In too deep

[Outofmymind45]

I know I’m going to get some hate for this post but I really need some advice from anyone who’s been in the same/similar situation to me.

For the last 2 months I’ve been involved with a married man at work. Up until a few days ago it was all emotional , but then we kissed - we’ve not slept together. I’ve fallen hard for this man and he feels the same - we both agreed it’s not a fling and if things were different we’d be together. I never asked him to leave his family and I never would.
Ive opened up to him , trusted him and he was my safe space.

We constantly had conversations of it needing to end and stop talking to each-other etc but it never lasted long. Yesterday he said that even though letting me go is the hardest thing he’s ever done and he’s scared of losing me , he needs to choose his family. He said he loves her , still wants to be her husband but he also has fallen for me. We now have to act like strangers and it’s breaking me.

Ive walked away and said that unless I’m the one he wants for certain I can’t do this anymore. I’m absolutely heartbroken and so confused how he can say he wants me but he also wants to stay married to her. I’m so in love with him , I’m convinced he’s the one and now I have no idea where to start picking up the pieces and moving on.

i never set out on falling for this man and I can’t even pin point the moment it happened. I just need to know how I can get over this - we see eachother every day and it just breaks me every time I see him

I actually think he may very well be taken with you but knows he still loves his wife and doesn’t want to leave, he’s said it himself. It’s probably the excitement/limerence as pp pointed out. See if you can move out of his way. Sorry OP I know your heart probably hurts a bit but he’s told you clearly that he’s not going to be leaving his wife etc.

Have you thought of getting a partner of your own?

I actually feel sorry for him. Everyone hates him when it was your wife who was in the relationship and had the family to lose. That's karma gone awry. Your wife should count her blessings that she isn't in his position, ie completely scapegoated.

Agreed.

I’m absolutely heartbroken and so confused how he can say he wants me but he also wants to stay married to her.

A: because he doesn’t ’love’ you as much as you do him 🤷🏻‍♀️

But no matter what you say she had to be unhappy with you in some way to get to that stage.
Does she genuinely want to be with you or have you all railroaded her into that being her only choice.
With everyone she's knows hating him have you all boxed her into a corner she can't escape from.
I don't agree with affairs - unhappy with your partner then split up and then find someone else when you've had time to process but the language you use in your posts worries me.

Not going to judge OP. I know it doesn’t feel like it right now but your actually in a more fortunate position than you think. It’s only been 2 months and he’s been upfront about where you stand- you’re a nice distraction but ultimately he loves his wife and family and will prioritise them.

Don’t prolong the agony by waiting for crumbs of attention or for him to change his mind(unfortunately speak from experience here).

You’re not in so deep, and can walk away with dignity. If your single start dating, or throw yourself into something new as a distraction.

If you are able to talk to a trusted friend or counsellor. As a pp said the hardest part is recovering in silence.

Ok love😄 🙄🙄🙄 😆 your opinion is irrelevant to me . You seem to have a problem with a wife having a problem with genuine homewreckers. You have no idea what our life is like or anything. Your probably one of those women 😃

Absolutely BS in our situation and many others. 🤣🤣🤣 ooh im a mindreader I knew my husband was going to cheat. Get a grip and listen to yourself🤣. No I didnt know before I married him neither do hundreds of women and there was no history of it. And yes the OW can stop it.

No railroading at all.
The language used in my post was to show the emotions towards her affair partner.

Throughout it all I've treated my wife with empathy and did accept that had things been perfect it would not have happened. Not to mean i'm to blame because she should have ended it with me before seeking someone else.
We are both in positions where we could happily support ourselves apart. And we had decided that was the best thing to do.
I'd never stopped loving her and had wanted is to try again but she was not sure we could recover from it.
I then did something that made her laugh when i messaged her about it. My daughter was with her at that moment and said it looked like she just broke. She went from laughing to crying to laughing. Round and round until she stopped and said oh my god I do love him.
We talked and decided to try and here we both are now.
In the 20 years we've been together ive never once called her a name, not once stopped her from going anywhere or seeing anyone. I've never stood in the way of her career or done anything negative towards her.
Our problems stemmed from past events. We had broken up years back for a month when she then found out she was pregnant. I never wanted children (which was why we broke up then) I didnt handle it well as I was scared. I wasn't there for her much during the first few months of pregnancy and then slowly accepted my responsibility. When our daughter was born it was like i'd just figured out the secret to happiness. And now I love being a dad more than anything.
I also got made redundant a couple of times in a row and that put a huge burden on her several years ago.
I do a lot round the house and all bedtimes and driving. I worked a lot of hours too.
My wife never let go of anything in the past and would always bring them up in any disagreement and over the years she became increasingly angry but I cannot change the past.
I started shutting down and we stopped communicating. Those were the issues.
Now through help from counsellors and also seeing me let go of and never using what she did in arguments or disagreements. She has learnt to let go too and is much lighter for that.

She wrote me a note not long back. About love and what it means. If she could go back and tell her younger self what love is.

It was a long one so I wont put it all in here but the gist of it is. It never wavers or stops. It holds your hand through tough times and puts you first. Its the love of the person who makes you feel safe and warm and you know that no matter what it will be there for you.

So no. There is no railroading. Even from our friends who stated that they will support whatever desicion. Or even our daughter who said the same.

None of this means I and they cannot feel hatred towards her affair partner.

@Outofmymind45 it’s hell getting over a crush.
However, this crush could ruin lives, upend mental health and cause untold lasting damage.
You won’t want this to be true but here’s what’s going on:
he’s loving the attention and being fawned over. He’s loving the thrill and the risk and the ego boost, not you as a person. You could be anybody who flatters him in this way and makes themselves easily available. You’re fun, nothing more.
He’s told you he’s never going to leave his wife and nor should he, he loves her and the life he has with his family. You’re a pleasant distraction and a little holiday from his daily routine who makes him think “he’s still got it”. It’s clearly got out of hand for him and he’s backing away.
That’s why it’s so easy for him to end it: because he wants to. He feels guilty, the risk outweighs the fun and he just wants out. In order to stop him looking like the real bastard he’s being, he will tell you it’s the hardest thing he’s ever had to do and you will be hard to get over blah blah blah….that’s not the truth of any of it. He can’t afford to piss you off in case you tell his wife. It’s cruel and leaves you mooning about him, but it really is drivel and designed to preserve his self-image and protect his lying arse.
It’s a script OP, and you’ve fallen for it.
Two months and one kiss is nothing. You don’t really know him, have spent next to no time with him, and if you think any man who loves his wife will nuke his life for that, you must be very naive indeed.
This man sleeps with his wife every night and tells her he loves her. He’s told you he loves her. You know he’s a user, a liar, a betrayer and a fraud. What else do you need to know about this man for him to turn you off completely? A man in an affair is being the biggest shite out.
Thankfully he’s given his head a wobble and escaped. You’ve dodged a bullet too although you can’t see it yet. Both of you have behaved appallingly.
Now for God’s sake stay away and be thankful it got no further. His poor wife!

He has made it clear he is choosing his wife. You do need to steer clear as much as possible. That’s hard. I have vowed not to get involved with someone from work again as when it goes sour, you still have to see the person. My person wasn’t married, but I was still hurt by it ending (even though my choice, as he was so none committal and not what I wanted) and it was very hard at first seeing him. Thankfully he’s been AWOL for a couple of weeks and i’m feeling a lot better about it. For you, ask to transfer if you can, start looking for another jobs if necessary, just steer clear of him as people are going to get hurt. He is not available.

Don't feel sorry for him. If you'd have hear the lies and nastiness hes come out with following to try and guilt her into seeing him.
The lies he told at the start and just that he enjoys breaking marriages.
So no. No pity for him.

My wife did not get off free. I was actually asked last night by a friend who knows what happened if she feels she got off easy. My answer is no. She thinks she is lucky and is now living every moment to the full to take advantage of that luck.
I don't believe in punishment or suffering are always a solution. Thats definetly not me.
Instead I will make the most of what we have and the strength we have both shown.

Honey the OW doesn't owe you a thing. Why would she, especially if she does not know you. It's your husband who has to not get involved with another woman. No one can force an adult to get involved with someone so if it happens it's because the cheater made a deliberate choice to do this.

The OW owes it to herself and society to be a decent human being and not knowingly help a cheating man hurt and abuse his wife and children, by keeping, encouraging and being his dirty secret. The man is to blame for choosing the affair but the OW chooses too. She chooses to ditch her morals and integrity and act as if what they are both doing to his wife is nothing to do with her. Absolutely grim to be ok with treating others like that, even strangers.

Okay 2 months is a relatively short time span, but I get it, the intensity feels like a lifetime.
He's not going to leave his wife over a kiss and an intense couple of months.

HE could do the decent thing and look for alternative employment.

Why is it always the woman who has to "find another job"? The man is 50% of the problem, but he gets to stay in his cushy job, gets the plaudits for doing the right thing by staying with the wife and kids, and meanwhile it's the dreadful woman who tried to tempt him away that has to find a new job and get away from temptation. Internalised misogyny every time!

I get the point re HE could look for another job but HE is not on here saying that HE can’t handle the turmoil SHE is! The advice to move jobs wasn’t to save HIM it was to offer her a solution to seeing him everyday which was in her words ‘breaking her’.

If I was his wife and found out I’d definitely be telling him he needed to change jobs and if he was on here bleating away I’d say the same.

I can’t think of any other morally wrong behaviour which is justified by the argument ‘they didn’t owe them anything because they didn’t know them’.

Stealing from someone you don’t know - definitely wrong, hurting someone you don’t know - most definitely wrong, endangering someone through your actions you don’t know - definitely wrong, the list is endless. It’s how our whole society functions.

Infidelity, an abusive behaviour which removes informed sexual consent and personal agency, causes trauma and often leads to suicidal ideation in the betrayed and CAN NOT happen without a willing participant, is the only example where people weirdly argue the other women doesn’t ’owe anything because they don’t know you’.

I can’t square that circle.

Exactly this. The ows responsibility o behave with decency doesn't dissappear because the man has the commitment with his wife.
The getaway driver is no less responsible for the robbery because the robber was the one who went into the bank.

100% this. Im ignoring any more of the superwhateverwomans replies . Possibly troll. Whoever it is has targeted me on here for having a problem with women who get involved with married men. 🙄

But wookiemustgo thank you for this comment

Furrylittlesweetpatatoes post is spot on too.

This sums it up nicely the points im making in my posts. Thank you for this Ladies. X

Baffled that a cheating married man with a family, is described as your "safe space"
Im angry on behalf of the wife.

Sorry OP but you’ve probably been played by an experienced bullshitter. You think you were in love, he was having bit of fun to pass the time. Once he realised you believed his lines and were having feelings, he panicked and spun you even more nonsense.

This won’t be his first rodeo or his last.

Spot on, absolutely this. “It’s ok hurting others as long as I don’t know them”. It’s the same kind of lying to themselves to soothe their cognitive dissonance as a cheating man thinking, “It’s ok as long as nobody finds out.”
There is no moral justification for what either party in an affair is doing. Ever.

I’ve been on both sides of this situation, neither is a place I ever want to go again.
Hope you manage to pick your self esteem off the floor and move on with your head high. Moving jobs didn’t work for me as he still had my number, really you need to cut him out of your personal life, no ‘friendly’ communication, texts and emails, social media purely business only. Not only that it messed up my career, which is much more important than any man. If you can talk to someone in real life they can help you understand it and gain some
closure.
Honestly all he wants is a shag and an ego boost, he basically told you that when he said he would never leave his wife and sounds like you have no intention of being a side piece. Sorry to be so blunt as it’s probably not what you want to hear. It’s really cruel and selfish of him to take advantage of you knowing that you want a relationship with him, he is not a nice man and clearly doesn’t care about you and your well being. Also same about his wife, he doesn’t really care about her and her well being also.