Will I regret leaving after 20 years ?

[Lucie390]

Married for 20 years and 2 older teens

I’ve been saying to my DH for past 18months that some things need to change in our marriage and they are deal breakers. I don’t want to go into detail but the way he talks to me from time to time, the examples he’s setting to our kids by shouting /speaking badly to me. That type of thing. It’s slowly making me quite repulsed by him, turning me off him, but obviously I didn’t say that to him just I find it hard to accept and tolorate and I don’t want to be married to that type of person. I just knew that if we don’t make some changes this would eat away at our marriage and here we now are.

He’s ND and so doesn’t see my perspective as clearly as someone else might. Always has an answer but ultimately loves me and says he’ll work on it. Outside of these things he’s a loving husband and father however, I’ve been firm I won’t tolerate this and it’s apparent he can’t or won’t change. Now what do I do ?

I’m financially stable, have family around me so that’s not the issue. But after 20 years I’m paralysed in fear that I’ll regret this. He’s a good man but has faults that he can’t change and I don’t think he wants to. I think we have both hit 40/50 and have the attitude of maybe it’s just not working so why should one person change. I think he thinks this is who I am love it or hate it.

I’ve found myself longing to be in the house or a new home without him. Having the kids with me and just feeling freer and more at peace as this has been weighing heavy. I just want calm if I’m honest but I also understand life’s not as easy as that. Also the grass isn’t always greener.

You might. You might not.

I think it’s all really depends on how well you think you’re going to be able to build a life without him on the one hand you’re going to have relief not being with somebody who is frankly nasty to you on the other hand, you’re going to have to do everything all by yourself.

There is a small potential that you will meet any partner, but in all honesty the men who are available at a late stage in life tend to want a younger model, or there’s a reason that they are still available.

How much money would you be bringing in? How many assets would you be able to have in your name? Do you have a wide circle of friends or the potential to make one? Do you have hobbies to fill your time? Is your lifestyle such that you need two incomes to support it?

as an alternative, are you able to create yourself some distance from him? Remain married but live your own life?

I work with divorce lawyers and you’re entirely correct that the grass is not always greener. It’s hard living as a single. you don’t have as much money. Sometimes it’s really lonely. So you need to think for yourself about what your future would look like and whether that’s acceptable to you.

Is it that he can't change, or won't change?
I think the answer either way will affect any decision you make.

I can sympathise with this - ultimately, it’s ok to put yourself first. If you’re not happy with your life then this will manifest itself anyway. If he’s not prepared to change/fight for the relationship then it won’t ever improve. It sounds like this is one of life’s big changing moments for you. I wish you good luck!

I’d walk away with enough to buy a small property outright and also some savings. I work part time but don’t bring in much. I would get a part time job as I have barely any friends so know I’d need to rebuild my life, it’s been mainly the 2 of us for 20years. We have many long standing couple friends that we have had since we were teens but they are mostly going through similar or moving away as kids are now st
uni, I know it would require some work to get out there and make friends which I’m happy to do.

I think me looking into the future is what is making me want to leave, how do I want my future to look ? Not like this ! So if things don’t change then I’m left with no choice ?

I don’t want to be here in 10 years and then having to start this process.

I just don’t want to make the wrong decision, we have been very much in love until we weren’t so it’s heartbreaking.

Sounds like you have the means to start a life without him so you genuinely have options. On the emotional side I do find living with someone who is ND and struggles to see things from other people's perspective very difficult. I feel belittled sometimes when my views or even knowledge are dismissed by him. These feelings have actually strengthened as we have got older and the children have moved on. But I still stay because the good times outweigh the bad and I know for sure that he cares for me. Not a helpful response sorry - I just recognise your dilemma.

This sounds familiar. When the kids were young there was so much going on i just dismissed any problems, but now they are more grown up and also seeing him speak to me in a not so nice way I feel I can’t tolorate it. You’ve hit the nail on the head. It’s the inflexibility, the feeling of being dismissed, he’ll actually sit and listen to me and it can look like I’m being heard and he’s being understanding, but he’s just pacifying me. He’s lack of taking this seriously when I said don’t push us to this place let’s work on it is an example of this.

We have lots of good times but they are getting less and less unfortunately.

I actually did try to explain once that if he accepts he has aspergers (diagnosed) and the traits that go with that, then isn't it possible that I find his way communicating with me upsetting. It did look like a light bulb moment and he later apologised. I hold my own alot more now but I can see that he still thinks he's "always right" - not the perfect phrase but you know what I mean.

I could live with that, but it’s the speaking to me like I’m a piece of dirt, I can’t have my children seeing this. My eldest has even spoken up and he’s shouted at her. We have quite a complex family dynamic so I’ve made excuses but now I’ve given an ultimatum that these things can not continue and he’s agreed yet nothings changed,now what do I 😞

I feel I’m backed into a corner now. He’ll see that I’ll tolerate and it’s all hot air me saying I won’t. I also am acutely aware I have impressionable teenagers seeing this.

Can yu see yourself living this way forever? Once the children leave it will just be the two of you - how does that sit with you? Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life?

It’s interesting though isn’t it- if you started speaking to him the same way at times - like dirt- I think he might suddenly “understand” why it’s unpleasant and why it should stop. He wouldn’t be all like “that’s ok, that’s just the way she is”. I bet he would take it more seriously and be less dismissive if it was happening to HIM. Why does him being neurodivergent means it makes him talk to you like dirt? I never really understand that aspect.

Yes your situation is different to mine and your teenagers do deserve a calm and caring home with parents who show respect for each other. You sound like you could manage the practicalities of leaving and seem optimistic about building a social life. Of course the children's father would still be in their lives - any ideas about how that would work?

No it’s not and this what’s driving me to take leaving more seriously. I’m just very torn as it’s such a huge decision. I’ve told him how serious I am and he think it’s not been such a big deal and I’m being dramatic.

They are older teens so I’m guessing he’d take them out for dinner a few times a week.

I can’t even think ahead that far at the moment it’s like I’m stuck.i don’t want things to continue as they are, he can’t change but we can’t move forward in any way. I’ve suggested councilling but he won’t. We had councilling years ago after a difficult few years (only 3 years into the 20 we’ve been together) and he hated it. Typically found someone giving advice hard to swallow as he’s a know it all.

Joint counselling with someone who emotionally and verbally abuses you is not recommended. It is not recommended anyway where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. And as you saw many years ago, he is not receptive to being counselled. Such men too hate women, all of them.

You may have told him how serious you are but you're still there and have not seemingly made any plans re divorce proceedings. He has learnt that until now at least you do not follow through on any threats to leave him so he does not take you seriously.

Re ND is he formally diagnosed?. Even if he is, there is no justification here for you to be abused like you are and your kids need to learn as do you the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

He does this because he can and he's likely grown up seeing similar at home too. He is your common or garden abuser and now your kids are too clearly seeing his abuses of you as their mother. Given time he'd likely start on them too. Your teens are of the age where they can choose re their dad.

Seek support also from the likes of Womens Aid and start to firm up plan re your exit from this abusive marriage.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. You would not want them to be in such a marriage either but you've been showing them that currently at least this is still acceptable to you on some level. In turn your kids may well wonder why you are still with their dad.

He will not make it at all easy to leave (and will be obstructive throughout and post divorce as punishment for you having the gall to leave him, this oh so perfect specimen) but it's a damn sight harder to stay within an abusive marriage. It also does your kids no favours to see that either because they could well go onto emulate similar themselves.

@Lucie390 I divorced my husband after 25 years. Different circumstances, but I've never regretted it. It changed my life for the better in so many ways. I'm nearly 60 and am looking forward to the rest of my life, whereas before I dreaded it. Every day I wake up and no longer have that awful sinking feeling. Life is good.

He doesn’t need to see it from your POV he just needs to make you feel valued, loved and supported, that’s what husbands do. It’s not hard to not talk to someone like crap. Have you asked him why he talks to you this way and does he talk this way to anyone else?

The hardest part is we have wonderful plans for retirement and things we want to do in the next 10 years before that. I really look forward to that but it’s these out borers and over all being difficult that’s I’m struggling with and won’t put up with. May I ask did you find that she played a part ? He’s always been a bit difficult, very inflexible but his kindness and loving nature outweighed it. Since hitting 40 he got more inflexible and stuck in his ways. Now at 50 even worse. This plays a big part too.

And do you think these so called wonderful plans for retirement will be worth it?. Honestly I'd cut my losses now and start planning my exit seriously from this because the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Make your own wonderful plans for you going forward. He has not changed in all the years you have known him and he is certainly not going to become either nice or respectful toward you (and in turn your kids) now.

Maybe take a holiday on your own, away from all the “noise”. Clear your head. Answers will come.

@Lucie390 I'm afraid things only get worse. They get more entrenched the older they get and there was an escalating level of abuse in my case. Things that I initially dismissed as being just his character, tipped over into full on emotional, financial and sexual abuse. We too had plans for retirement which were fabulous on paper, but when I inserted him and his behaviour towards me, the reality of those plans would have been a living nightmare.

One of the things that I learnt from Women's Aid post separation, is that there is a grieving process for the life you thought you had/were going to have and the person you initially thought they were. I also learnt that him being kind and loving at least part of the time is typical of an abusive relationship. It is the thing that keeps you in it. If they were horrible all the time, you would just leave wouldn't you?

Yes abusers are not nasty all the time otherwise no-one would want to be with them. What this man has shown you is the nice/nasty cycle of abuse throughout your marriage and it's a continuous cycle to boot. I daresay he speaks to his work colleagues a lot differently as to how you and your children are treated.

Are you prepared to work full time and remain single - potentially forever?

If so, pull the plug now and file for divorce.

If not, get counselling for yourself and try and sort out where and how you want your life to go.

But, whatever you do, stop drifting.

Wow yes life’s that black and white

I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t stay single forever, I’m sure there’s more than one person out there for us but I’m not even thinking about that.

How do you know if need to work full time.

have you ever considered maybe replying with some compassion or kindness to someone who’s going through a life changing time and struggling ?

It's not for him to decide what you should and shouldn't tolerate. That's your decision alone and your line in the sand is where you draw it.