Mum appears to have given up on life

[Anonladyx]

Long post ahead — looking for some advice.

My mom is 66, and over the past year she’s completely changed. It started back in February when she began feeling “ill.” Since then, she’s had countless tests and scans, but everything has come back clear. Still, she complains every day — chest pain, headaches, or some other ache.

We had a holiday to Turkey planned in May, but she pulled out because she wasn’t feeling well. I ended up going alone. I’m 25, and the last of my siblings still living at home — everyone else has their own families and houses. That means I’m the one who ends up dealing with this day to day.

She often says she’s lonely or bored and has no one to go out with, my sister takes her shopping every week and she sometimes goes by herself too. I work in the NHS, in a really stressful job with shifts, so on my days off I just want to rest and recharge. I feel guilty for not taking her out more, but honestly, I don’t have the energy right now.

The contrast with my dad is huge — he’s the same age but still so active, cycling with his brothers several times a week and hardly ever unwell. My mom, meanwhile, seems to have completely given up on life. She often says how boring everything is, rarely showers, doesn’t buy herself new clothes, doesn’t get her hair done — it’s like she’s lost all motivation.

I’m in tears writing this because I don’t know what to do and it’s taking a big toll on my mental health seeing her like this. Part of me wants to move out for my own sanity, but I worry that would make things worse for her. I love my mom deeply — she’s always been amazing to me — but I feel stuck.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Any advice would mean a lot. Thank you.

Bless you. This sounds very much like your poor mum might be depressed. I think it would be very worth getting her to see her GP to explore this - perhaps go with her and hopefully therapy & medication will help if it is. You are a lovely adult child to your mum!!

Also encourage any hobbies or groups or volunteering that might interest her although if her mood is very flat, she won’t be interested in much initially.

Surely your dad is her main support?

So sorry OP. Your mum sounds depressed and/or ill and either way isn’t getting help from her GP. They’ve not found anything through tests but that doesn’t mean she isn’t ill. You might encourage her to see a private GP if she can afford it. You’re supporting her by keeping in touch and caring. I doubt if taking her out more would make a significant difference so don’t worry if you can’t do more at the moment.

She could probably do with some antidepressants. Why is her partner not taking a more active role? Why is it falling on you?

Yes, please don't assume that because they haven't found anything doesn't mean your mum isn't ill. It just means they haven't found what is wrong yet ....

My honest advice is to move out, unless you want to spend the next twenty years being your mum's carer.

Your mother is depressed. Have a gentle conversation about it next time she says she feels unwell. She probably doesn't even realise it herself.

So your dad as her husband what is he doing with her? Do they go out together? Socialise ? Holiday together? What does he make of this?

Are your parents not close? Is he supportive towards her? It’s great that you care so much. She does sound depressed. You know so many women give up their lives to look after their children. It’s not the same for men. And then they wake up one day and think “what now?” Is this what is happening to her?

This. At 66 has she just retired @Anonladyx?
I too would be concerned she's using this a control technique to keep you close to home and stop you moving out like your siblings.

I have assumed your parents were divorced, OP?

But if not the pp ask a good question- what is your Dad doing or saying about this?

Surely you should be able to move out and let your parents manage this while you just pop in for regular visits.

If your Dad is still there but has checked out the relationship that’s an issue in itself.

But the way you are talking about your mum and the responsibility you feel, you sound like the child of a single parent.

You sound absolutely lovely - empathetic, kind and caring.

You also sound like the kind of person who can easily get emotionally blackmailed into putting themselves and their lives second and trying to serve, please and fix a parent who is not taking responsibility for their own life, health and happiness!

So an internet stranger is telling you kindly and firmly - it is NOT your responsibility to ensure that your mother is active, engaged with life and happy - ITS HERS. You can encourage her to take the steps to help herself, you can be a supportive daughter, but you do not have to and must not, make her life and happiness your responsibility. Go out and live YOUR life.

It does sound like she is depressed or could be the early signs of dementia? Medication could help.

Perhaps you need to have a word with other family members to let them know you are struggling.

Please speak to your father and discuss your concerns and ask him to support your mother by booking a dr appointment and he can go with her.

This is not your responsibility op, as caring as you sound. Other people around your mother can step up.

Are your parents still together?

I could be your mum! I too have lost all motivation, don't want to go out, everything's just without colour and meaning. But I go by the old motto, laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone. So I mask it all and everyone assumes I'm fine.
Been to the doc, nothing wrong. BUT I understand that "normal" in the test stats might well not be normal for some people. I'm thinking of thyroid problems - notoriously difficult to pin down; B12 levels, iron, and so on. I'm afraid GPs being so busy, if you walk in under your own steam and cursory test results come back "normal" you're totally healthy as far as they're concerned. I'm thinking of going privately to have a thorough check up.

If it's depression the GP should jolly well have thought of that. Have you talked to your dad? As others have said it isn't your problem to solve. You have your life to live and shouldn't lay it down for your mum. When she was in full health, I'm sure she'd never have wanted that and even now, if she knew how it's affecting you.

Please think about moving out. Or at least prioritise your own life.

OP, are your parents together?

If they are, be aware that there might be a problem in the marriage (particularly if your dad is so 'outgoing' and active) that you aren't privy to. Your mum's general decline could be a side effect of this, or of her just realising that life is passing at speed and maybe she doesn't have the energy to grasp it as it's passing.

In other words, you can't jolly her out of it. She needs to talk to someone about what's really going on.

I think the person needs to speak to is your dad tbh OP. Tell him she's showing signs of depression and he needs to help her.

I have assumed that your parents are divorced? As you have given the impression that your Mum's health worries are now on your shoulders. If your parents were still married, I'd have expected your Dad to be taking more of a supportive role, than you. It sounds very much as if your Mum could be depressed. Could you go with her to see her GP? Medical professionals are much more sympathetic to MH issues these days. It may be that she needs short-term medication, to lift her mood slightly and some therapy. She needs to get out for walks etc, exercise helps our mood. Has anything changed in the lead up to February? Has she retired recently? Or a friendship has gone by the wayside? Anything at all that may have triggered her depressive state? You can't be her sole 'entertainment' in her life. She has to forge a life for herself, now her children are adults. It requires her to make that effort. I understand you don't want to leave your Mum on her own, but equally you have your own life. You don't want to be ground down, with her and having the joy sapped out of you. You may need to look into possibly moving out, so you can help your Mum but still have your own space and boundaries.

In my experience OP GPs are very slow to think that physical symptoms might be due to mental health issues. I had a family member with the 'general malaise' type symptoms you describe and I actually had to take them to the doctor, sit in the room and say 'I think it's depression' before they went down that route.

It sounds to me as though your mum is depressed and I agree with PP another GP visit is necessary.

Another idea is getting together with your siblings, or perhaps one of your siblings who is as caring as you, and talking honestly with your mum - then perhaps going to the GP.

I'm a similar age to your mum and think that a healthy 66 year old should be leading an independent life, as your dad does, and not leaning on relatives and making them feel guilty. She isn't OLD old. She should be looking at many years of making her own life work for her.

Her life and happiness shouldn't and needn't be reliant on you. Do not let that become a trap for you. We can all only lead our own lives and our days are precious.

I agree she sounds depressed. I would ask her if she sould agree to you going to the GP with her and making a double appointment so it isn’t rushed.

Just to add, my Dad has signifigant health issues and is in his late 70s and it’s since my Mum died that he needs some support now and then. But he still meets the with the ladies in the streer for coffee, meets other friends once a week and goes to the library, shop and bank by himself.

I'm sorry, but what has happened to the "Let people know you are ready to listen to them" mantra in these times of mental health awareness? Does it not apply to women in their 60s and older?

OP is not responsible for her mother's health and happiness and absolutely should move out and live independently when she can. That doesn't mean she can't have a conversation with her Mum about depression and encourage her to take some care and give her a little bit of support right now. Come on!

Just a thought, but could your Mum possibly have had a TIA? Just asking, because with my Mum, (although she's a lot older than yours), unless you were looking and listening very closely, you wouldn't have known she'd had one, but like yours, she was presenting as very depressed, and having given up on life - to the point that if she had the choice, she'd stay in bed all day. Which so wasn't my Mum.

She was finding things like doing her hair very difficult, which made her feel frustrated, old, useless and ashamed, so she was avoiding doing them.

I had a stroke a year ago, and it left me feeling the same way.

Just a thought. . .

I would also encourage your dad to get a power of attorney in place