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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

To think I’ll never be able to trust my OH again after texting

38 replies

Effortles · 03/10/2025 23:59

Hi MN,
My head is a mess, I don’t know if how I’m feeling is valid or I’m deeply insecure. Me and my OH have been together for 5 years, two kids under 4. Around two years ago, during a “dry spell” and a rough patch, I found out my OH had texted an old fling from years ago, a lady he met before I met him. Nothing came of it but the texting still hurt because it was flirty. We came to conclusion he was texting her for validation and some sort of boost. Since that occasion, I have tried to trust him but my feelings and insecurities have manifested, I’m an absolute mess to the point I’ve considered leaving. I’ve accused him left, right and centre, even getting insecure with him chatting to the female neighbour.

He recently got a new job and at the interview he met an admin assistant who signed him in and has been contacting him about the job through phone calls and email. He told me this was a male assistant but tonight we were discussing his new job and he slipped up by saying “she” and told me the admin assistant was actually a woman. He didn’t want to tell me because he felt I’d accuse him of cheating. I asked for her name and he very reluctantly told me. I searched her up and she’s a very attractive woman and that’s just fueled my insecurity. I’m now sat thinking, why did he get so shady when I asked for her name, has he been texting her? I could go through his phone, he’s not secretive, it’s on the bedside table. But I can’t live like this, it’s killing me. Please help?

OP posts:

waterrat · 04/10/2025 10:42

he's basically blaming you for the fact he wants to hide the reality of it being an attractive woman so he has more freedom to flirt

Loubelou71 · 04/10/2025 10:50

I wonder if you continue whether you'll have this and other instances following you for the rest of your life. You have to either learn to trust him which will involve knowing your own worth and not allowing yourself to be second best or by moving on. Lay your cards out ...if he continues to give you reasons not to trust him it'll be over. Let him know you won't tolerate this. You hold the cards.

skyeisthelimit · 04/10/2025 10:57

I do think that if you can't trust him then the relationship has to be over. You made the choice to put it behind you and stay, but if you can't put it behind you then it is over. I am not saying that you have to forgive and put it behind you, but if you do, then you genuinely need to forgive, move on and stop accusing him of everything.

You need more counselling to unravel all of this and work out if you honestly can move on or not. Potentially he is lying to make his life easier so you don't accuse him. XH used to hide stuff and say it was because he knew it would upset me, but I always told him that it upset me more to be lied to and made a fool of.

Personally I don't think I could move on from it as I would always be worried that he was still messaging etc.

Either way, it is not a healthy relationship for either of you.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 04/10/2025 11:48

waterrat · 04/10/2025 10:41

there is just no way that a good honest reliable man would lie about the assistant being male - come on ...

I disagree. I have a female friend who had horrendous insecurity and trust issues in her early 20s and she put her husband through hell with it, though she freely admitted that he'd never given her a single reason for it.

There would be scenarios like: he'd be out shopping and he'd bump into a single friend, female, who they both knew. They'd say hello, how are you, will we see you at X's this weekend - just your normal chat. He'd then have to weigh up whether or not to tell his wife about the conversation, bearing in mind two possible outcomes:
1 - he says "Oh I bumped into Doris in Sainsburys today". Wife says "Did you. Did you indeed. What exactly did she say?" He then gets a half hour grilling, accused of staring at Doris's boobs/bum, ends in a giant argument with wife either sobbing hysterically or punishing him with silent treatment.
2 - he doesn't mention it - but then has the anxiety of maybe the next time they socialise with Doris, Doris will mention they met. Then there will be accusations that he didn't mention it because CLEARLY he is shagging Doris and probably fucked her over the freezer cabinet in Sainbos.

I was shocked when my friend confessed how she'd been treating him. Thankfully she did get therapy and changed her behaviour and they are still together now after 25 years, but frankly I wouldn't have blamed him one bit for walking away.

OP I don't think that's the level you're at, but if your husband feels driven to conceal or lie about everyday interactions with women, you're on a very dangerous path. Yes there's a history of flirty texting with one person, but you decided to let that go. You've got to do more than lip service to that - you've got to do the work to actually let it go. Or it's going to destroy your relationship and more importantly your own emotional health.

zaxxon · 04/10/2025 12:20

Soonenough · 04/10/2025 10:41

No you can never trust him again . There will be more lies as he won't "want to upset you " so it will be your fault. Hard to love someone you don't trust and hard to treat someone you love like he has. When someone shows you who they really are , believe them.

I don't think this truism about "showing you who they really are" is as insightful as it's often assumed to be. Or that it should be a good basis for dumping someone.

This man has been faithful and truthful for five years, apparently - and then he sends a dodgy text. Which is the "real him", the five years of integrity or the one moment of weakness?

Or is it more probable that, like most of us, he's basically OK but screws up once in a while?

notatinydancer · 04/10/2025 14:41

looking up someone he works with is a crazy level of control.

notatinydancer · 04/10/2025 14:42

waterrat · 04/10/2025 10:41

there is just no way that a good honest reliable man would lie about the assistant being male - come on ...

Yes he would if he knew his partner would go off on one about it.
She looked the woman up ! That is not normal.

Frankblackwife · 04/10/2025 14:43

You don't trust him, because he's not trustworthy.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 04/10/2025 15:16

You don't trust him, so why do you want to be in a relationship with him.

It doesn't matter whether you should trust him or not, or whether he deserves your trust.

You don't trust him, so end it

londongirl12 · 04/10/2025 16:18

If you’re accusing him constantly, I’m not surprised he hid the fact that the job person is a woman. He could be completely innocent. Yes he caused this by texting in the first place, but neither of you can live this like. You need some couples therapy.

justnottinghill · 04/10/2025 16:24

I’d also lie and say they were a man if I were him. I don’t think it’s to hurt you or to be shady, but to prevent any issues.

I strongly suggest therapy. It’ll either help you leave or help rebuild trust. Your self esteem is so low.

ForZanyAquaViewer · 04/10/2025 16:51

At this point, it’s not about who was originally at fault but whether you can actually work through it. If, after two years, you still feel this way, that suggests you probably can’t. In that case it’s kinder to end things than to drag them on and make everyone miserable.

If you’re both open to it, couples counselling might help. With two young children, splitting up is obviously far easier said than done, so professional support could be worthwhile before making any final decisions.

user0345437398 · 04/10/2025 18:03

You say you can’t live like this. But you are and will continue to if you stay with him.

That’s the harsh reality you don’t want to face.

You want someone to come up with some magical solution that will stop your husband from being someone who treats you as just one of many, but there isn't one.

It's not a reflection on you. I think this is what keeps us in things like this. The feeling of ‘he hasn't chosen me so that means I'm not worthy of being chosen’

But he's just some bloke who sleazes on random women. So being chosen by him is not an accolade, in fact it would be an insult because it would mean he has chosen you as his main, the one who he can count on to put up with his philandering. A confirmed hole he can use as a backup when his pursuits don’t come through.

He's a scumbag. Get away from him.

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