Old flame

[springbabydays]

Seriously, I'm talking 25 years ago. It was brief but intense. Haven't seen him but been writing off and on.

We've both lived separate lives all this time.

Why is it suddenly back and strong? Especially when my life is settled and I'm happy?

Soul mates? You'll always circle back to eachother 💗✨️

Peri/menopause?

OP if you’re settled & happy I’d be leaving the old flame burn itself out ..
I wouldn’t be blowing up my world somehow for a what if 🤷🏻‍♀️..
You’re settled & happy & the old flame stirs feelings of excitement..
I’m presuming you have a husband / partner cause you’re saying you’re settled , kids maybe also ..
If you jeopardise that for this guy , trust me it’s not feelings of excitement you’ll have then x

Yep!

Unlikely to do anything. He's far away too. But I am just feeling a lot right now 🥺

It’s so easy to see these people with rose-tinted glasses. 👓 You don’t share the day to day mundane crap with them and have to negotiate aging parents, the house crap, kids and so on together. This stuff is hard and a strain on the best relationship.

It’s no match for an outsider to sparkle away without any ties to your daily grind.

Stay sane xx

Do you have a partner and/or kids?

Yes and I'm very grateful for everything I have.

I just needed to talk about this somewhere. It's slightly overwhelming and has been for a good couple of months now.

Thank you for the advice guys x

And yet you said 'unlikely' to do anything??

Don't blow yours and your family's life up for this.

I'm sure it'll probably pass. I'm keeping it all bottled in.

Choose them. Cut off contact now and choose them. It’s that simple.

Not sure keeping it bottled in is the best idea for you. There’s something wanting to be expressed and I wonder what it is. It could be useful to talk things through with a counsellor if you can afford one (nhs waiting lists tend to be long). Use it as a chance to address yourself, be compassionate to yourself, allow all sides of you to be heard.

This could be a great catalyst for personal growth and understanding. This isn’t about this old flame, it’s about the part of you that has been awakened by him and you can explore who that is and what she needs and why in a safe, confidential space without hurting other parts of yourself or your family.

tell me more about the perimenopause link… this feels quite relatable!!

Thank you so much for this.

You've made me quite emotional. I don't really understand it and maybe I should try?

Why do I have this sense of longing when I already have everything I could want?

❤️❤️

I met up with my first love a few years ago. We had split up when I met my husband, and we just did the 'happy birthday' posts on Facebook.

Then in 2020 he sent me a message on my birthday with a picture of an album that we would listen to together. I thanked him, and reminisced over it with him and then the flirting started. He lived in France and I lived in the UK and we said it would be nice to meet up. My marriage was over at this point and I hadn't been touched in years, and the thought of seeing him, hugged him again was too strong.

We met up twice. Once in a hotel in Cambridge for 2 nights and once in France for 2 nights. I fell hopelessly for him and he said he felt the same, but then his true character started to come out. He would ghost me for months at a time ... even a year once. He would then come back all apologetic, saying he wouldn't do it again, only to do it again. I felt more depressed during those years than anything. I would wake every day thinking he would be in touch, only to go to bed sad and lonely.

He messaged me in February 2022 to say that we needed to plan our spring get together, and after a year I wrote to him and told him to fuck off.

I had a similar experience - slightly more complex for a variety of reasons but I can clearly relate to that feeling of yearning. A couple of things I found really resonated with me; one was books by James Hollis (Jungian psychotherapist) and particularly ‘Through the Dark Wood; finding meaning in the second half of life’. Made me examine my own life and the parts of me I’d neglected along the way. Another thing was listening to a podcast by Nick Cave who talks about yearning being part of the human condition, at least for some people and how he connects this with a search for spirituality. His writings in the Red Hand file also touch on this at times. I think there is great benefit in listening to this feeling and it is far more complex than just cheating versus being a good wife/mother etc. Good luck!

So sorry that didn't work out for you @Belladog1 😢

Thank you @Insaneinthembrane this sounds like something I need to look into. Really appreciate your advice.

When you're older, you're likely not putting yourself out there trying to attract a new person particularly if you're happy and settled.

The old flame hotting up makes you feel young again - it's baked in attraction without effort. BUT. 1/ It's attraction to a memory, like replaying an old film. It simply doesn't exist any more and recreating it would never feel the same. It might at first, but it would wear off because his place in your timeline is in the past, brief but intense. It was done then and it has absolutely no legs to be anything now.

2/ They say "they always come back" and that's usually true. Men circle back, even years later. But don't get it twisted. It's not because of you. It's because they need attention for their ego and you are proving a willing tool to supply it in this moment. He messages, you respond, despite the fact you're happily married. How great must that make his ego feel? That a married woman will sneak around to message a man she saw 25 years ago?

Choose integrity and loyalty to your unwitting husband. It just makes you a better, less suggestible, less malleable person and don't let this man from the past use you to bolster his self-esteem.

Don’t do anything stupid.

Whatever you think it will be like in your head, it won’t be in reality.

It's the excitement of possibility without the humdrum work.

Peri does weird things to your mind! It’s a bit of a classic time for looking back over your life and questioning your past decisions and also wishing you had done certain things differently.

DSis and I are going through it together and both agree that there’s something about it that makes everything quite intense. Emotions seem to be very close to the surface and there seems to be a longing for deep, meaningful relationships. I seem to be needing lots of reassurance from DH where I was always really secure in that in the past (and he’s a v attentive husband anyway!) DH is trying hard to understand why his formerly v laid back wife is so high maintenance at the moment!

I would do your very best to shelve these thoughts- they are unlikely to represent reality and if you let them sit in your mind for too long you could do something you later regret. Remind yourself of all the good things you currently have.

@springbabydays I was in this situation 8 years ago. I was settled in a relationship with kids but I wasn't really in love with my partner, I do think I just settled. Anyway to cut an extremely long story short, this guy I had known before my partner - I always knew there was an intense spark there. (Call it soul mate/ twin flame whatever - I'm not a fan of the labels but it was definitely out of the ordinary). Eventually it got to a point I couldn't hide my feelings for him from my partner and it all came tumbling out one day. Coincidentally?!!! I then bumped into this guy and I just knew I had to leave my partner. Not necessarily for him, it was that he made me realise I wasn't happy in my current situation. So I did and it was very tough at first, I remained single for 5 years whilst my ex got with someone else pretty quickly! I didn't end up with the guy (he's married now) BUT and I still find this part funny 😂 I met my current partner 3 years ago and he is the spitting image of him!! It's very weird. But I'm actually really happy with him and currently expecting a baby together. So life really can work in mysterious ways, I never thought I'd end up here as I really was quite obsessed with that guy thinking he was the 'one'. So my advice really is to follow your heart and do what you think is the right thing all around for everyone involved

Thank you everyone for your considerate comments. It's quite interesting actually when I look closer at it.

I think on reflection it's a bit of an ego boost for both of us tbh (even though there is actually no flirting at this point).

I'm trying to be measured and keeping busy at home, trying to focus away from him.