I don’t cope well when he raises his voice at me

[Eek52]

My father was incredibly strict growing up (very shouty and occasionally physically violent) and I was scared of him but I never realised until around 6 months ago when something happened that it clearly still bothers me.

I was doing something on my phone that I was concentrating on and my child said mummy. I was totally oblivious and my husband snapped his fingers and screamed my name because I hadn’t answered. It gave me such a fright and took me back to when I was younger, I was shaking and felt sick. I took myself away and spoke to him about an hour later, explained that I really didn’t like how he shouted and the snapping of the fingers really scared me, he never apologised but we moved on.

Last night he was in a bad mood and our youngest was playing up, I tried to talk to him and he pointed in my face and shouted again. Again, the pointed finger is another triggering thing for me. I haven’t spoken to him since and he clearly isn’t sorry as he’s acting his normal self.

He’s not usually like this. I just thought that after telling him 6 months ago about feeling scared he might have felt bad and apologised last night. We’ve been together 15 years, I’m mid 30s.

Very aware things could be much worse in the relationship! But still bothers me.

No man should be shouting or snapping his fingers or pointing in your face. It's aggressive. Do you want to stay married to this man?

Are these the only occasions in 15 years where he's shouted at you or pointed his finger at you?

I am the same, my parents argued constantly when a young child right through to their divorce when I was 37. If my partner shouts at me or our child I just can’t cope and start panicking. I have sat him down and explained my child hood to him and how it affects me when he starts shouting or gets angry. He kind of understands took me a good few sitting downs for it to get through to him that I just can’t cope with it. Don’t get me wrong I understand that it is normal to occasionally shout in frustration and for people to be angry but it’s a me problem, stemmed from childhood trauma. It just triggers my brain into shut down and I can’t think rationally. Not sure how to get over it tbh.

Has he never done this before?

He sounds horrible op. What’s he like with the dc?

Btw my partner is a really calm and rational person in nature and rarely raises his voice, mainly just in frustration if he shouts and it just triggers me.

He’s learned how much it has frightened and upset you. So he’s done it again.

It sounds like you went into marry a man just like your own father was and likely still
is. He hasn’t changed and neither has your husband. This will happen again.

What do you think your children are learning about relationships here?. Think carefully also about what your kids are seeing at home as they’re seeing not too dissimilar to what you saw from your dad as a child. I would also think about seeking legal advice re divorce.

One of the discoveries I made in therapy after having left a long toxic marriage is that we subconsciously seek out what is familiar to us (even if what is familiar is uncomfortable, frightening etc). I ended up with an unstable man because of familial figures like that in childhood.

I don't think we have enough context or information here to encourage you to take a decision one way or the other but what you have said is concerning - his aggressive behavior, lack of contrition, and your vulnerability to angry men. Please get some therapeutic help to understand and address this.

Your use of the word 'screamed' is really upsetting OP. I would not have liked that either. He could have just said your name in a way to catch your attention, or tapped you on the shoulder, but screamed is harsh and really unpleasant.

There are two issues going on here. The way your father was and the way your partner is.

If it were me, I would try to talk to someone, perhaps get some talking therapy, about your father. My DH had residual pain and trauma brought about by his upbringing and therapy really helped him understand it, find calm, strength, ways of dealing with it and to move on from it. It was a turning point for the better in his life. If you don't deal with these things they often come back to bite you on the bum. Like one day a bubble bursts inside of you. If you can burst that bubble yourself it is worth doing.

The second issue is your partner. He's upset you twice now, you've explained and he's not apologised. Away from the heat of the moment explain exactly where you're coming from and how his actions upset you. Tell him you can't tolerate it again. If he is any kind of man worth your time he will be very upset about how he reminds you of your father and will be utterly supportive. If he doesn't do this - then you have to question if he is the right man to be beside you in life really. You deserve better than his treatment of you - you need to really know and believe that.

Stand your ground girl, stand your ground! I can relate , my dad was and still is a massive shouter/screamer, as well as a filthy shouter/screamer. I get triggered if someone shouts at me too. We teach ppl what we will and wont tolerate.Stand your ground!!!

My husband did this, I have finally left him, this being one of the main reasons. I am so very happy now. Whenever he shouted and I asked him to stop, it was always me that was the problem, not him. He said I must have led a very sheltered life, no, I just don't like getting shouted at. He never once apologised. If he had came back later, said sorry he was having a stressful day etc, I might have understood, but he genuinely couldn't see why I was upset! Maybe different upbringings, his family are all quite volatile, whereas I had a pretty calm home growing up. I used to hide in the toilet and cry when he shouted at me. It wasn't just the shouting, but just the total disregard for my feelings as I had asked him not to do it. It clicked, he didn't care about me at all. What was the point in staying. After that I just got numb to it. I just smiled and walked away when he shouted, here we go again, water off I ducks back. But I knew by then it was over, and was planning the steps to leave.

I had a similar experience. My ex-husband's rage was always my problem (over sensitivity) not his to own and take responsibility for. I brought it up in marriage counseling and he said his anger was just a 'normal' amount. His mum and brother used to rage too, with his dad eternally cowed down. If your partner is flinching and recoiling from it, it can't be a 'normal' amount of anger, whatever that is. I am now with a lovely man who hasn't raised his voice to me in four years of being together. We haven't even had a serious disagreement. There are nice men out there! Who knew?!

Your dc is witnessing this.

Ltb and don't look back.

I have this too OP. I overcorrected with a long relationship where we didnt argue at all (and in our case didnt talk about anything that would cause conflict, which ultimately led to our demise) and im now with someone more normal - still by most people's standards very gentle, but the occasional annoyed tone or getting het up about something, and i struggle with even that, but we talked about it a lot early in our relationship so it doesn't affect me as much, and we have great communication now - he's very understanding. Mainly because I have a real issue showing annoyance/anger myself, even when its not directed at my partner, and thats not healthy, and he actively encourages me to not feel afraid to show annoyance.
What's concerning to me is the use of the word 'scream' in your OP - did he actually, full on scream at you? High pitched, back of the throat scream? Rather than loudly shout your name? I ask because I've not had a problem with this personally, but I have noticed that other people's definition of 'shouting' differs wildly to mine, so just want to clarify. There is NO excuse for screaming!

Exactly. My suspicion, considering their ages and the fact that they got together so young, is that he wants out but doesn’t want to be the bad guy. He thinks the shouting is a dealbreaker based on what she’s said, and will likely do it more and more now that he’s started.

Thanks all.

He messaged me around an hour ago apologising for being ‘awkward’ and that he’s going through a lot (we all are) and I replied to say that I understand that and then continued to tell him that he upset me last night with the way he spoke to me and I reminded him about the conversation we had 6 months ago but no reply yet..will see if he acknowledges it or not.

You've married someone just like your father @Eek52. You will repeat the cycle of abuse and your child will grow up in fear too. Do something about it if you don't want this for them or you.

Please leave your husband or tell him to move out. You and your children deserve so much more. You might think this isn’t affecting your children but it is. They pick up and hear sooo much more than you realise! Remember what it was like being a child around an abusive father??? THIS is what you are putting your children through staying with your husband!!

please contact women’s aid for advice and counselling and go and do the freedom programme

Regardless of your upbringing, this behaviour of your h is foul. Abusive. Bullying.

what a shit he is. And your dcs will learn that is way to behave.

And it only ever gets worse. Never ever does it get better.

I guarantee his next message will be about something totally unrelated to the row.
He is training you to put up and shut up..
Get rid.
Tonight.

OK I'm not down for shouting either. Similarly I grew up in a really effed up environment so any kind of hostility makes me freeze. However the idea that your husband of 15 years that has shouted twice in the past year is 'just like your father' is really bizarre to me. In one scenario you have a pathologically angry person that shouts a lot. In another there's someone that's spent 15 years not shouting and has now shouted twice. The second scenario to me is possibly situational and probably something that can be sorted.

That's awful, I understand the trigger from your childhood makes it so much worse, but as others have said, this is unacceptable even without that! An ex of mine screamed in my face once and I packed up and left 2 weeks later. It may have been a one off, but I wasn't going to risk it happening again, and again, and becoming the norm, and then becoming worse.

I didn't have kids with him, so it was 'easy' in that respect, but you need to think about what this is teaching your kids in terms of how it's acceptable to treat/be treated in a relationship.

Hit the nail on the head.

You've told him how this upsets you so he does it again. That would be it for me.

There is no need for him to scream at you so he's doing it because he gets off on it.