty. Were you given lots of reassurance in the months following the messages to the old fling?
This isn't a problem for you to solve on your own, you need to work through it together. If you feel unable to do that, the relationship isn't going to work.

Sera1989 · 04/10/2025 09:00

I can understand why you’d struggle to trust him after he texted an old hook up. And now he has lied about a colleague, although it sounds like this is because he knows you will accuse him. Was he apologetic and remorseful in the beginning? Did he try to rebuild the trust or was he defensive?

Either couples counselling or if you are sure about breaking up then counselling for yourself before you start anything new or you will take the trust issues into the next relationship. I can understand feeling insecure but googling photos of colleagues was only ever going to fuel the anxiety loop

LoftyRobin · 04/10/2025 09:03

You need to understand that the constant accusations are abusive. The fact the lied about the sex of a work colleague indicates that he is a victim of abuse, not a liar. It's the same thing abused women do to not provoke their abuser into thinking they've been betrayed.

Lurkingandlearning · 04/10/2025 09:04

It seems to me the problem lies with his character. When things were difficult his response was to reconnect with a previous girlfriend. That’s not what someone does if they are committed to the relationship they are in, that’s just looking for an alternative. Not following through with that isn’t going to prevent the insecurity it will cause because you can’t truly know why they didn’t follow through. He can’t be trusted when there are problems. And he doubled down on that by telling a bare faced lie about his new colleague.

For your own sake you should work on healing the insecurity he gave you. You’ll probably never be as trusting again but sadly that is probably wise. But I don’t think any amount of work can instil integrity in someone who doesn’t have it. They just learn to hide their deceitfulnes

LoftyRobin · 04/10/2025 09:09

Lurkingandlearning · 04/10/2025 09:04

It seems to me the problem lies with his character. When things were difficult his response was to reconnect with a previous girlfriend. That’s not what someone does if they are committed to the relationship they are in, that’s just looking for an alternative. Not following through with that isn’t going to prevent the insecurity it will cause because you can’t truly know why they didn’t follow through. He can’t be trusted when there are problems. And he doubled down on that by telling a bare faced lie about his new colleague.

For your own sake you should work on healing the insecurity he gave you. You’ll probably never be as trusting again but sadly that is probably wise. But I don’t think any amount of work can instil integrity in someone who doesn’t have it. They just learn to hide their deceitfulnes

He probably lied because he has been ground down with silly accusations about any woman he talks to. That's a common symptoms of being abused in this way.

For instance, I've known abused women at work who won't tell their husbands that some of the doctors are men as they will believe the man just wants to touch up his woman. I've had friends who arent allowed to have much contact with their children's male teacher as the man thinks they are flirting. Women who can't speak to brothers or male cousins even.

They also lie about what contact they have with men.

EarthSight · 04/10/2025 10:33

What's up with the posters here today??

We came to conclusion he was texting her for validation and some sort of boost

We??

How much 'we' was in that I wonder? Or did he first say 'I have no idea why I did that'! and then you sort of gave him answer which you found palatable, and allowed him a free get out of jail card?

I think there's a good chance he was trying his luck with this old fling. He was bored with small kids at home, and was looking around at sexual opportunities elsewhere.

That outreach was a deep betrayal for you, and that's why you can't get over it. Deep down, I think you know he's not trustworthy, and that's why it's torturing you now.

Once a person does something that changes your understanding of who they are as a person, its very difficult to do that. It's like a drop of poison contaminating a pool. Ask yourself, when you first met him, if you knew he was going to text an old fling the way he did, would you still have agreed to enter into a relationship with him?

If the answer is 'no', then that tells you why you are now constantly on edge.

EarthSight · 04/10/2025 10:34

Lurkingandlearning · 04/10/2025 09:04

It seems to me the problem lies with his character. When things were difficult his response was to reconnect with a previous girlfriend. That’s not what someone does if they are committed to the relationship they are in, that’s just looking for an alternative. Not following through with that isn’t going to prevent the insecurity it will cause because you can’t truly know why they didn’t follow through. He can’t be trusted when there are problems. And he doubled down on that by telling a bare faced lie about his new colleague.

For your own sake you should work on healing the insecurity he gave you. You’ll probably never be as trusting again but sadly that is probably wise. But I don’t think any amount of work can instil integrity in someone who doesn’t have it. They just learn to hide their deceitfulnes

This.

Soonenough · 04/10/2025 10:41

No you can never trust him again . There will be more lies as he won't "want to upset you " so it will be your fault. Hard to love someone you don't trust and hard to treat someone you love like he has. When someone shows you who they really are , believe them.

waterrat · 04/10/2025 10:41

there is just no way that a good honest reliable man would lie about the assistant being male - come on ...