OLD, how many is too many?

[52isjustanumber]

I divorced in 2021 after 30 years. I plucked up courage to try OLD.
I had two short relationships, 4 and 3 months in 2022/3, then a year long in 2024, waited 8mths and have had a 2 month relationship this summer. He dumped me.
Have been seeing another man for 6 weeks, we have slept together but when he found out how many men I had seen since my divorce he dumped me last night. He was pressing me for a number.
He says that I have low self respect.
He is divorcing after 33 years. Had a two year affair 12 years ago. Has had two short term relationships since splitting up 20 months ago.
He was pretty nasty in what he said and as we had unprotected sex....yes I know!! that I have put him at risk. I have booked a STI check. He said he was not a risk as he knows his sexual history.
He also said earlier that he leaves quickly when he is not happy with something...red flag I guess.
Am feeling pretty stupid over the sex, and also pretty stupid at my age. Also very bruised and tearful.
Have learnt my lesson re the sex so please no lectures re condoms etc

For a misogynistic arsehole like him, I suspect the answer to "how many is too many?" is "no such thing, I can sleep with as many as I like" for him, and "ideally there should have never been anyone but me" for you.

In reality of course, the answer is "as many as you like and have fully mutually consensual (& hopefully enjoyable) sex with".

Any man who asks for your "number" is showing a misogynist red flag - it's none of his business who you were with before him. And if he doesn't accept a polite deflection of the question, even more so.

He was willing to have unprotected sex, so he clearly wasn't more concerned about his sexual health than he was about the pleasure of not wearing a condom.

I'm sorry you're feeling upset, but he's really someone you should be glad to be rid of.

Zero judgment, but for your own safety and peace, please be firm in insisting future partners must use condoms in future - and before you agree to not use them, both of you should have a full, clear, set of STI checks, to which you show each other the text message results to prove you've both done them (anyone could say anything without proof, and people of course do lie). And having clear STI screens is both good for your health and also eliminates any residual excuses for asking about previous partners.

Thank you for replying.
I am beating myself up about not having the test conversation before we slept together. He was clear in that he takes sexual health seriously but then assumed that as he knew his sexual history that he was clear. Then made assumptions about me putting him at risk when in reality he could also be putting me at risk.
We got on really well otherwise but there were a few concerns re only one real friend and being pretty brutal about his soon to be ex wife

I think he did you a favour with that sexist attitude so it’s ok for him to tell you about an affair he had, that alone was worth dumping him for! I expect he thinks it’s ok for him to date numerous women and sleep with them without protection.

you really haven’t had that many in 4 years and it often takes a few short relationships until you find a long term, I think after you being with someone for 30 years means you are capable of being committed just not found the right one yet, also it’s very slim pickings with the quality of single men especially with their outdated opinions.

Thank you for your reply.
I am feeling pretty battered by his nasty responses when I was being very honest and vulnerable with him.
Have thrown the flowers from him in the bin, even though they are not dead!!

There’s nothing you should have done or said differently, the right one will respect your honesty and accept it’s in the past, dating more than one man isn’t shameful.

He sounds bloody awful on every level. You're well rid of him.

Just to add more , I ended up with a UTI this week, after our session on Sunday. He did the deed three times and was pretty vigorous. Sorry TMI
I told him and he seemed concerned, I put him off from coming over last night so we spoke on the phone. We talked about Sunday and he asked about how many penis I had seen, that's when the number of partners got discussed.
God, it sounds worse and worse

Ah OP, he sounds awful. Assuming he isn’t 18 given he’s getting a divorce, he sounds an absolute insecure clown. Best rid of him.

My advice for future relationships. Never ever be 'honest and vulnerable' it only bites you on the bum. Horrible men will use it against you, early dating should be fun, you don't need to go through your trauma (I'm not saying you did here I'm generalising). I met my husband at 50 and I've not told him anything about my insignificant relationships and he hasn't asked.
You did nothing wrong by having those relationships. He's just a misogynistic prick.

He seemed so nice, but then just turned on me saying I was dishonest, as I didn't say how many partners I had had originally and that I was bread crumbing him with info and that I was just after chalking up the numbers. Also that I had deceived him.
He was also concerned that I am still in touch with the guy who I saw for a year. We are good friends, just didn't work as a couple. He said that a man could not have that relationship without wanting more. I am not willing to give up the friendship.

@Ilovegoldies has given sound advice, particularly about new relationships. Unfortunately, being too honest and vulnerable early on makes you a target for those who would exploit those vulnerabilities, and you’ve freely given them the instruction manual on how to mess with your head and heart.
Think of OLD as you do anything else on the internet. You wouldn’t give out your bank details to a random stranger, so don’t give too much personal information that can be used against you either.

ETA: and, yes, they always “seem nice”. They wouldn’t get very far if they didn’t, but the mask always slips.

There are red flags all over this. Run far and fast.
He’s put himself at risk by having unprotected sex with you, this is not just your responsibility. But the fact he’s blaming you and asking for your body count shows his true colours.
Chalk it down to experience and find someone better.

Don't let this idiot get in your head, he sounds like a prick.The lesson to take from it is dont be vulnerable early on and never discuss numbers, it shouldn't even be asked, its no one's business!
Remind yourself what makes you great, dont let your standards drop and date as many people as you like until you find someone worth spending time with.
Good luck on your journey, try not to take it all too seriously and enjoy the positives of being single whilst you can too x

Thank you for all your replies and advice.
I think when you are in the middle of this it is hard to see the flags. I think also the attention and compliments sways you.
Am fed up of being treated like shit by men when it doesn't go their way.

So true. I wish I’d known this before I met my last ex. Prior to him my previous relationship was about 7 years ago and I’ve only ever had 3 real relationships and I’m 52 now.

I thought my last ex was the one as I’d had a crush on him for a while and from afar he seemed very much a gentleman and was just very attentive and caring. But a few months into dating he would say peculiar things like if we went to a place together and I reminisced when I was last there he’d go on and on about wanting to know about who with and if on the rare occasion it was an ex then he’d say ‘oh so does that make me number 8?’ I was so dumb and naive that though his frequent haranguing of me was irritating, I thought maybe it was a compliment that I’m so attractive surely I must have had loads BFs already?! 🤦🏻‍♀️ Now I realise it was an indirect way of asking me what my ‘body count’ was.

I also told him that my first ever home was partially financed by my dad as I bought it off him at a discount which in turn helped me independently finance my current detached home in a fairly desirable area (he lives in a council area though has a mortgaged property there). So I thought I was being honest and thankful when we were talking about finances that I was lucky I had that help to fund the property I now have. At the time he said nothing. But then later threw that at my face in a derogatory way. I realised that anything I said that was personal and I trusted him with he’d never respond in time but someone retained it all just to use against me!

I know better now, and if I ever met anyone again (won’t be OLD though which I turned my back on in my late 20s!), I expect to be treated as I do them and anyone asking disrespectful Qs or probing into something of no relevance, I will happily bin immediately. And if it keeps happening, I’ll just resign myself to a fur baby or two! 😅

He sounds awful. Chalk this one up to experience and be grateful you got out early. Don’t let him make you feel bad about any of it.

This man sounds like a walking red flag. You are well rid. Any adult who is not in a long term relationship but attractive to potential partners and enjoys sex is going to add to their total on a fairly regular basis. The number is meaningless.

The number is nothing to be ashamed of but I wouldn't share it with any future partners on principle. It's none of their business, and if they're putting pressure on you to tell them it's because they're an insecure weirdo.

That guy sounds like a complete misogynist wrongun. Please don’t let this impact your self esteem. Try to take it in your stride and move on to something better.

Sounds like a lucky escape !

If he continues to be a dick just tell him that none of your relationships were shagging around whilst in a committed relationship to someone else. Who does he think he is!

I messaged him what the Sexual health nurse said that knowing your sexual history does not mean that you are clear, only testing can say that.
Also a low number of partners does not mean that you are protected, it only takes one. So his calling me out on the number of partners was bullshit.
He accepted the info and said that he would get tested as the nurse advised.
He then said that he wanted to leave it there and move on.
No apology for being so shit to me when we were both responsible for taking a risk.

He also said that his stbx wife was upset that he never apologised for the affair. He said that he didn't because he wasn't sorry. He was in love with the other woman but wouldn't leave his wife as it would break up the family. His wife was the one who filed for divorce. He kept saying how she is morbidly obese and how he hasn't fancied her for ages plus she wouldn't have sex with him for many years.

Good riddance.

A cheater judging you on how many people you've dated since divorcing, what an idiot.

Not using protection, dumb move. It can't be said too much if you've gotten to your age and you ignore protecting yourself for any reason. You know better. Did he ask you not to have him use protection? That's a red flag in itself along with asking for #s.

I know being unprotected was dumb. But no he didn't ask, he assumed that he was clear and that I had only been with my ex and the 1yr guy so I was safe too. Shows that he lacked knowledge about what makes you safe.
He was also very derogatory when I said I was getting tested, saying I must think I was a risk.

If he takes sexual health seriously then he would have worn a condom OP.

Stop beating yourself up. You were played by a dickhead.

He's a sickness. You've has a lucky escape. He has many issues and you're not a rehab.