Can you past previous bad behaviour? And how?

[Notanotherusername25]

Changed my name for this as I’m a bit embarrassed really.

Been with ‘D’H 15 years and we have two kids.

We met when I was 20 and he would have been 27.

I didn’t know any better when we first met and he was a shit partner. Drinking loads, never celebrated my birthday (including my 21st), I once had an operation and he just went to the pub…

When we had kids he didn’t help at all, was really resentful I wasn’t doing more in the newborn stages ie I was at home so why wasn’t the house tidy and dinner cooked as he was working.

There are lots of examples over the years of how shit the relationship was but I was young, naive and just grateful he wanted me which seems so ridiculous now.

Over the years I obviously grew up and wouldn’t tolerate it anymore. He stopped drinking entirely and hasn’t for years and is generally a much better person all round. Great with the kids and just not such an arsehole.

However, even now things are much better I just can’t move past how he has treated me in the past. He has said sorry for some things but says it like ‘I have said sorry so you really need to move on’ but I just can’t.

What is your advice Mumsnet? I feel bad splitting what is now a fairly happy household when the kids are happy but I just resent him immensely for all he has done before.

Sad you can’t go back in time OP and resentment will eat you up and will only get worse with time. Is there anything he can do to save this relationship? His actions have changed but is that enough - Is there anything else he can do? Take your time to really think this through it’s a big step but if you have truly had enough and don’t love him don’t stay.

Has he really truly changed though?
Or just gotten less bad?

You're saying that he still doesn't do anything for your birthdays even to this day so it doesn't sound like he values you, currently.

No, I buy my own birthday and Christmas presents. He does occasionally buy the odd thing.

I know it sounds childish but he has never taken me on a date and I wonder what a normal relationship is like when it starts.

To threaten you with taking the kids if you split up…. and the thoughtlessness around your birthday. He doesn’t seem to have changed really? Did he improve his behavior because his empathy suddenly improved or for another reason that would benefit him, for example you were going to leave?

He stopped drinking because I said I would leave and I would have done. That was before we had kids.

His behaviour is better than it was. He is good with the kids but doesn’t do any life admin or anything like that.

The dog is meant to be in the vets today so shouldn’t have been fed and he fed the dog, despite me asking him not to.

I think he deliberately tries to make my life harder but pretends it’s always an accident.

He sounds awful, OP. It doesn’t sound like your relationship can be salvaged.

Has he really changed? Or has life just got easier.

For example - If you had to go into hospital for an operation would you feel confident he would be kind and caring when you came home from hospital?

I would suggest he hasn’t really changed. He has stopped drinking, which has led to an improvement in certain aspects of his behaviour and parenting. But fundamentally he is a not particularly nice man who doesn’t really like or respect you, whether he is drinking or not. Good luck OP, you sound like a lovely person.

Why waste any more of your one and only precious life with him?

He blighted your twenties, and now resentment is poisoning your thirties. You’ve never experienced being loved, cherished and supported.

I’m not saying the grass is greener, and with your history, I’d strongly suggest staying single and learning to love yourself and treat yourself well before letting anybody in. The Freedom Programme is excellent too.

I bet he isn’t on the internet looking for advice on how he can make up for mistreating his wife?

Ultimately, you've fallen out of love with him and he still doesn't care enough about you, as a person, as an individual, to actually do better. If a man doesn't want you to leave but wont do anything to ensure you actually want to stay, he doesn't want you, he just doesn't want his life to change. A truly decent man would be horrified at his past behaviour and be going above and beyond now to make up for it, and he's still not even doing the bare minimum. You have fallen out of love. That's it. That's the reason to leave. You dont want to teach your kids that this is it.

@FirstdatesFred he wouldn’t go to the pub but he wouldn’t help me. He’s always really cold to me when I’m ill. I don’t really know why but he resents it. I feel really conflicted when he gets ill as I can’t help but helping him and it builds the resentment again that it’s not mutual.

@Underblankie that’s part of it, I would like a nice marriage. I know it’s silly but he won’t do any DIY ever, so I struggle to keep up with it, painting and things. I see so many people who don’t even have to ask for that kind of support, it’s a team effort. Even if I ask he says no.

I would love to be single for the foreseeable. I was having a daydream about it yesterday and a house just being for me and the kids, it would be so peaceful.

I suppose it’s trying to leave but I am just so worried about the financial ability to actually go.

Well the impact on the kids is the worst bit but I do worry that my kids see how he treats me so I think it would be better for them.

You can't go back. Too much water under the bridge. Too much resentment. He is never going to deliver what you want, let alone what you need.

Yes, you won't have money but you will have your freedom. Plus your kids will get a mum who is happier in herself.

I think for me it's a deal breaker.
It's not too much to ask for a partner who is kind and caring towards you when you're ill. That should be a given and very important to me. They're supposed to love you.

You're right to focus on whether you want it your kids to see how he treats you and think that's a good relationship.

I've been where you are and I feel for you, because that moment of realising that you want to/have to leave but not knowing how to do it is so so hard.

Mine made similar threats about taking the kids and house etc. but it's all hot air.

It won't be easy but you can get through it if it's what you want.

A few years on and my kids and I are settled in our own little home which is a safe and (mostly!) calm place.

Thank you.

It’s really sad that I am not sad if you see what I mean?

It is literally just logistics to me.