My (F41) husband (M43) is a functioning alcoholic and I don’t know what to do.

[Confuddledmama]

My (F41) husband (M43) is a functioning alcoholic and I don’t know what to do.
We have been together 14 years. We have one (M8) child together and I have two from a previous relationship (F19,M15)
His drinking used to just be weekends and now it’s everyday apart from Monday and that day he goes to bed at 9pm. So..

Tuesday 1 bottle wine
Wednesday 1 bottle wine 1 miniature
Thursday 1-2 bottles wine 1 miniature
Friday 2 bottles wine
Saturday 2-4 large bottles beer, 2 bottles wine, 1 miniature
Sunday 2 bottles wine

Obviously this is A LOT but my husband doesn’t seem to think so. It’s not just his health I’m worried about it’s the way he is when he’s drunk. The falling over, the slurring, the spilling his drinks, the random ramblings in front of the eldest. I hate it. We all hate it.
When I was younger my mum and step dad were alcoholics and so were my dad and step mum. They didn’t keep to themselves they used to call me regularly drunk D&SM Friday/saturday M&SD Sunday/monday. To talk/slur/shout about what I’ve done/not done/should be doing. It was awful and draining. When I lived with my mum my SD was a nasty abusive drunk and mum never did anything about it.
They all passed away, one by one and it was devastating. The ending especially. Being nurse to each one of your four parents and watching them pass away is something that sticks with you forever. Two days before mum passed she wasn’t feeling great, I said I would bring some flu and cold meds round but the oldest 2 had just come out of hospital after having teeth out and they weren’t feeling great so I didn’t go, the Sunday she died from a massive heart attack. I’ve always felt like I could’ve done something, I should’ve helped and I didn’t.

Back to my current life, on several of occasions my older children have come to me crying because of the state of dad when he’s drunk/stuff he’s said whilst drunk.
I’ve tried to talk to him but the excuses are endless. It’s the ONLY thing he has to look forward to, it’s the only thing that chills him out, without it he will be in bed from 9pm every night is that what I want l, I have Pepsi max and cigs ( I only drink alcohol 2/3 times per year on special occasions), he has wine, the latest is ~ he has to drink so that it fits in line with what he’s doing l (I’m still confused about that one tbh I think he means if he has got dinner to make, washing up or ironing he drinks in line with start dinner at 4 start drinking at 4 finish ironing by 9 stop drinking by 12 so he has down time with wine )
I will say here that I’m disabled, I had an accident years ago so standing/walking for a period of time is very painful hence why he’s making dinner, washing up etc. I do offer to help and he always says no but not just no, no in a loving caring way like ‘no boo go sit down I’ve got this’
My husband and I, apart from the drinking do have a fab relationship we talk, laugh, sex life is wonderful, he’s a fantastic dad to all 3 of the children and even though the older two spend time occasionally with bio dad they still refer to hubby as dad.
He works full time in a mega stressful job and he’s one of the only ones in the country that can do what he does. Everyone loves the happy, wonderful chatty man he is. Including me. But no ones sees the moody, sometimes nasty man.
But over the years I think he’s been gaslighting me and it’s getting worse.
If I say anything about his drinking, he is in a mood with me and does the silent treatment which he knows I hate. I am audhd/bipolar/anxiety disorder so I stopped saying anything because I can’t handle the silent treatment. Then he starts saying things like well if he didn’t have to do everything around here maybe he wouldn’t be as stressed so he wouldn’t have to drink as much please know I do do housework but I do it during the day and I do the cleaning up after breakfast, tidying, more full clean stuff like the bathrooms, floors sweeping outside, but it’s not as often and it results in awful pain and morphine top ups, he does more everyday things washing up, dinnners etc which I am very grateful for.
So when he says things like this I try and do more at night when he can see me doing things. And I get on at the kids about helping.
The kids are starting to resent me because I’m always the one having a go, wash your dishes, hang the towels up, put things away etc. which they should be doing anyway but I get on at them even more when I realise how stressed hubby is about it. He does tell them in a jokey will you clean up after yourself way. He’s also the one they call to get picked up, to get taken places because he always says yes but then he moans at me because he’s sick of it so I make a stand and say no and he doesn’t making me look like the MFH.
I also work from home and although I don’t make great amounts of money the money I do make pays for Xmas each year. I also do school runs and pick him up from work each day. Along with my many hospital appointments.
I realise that he’s working full time then coming home and doing everything but I promise I’m doing what I can.
Every time we argue about his drinking somehow it’s me that’s saying sorry.
We had an agreement a few weeks ago, after my daughter had come to me upset over his drinking. We agreed that he would only have 1 bottle a night except for Saturday when he would drink whatever (he sleeps in till 12/1pm Sundays)
He hasn’t once stuck to this and I’ve not said a word till last Thursday (he’s got work 7am Friday) he was clearly drunk so I asked him what he has had and he said 1 bottle. He was obviously lying but I left it then Friday roles round and again obviously drunk so I ask him how much he’s had he says 1 bottle I ask him to promise (promise is an us thing, I have some trauma from my dad lying to me continuously so promise means absolute no bs and I rely on this promise when I’m feeling vulnerable, to me ‘promise’ is sacred)
He promises. I have already scoped out how much wine he has though. He had bought 2 bottles one of which he ‘hid’ so I go in the kitchen and sure enough the hidden one is empty in the recycling hidden by other bottles lemonade milk etc (even though he’s done the recycling tonight) and the other bottle is on the side 1/4 filled with what I assume is water (he drinks red wine so it was clear)
So I take a deep breath and go say this to him. He says well he did it on purpose to see if I was checking up on him. What?? I just walk away because getting into a convo about this is pointless when one side of us is struggling to keep upright.
So he goes to bed.
Morning comes round I drop my eldest and her bf off at the train station for their holiday, go home and we go to my youngest footie match it’s 820am.
I’m barely talking to hubby.
When we finally talk it goes like this ..
Me Why did you drink so much
H I had 2 bottles
M we agreed you’d only do that on Saturdays
H right
M so why
H because I had a stressful week and wanted to relax
M you did it Thursday too
H right
M you promised me and you lied
H I only did that to see how much you were checking up on me you know more about what I’m doing than you do our son (which btw is hilarious since if I leave home he rings to see where I am what I’m doing who I’m with, life360)
M what
H you heard you were checking up on me
M (crying at this point) you aren’t getting it you promised me, you know that’s sacred
H well you were checking up on me
M ok

End

The rest of the day I attempt to talk about it here and there. He’s swept it under the rug and is in normal mode meanwhile an argument like this leaves me shaken for the days (I know I get it dramatic but the stuff he says leaves me feeling like I’m going crazy, like I’m the biggest bitch in the world. I should be giving him a break, he works hard, he’s a fab dad, amazing hubby and I’m just being a lunatic and need to get a grip)
So at some point I tell him he can’t carry on like this, he’s having 80-100 units a week I’ve researched it so many times, what it can be doing to his body, his mental health and to his family.
I tell him the nhs says 14 units max for men, he says I know plenty of people that drink way more than I do plus the doc said it was ok (he went to the docs years ago for health check up and apparently doc said it was ok, he wasn’t drinking as much then and probably didn’t tell them the full truth)

I tell him I can’t see our hea if this carrries on and he scoffs ‘how are you gonna do everything I do in the house’ (this is a thing he brings up regularly because he knows I can’t and obvs don’t have the parents anymore to help and I’d be fecked without him)

I ask him to please please cut it down.
He says he’s going to AA this week, I get very excited till he says he’s going to go to prove he isn’t an alcoholic and it must be a compulsion because he feels like he has to drink in time to whatever he is doing.
And that’s that. Saturday night he drinks his beers and 2 bottles. Sleeps in Sunday till 12.

We have a nice day together then I work some he takes youngest out for a bit.

Sunday night he drinks 2 bottles falls over the chair, spills wine all over my clothes (I keep a bag of clothes downstairs as I spend most of the night 4am onwards on the couch and so I don’t have to go back upstairs to get dressed) falls about and goes to bed.
And now we are here back to normal, he’s at work, I’m dropping kids off, working from home, going to appointments, getting kids, getting him, coming home, working some, feeling guilty for not pulling my weight.
He’s doing his usual messages after a weekend of tension-
You are incredible xxxx
I love you with all of my heart xxxx
I miss you so so so much xxxxx
I am very much in love with you boo xxxx

And I feel so sad and scared. I’m scared he’s going to get poorly and die. I don’t want him to go through a horrendous illness like my parents, I don’t want to be without him. I don’t want the kids to lose their dad, I don’t want the world to lose this amazing man. I have told him this, these exact words.
What the hell do I do? Is it me? Do I need to stop being such a moaner and just leave him to it?
Sorry I know it’s a long post. I am open to any help/suggestions but please be kind, I’ve never posted before, I know there will be errors so I apologise xxxx

You can’t help these people unfortunately.

I wouldn’t tolerate raising a child around this and having older kids in that environment. I’m afraid I would be leaving.

Leave.

It is affecting your DC.
As the daughter of an alcoholic, even though my parents separated before I got to high school, I can confirm it did had a lasting effect on myself and my siblings.

You can’t help him. He has to want to change, and he clearly doesn’t.

Leave, obviously.

Woah! I really do hope you feel some relief just from having 'typed that out loud'.

You already know just how bad it gets and how hard it is to talk to a determined alcoholic, so I'll just give you a ((Confuddled))

What do you want, realistically?

Just somewhere safe to offload?

Do you want to spend a few years trying to get him to see sense, seek help?

Do you want support in working out how best to collect yourself and divorce etc?

Or somewhere to discuss all options because hope always springs eternal?

Let us know. There are many ofnus who have navigated a family alcoholic, you dont have to do this alone ♥️

I haven’t read the whole op
but I was a child of an alcoholic who married an alcoholic and we both know it’s unlikely to get any better and that you must leave .

You are the only person who can protect your children from your husband. You have to get them out. All the platitudes about good days and being a good father don’t make up for the damage of living with an addict.

You need to make a plan to at least live separately from
him.

He has no intentions of going to AA does he?. He is lying to himself as well as you (because you so want to believe him) and is in denial.

Leave him and start divorce proceedings. That is the way to go here and I make no apologies for stating otherwise. You have three children and they are being affected by what is happening around them. They see your reactions both spoken and unspoken to your man. You cannot even begin to protect them from this man's alcoholism whilst you are all under the same roof.

No such thing as a functioning alcoholic; he is not functioning and you've been doing the usual roles associated with such spouses namely codependent partner, enabler and provoker.

Alcoholism is not called the family disease without good reason and you are all affected by this alcoholic in your midst.

Your own recovery from his alcoholism will not start until you have left this man.

You have a choice re this man, your children do not. Do not further do your bit here to raise them in such a dysfunctional home because the effects of all this on them could well last into adulthood and their own relationships. They deserve better frankly as do you.

There are some really supportive threads here for people affected by a loved one’s drinking, I’d recommend you check them out OP. I found Smart Recovery Friends and Family very helpful when I was struggling with my ex’s drinking.
There is a saying, “I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it and I can’t cure it” from Al Anon that may be helpful for you to think about.

You posted about him when on Holiday?

What a shit show. He isn’t a good Dad. It just shows how much you are minimising behaviour that you have said that. He is an awful man that doesn’t care about anyone but himself and his drink. Sure he might like the idea of having a family around him but he treats you horribly. It sounds like you are afraid to discuss things with him due to him being nasty to you. Do you realise how messed up that is. You praise him in your OP for doing so much at home but he’s only doing it because you can’t.

In your heart of hearts are you only staying with him because of your disability? How do you see things turning out if you stay with him?

I had the same situation with my DH, who, like yours works a very stressful job. I realized quite quickly that I could not make him stop or even cut back. So, I turned my attention to the well being of my children. DH was obviously not showing them appropriate behavior so I told him there would be no alcohol in the house until or youngest boys were 18. At the time my boys were between 10-14. I told him that if he couldn't agree to my terms that our marriage was over and he was moving out. I meant every word. For the next 8 years there was no alcohol in the house (which was a little odd when guests came over). Once the youngest two had graduated and moved onto uni the alcohol came back but not as before.

I would leave and stop exposing my kids to alcoholics.

Your parents were alcoholics and you were made to look after them. It did you no good and its of no real surprise that you went onto be with an alcoholic yourself.

No one protected you from your parents alcoholism but you can protect your children now from same. He is not a good dad to his kids either if he is a drunkard. Do not stay with him just because of your disability because your children won't say thanks mum to you for doing that.

I heard something in an AA meeting a few weeks ago - that if your parents shut you in broom cupboards when you were a child, as an adult you’re likely to seek out people who will also shut you in broom cupboards.

The only person who can change his drinking is him. He has to want to change - and he doesn’t. There is no such thing as a functioning alcoholic and they all lie about how much they drink, right up until they finally realise that the path they’re on leads to insanity or death, unless they stop drinking altogether. There are no half measures and no cutting down.

But you have to want sobriety as much as you wanted to drink.

Spot on. Leave. Prioritise your children and yourself. If you don’t they will otherwise inevitably be exposed to this and negatively impacted (to put it politely 🙄)

Let me guess, he doesn’t think he has a drink problem because he can get through Monday?
I don’t like the term functioning alcoholic, as he clearly isn’t functioning within the home.
Every boundary you set, he overrides.
The “drink what you like just on Saturday” rule is a huge red flag.
Im really sorry for you and the kids, it must be awful living like this.

Al Anon and Alateen are there to support the family, partners, friends and teens of alcoholics. Even if the alcoholic doesn’t go to AA, the wider organisation might be able to help you.

OP, please get yourself some support. There are organisations for the family - I work for one and am happy to help you to find some support

Contact family anonymous helpline
Read women who love too much

OP I suggest to come to the Alcohol Support threads - under talk topics select Health then Alcohol Support.

You articulated your situation very well. Being disabled, you need to think about a plan to leave

As the daughter of an alcoholic father (now dead) and enabling mother (now NC), please, for the love of God take your children out of this horrendously damaging situation.

I implore you to leave. I have been in your shoes. By the time I left, his drinking (and the lies, the worry about what he'd do that would be embarrassing / dangerous / concerning for the children or other people, the not knowing 'who' I would come home to, the selfishness, the being let down on most big occasions, the constant being-on-edge, the lack of trust.....) was turning me into a different person. I wanted my children to live somewhere calm and safe. I didn't want them to think addiction and alcohol abuse, were normal. I didn't want them to think you should put up with destructive behaviour in a relationship. I didn't want them to live on eggshells like me. I wanted them to have their old mum back.

It is really sad. But you can't change it. And if you stay around too long you will start to change who you are as well. I was more jumpy, less fun-loving, more anxious, less patient, and I didn't want that for my children or the other people in my life, or myself.

Better to save yourself and your children from his drink problem, than for you all to go down with it.

He sounds like he is so deep in addiction and denial that he doesn't have a clue! You are not crazy. You are not wrong.

He needs to change or he needs to leave.

Intrigued how you have such a wonderful sex life if he is always drunk!