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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

At a loss

35 replies

Peps2408 · 29/09/2025 20:49

Good evening, this is my first post on such a forum. I'm not even sure where to begin. Here goes. My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years nearly 7, in the beginning it was easy, he worked, we would do things together. He moved into my house after about 1 year as he was in a caravan and it was making him ill especially during the colder weather and it made sense financially. Fast forward, he then got lazy, he won't help around the house, we don't do anything together, we basically live separate lives. He stays up all night on FB which means he doesn't get up for work. In the last 5 years he has probably had 6 jobs becuase he's always late or rings in sick when he is not. The last 6 months have been really difficult, he has been unemployed with no rush to find a job. Tells lies when asks or gets really defensive. He has 2 children, his 15 year old got kicked out and now lives with us. He got kicked out for stealing, not going to school, doing really poorly in school, not washing, talking back to his mum. So he never spoke to me about it, he just went off and got him and told me it was happening if I liked it or not. Now I've been partner the kids lives for the last 6 years but the partner won't let me say anything to them. If his 9 year old uses his fingers for tea them wipes them on my furniture, I can't say anything. They don't flush the loo, I can't say anything. His 15 year old has only been at school 8 days and already been late 3 times and got a detention. I can't say anything. I am a firm believer in kids getting an education and always have been. Boyfriend had a rocky relationship with his ex wife but now they talk every day. He would rather go and speak to other people than communicate anything with me. I was in hospital with a collapsed lung and I got a taxi home from hospital becuase he was at the pub. He avoids all conversations that are difficult. He acts like they never happened. He has zero respect for me and I am now starting to see that he has been using me as a walking ATM. I don't give it to him, he uses emotional blackmail and how he needs fuel for his car to get the other son etc. I told him on Saturday that I was done with the bull shit, done with being treat like shit, being blamed for everything and that I would rather be single. I told him I was don't with being blamed for everything. He walked back in from being with his mates and has said absolutely nothing, acting like nothing happened. I'm struggling becuase I have never argued in front of the kids but I am so ready to blow my top and just tell him to get out. Am I being unreasonable, over reacting or being difficult? It's like walking on egg shells all the time in my own house.

OP posts:
middleagebumpyroad · 29/09/2025 20:56

Just one of the reasons you have listed is enough to kick them all out for!

cryingalot123 · 29/09/2025 21:01

Kick them ALL out asap!! Your being took for a complete mug. None of them care about you at all. You’re just a hotel. Sorry to be so blunt. Seriously get rid of this LOSER BUMMM of a man and get your life back your dignity & self worth. X

Squishydishy · 29/09/2025 21:03

Complete cocklodger. Tell him it’s over, give him a week/ month to move out whatever you feel is fair. Then change the locks. Call the police if he gets violent: have a friend over while you get him out

TwistedWonder · 29/09/2025 21:03

So does this prince contribute financially m? Or are you paying for him and his feral offspring?

You know he’s taking the piss and needs to go like yesterday

Phonicshaskilledmeoff · 29/09/2025 21:06

I don’t understand why you’re posting? Do you need advice on how to make him leave?

Peps2408 · 29/09/2025 21:08

I was in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship with my sons dad for 19 years and vowed I would never put myself through it again. Now I find myself somewhat back again. I can never understand why men are like this. He's wanted for nothing, I've supported him for so long. Yeah, I am a mug and a fool. I do feel bad in some respect becuase I know he has no money, nowhere to live, no job can't get benefits becuase he never paid into the system and his mum won't have him becuase of the way he is. He lied about drugs and gambling and yet stupid me felt sorry for him. I seem to attract arseholes

OP posts:
Peps2408 · 29/09/2025 21:08

I was in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship with my sons dad for 19 years and vowed I would never put myself through it again. Now I find myself somewhat back again. I can never understand why men are like this. He's wanted for nothing, I've supported him for so long. Yeah, I am a mug and a fool. I do feel bad in some respect becuase I know he has no money, nowhere to live, no job can't get benefits becuase he never paid into the system and his mum won't have him becuase of the way he is. He lied about drugs and gambling and yet stupid me felt sorry for him. I seem to attract arseholes

OP posts:
AnotherDayanotherNameChangeX · 29/09/2025 21:12

He should’ve been long gone years ago. Tell him and his kid to pack up and get out of your house, and if he doesn’t you need to ring the police. You deserve much more than this waste of space

GoldDuster · 29/09/2025 21:15

You can't say anything? You only need to say one thing and that is, you are all moving out by the end of the week, I don't want any of you living in my house.

Why he behaves like this is none of your business, your business is to make sure he does it far away from you.

TwistedWonder · 29/09/2025 21:15

You’re in another abusive relationship with a cocklodger.
Him being skint and having nowhere to go is not your problem. He’s taken you for a mug for years - he’s a grown man, his shitty life choices are on him.

DO NOT feel sorry for him - stand firm and tell him he needs to go NOW

Edenmum2 · 29/09/2025 21:16

What on earth could he find to do on Facebook all night long?!!!

Pinkladyapplepie · 29/09/2025 21:19

Kick him to the kerb and reclaim your peace. Please report back telling us all you have moved on and are enjoying having less stress, more money and a greater enjoyment of life. 💕

dollyblue01 · 29/09/2025 21:24

Yeah get rid of him, he’s an absolute waste of space and has no respect for you, kids and him can go back to his ex

BigBirdOfPrey · 29/09/2025 21:33

EVICT EVICT EVICT
not just from the house, EVICT from your life! ALL OF THEM!

Send him back to his trailer!

ApricotCheesecake · 29/09/2025 21:36

OP I'm sorry to be harsh but you attractive arseholes because you let him treat you this way. Raise your standards!

TwistedWonder · 29/09/2025 21:39

After your abusive relationship OP , did you have any therapy or do the freedom programme? Because unless you learn from your previous experiences, you will always be vulnerable to abusive twats who seem to have a radar for women who will tolerate their bs.

Pancakeflipper · 29/09/2025 21:42

It is your house.
The relationship.is over
They all need to leave.

slipperypenguin · 29/09/2025 21:50

you need to tell him he’s out

Fishingboatbobbingnight · 29/09/2025 21:54

The bullshit has has spun you about not being able to get benefits because he hasn’t paid into the system is just that . Complete bullshit. There are two types of benefit for the unemployed in this country . One is contribution based (you need to have paid a certain amount of NI into the system in the two previous tax years to qualify. You then get Jobseekers Allowance (contribution based) for up to six months while you look for work. Even if your partner is working and bringing in a wage .So if he hasn’t done that he won’t get it . However - the other type of benefit is income related . Doesn’t matter if you haven’t paid into the system. If you have no income you claim universal credit as unemployed and you will be paid a personal allowance and housing allowance depending on the approved rate for his circumstances in the area he will be in.

He won’t get this while you are earning. So ANOTHER excellent reason to send him packing . If he is on his own he will get benefits. So chuck him out without a single guilty thought of him being destitute. He won’t be.

Cadenza12 · 29/09/2025 21:56

Why are you allowing this to continue? You feel sorry for him when he shows no interest in you whatsoever. Your life doesn't have to be like this.

Endofyear · 29/09/2025 22:21

Sorry OP but if you act like a doormat, people will walk all over you! You should have kicked him out AGES ago. Do it now.

SandStormNorm · 29/09/2025 22:23

Cock lodger who will bleed you dry of every penny. You like to adopt and rescue people. This is why your boundaries are off. Don't be a nurse with a purse. I know how it is as I was like that, until I learned not to be through a few bad experiences. Leeches target kind people as it is their career to make their lives as easy as they can, and at the expense of others. After I learned to prioritise me, it was quieter, calmer and less money rolling out of my pocket. You are not responsible for him or his kids. Remove him from your house, get the police involved if needed on the basis of domestic violence. He is financially abusing you and has no self respect if his life centres around scrounging money and child-minding services off you. He won't change. He was single when he met you as other women saw him for how he was. Throw him back in the sea and don't get involved with another man until you learn to put yourself first, and to listen to those early red flags that save you from drama. Change the locks on the house when he has gone. Add CCTV as well. Think of all the money you will save from chucking this waste of space out, and what YOU could buy with that money for your own benefit.

LifeSurvior · 29/09/2025 22:53

I think I get you because I have felt the same way years ago.
It's about feeling this is where you feel like home, this is where you want to put down roots and stay, feel like it's your family house/ environment and you are finally home. I so yearned to move to the coast when mine where little.
I live in Oldham
I couldn't move because of my partners job so bunkered down and made the best of it, made connections, gave it everything.
Now our kids are at uni they come home and see it as the family home so I now feel better, that I do have that family home I dreamed of that has history and lovely memories.
I absolutely know where you are coming from though OP, it's a yearning for that permanent, safe, family house that you can see yourself in when you are old.. I compromised by making the house into everything I wanted just wasn't by the coast as I would have wished.

LifeSurvior · 29/09/2025 22:57

Sorry, this is posted on the wrong thread x

jeaux90 · 30/09/2025 06:06

OP please finish it and chuck them out. it’s you house, take it back and enjoy the peace!

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