Excluded from family funerals

[AmInotreallyfamily]

Just looking for some perspective as I dont want to bring it up with my fiance and make it into a me issue as I know that it isnt. Please dont roast me here as Im asking here so I dont make it all about me with my fiancé.

Been with my fiancé for 5 years, engaged for two years. In this time hes attended 3 funerals. Two were uncles and one was an old school friend of my fiance who was also part of his and his ex wifes circle of friends when they were married. I'd never met any of them.

Each time I have offered to accompany him to the funerals to give my support and comfort. Hes refused every time, never giving a reason, just changes the subject. So I've respected that and not pushed it. I get that people grieve in different ways.
He did say after his first uncles funeral that maybe he should have taken me as I'm now his future life partner and part of his family. I get on with all his family. Yet the next two was the same response when I offered.

I've always been of the view that long term partners go to supoort the grieving person, even if they didn't know the deceased. I'd get it if I was just a recent girlfriend who didnt know any of the family but thats not the case.

Here comes the kicker. Each funeral his ex wife has attended. Not with him, but always messages him on timings etc beforehand.

Its not that he doesnt want me to meet the ex wife, we've met plenty of times on child handovers and at the odd family meal his relatives have arranged so no weird animosity there.

It just feels like by these actions he does not consider me family enough to attend with him as support, but that its him and his ex wife that are the 'family' there. He wont discuss this and just says that viewpoint is not the case.

As I said, I've let it go with him as dont want to keep on and make it about me when its not and when its about his grief. I dont want to be heartless. So really just looking for some perspective here on whether its normal for someone whos been told they're now a part of the family to be excluded from supporting their partner and not given any good reason for it, yet the ex wife always attends, or if its normal for a future spouse to accompany their partner to funerals as support and this current scenario is just a bit weird.

I just feel he doesnt consider me part enough of his family life to be there for him, yet is happy for his ex wife to be there and reminiscing with him.
Id get it if it was just one funeral, but this is now the third one, 5 years into our relationship and he still never wants me attending.

Re the ex wife, they have a cordial co parenting relationship but he tries not to interact with her outside of that as theres been issues with her not respecting boundaries with mine and my fiances relationship.

Please dont tell me to talk to him about it. Thats why I'm here as he won't discuss reasons and I dont want to keep pushing the point more than the initial ask as its not about me and I dont want to be insensitive.

No LTB please as this isn't that type of scenario.

So he’s prioritising his ex wife over you?

I def think the exwife should be allowed to go to the funerals, as I'm sure she knew the people when she was married to your partner and had a relationship with them.
However, you should be invited to attend with him, you've been with him 5 years and have def earned your place! If its not a case there is animosity between you and his exwife, you will have to ask him for a reason.
I would be annoyed with this, but at him and not his ex. I think you should keep her separate as its not her fault you haven't been asked.

Is he ex-wife actually accompanying him or is she invited and going in her own right, quite possibly to support her children?

I dont hold the ex at fault at all, just find it odd that she goes when its his family yet when I offered to go with him he says no. It hurts but I understand my hurt is irrelevant and thats why it's so difficult to raise this with him and so confusing.

Going in her own right but their joint children have never gone to any of the funerals

Going in her own right but their joint children have never gone to any of the funerals

Honestly I don’t see any issue with this really.

His ex wife is actually her own person who had her own relationships with these people, you did not, so it isn’t a mystery that she would go to pay her respects.

He is allowed to decide what support he wants/needs when attending funerals and I do think it could feel quite strange taking someone who never even knew the deceased. I’d rather attend a funeral & be supported by/support other people that knew & loved that person rather than someone who is only there as my “plus one”- personally I don’t think funerals are really a spectator sport. You presumably still provide support the rest of the time but funerals are for friends, family, loved ones of the deceased, of which you are not.

About 2.5 years into our relationship, my then boyfriend (now DH) mother died, not only did I go to the funeral (invited and no question that I wouldn’t go) but I was in the main funeral car, which I wasn’t expecting tbh. Because of some health issues I hadn’t actually met her that often but we did get on well.

I think it’s extremely odd that he doesn’t invite you, not that I ever want to go to another funeral but I’d want to be asked in your position.

Was his ex wife very close with his family? Do they still talk about her or ask how she is?

What about any other family events, eg birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas get togethers? Do you go with him to those?

I think if this was me I'd feel a little odd even going with him as you have never met any of the people who died.

It's an odd dynamic in a way, by taking you he may feel like he has to stay by your side, and reminiscing/grieving with old friends and family you've never met may be more awkward if you are there, as they may not be as comfortable around people they don't know. So it may end up that he is having to support you through it in a way, rather than be supported by people who knew the deceased.

I think the fact his ex wife is going is what is causing you to feel left out, but you shouldn't take that personally, he isn't inviting her to go with him and she obviously knew the deceased in all those cases.

If you knew these people in your own right I would think it odd that you would not be asked to go with him, but as it is I think it's perfectly normal for him to want to go alone.

you absolutely should be there. It’s a big red flag for me.

This wouldn't especially bother me as if I hadn't met any of the deceased. Both my DH and I have been to funerals without each other (including those of our parents) without each other and we didn't really feel the need for support to get through the day. I know on Mumsnet there is a view of going to show support but that isn't really a thing for us personally or culturally.

However moving forward, I definitely would be expecting to go to funerals of people I had met in his family/friendship circle and that the invites to his ex would slowly fade away as she becomes less close to his family with the passing of time.

My ex’s second wife really didn’t like me going to his brothers funeral. I’d known his brother since we were both teenagers, and all of his friends and family. She threw a strop, which wasn’t helpful. They’re divorced now and I’m still in touch with ex’s remaining family due to our shared DC’s.
I get that you might feel left out, but surely funerals are for the people who knew the deceased and you didn’t. The ex wife did.
It’s likely that simple and you could be overthinking.

Get rid

YABU. It’s easier for him to be free to move among his family and old family friends, supporting each other and reminiscing,. without needing to look after you.

Funeral is a bad time to be meeting people.

Maybe next time don't offer and just calmly but firmly say you are going with him. Sometimes asking gives people permission to say no. You are more than long enough together to attend especially considering the cordial relationship with ex wife.
I had similar and surprisingly he was fine when I just said I'm going with him. I stood with him throughout and when the time was right spoke to his family/ close friends so he could mingle with some I may not know.

I think the fact that you hadn't met any of the three people deceased is relevant. You can't be part of remembering them or supporting him in that way.

It would be different if he was saying he didn't want you to attend the funeral of a member of his family whom you knew.

This wouldn’t bother me if I hadn’t met the deceased person. The fewer funerals I go to the better frankly, I don’t see why I’d go to one for someone I hadn’t met if my partner is happy to go on his own, which clearly he is. However, you are clearly feeling pushed out because of it, but you won’t speak to him about it, yet he’s the only one who explain/help. The fact he won’t talk about it would be the red flag for me, rather than the lack of invite. I would try and talk to him at an opportune, unrelated time when you can have an open discussion. If you can’t do that, or he won’t engage, then you have to decide how important this issue is to your relationship - is it a dealbreaker.

I think it's reasonable actually - you didn't know any of the deceased - it's not like a wedding where you take a plus 1. He didn't need you there to support him as he was with his family and close friends who actually knew the deceased. His ex wife was there because she presumably knew them as well. He wasn't going with her as a couple. I think you should let it go, funerals can be tricky and close family might not want people there who are not actually grieving.

You didn't know any of his deceased relatives. His ex did. His approach sounds perfectly reasonable to me.

Why would you want to go when you've never met the person who's died?

Has there been no other large family gathering in 5 years - wedding, christening, major birthday - where his family would have got together and you'd have met these people who have since died? I find it more odd you haven't met family such as uncles in such a long time together.

Also, why is his ex being invited to family meals if they're divorced? Yes, she's the mother of his kids but at some point she has to move on and give your fiancé a chance to integrate his new partner with his family.

I don't think it's too alarming that you weren't invited if you've never met the people. Sounds as though you haven't met lots of his wider family and maybe he didn't want a funeral to be the place he's introducing you for the first time. I find it more odd that the ex wife keeps being invited to things, especially if the children weren't there to need minding.

As an Irish person, this is all just bizarre. Everyone just goes to funerals so there is little of this tip toeing around/etiquette and certainly nothing about being invited or asked to attend. Not only would someone in the OP's position be at her partners relatives and friends funerals, it would be considered very poor form if she wasn't. My sisters then partner (now husband) ended up carrying the coffin at my aunts funeral and I'm not sure he'd ever met her.

Re the family meals, etc, the ex wife still likes to try and integrate herself into every aspect even if a normal person would read the room and realise its not appropriate, and still considers herself very much in the centre of the family despite having her own partner etc and massively takes advantage of my MIL's good nature (tbh, it's more like massively taking the p*). Not me being bitter, fiance has got frustrated with this too. Hence my comment in my original post about my fiance not trying to interact outside coparenting due to a lack of respect for normal boundaries post divorce by her.

dont think this is anything to do with the funerals tbh (I would be ok about that though as she knows the deceased and you dont). As long as your fella is over the ex just ignore her

We can speculate but what’s the point of that, only he can tell you. What’s even more worrying is you feel you can’t talks to him about this, he’s your fiancé for goodness sake! Why would you want to marry a man you can’t be honest with or you feel doesn’t see you as integral to his life? His ex wife must be being invited by someone.

You need to talk to him, obviously not in the moment but the conversation needs to be had and you need to tell him that a brush off doesn’t work for you. Him not inviting you doesn’t have to be for nefarious reasons, he might not need external support but there is a reason.