In too deep

[Outofmymind45]

I know I’m going to get some hate for this post but I really need some advice from anyone who’s been in the same/similar situation to me.

For the last 2 months I’ve been involved with a married man at work. Up until a few days ago it was all emotional , but then we kissed - we’ve not slept together. I’ve fallen hard for this man and he feels the same - we both agreed it’s not a fling and if things were different we’d be together. I never asked him to leave his family and I never would.
Ive opened up to him , trusted him and he was my safe space.

We constantly had conversations of it needing to end and stop talking to each-other etc but it never lasted long. Yesterday he said that even though letting me go is the hardest thing he’s ever done and he’s scared of losing me , he needs to choose his family. He said he loves her , still wants to be her husband but he also has fallen for me. We now have to act like strangers and it’s breaking me.

Ive walked away and said that unless I’m the one he wants for certain I can’t do this anymore. I’m absolutely heartbroken and so confused how he can say he wants me but he also wants to stay married to her. I’m so in love with him , I’m convinced he’s the one and now I have no idea where to start picking up the pieces and moving on.

i never set out on falling for this man and I can’t even pin point the moment it happened. I just need to know how I can get over this - we see eachother every day and it just breaks me every time I see him

Ask for a transfer to a different department.

Long term possibly apply for jobs elsewhere.

By staying where you are you're causing yourself heartache and him temptation.

And he's already told you he will pick his wife / family ...... which means if things do develop again, he will again and again drop you snd tell you he must choose his wife.

His poor wife.
The most sensible thing you can do is look for another job.

You need to look for another job.

Best of luck, you’ll get over it - time heals everything.

Honestly the above is like reading a married man’s affair script. They all say the same thing.
If he felt the same he’d leave his wife. He’s after a no strings shag. That’s it.
His poor wife. You need to give your head a wobble and see him for what he is, would you think he was so wonderful if he were your husband?? Seriously doubt it. If you take this any further you’re risking your job too. Throw him back, he’s never going to be yours

I get that you've fallen for him but really you've just uncovered a man who will quite happily have an emotional affair with and kiss someone who is not his wife. He will whisper sweet nothings and tell you if things were different... While he's at home telling his wife he loves her and making plans with the family and pretending that you don't exist. A clean break to heal is what you need. So new job, delete his number, move on. For your own sake. And his wife's.

I'm a man and I don't agree that's necessarily the case. He probably does want a shag but there'll be a mental element as well: call it limerence if you like. Maybe he's in the same state of mind as the OP. I mean, the other advice - move jobs - is probably the best, but I don't think making a simple, and possibly wrong, interpretation of the situation will help.

I agree, he's not necessarily lying but that leaves you in exactly the same position either way, @Outofmymind45.

The brain damage from proceeding with a relationship would be horrendous. I'm sure you know this - and at least he's clarified his priorities, so there's nothing here for you other than being a dirty little secret and the source of another woman's suspicions 😢

How important is this specific job to you? If you could leave reasonably easily, it seems sensible to do it. Whether you leave or stay, you'll still need to get over it the same way we get over every heartbreak. Let yourself grieve for a bit, weep drunkenly on your friends' shoulders. Remind yourself of every little niggle about this chap, including that he indulges his emotional whims at other people's expense. Encourage yourself to have crushes on other men, both unattainable celebs and 'possibles' from daily life or online. Do loads of things your particularly enjoy.

Hope it passes quickly. Good luck!

My wife had an affair with a co-worker. It started as her helping him find work while he was being made redundant. Ended with them almost breaking a 20 plus years relationship. Our kids would no longer have both parents around for bedtimes. There would be no more family days out and holidays would be split if he had his way.

Luckily we worked it out through heartache, conversations and love.

I never once hated my wife and I forgave her as soon as I found out. I did that for me as I did not want anger or hate to be aimed towards her. That is not a burden I wish to carry.

Her affair partner though. Even after she told him it was over. Even after his claims of not wanting to break up a family. His claims of respect for her wishes.

He still tried. First just messages (not able to block) saying hi. Then he tried telling her what he missed. Then he went to emotional blackmail and stating he was in a dark place and needed help and he was taking pills just to get through the nights.

My wife has been open and shown me everything he sends. As he sends it and has ignored everything.

Him I do hate. Regardless of his feelings or claims of love for my wife. He knowingly entered into a relationship with a married person. He started out praying on her kindness and motherly nature. He at the beginning kept saying how unworthy of love he is and what he might do being so unlovable. I read the messages and we talked it through by ourselves and with a counselor. How to start with it was support and a shoulder to lean on. Then the hugs lingered and changed and after several months of support it changed on a drunken night with work colleagues. It started with a kiss and then the we shouldnt have done that. He messaged saying he was so sorry and hes not worthy of her friendship and certainly not worthy of being loved. The messages were in the beginning much like your situation. She didnt want to leave me but also wanted him. My wife is not blameless at all she allowed the affair to happen and lived in the excitement of it. But when the truth came out and she stopped. Reality hit. She loved the excitement and the feeling it gave her. Not the person. When she looked at him and back on the whole affair she felt sick. And those messages getting more and more desperate and guilt tripping hit home that even if we had ended she would never had wanted to be with someone like him.

It took a lot of counseling and conversations. A lot of empathy and love and through it all I just remained me. We are closer now than ever before.

Him. Him I hate. He's hated by our daughter after she overheard and figured out what had happened. He's hated by our friends who we told for moral support. He's alone now. He lost his friends when they found out as they lost all respect for him. He lost everything and I am happy with the karma in that. I resited the urge to confront him. I did send a message stating how hated he was and what future did he see as I would never allow the person who had a hand in breaking our marriage (this was before we reconciled) to be anywhere near our children. They would know he is the reason I wasn't there for every bedtime story anymore.

Hopefully this gives you an insight into what to expect when your affair partners wife finds out. He may realise its just the thrill of the illicit and what a mistake you have been. Even if he doesnt and it is love. Can you live with being a rightfully hated person by his wife and whoever else is affected by your actions?

Sorry to be blunt but just stop it - you are an adult. These things normally never end well. Don’t be so presumptious to think your story will end differently.

Imagine him being in a committed relationship with you, and at the same time kissing another woman.

He loves the feeling of having a wife, and also another woman being in love with him.

He is so in love with you yet is still fucking his wife and says he love her too? Hmmm, what a catch. You don't know who he really is OP, just what he wants to show you. What you do know is he is a lying, cheating snake who doesn't respect his wife or the vows he made to her. I can't imagine why you would be attracted to or claim to love such a low caliber human being. You are not a toddler who can't make the right decisions here. Stop being so fucking selfish. Your whole post is me me me. What about his wife? She is the only one I have sympathy for. The both of you are selfish twats. Affairs destroy people. Be better than that.

Oh dear

They all say the same thing. Really. Every story online about a woman having an affair with a married man reports the same stories they are being told. It's uncanny, you would almost thing these guys have a club where they come up with these lines.
One thing you have to understand is that the married man operates from a place of a security. He can be smooth and charming because there is no uncertainty for him. He won't be alone with Xmas and New Year, he won't have to wonder who he will go on holiday with. You on the other hand are truly single.
You are a distraction to him. Many guys have marriages of over 30 years just because they have had mistresses. The latter are for the excitement, the wife is for the comfort. The mistress is to break out of the routine.
It's very rare that a married guy will divorce his wife for his affair partner. I would in any case not bet on it. I have seen this scenario play out too often and it ends with heartache for the other woman. Because if you have served your purpose he will dump you without any scruples.
Get out of this situation, there is nothing to gain in it and a lot to lose.

Very typical that you hate the guy and not your wife. I get it, you need that to be able to move on.
But your wife is the guilty one here, not the guy, and if the guy insisted it's because your wife made promises to him.

@TheSuperfluousWoman there is a lot more to it than that.
He did something truly evil to try and make me leave.
He also wanted me to help him find work. This was during the woe is me part before the affair started.
She rejected him multiple times but he was relentless for months and months. Using everything from urgent need help messages to confessions of love and following her polite rejection stating he was unlovable and he understood he is unworthy of hers or anyone's affection and will just quietly disappear because no one would miss him.
And yes, my wife is guilty. She admited that and to everything that happened. And it has taken a long time and lots of work to get us to where we are now and there is still a long way to go. She was responsible for the affair and has held nothing back.

But the bottom line is this. I love my wife. I can see where she was mentally and why what happened happened from her point of view. I've seen the oh I've been caught remorse and then much later the real remorse and disgust at her own actions.

My wife has worked hard to earn back my trust and has not once placed any blame anywhere other than on herself.

My hate for him is because he knew who I was. He knew we have kids and he worked hard to try to break that without remorse or care. Even after she told him to leave her alone and its over and to please understand she made a mistake and loves me and wants me. He still kept trying and resorted to if she doesnt help him he doesnt know what he will do to himself.

So yes I hate him. I'm good with that. I know not all the blame is his but he is a low life scum bag who pursues married women and needles his way in.

My wife is my best friend. Shes the person I get excited to talk with whenever something new happens. Shes who still gives me butterflies after 20 years together. My wife is the absolute love of my life. My wife made a big big mistake and has admitted to it and faced the consequences head on. My wife is not someone I would ever be able to hate or have anger towards.

A friend gave me advise when I leant on her and her partner for support before I fully found out about the affair, while I just strongly suspected. Her advice was to not only hold onto the negative but to remember all the years of positive memories and judge her based on all of it.

It was two months and a kiss with a married man. You're not in love. You've made up some fantasy life in your head and the reality is he is no prince. You probably aren't the first.

He's been clear he is staying with his family. Stay away from him.

He wants his wife, not you, you are maybe a nice distraction, but when it comes to it he doesn’t want you enough to leave his family. Get another job and find yourself a single man, plenty around, hate to say it but you should have know better to fall
for a married man, it’s the same old script time after time.

You aren't in love with him, you barely know him.

This isn't some star crossed lovers, kept away from having their one true love shit, this is just a common garden office affair with a bit of fumbling.

He's probably done this many times before.

For the sake of yourself and this man's poor wife and family stay away from him and work on yourself.

Leave your job. Yes it’s drastic and you probably feel like you shouldn’t be the one to leave the job and him but you are where you are.

Remember he is a liar (he lies to his wife and family as doubt they know about you). Tell yourself why would you want someone who can be that horrible to someone they love and promised to love forever?

I cannot imagine a situation in this world where I would knowingly kiss / start an emotional affair with a married man. That was your choice it did not just happen. Of course this would be the path he would go down, you play with fire and all that.

Block, delete, do not engage and have enough self respect to not snog anybody's Husband again it is quite simple.

These posts are always so indulgent.
The reality is you do want him to break up and leave his family for you because he makes you feel good. It’s as simple as that no actual care about the cause of your actions just pick me pick me this is so hard.

My ex had an affair and I say 3 years on I’m starting to feel grounded again. He lied for another year and then he left for her. The thing people don’t think about is with affairs you’re not just breaking up a family and marriage but most likely any chance of a healthy co parenting relationship moving forward. My ex decided to leave with a rich lady twice my age saying she will give him a life of riches I shit you not. He admitted he didn’t even love her but didn’t want to work anymore. Just like that gone but this is the woman that knew he had two babies at home that would speak to me to cover his tracks.

So yeah the likelihood we can go to family events together or have any form of unity for our children is taken away. For something that will likely blow up and end in the next few months or years. Is it ever really worth it? Children growing up in fractious situations for your limerence? The funny side of it though is they always truly believe they won’t then do the same to them. If someone can disregard his family just like that he can and will do the same to you. You are not special you just made yourself available to him.

Try taking off the rose tinted glasses and see the man for who he really is. He's lacking in morals, he's a dirty cheat and a liar. You're in love with the fantasy life you imagine, built on illicit excitement. If he can do this to his wife and family, he sure as hell could do it to you in the future.

If necessary, move jobs to get away from him and in future, stay away from married/attached men. Being the 'other woman' will not set the pair of you in good stead for him to ever have a happy co-parenting relationship with his spurned wife.

Sounds like an office flirtation that has gone too far. He is right to choose his family & children. I hope he learns from this and that you get the space you need to move on.

Everyone has a brain until they fall in love. Makes eejits out of us all. He’s not yours. +2 months is nothing. I’ve got cheese in the fridge much older…
Hardest thing he’s ever done (BS!) - he’s showing you by his actions he doesn’t want you and you’re just a fling. Get a new job. Delete his contacts and go with your head not heart on this. There are many ‘ones’ so leave him be.

You move on by understanding you’re not special and you’re not star crossed lovers, eyes destined to meet across the photocopier.

You’ve been spun the oldest line in the book by a married man looking for a bit of fun and you’ve fallen for it. I doubt this is his first rodeo - you’re just the latest victim.

Realise you’ve been taken for a fool, give your head a wobble, dust your self down and carry on doing your job. If you can’t deal with seeing him, then you don’t really have any choice but to look for another job. And next time don’t shit on your own doorstep.

Lying cheating tossers looking for a quick thrill are ten a penny - don’t choose to be a victim of another POS bloke.