Hi everyone,
I feel a bit silly even writing this, but it’s been on my mind lately and I’d really appreciate some kind and thoughtful perspectives.
I’ve been with my partner for 3 years. We don’t live together full-time because of his job — he’s away during the week and we see each other from Friday morning until Monday morning.
It works well in lots of ways: our children get along beautifully, our teenage daughters are like best friends, our families have met, and we all get on really well. I have a lovely relationship with his family and friends, and he’s very much part of mine too.
He’s 56 and I’ve just turned 50. We’ve both had previous long-term relationships. I was separated for 6 years and finally divorced about 6 months ago - the process dragged on due to my child’s health issues.
While I was going through all that, my partner often said things like, “Hurry up and get divorced because I want to ask you something,” and mentioned wanting to ask my brother for my hand in marriage. He told me his daughters have told him to propose and wanted to talk through how he'd do it but he said he told them he had his own how he’ll propose, and when we visit Scotland (where we plan to move one day), there are often family jokes about “buying a hat” or marriage in general — which I just laugh off, but if I’m honest, they make me feel a bit awkward now.
He often tells I’m his soulmate and the love of his life, and that he wants a life together. A few times when we’ve been out at the pub, he’s said he wants to marry me — but when I’ve replied, “Are you seriously proposing to me in the pub?” he’s laughed and said, “No, I’ve got a plan.”
There’s definitely talk of the future — he says that once I move into my new place (my current home is on the market), it’ll feel more “solid” for him. He’s said he’ll have a key and space in the wardrobe, and that it will feel more like we live together and he’s just away four days a week, rather than him just visiting at weekends. He’s also said he’ll contribute towards the bills and mortgage then. So it’s not as though there’s no commitment — but everything still feels very future-focused. It’s always “when you move,” or “when we get to Scotland,” or “once things settle.
I wasn’t particularly bothered about a proposal before, but I’m starting to feel this disconnect between what he says and what actually happens. I thought it might happen around my 50th birthday, but it didn’t. And lately, I’ve started to feel a bit low about it all.
I’ve made a lot of sacrifices — the weekend-only set-up, managing my home, work, and son (plus all the bills and responsibilities) during the week, while he’s away working rent-free — and I can’t help wondering if he’s just comfortable with things as they are.
More than anything, I’m beginning to feel like he doesn’t fully appreciate what he has in me, and it’s starting to chip away at my sense of self. It makes me question whether he’s truly sure about us, or whether I’m quietly waiting for something that’s never going to happen.
I don’t want to ask him to propose — I’d want it to come from him, if it’s something he genuinely wants. But I’m feeling uncertain now, and it’s beginning to affect how I feel about myself.
What would you do in my shoes? Would you bring it up or leave it be?