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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

ENDED RELATIONSHIP DUE TO SILENT TREATMENT

29 replies

JaneP1964 · 29/09/2025 13:23

I have been seeingguy for 3 years. We are both early 60’s and do not live together.
Looking back he has never liked me going out with friends, which is not often. He sulks and I don’t hear from him for days.
We have both been dealing with matters, I had to sell my matrimonial home and buy another property. He has sold his but has lived with his daughter since, which is now 4 years. He stays at my house most weekends.
We were both single when we met.
Recently he has got a lot worse. We recently got back from holiday and I have to admit on this holiday he was hard work. I found him very negative, whatever I said he was defensive and always tired (He refuses to go to the doctors). He was very depressing. Its now been 6 weeks since we got back from holiday and I haven’t seen him. Message to say he was having an episode of depression and needed to be alone for now which I understood and I gave him the time he needed. I did touch base a few times to see how he was but very rarely did I get a response. His latest response was ‘he was getting there’. He is at work and he does go on social media, so I can’t understand why he deliberately ignores my messages. I even asked if he wanted to call at mine for a coffee after work, but again no response.
After 6 weeks and hardly any communication from him (he also ignores my phone calls, all 2 of them!!) I am now at the stage where I need to break ties.
I had to do this via text as he ignored my call and I can’t go to his daughter’s house to talk as no privacy. I sent a nice message and explained my feelings also count and that he makes me feel rejected and hurt. I have tried to get the relationship back on track but getting nothing back, so sadly its time to go our separate ways. I sent this 2 days ago, he has read it but not replied.
I know I have done the right thing for me but I now feel guilty on him. Should I?

OP posts:

Arlanymor · 29/09/2025 13:28

You feel guilty? I would feel angry that he couldn't be bothered, after three years, to send a simple message acknowledging the end of the relationship.

You've definitely done the right thing, but don't waste a single second more on reflecting on this situation. Onwards and upwards.

Arrivederla · 29/09/2025 13:28

Do not feel guilty - you did absolutely the right thing!

TwistedWonder · 29/09/2025 13:29

Sorry OP but I think he’s told you loud and clear the relationship is over so stop trying to contact him and send him ‘nice’ messages. He’s ghosted you and behaved appallingly - block him and walk away.

He's not worth the headspace you’re giving him.

Lindy2 · 29/09/2025 13:35

You've done the right thing. You don't need to be weighed down by his moods. I don't think he values the relationship so from the no contact I'd say it had run its course anyway. You did the mature thing and formally ended it rather than just let things drift.

pikkumyy77 · 29/09/2025 13:38

Do some thought blocking. When you start to fell guilty put on some music and dance. Or take the fog for a walk. Or do some floor cleaning.

The important thing is to assert, out loud, “its over.” Whatever he thinks of feels is no longer your problem to solve.

Saltpepperetal · 29/09/2025 13:39

It sounds OP that he checked out of your relationship when you returned from holiday. But he didnt have the decency to tell you.
You've done the right thing telling him formally that it's over.
You can move on with your life now. You are much better off without him.

fedup078 · 29/09/2025 13:51

Don’t feel guilty op
you’ve done what he wanted
he doesn’t want to be in the relationship anymore but instead of having the balls to end it and tell you that he’s basically just ghosted you and forced you to do it instead.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/09/2025 13:53

Well done for ending it yourself.

Don’t feel guilty for him. You feel
that because you are a nice person whereas he is not. His silent treatment of you is in itself an example of emotional abuse do the relationship was over anyway. He’s been showing you the nice/nasty cycle of abuse for almost three years.

Look at enrolling yourself into the Freedom Programme as your boundaries will have been further messed with by this man now.

KimHwn · 29/09/2025 13:53

He ghosted you OP. Prick.

Original poster

JaneP1964 · 29/09/2025 13:54

Thanks everyone. Yep I have probably just made it easy for him. Onwards and upwards.

OP posts:

Shakeyourbaublesandsmile · 29/09/2025 13:54

Being depressed but still able to function at work and on social media doesn’t excuse home from being a rude arse

No you should feel guilty
Book another holiday give yourself an upgrade

Original poster

JaneP1964 · 29/09/2025 13:55

Sorry, I forgot to add that a couple of weeks ago i text him to ask if he still wanted the relationship and he replied, Yes I do but do you, thats the question.

OP posts:

fedup078 · 29/09/2025 13:57

JaneP1964 · 29/09/2025 13:55

Sorry, I forgot to add that a couple of weeks ago i text him to ask if he still wanted the relationship and he replied, Yes I do but do you, thats the question.

Eugh . Some of them genuinely never grow up do they?

Riigers · 29/09/2025 13:58

You did the right thing. At this stage of life, you really don’t need that hassle and immaturity.

Block him now.

Candyflosies · 29/09/2025 14:00

I cant stand the silent treatment from men or women its the lowest of the low for me.
Especially if you know you have done nothing wrong.
It makes you think and question yourself.
Looking through all the chat history to be sure.

Also the people that say they are your friends but never text or call you or reply back for weeks on end because they are busy.

But both types of these species come back when they need something or you just give up trying.
Thats when i say sorry to busy to talk ill get back to you in a few weeks then block them.

pikkumyy77 · 29/09/2025 14:01

Its nit fair to say he dumped or ghosted you. This passive aggressive, unpleasant, sulky, avoidant relationship was what he liked. He took mini vacations from you all throughout. Snd he enjoyed the fawning/clinging honeymoon period when he allowed you back in. Stop thinking about what he said or didn’t say. Start looking at his actions. Men will always do what they want. Always. If he lijed cutting you off periodically then that’s how he lived.

Onlycoffee · 29/09/2025 14:04

The silent treatment is a form of abuse.

It's particularly insidious as in the absence of communication you begin to second guess yourself as there's no response.

The issue is left open ended, you are left wondering, there's no closure or end for you.

And this is how guilt sneaks in, you're interpreting his silence as pain or hurt, trying to make sense of it.

But it is a tool of abuse, meant to destabilise and undermine you.

You have no reason to feel guilty, draw a line under it and move on.

YelloDaisy · 29/09/2025 14:05

pikkumyy77 · 29/09/2025 13:38

Do some thought blocking. When you start to fell guilty put on some music and dance. Or take the fog for a walk. Or do some floor cleaning.

The important thing is to assert, out loud, “its over.” Whatever he thinks of feels is no longer your problem to solve.

Preferably I Want To Break Free by Queen on full volume😂

Arlanymor · 29/09/2025 14:11

JaneP1964 · 29/09/2025 13:55

Sorry, I forgot to add that a couple of weeks ago i text him to ask if he still wanted the relationship and he replied, Yes I do but do you, thats the question.

Oh goodness me, what a horrible response. You are one million times better off out of this relationship. Honestly, he sounds awful. You deserve better.

kiwiane · 29/09/2025 14:13

Well done - he sounds such hard work.

dotdotdotdash · 29/09/2025 14:22

JaneP1964 · 29/09/2025 13:55

Sorry, I forgot to add that a couple of weeks ago i text him to ask if he still wanted the relationship and he replied, Yes I do but do you, thats the question.

What a cowardly passive aggressive knob head 😡 You are so much better off without him!

Catpiece · 29/09/2025 14:28

Oh tell him to do one. Who needs that in their life.

Lighteningstrikes · 29/09/2025 14:36

His silence says all you need to know.

I agree with others that it is deeply abusive and harmful.

Well done for ending it with the sad bastard 💐

WatchingTheDetective · 29/09/2025 14:39

I'm shocked this is an older man and not a young teenager who has no idea how to behave.

I'm really sorry he's treated you so badly, but don't let yourself have any more contact with him. Something's going on and I doubt it's depression. He was hard work on the holiday. He's negative. That's so draining for you.

Leave him to it now.

ThreePears · 29/09/2025 15:18

Well done for ending it. You do not need an awkward, cantankerous, uncommunicative git in your life.

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