Just looking for some perspective as I dont want to bring it up with my fiance and make it into a me issue as I know that it isnt. Please dont roast me here as Im asking here so I dont make it all about me with my fiancé.
Been with my fiancé for 5 years, engaged for two years. In this time hes attended 3 funerals. Two were uncles and one was an old school friend of my fiance who was also part of his and his ex wifes circle of friends when they were married. I'd never met any of them.
Each time I have offered to accompany him to the funerals to give my support and comfort. Hes refused every time, never giving a reason, just changes the subject. So I've respected that and not pushed it. I get that people grieve in different ways.
He did say after his first uncles funeral that maybe he should have taken me as I'm now his future life partner and part of his family. I get on with all his family. Yet the next two was the same response when I offered.
I've always been of the view that long term partners go to supoort the grieving person, even if they didn't know the deceased. I'd get it if I was just a recent girlfriend who didnt know any of the family but thats not the case.
Here comes the kicker. Each funeral his ex wife has attended. Not with him, but always messages him on timings etc beforehand.
Its not that he doesnt want me to meet the ex wife, we've met plenty of times on child handovers and at the odd family meal his relatives have arranged so no weird animosity there.
It just feels like by these actions he does not consider me family enough to attend with him as support, but that its him and his ex wife that are the 'family' there. He wont discuss this and just says that viewpoint is not the case.
As I said, I've let it go with him as dont want to keep on and make it about me when its not and when its about his grief. I dont want to be heartless. So really just looking for some perspective here on whether its normal for someone whos been told they're now a part of the family to be excluded from supporting their partner and not given any good reason for it, yet the ex wife always attends, or if its normal for a future spouse to accompany their partner to funerals as support and this current scenario is just a bit weird.
I just feel he doesnt consider me part enough of his family life to be there for him, yet is happy for his ex wife to be there and reminiscing with him.
Id get it if it was just one funeral, but this is now the third one, 5 years into our relationship and he still never wants me attending.
Re the ex wife, they have a cordial co parenting relationship but he tries not to interact with her outside of that as theres been issues with her not respecting boundaries with mine and my fiances relationship.
Please dont tell me to talk to him about it. Thats why I'm here as he won't discuss reasons and I dont want to keep pushing the point more than the initial ask as its not about me and I dont want to be insensitive.
No LTB please as this isn't that type of scenario.