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Original poster

Can you past previous bad behaviour? And how?

40 replies

Notanotherusername25 · 30/09/2025 09:28

Changed my name for this as I’m a bit embarrassed really.

Been with ‘D’H 15 years and we have two kids.

We met when I was 20 and he would have been 27.

I didn’t know any better when we first met and he was a shit partner. Drinking loads, never celebrated my birthday (including my 21st), I once had an operation and he just went to the pub…

When we had kids he didn’t help at all, was really resentful I wasn’t doing more in the newborn stages ie I was at home so why wasn’t the house tidy and dinner cooked as he was working.

There are lots of examples over the years of how shit the relationship was but I was young, naive and just grateful he wanted me which seems so ridiculous now.

Over the years I obviously grew up and wouldn’t tolerate it anymore. He stopped drinking entirely and hasn’t for years and is generally a much better person all round. Great with the kids and just not such an arsehole.

However, even now things are much better I just can’t move past how he has treated me in the past. He has said sorry for some things but says it like ‘I have said sorry so you really need to move on’ but I just can’t.

What is your advice Mumsnet? I feel bad splitting what is now a fairly happy household when the kids are happy but I just resent him immensely for all he has done before.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notanotherusername25 · 30/09/2025 09:30

The title should be can you move past…

As to not drip feed. We had marriage counselling but he still didn't see the issue in his apologising half heartedly was not enough for me to move past it, which is what the counsellor said.

OP posts:
Bringitonicancope · 30/09/2025 09:42

It doesn't sound as if he is sorry for how he behaved. He certainly hasn't taken on board, or seems to care how his awful behaviour impacted you. And he is denying you the right to your own feelings.
It sounds as though he has changed his behaviour because it suits HIM and not because he saw it as wrong or regretted the impact on you.
So I don't blame you for being resentful. And I don't see how this feeling will change, other than to intensify, given his attitude to the past and to him now denying your feelings.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 30/09/2025 09:49

Notanotherusername25 · 30/09/2025 09:30

The title should be can you move past…

As to not drip feed. We had marriage counselling but he still didn't see the issue in his apologising half heartedly was not enough for me to move past it, which is what the counsellor said.

What exactly will help you move past it?

Is there anything he could do at this point that will allow you to move past it? Because if not, then whats the point in carrying on?

Original poster
Notanotherusername25 · 30/09/2025 09:54

I think I could only move past it if he was sorry and I don’t think he will ever be genuinely sorry.

It just seems a shame for the kids when they are so happy but I really don’t like being so bitter. I can’t look at him some
days.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notanotherusername25 · 30/09/2025 09:55

@Bringitonicancope I think you’re right. He isn’t sorry, he’s just sorry I won’t put up with it anymore.

OP posts:
VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 30/09/2025 10:08

Notanotherusername25 · 30/09/2025 09:54

I think I could only move past it if he was sorry and I don’t think he will ever be genuinely sorry.

It just seems a shame for the kids when they are so happy but I really don’t like being so bitter. I can’t look at him some
days.

The thing is, you're using his words to determine whether he's sorry, rather than his actions.

It sounds like he's changed massively for you. He's stopped drinking, he's stepped up as a partner and a father. That to me shows he's sorry far more than anything he could say.

If that's not enough, if it's too little too late, then I completely and utterly get that. But I'd suggest that if his actions haven't been enough, then any words, no matter what they are, aren't likely to be either.

Pezdeoro41 · 30/09/2025 10:14

Do you feel that, resentment aside, this past behaviour had a negative impact that continues in some way OP? For example, has his lack of help impacted your career or your friendships?

Original poster
Notanotherusername25 · 30/09/2025 10:25

Yes, I had to stop studying so we could afford rent so I never qualified in anything or had the opportunity to study again. I’m quite bitter about that as he got to go to uni but dropped out third year as he drank so much.

The main impact is he just ruined what were meant to be nice life events. Events I will never get to do again.

When we had our first we had moved for his job so I was all alone and he wouldn’t help. Went to work and the gym and made me feel shit for not doing more. It was a very traumatic birth that resulted in intensive care for us both. He went to work the day we got home from hospital.

Our wedding he fell asleep drunk before the guests had all even left. I ended up downstairs with guests while he was passed out in bed, it was humiliating.

Any birthday has just been a wash out. We always have cakes for the kids and I do this on his birthday, as the kids love it but I always have to buy my own birthday cake so the kids aren’t disappointed.

He used to go out drinking and come home with women’s numbers or they would add him on facebook. He claims he never physically cheated but he had no care for how this made me feel. I would often be working when he was doing this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notanotherusername25 · 30/09/2025 10:26

I should have ended it within weeks of meeting him but I just didn’t know any better.

I was from a single parent parent household and they were an abusive alcoholic so my standards were rock bottom.

OP posts:
Brightbluesomething · 30/09/2025 12:47

Sounds like you’ve tried couples counselling and communication which are the usual things to improve how you both feel.
If he has genuinely changed and is meeting all of your expectations now, what exactly do you need from him? Sounds like you want him to beg for forgiveness? Will that really help?
So many men say the right things convincingly but don’t change. If he has then at some point you’re going to have to let go of your resentment. Or leave a happy family for things he can’t now change?
Maybe you need to work through your feelings with a counsellor alone.

Original poster
Notanotherusername25 · 30/09/2025 12:51

Brightbluesomething · 30/09/2025 12:47

Sounds like you’ve tried couples counselling and communication which are the usual things to improve how you both feel.
If he has genuinely changed and is meeting all of your expectations now, what exactly do you need from him? Sounds like you want him to beg for forgiveness? Will that really help?
So many men say the right things convincingly but don’t change. If he has then at some point you’re going to have to let go of your resentment. Or leave a happy family for things he can’t now change?
Maybe you need to work through your feelings with a counsellor alone.

I think you have kind of hit it.

I don’t want to go to counselling for his actions. I resent him too much to do that, which is a shame but he caused this, not me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notanotherusername25 · 30/09/2025 12:51

Brightbluesomething · 30/09/2025 12:47

Sounds like you’ve tried couples counselling and communication which are the usual things to improve how you both feel.
If he has genuinely changed and is meeting all of your expectations now, what exactly do you need from him? Sounds like you want him to beg for forgiveness? Will that really help?
So many men say the right things convincingly but don’t change. If he has then at some point you’re going to have to let go of your resentment. Or leave a happy family for things he can’t now change?
Maybe you need to work through your feelings with a counsellor alone.

I think you have kind of hit it.

I don’t want to go to counselling for his actions. I resent him too much to do that, which is a shame but he caused this, not me.

OP posts:
UpDownAllAround1 · 30/09/2025 12:53

The guy has stopped drinking. What more can he do?

Original poster
Notanotherusername25 · 30/09/2025 13:26

Perhaps have any remorse for ruining my 20s?

Yes, I should have left but it doesn’t make it ok.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notanotherusername25 · 30/09/2025 13:27

And he was pretty awful sober too, some
of those examples are nothing to do with drinking.

OP posts:
GeorgeMichaelsCat · 30/09/2025 13:31

How I am reading this is that you are putting a lot of the blame on how your life turned out onto him and some of it will be your own actions. He has changed his behaviour and as PP said what good are words now?

I think individual counselling might help you. Good luck.

UpDownAllAround1 · 30/09/2025 13:54

So you may have another manchild to look after. You are unhappy and resentful. Therapy for you or decide whether you can move past it

Original poster
Notanotherusername25 · 30/09/2025 15:25

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 30/09/2025 13:31

How I am reading this is that you are putting a lot of the blame on how your life turned out onto him and some of it will be your own actions. He has changed his behaviour and as PP said what good are words now?

I think individual counselling might help you. Good luck.

That’s a good point.

I am angry at myself for putting up with it but I don’t think he is without blame.

It can be hard to leave that kind of relationship.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notanotherusername25 · 30/09/2025 15:26

UpDownAllAround1 · 30/09/2025 13:54

So you may have another manchild to look after. You are unhappy and resentful. Therapy for you or decide whether you can move past it

I think I know I can’t really.

It’s probably best I read some of the threads with divorce advice.

When I have spoken about is separating before he said he would take everything. The house and the kids if he can.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notanotherusername25 · 30/09/2025 15:28

His family are wealthy so he said he would just get his Mum to buy me out.

I don’t have any family wealth behind me so couldn’t afford the legal support he will be able to get.

OP posts:
UpDownAllAround1 · 30/09/2025 15:31

just because he said it, does not mean that is true. More bullying tactics. You need legal advice ideally from a recommended solicitor

perfectcolourfound · 30/09/2025 15:32

His response to the idea od divorce shows you the person her is.

He is clearly not sorry for how he treated you.

He couldn't take the house and children... that's just talk. Don't let him bully you into decisions that only benefit him.

Original poster
Notanotherusername25 · 30/09/2025 16:02

No, I know he can’t but let’s be real… more money makes it easier.

I earn an average UK salary so I would be ok but not exactly coining it.

OP posts:
BuckChuckets · 30/09/2025 16:59

I'm sorry OP, the bad memories you have around special occasions, the 'I didn't PHYSICALLY cheat so you shouldn't be upset', I think it's understandable that you can't get over things and you shouldn't have to. Especially as he's obviously not particularly sorry.

Original poster
Notanotherusername25 · 30/09/2025 18:59

No. The awful thing is I would like him to just go.

I almost wish he would cheat and leave me so he was gone.

OP posts:
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