My (F41) husband (M43) is a functioning alcoholic and I don’t know what to do.

[Confuddledmama]

My (F41) husband (M43) is a functioning alcoholic and I don’t know what to do.
We have been together 14 years. We have one (M8) child together and I have two from a previous relationship (F19,M15)
His drinking used to just be weekends and now it’s everyday apart from Monday and that day he goes to bed at 9pm. So..

Tuesday 1 bottle wine
Wednesday 1 bottle wine 1 miniature
Thursday 1-2 bottles wine 1 miniature
Friday 2 bottles wine
Saturday 2-4 large bottles beer, 2 bottles wine, 1 miniature
Sunday 2 bottles wine

Obviously this is A LOT but my husband doesn’t seem to think so. It’s not just his health I’m worried about it’s the way he is when he’s drunk. The falling over, the slurring, the spilling his drinks, the random ramblings in front of the eldest. I hate it. We all hate it.
When I was younger my mum and step dad were alcoholics and so were my dad and step mum. They didn’t keep to themselves they used to call me regularly drunk D&SM Friday/saturday M&SD Sunday/monday. To talk/slur/shout about what I’ve done/not done/should be doing. It was awful and draining. When I lived with my mum my SD was a nasty abusive drunk and mum never did anything about it.
They all passed away, one by one and it was devastating. The ending especially. Being nurse to each one of your four parents and watching them pass away is something that sticks with you forever. Two days before mum passed she wasn’t feeling great, I said I would bring some flu and cold meds round but the oldest 2 had just come out of hospital after having teeth out and they weren’t feeling great so I didn’t go, the Sunday she died from a massive heart attack. I’ve always felt like I could’ve done something, I should’ve helped and I didn’t.

Back to my current life, on several of occasions my older children have come to me crying because of the state of dad when he’s drunk/stuff he’s said whilst drunk.
I’ve tried to talk to him but the excuses are endless. It’s the ONLY thing he has to look forward to, it’s the only thing that chills him out, without it he will be in bed from 9pm every night is that what I want l, I have Pepsi max and cigs ( I only drink alcohol 2/3 times per year on special occasions), he has wine, the latest is ~ he has to drink so that it fits in line with what he’s doing l (I’m still confused about that one tbh I think he means if he has got dinner to make, washing up or ironing he drinks in line with start dinner at 4 start drinking at 4 finish ironing by 9 stop drinking by 12 so he has down time with wine )
I will say here that I’m disabled, I had an accident years ago so standing/walking for a period of time is very painful hence why he’s making dinner, washing up etc. I do offer to help and he always says no but not just no, no in a loving caring way like ‘no boo go sit down I’ve got this’
My husband and I, apart from the drinking do have a fab relationship we talk, laugh, sex life is wonderful, he’s a fantastic dad to all 3 of the children and even though the older two spend time occasionally with bio dad they still refer to hubby as dad.
He works full time in a mega stressful job and he’s one of the only ones in the country that can do what he does. Everyone loves the happy, wonderful chatty man he is. Including me. But no ones sees the moody, sometimes nasty man.
But over the years I think he’s been gaslighting me and it’s getting worse.
If I say anything about his drinking, he is in a mood with me and does the silent treatment which he knows I hate. I am audhd/bipolar/anxiety disorder so I stopped saying anything because I can’t handle the silent treatment. Then he starts saying things like well if he didn’t have to do everything around here maybe he wouldn’t be as stressed so he wouldn’t have to drink as much please know I do do housework but I do it during the day and I do the cleaning up after breakfast, tidying, more full clean stuff like the bathrooms, floors sweeping outside, but it’s not as often and it results in awful pain and morphine top ups, he does more everyday things washing up, dinnners etc which I am very grateful for.
So when he says things like this I try and do more at night when he can see me doing things. And I get on at the kids about helping.
The kids are starting to resent me because I’m always the one having a go, wash your dishes, hang the towels up, put things away etc. which they should be doing anyway but I get on at them even more when I realise how stressed hubby is about it. He does tell them in a jokey will you clean up after yourself way. He’s also the one they call to get picked up, to get taken places because he always says yes but then he moans at me because he’s sick of it so I make a stand and say no and he doesn’t making me look like the MFH.
I also work from home and although I don’t make great amounts of money the money I do make pays for Xmas each year. I also do school runs and pick him up from work each day. Along with my many hospital appointments.
I realise that he’s working full time then coming home and doing everything but I promise I’m doing what I can.
Every time we argue about his drinking somehow it’s me that’s saying sorry.
We had an agreement a few weeks ago, after my daughter had come to me upset over his drinking. We agreed that he would only have 1 bottle a night except for Saturday when he would drink whatever (he sleeps in till 12/1pm Sundays)
He hasn’t once stuck to this and I’ve not said a word till last Thursday (he’s got work 7am Friday) he was clearly drunk so I asked him what he has had and he said 1 bottle. He was obviously lying but I left it then Friday roles round and again obviously drunk so I ask him how much he’s had he says 1 bottle I ask him to promise (promise is an us thing, I have some trauma from my dad lying to me continuously so promise means absolute no bs and I rely on this promise when I’m feeling vulnerable, to me ‘promise’ is sacred)
He promises. I have already scoped out how much wine he has though. He had bought 2 bottles one of which he ‘hid’ so I go in the kitchen and sure enough the hidden one is empty in the recycling hidden by other bottles lemonade milk etc (even though he’s done the recycling tonight) and the other bottle is on the side 1/4 filled with what I assume is water (he drinks red wine so it was clear)
So I take a deep breath and go say this to him. He says well he did it on purpose to see if I was checking up on him. What?? I just walk away because getting into a convo about this is pointless when one side of us is struggling to keep upright.
So he goes to bed.
Morning comes round I drop my eldest and her bf off at the train station for their holiday, go home and we go to my youngest footie match it’s 820am.
I’m barely talking to hubby.
When we finally talk it goes like this ..
Me Why did you drink so much
H I had 2 bottles
M we agreed you’d only do that on Saturdays
H right
M so why
H because I had a stressful week and wanted to relax
M you did it Thursday too
H right
M you promised me and you lied
H I only did that to see how much you were checking up on me you know more about what I’m doing than you do our son (which btw is hilarious since if I leave home he rings to see where I am what I’m doing who I’m with, life360)
M what
H you heard you were checking up on me
M (crying at this point) you aren’t getting it you promised me, you know that’s sacred
H well you were checking up on me
M ok

End

The rest of the day I attempt to talk about it here and there. He’s swept it under the rug and is in normal mode meanwhile an argument like this leaves me shaken for the days (I know I get it dramatic but the stuff he says leaves me feeling like I’m going crazy, like I’m the biggest bitch in the world. I should be giving him a break, he works hard, he’s a fab dad, amazing hubby and I’m just being a lunatic and need to get a grip)
So at some point I tell him he can’t carry on like this, he’s having 80-100 units a week I’ve researched it so many times, what it can be doing to his body, his mental health and to his family.
I tell him the nhs says 14 units max for men, he says I know plenty of people that drink way more than I do plus the doc said it was ok (he went to the docs years ago for health check up and apparently doc said it was ok, he wasn’t drinking as much then and probably didn’t tell them the full truth)

I tell him I can’t see our hea if this carrries on and he scoffs ‘how are you gonna do everything I do in the house’ (this is a thing he brings up regularly because he knows I can’t and obvs don’t have the parents anymore to help and I’d be fecked without him)

I ask him to please please cut it down.
He says he’s going to AA this week, I get very excited till he says he’s going to go to prove he isn’t an alcoholic and it must be a compulsion because he feels like he has to drink in time to whatever he is doing.
And that’s that. Saturday night he drinks his beers and 2 bottles. Sleeps in Sunday till 12.

We have a nice day together then I work some he takes youngest out for a bit.

Sunday night he drinks 2 bottles falls over the chair, spills wine all over my clothes (I keep a bag of clothes downstairs as I spend most of the night 4am onwards on the couch and so I don’t have to go back upstairs to get dressed) falls about and goes to bed.
And now we are here back to normal, he’s at work, I’m dropping kids off, working from home, going to appointments, getting kids, getting him, coming home, working some, feeling guilty for not pulling my weight.
He’s doing his usual messages after a weekend of tension-
You are incredible xxxx
I love you with all of my heart xxxx
I miss you so so so much xxxxx
I am very much in love with you boo xxxx

And I feel so sad and scared. I’m scared he’s going to get poorly and die. I don’t want him to go through a horrendous illness like my parents, I don’t want to be without him. I don’t want the kids to lose their dad, I don’t want the world to lose this amazing man. I have told him this, these exact words.
What the hell do I do? Is it me? Do I need to stop being such a moaner and just leave him to it?
Sorry I know it’s a long post. I am open to any help/suggestions but please be kind, I’ve never posted before, I know there will be errors so I apologise xxxx

This is a very long message and you’re getting lost in too much detail (probably because he uses this detail to gaslight you). you really only need to know a few things:

1. you can’t change someone who doesn’t want to change
2. an addict will always lie and make promises they can’t keep because their addition rules their life.
3. addicts drink for an underlying reason. Usually childhood trauma etc. your husband will only get sober when he wants to, and the process will only work if he is able to face his demons and do the work on himself, which is very very hard.
4. listen to your children. They are telling you they are scared and upset.
5. don’t listen to stuff about letting them go until they hit rock bottom. Rock bottom is too late for some people. Encourage him to get help. If he can’t do the steps above then you need to think about leaving him. Don’t wait for 10 failed attempts and a load of false promises.
6. AA isn’t for everyone.
7. He may need some kind of managed rehab if he has withdrawals. His GP can help with this. (Eg prescribe heavy tranquilizers under a managed detox plan)

Yes, me too. I was married to an alcoholic and the 2 things definitely do not go together. He would've incinerated the dinner and the ironing as well, so I'm intrigued to know how the OP's DH performs these daily tasks.

The 3cs of alcoholism are you did not cause this, you cannot control this and you cannot cure this.

He is the only one who can decide to stop drinking here. And he is showing no indications at all of wanting to actually stop.

He is in denial and does not want the OPs help or support. She is too close to be of any real use to him here, not that he wants her help anyway.

He's not ready for rehab of any sort and he would anyway need to enter that of his own accord. As it is he would be wasting the precious place that could instead go to someone else who would benefit from it.

Chuck him out, he can go and be a sloppy drunk somewhere else. Your children will remember this period of their lives forever. Speaking from experience.

You can’t change him, you can only change yourself. What do you want for your children and yourself? You have choices you need to plan them out and take them.

You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You can't cure it.

That's the mantra of Al Anon (the support group for family/friends of alcoholics).

You need to leave OP, for your sake and your DC's sakes.

If you feel like you can't do it yet, at least find your local Al Anon and go along to the meetings. You will meet people who can help and give you the strength to do what you need to do: https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/find-an-al-anon-meeting/

Im a substance misuse nurse in a residential unit where we conduct clinical detox safely for alcohol/drug addicts.
I can guarantee that with those amounts of units he is drinking daily..... it is not about 'unwinding', 'relaxing' etc. He physically needs to drink to avoid being very unwell. This will be why he goes to bed early on a Monday; he will feel dreadful!
It would be totally unsafe or even fatal for him to stop cold turkey so unless he is willing to ever wean down slowly over a period of time; chances are that he would require a 14 day clinical detox with substances that safely minimise withdrawal seizures etc. This is the easy part.
The brain of an addict who's body has a physical dependency is rewired permanently and that is why 'once an addict, always an addict' is often said. He would have to openly manage and treat the cause of the addiction and learn to never rely on substances again once in recovery.
A visit to his GP would be the best place to start even just for a little health check which may actually help him realise what this poison is doing to his liver, kidneys and stomach etc. As a daughter of an alcoholic (died at 56 liver failure) I still have sympathy for anyone struggling with substance dependency, honestly, nobody wants to be an addict! Feel free to message me for any support groups wtc for yourself or your husband if he is willing to engage 😊

Growing up with an alcoholic parent fucks up your children. Your kids are already feeling the effects so much that they're telling you. Growing up with substance abusers was your norm and now you've normalized it for your kids by staying with an alcoholic. He's not a fantastic dad, stop lying to yourself.

Split up. Got to AlAnon. You're not doing your kids any favours here. He likely would need inpatient rehab with a medically managed detox, but that's for him to manage.

Leave, put your children first.

I’d insist he leaves and start divorcing. Never understand why people advise the wife/mother and her children to leave. He needs help and consequences for his behaviour.

His need to drink overrides everything else, it doesn’t matter what you think or say, the alcohol is his priority. He might say he loves you and your children, and that’s possibly true, but not as much as he loves alcohol. He’s not going to stop.
You should accept that and then choose your path accordingly.

Against the grain here, but the poor bloke sounds like he has a lot on his plate. No wonder he drinks. He’s not evil, he is drowning. The condemnation is very unedifying. Nuance anyone?

The drink is his one true love. You can't and won't change him, so don't waste your breath trying.

Protect your kids. My aunt stayed with my alcoholic uncle and now barely speak to her. It ruined their childhoods and they can't forgive.

You need to leave. Come over to the Alcohol board - we have a long running series of threads where women just like you come together for advice and support. You will get some tough love, but equally we will give you the strength you need to get yourself and your children out of this.

Already your husband is NOT functioning. He is awful to you and the DC, he is slurring and falling down. None of that is functional. He is drinking at least 100 units of alcohol a week - this will be impacting his health, and you already know what that looks like further down the line.

You should also be aware that having an alcoholic for a parent increases the risk that your children will be alcoholics too. Save them from that.

You know he's an alcoholic, and you know there is no point in talking him about it, or trying to police it, because he lies. You know it won't change unless he goes to AA. You know you can't control it or change it.

All you can do is decide whether to stay or go. So sorry x

Given that it takes the body one hour to metabolise one unit of alcohol, how sober is he when driving the DC around? Also, buying miniatures is a red flag - easy to throw in a litter bin if topping up during the day. I’d guess he is drinking more than OP thinks.

It sounds like he’s functioning extremely well for an alcoholic, perhaps because of this he hasn’t felt the need to stop. Hasn’t reached rock bottom.

would you be able to film him when he’s drunk and being horrible? Show him back the film when he’s sober?

It also seems you both really love each other. In your shoes I wouldn’t leave YET but I would 100% tell him he needs to acknowledge his problem and seek help within the next month.

also tell him there’s nothing wrong with going to bed at 9pm! He’ll wake up the next day feeling like a new man every day! He can replace the wine with something else to unwind!

OP, maybe consider going for counseling yourself or to al anon or another organization that helps family members of alcoholic. Your OP shows you are articulate and insightful but also shows how confused you are. You seem to be slating him one moment then minimising his behaviour the next. Speaking to an inpatial third party who is trained to help, might help you organize your thoughts and work out what you need to do.

it’s really scary to be have to think about leaving him but surely the thought of staying with him is even scarier.

I had a very similar situation with my ex husband. Hiding alcohol, gas lighting and manipulation when I called him out on it. He broke so many promises about getting help. In the end I found out he had been having an affair. To be honest it was a relief because I could just ask him to leave.

My children were young thankfully so I think the impact on them was minimal. His partner ( the one he had the affair with!) Is having the same issues with him ten years later and now they have a beautiful young baby. I really feel for them.

I also have a very stressful job but I know how much of a slippery slope alcohol can be. Get out while you still can and stop making excuses for him. If he was a good dad and husband he would stop.

Im sorry, this is a very difficult situation. The thing is he doesn't want to admit he has a problem so if you push it he blames you. You say 'you promised me" and the issue there is he needs to want to do it himself.

I would wait until hes calm. Then I'd outline calmly that he has a problem- this isnt the odd drink and you care etc. If you think you cannot choose words carefully please write him a letter instead. Advise he gets help.

If he doesnt accept it I'd leave.

This is toxic for you and children, start preparing to leave as soon as you can, he’s in full blown addiction and you need to separate yourself and children from the insanity

OP I hate to say it, but if he is falling over, slurring his words and spilling things, he's drinking a lot more than he shows you. For someone who drinks as often as he does, a couple of bottles of wine should barely make a dent.

1. This isn't reddit
2. That post was wayyyyy too long
3. As a child of two alcoholic parents I wish someone had taken me away from the situation. So leave.

I echo this. As the daughter of an alcoholic father (somehow still going) and an alcoholic mother (dead), don’t expose your children to this. One of my siblings is on the same trajectory and it’s horrendous watching history repeat itself.

You were the child of 4 alcoholics and you are married to one. You deserve better. It’s all you have ever known. You can’t change him. You can’t control him. He loves alcohol more than you or the children. You can leave him. You don’t have to put up with this anymore. Would you like your children to perpetuate the cycle into the next generation? I’m guessing not. It’s time for you to get help for yourself and break the cycle.