Will I regret leaving after 20 years ?

[Lucie390]

Married for 20 years and 2 older teens

I’ve been saying to my DH for past 18months that some things need to change in our marriage and they are deal breakers. I don’t want to go into detail but the way he talks to me from time to time, the examples he’s setting to our kids by shouting /speaking badly to me. That type of thing. It’s slowly making me quite repulsed by him, turning me off him, but obviously I didn’t say that to him just I find it hard to accept and tolorate and I don’t want to be married to that type of person. I just knew that if we don’t make some changes this would eat away at our marriage and here we now are.

He’s ND and so doesn’t see my perspective as clearly as someone else might. Always has an answer but ultimately loves me and says he’ll work on it. Outside of these things he’s a loving husband and father however, I’ve been firm I won’t tolerate this and it’s apparent he can’t or won’t change. Now what do I do ?

I’m financially stable, have family around me so that’s not the issue. But after 20 years I’m paralysed in fear that I’ll regret this. He’s a good man but has faults that he can’t change and I don’t think he wants to. I think we have both hit 40/50 and have the attitude of maybe it’s just not working so why should one person change. I think he thinks this is who I am love it or hate it.

I’ve found myself longing to be in the house or a new home without him. Having the kids with me and just feeling freer and more at peace as this has been weighing heavy. I just want calm if I’m honest but I also understand life’s not as easy as that. Also the grass isn’t always greener.

The advice given was sound and well intended. No need to be so prickly. There's every chance too that you might stay single forever. As someone else has already said, dating over 50 as a woman is grim. If that's particularly important to you, you need to factor it in to your decision. Being single however isn't the worse thing in the world.

I left my husband when I was late 40’s with older teens for similar reasons. I just couldn’t stand it anymore. As he got older, his attitude towards me was getting worse. His kindness diminished and his love for me faded. Intimacy dwindled and then stopped.

He was more angry at perceived injustices, less interested in my life, resentful of my hobbies and just downright miserable at times when his negative attitude and hate of anything that he perceived as wrong (immigration/Bad drivers/old people slowing him down in supermarkets etc) would lead to angry outbursts.

He was once a kind and loving man but this changed once he hit his 40’s. We did counselling once too and it was a waste of time as it was a female counsellor who he felt was favouring me so he knocked it on the head after 2 visits!

I left at 47 when the kids were 18/20. I couldn’t bear the thought of another 30 plus years of him and so I instigated the divorce.

Financially it has been much harder. I now have a small house but it is mine and owned outright. I’ve got it just how I want it and the peace is glorious. The kids coped with it ok as they had experienced the same behaviours. I went from PT to FT and now earn enough to have a reasonable life but not extravagant or flash.

He moved on within 6 months and now lives with his new partner and her kids (crazy as he always moaned about ours)

I date now and again but enjoy the peace to be honest and have just been on holiday with a group of solo travellers to Vietnam which was on my bucket list. It was great.

i am 52 now and looking forward to my future, not dreading it.

Of course I’m prickly, my life is falling apart so just try and keep that in mind when you reply.

But they really didn't say anything that warranted your response. They were perfectly reasonable in what they said.

If you are balking at the idea of separating for yourself, then do it for them. They are growing up in a household where it is normal for dad to be shouting at you and at them. That really isn't okay, is it? They need to see mum take a stand on this one and put a stop to it one way or another.

I’m in roughly the same boat. Together 25 years, he isn’t a bad man but too much has happened for us to ever be what we were. Drinking too much, not taking an actual interest in the kids, speaking to me like I’m stupid etc I’ve had the talk 4 times now, coming at it from different angles. He KNOWS what I need, he just thinks that if he ignores it, it will go away. We don’t interact, haven’t had any physical contact in 8+ years and sometimes it seems like he actively hates me. I wish I could say there are good times to balance it, but there isn’t, there’s just “meh” times. I know I need to leave but I’m so scared of not coping financially. But then I think that I’m more scared of being in this same situation but worse in 10 years time. I can’t decide what to do and it’s killing me I think. I wish I could help you AND me!

I could live with that, but it’s the speaking to me like I’m a piece of dirt, I can’t have my children seeing this.

They are already seeing this. You cannot protect them from his abuses of you and in turn them whilst you are all under the same roof.

The emotional harm being done to your kids is incalculable but it will go onto affect them in adulthood and in their adult relationships particularly if you were to choose to stay with him.

Seek legal advice eyeslikethesea and do not rely on mere supposition. Do not solely let your financial concerns put you off leaving him. You need knowledge here re the finances and divorce and knowledge is also power. Indeed it is far worse for you to be in this same situation in 10 years time because he's had a further 10 years to wear you down into a husk. This is a slow death by 1000 cuts so do not do that to yourself. Your children may well have left home long before then and do not bother to see you all that often because of their dad.

You have a choice re this man just as the OP does with hers; make better choices going forward with both you and your kids at the forefront of your mind.
You would not want your kids to be in this sort of relationship either and you also deserve better. Stop showing them that this from their dad/your H is still acceptable to you on some level. They probably wonder of you why on earth you are still with him.

I left after 23 years . We’d both changed and his plans for our life didn’t match up with mine anymore , he used to be full of ideas for travel for when the children were older but by the time we had more freedom he didn’t want to do anything or go anywhere with me , i think it got to a point where he didn’t even like me anymore but thought we were settled.
we had an argument about the fact i didn’t want sex with him one night and told me to leave so i did and it was the best thing I ever did . I think I’d just waited for a reason to go. Our children had left home by then , I moved into a rented house that i absolutely loved and made it a home .
He was very shocked as I was “the love of his life “ but i never felt it , I was chief cook and bottle washer that was it .
After 12 months I went for a divorce and happened to meet a lovely man and we’ve been together for 15 years now and very happy , I was prepared to be on my own and look after myself which I think made a huge difference .
You do need to see a solicitor to speak to someone who can help you with the financial side though as I was a bit of a pushover regarding pensions and financial settlements .
Would it be possible for you to have a break for a few months to see how you feel after time away from him ?
good luck, i hope it works out for you .

The question I would be asking myself is how comfortable are you going to be with your little grandchildren listening to how he speaks to you? How happy would you be if your DD’s dh spoke to her in the same way?

Life is too short to be so unhappy for years and years. You may be able to remain friends.