DS hates me after I left DH

LoftyRobin · 29/09/2025 07:42

He doesn't want to come. That's all there is to it. It isnt fair on you, but your son has his own perspective of the issues in the family.

Original poster

GhostlyRaven · 29/09/2025 07:43

I am concerned as after school he’s on his phone or x box til his Dad gets home, he makes himself a microwave burger for tea and sorts himself out. He’s happy to do his own thing and I think it’s fine occasionally but not all the time. He’s still only 13 and needs a home cooked meal, another adult and someone to help with homework/etc.

OP posts:

UpDownAllAround1 · 29/09/2025 07:47

He sounds quite adaptable and capable for a 13 yo. Let this settle for a while

EllaPepper · 29/09/2025 07:49

i have been there OP, and it’s very hard. i left the family home for the same reasons as you, over 2 years go. 2 x DS aged 14 and 16 at the time. 16 yr old refused to come to my new house for over a yr. i saw him a lot - he just wouldn’t come over. what broke the ice eventually was that my broadband failed, and i couldn’t get my laptop to reconnect. DS is big into tech, so on the off chance i asked if he could come and have a look. to my surprise he agreed. he now comes over 2-3 times a week, with sibling.

i did the same as you OP, consistent contact in other ways, consistent open offer to pop in whenever he wants, consistent message of love etc. your DS will get there. just keeping loving him.

Original poster

GhostlyRaven · 29/09/2025 07:51

UpDownAllAround1 · 29/09/2025 07:47

He sounds quite adaptable and capable for a 13 yo. Let this settle for a while

He’s very independent, likes his own company and he is a proper homebody. Loves his room too. It’s very difficult though to find a balance between letting him do as he pleases and insisting he comes down. I need a middle ground. I don’t think it is in his best interests to have limited contact with me and to be allowed to make all the decisions about co parenting. It’s difficult at his age though.

OP posts:

Francestein · 29/09/2025 07:52

I would be most concerned about parental alienation being the reason for this behaviour. Any way of finding out if he feels responsible for his dad’s wellbeing.

arethereanyleftatall · 29/09/2025 07:53

I really really feel for you op, but there isn’t anything you can do to force him. It is probably wonderful for him to play Xbox,eat burgers and not get bugged about homework all in peace. That is the unfortunate reality for you. He is old enough to choose. But 13 yos can be twats, but they grow out of it, so just keep being nice and he’ll come back. I’m sorry op.

Original poster

GhostlyRaven · 29/09/2025 07:56

Francestein · 29/09/2025 07:52

I would be most concerned about parental alienation being the reason for this behaviour. Any way of finding out if he feels responsible for his dad’s wellbeing.

Edited

That is one of my concerns. My mother in law and ex have definitely done their best to turn him against me. Some of the language DS uses don’t seem to be coming from him. In his eyes his Dad can do no wrong and is the victim. I’m the villain now unfortunately.

OP posts:

LochSunart · 29/09/2025 08:01

@GhostlyRaven Your care for your son shines through. Pick a moment when he's in a good mood and have a conversation with him about this, perhaps on neutral territory, perhaps when he has something he can pretend he's distracted by. When my eldest was young and struggling a bit with our separation, I remember walking in the park with him, taking to him while he rode his scooter.

Original poster

GhostlyRaven · 29/09/2025 08:03

arethereanyleftatall · 29/09/2025 07:53

I really really feel for you op, but there isn’t anything you can do to force him. It is probably wonderful for him to play Xbox,eat burgers and not get bugged about homework all in peace. That is the unfortunate reality for you. He is old enough to choose. But 13 yos can be twats, but they grow out of it, so just keep being nice and he’ll come back. I’m sorry op.

Thank you 💕 He’s also being a typical teenager, he’s pushing boundaries, digging his heels in and the more he knows how much I want him to come down the more he pushes back. Ideally I want DS, Ex and I to sit down all together to try and figure things out but ex refuses to get involved.

OP posts:

ForZanyAquaViewer · 29/09/2025 08:04

You’re not going to get different advice here than on the last thread, OP.

Have you looked into counselling for your son? For yourself?

Nagpuss · 29/09/2025 08:08

He absolutely does need to know you love him and care for him but forcing him to spend time in your company is fruitless.
He’s a 13 yo boy. Have you done your research on the teenaged brain?

He is in an age-group that finds parental separation very hard, but in different ways to a younger child. You had a long time to get used to the idea you were leaving; he needs time to adjust. You’ve messed up his life (as he sees it) by insisting on moving out to some other place he doesn’t want to be. He doesn’t care if you were being abused - empathy is often not a teenager’s strong-suit. He probably doesn’t like you very much at all - that’s not to say he won’t like you again in future, but a lot of teenagers despise their parents. Just let him do what he needs to do and reiterate that you love him, that you are always there for him and will take your cues from him as long as you see him sometimes.

Also… Why does he need your help with homework? Apart from the occasional meltdown over physics maximum once a year, my dd hasn’t wanted any help since Y7. He can do it on his own (unless ND?) and if he needs help then he can come and ask.

You are going to be seeing all of this through the relationship-breakdown lens but a lot of this is just adolescence. My dd13 spent a fair bit of her time in her room, now she’s 15 she spends most of her time in her room. She loves being in her own space, with her own stuff. Half the time she’s got headphones on listening to Spotify while she is drawing, the other half she’s watching Netflix/YouTube and doing homework. She comes down to look after her pets and for snacks - usually healthy one, but sometimes she’ll put a bowl of fries on the airfryer.

I tolerate this because I can see that she needs to separate herself from me, and become her own person. I don’t force her to socialise with me. There are times of day when she craves company and then she’ll come down and we will play chess or watch something on TV or make cookies. Sometimes she’ll show me her artwork and ask for an opinion or tell me a story about school. But it’s much better if she initiates this. Of course I do yell at her to come down and do her chores or get dinner , but I don’t police where she spends her time in our home.

tripleginandtonic · 29/09/2025 08:20

He's 15, he wants to be in his own home. Your mum is right. However, relationships with your children change and when he gets a bit older he may wish to spend more time with you again.

Original poster

GhostlyRaven · 29/09/2025 08:20

tripleginandtonic · 29/09/2025 08:20

He's 15, he wants to be in his own home. Your mum is right. However, relationships with your children change and when he gets a bit older he may wish to spend more time with you again.

He’s 13

OP posts:

TheCurious0range · 29/09/2025 08:24

Could you do him some homemade freezer meals to keep at his dad's, accepting that he wants to be at home but that's your way of supporting him, this is all quite new give him time

tripleginandtonic · 29/09/2025 08:25

GhostlyRaven · 29/09/2025 08:20

He’s 13

Show quote history

Apologies , I misread. However the sane still applies, presumably hes Y9, I never helped mine with homework at that age and they could be left on their own safely at that age.

Pepperedpickles · 29/09/2025 08:28

I have a son the same age and I know that he would be exactly the same in this situation. He just wants as little to do with us as possible (typical teen!) and spends time gaming, chatting to friends etc. There’s no way he’d want to give that up to come and have tea with me if I moved to a new house. I know it’s very hurtful; I don’t really know what the answer is but I think this is less about his feelings about you and more about the age he is. You’re going to have to pull right back unfortunately.

Original poster

GhostlyRaven · 29/09/2025 08:28

Nagpuss · 29/09/2025 08:08

He absolutely does need to know you love him and care for him but forcing him to spend time in your company is fruitless.
He’s a 13 yo boy. Have you done your research on the teenaged brain?

He is in an age-group that finds parental separation very hard, but in different ways to a younger child. You had a long time to get used to the idea you were leaving; he needs time to adjust. You’ve messed up his life (as he sees it) by insisting on moving out to some other place he doesn’t want to be. He doesn’t care if you were being abused - empathy is often not a teenager’s strong-suit. He probably doesn’t like you very much at all - that’s not to say he won’t like you again in future, but a lot of teenagers despise their parents. Just let him do what he needs to do and reiterate that you love him, that you are always there for him and will take your cues from him as long as you see him sometimes.

Also… Why does he need your help with homework? Apart from the occasional meltdown over physics maximum once a year, my dd hasn’t wanted any help since Y7. He can do it on his own (unless ND?) and if he needs help then he can come and ask.

You are going to be seeing all of this through the relationship-breakdown lens but a lot of this is just adolescence. My dd13 spent a fair bit of her time in her room, now she’s 15 she spends most of her time in her room. She loves being in her own space, with her own stuff. Half the time she’s got headphones on listening to Spotify while she is drawing, the other half she’s watching Netflix/YouTube and doing homework. She comes down to look after her pets and for snacks - usually healthy one, but sometimes she’ll put a bowl of fries on the airfryer.

I tolerate this because I can see that she needs to separate herself from me, and become her own person. I don’t force her to socialise with me. There are times of day when she craves company and then she’ll come down and we will play chess or watch something on TV or make cookies. Sometimes she’ll show me her artwork and ask for an opinion or tell me a story about school. But it’s much better if she initiates this. Of course I do yell at her to come down and do her chores or get dinner , but I don’t police where she spends her time in our home.

Thank you. When I was living in the family home he would mostly be in his room, he would come down for snacks and his tea but then retreat back to his room (pit) I appreciate that at his age he just wants to do his own thing or be with his friends. I’d attempt a quick chat after school where he would mostly grunt! Another attempted chat at tea time (more grunts) and we did have a nice routine of watching a show together at 10pm with a hot chocolate which I miss. It’s the spontaneous interactions I miss, seeing him going off to school, coming home from school, cooking his tea and just seeing him around the house even if he was this grumpy monosyllabic teen. Now any contact has to be planned and as he won’t go in his room down with me it is more intense and he gets bored easily.

Homework - he has ADHD and does need support. I helped with all homework and school admin. DH never helped with homework.

OP posts:

Bellevue858 · 29/09/2025 08:36

Other ideas -

Any mornings you can drop him to school, or pick him up and drop him to his dads? Go for a drive? Go grab dinner? Quicker interactions in neutral territory, plus driving is a great way to connect - chit chat without the intensity of eye contact.

61here · 29/09/2025 08:37

I honestly think you need to leave him be. Accept he's feeling how he feels, and give him space and just patiently wait it out. Obviously keep the lines of communication open. Tell him you love him and are there for him when he needs you.

Original poster

GhostlyRaven · 29/09/2025 08:55

Bellevue858 · 29/09/2025 08:36

Other ideas -

Any mornings you can drop him to school, or pick him up and drop him to his dads? Go for a drive? Go grab dinner? Quicker interactions in neutral territory, plus driving is a great way to connect - chit chat without the intensity of eye contact.

I don’t drive but I’ve been doing that, so the other day we went for a walk, sometimes we get chips after school and sit on a bench or go for a pub meal. He has been good and happily gets the bus down to mine (10 minute bus ride) and busses it back again. He is quite chatty when on a walk. He also loves historical sites and travelling so I’ve taken him to a few castles and soon we are going away for a few nights.

OP posts:

warmapplepies · 29/09/2025 08:57

He doesn’t want to come and you can’t force him. At 13 he’s absolutely fine to be left home alone for a few hours and to sort his own dinner.

WaitingforPoodles · 29/09/2025 09:08

I would ease up on him, honestly. My son is 19 now but at 13 he suddenly wanted nothing to do with me and I wasn't even going through a divorce like you were. I had to give him a lot more space for about 6 months about everything, and then he sort of came back to me and would talk to me again. We are very close now, but at the time, I thought I was completely losing him.

Its unfortunate that this developmental stage is exactly when you have separated from your DH

It will pass.

Dissappearedupmyownarse · 29/09/2025 09:20

GhostlyRaven · 29/09/2025 07:37

I’ve posted a number of times about my situation with my teenager (13) staying overnight with me in my new home. Posting again (sorry!)

I left DH in July and moved out of the family home. I felt like I could no longer stay due to verbal abuse/psychological abuse from DH. The impact on DS has been terrible. He now accepts the situation but is extremely reluctant to be in my new house (50/50 custody was agreed)

Overnights were originally the main issue so I’ve taken overnight stays off the table and I’m trying to have a chilled out approach as to when I see him.

DS is now resisting coming to mine for tea after school (when ex is working) He is basically resisting being here at all. I don’t know what to do about the situation as not seeing him isn’t an option and him being on his own for 5 hours after school most nights isn’t good either. He has the attitude of “you can’t make me. I’ve looked it up. I know my rights etc”

He did come down on Friday for tea and was in a good mood, we watched a show, he played with his sibling and ex picked him up at 8pm.

This week he’s refused to come down at all. What do I do? I had accepted no overnights and was going to make the most of tea visits but they are uncertain now. Should he be calling all the shots? Ex refuses to get involved and says for me and DS to sort it out between ourselves.

My mum says that the price I’ve had to pay for my freedom is DS and it does feel that way.

Any advice please? I’m continuing to reach out, I phone him after school, text him good morning etc.

I'm really sorry to hear this and it must be so hard for you.
Please remember though the emotional impact this is having on your son and he is still a child so won't be making rational decisions with an adults thinking capacity.
He is staying where he feels is safe and familiar. Moving house is difficult enough when you do it together as a family, let alone being separate. I remember moving at 14 and our new house never felt like home, even after 5yrs and I still missed my old house.
At 13, if you went to court for a child arrangement order, they would listen to his opinion and unless he is classed as vulnerable/SEN etc, his decisions will be listen to And most likely implemented within it.

I do however feel that whilst in his dad's care/at his house, it is up to him (the father) to parent your sons behaviour. You cannot interfere with food choices, time spent on electronics etc, just the same as the father cannot dictate to you what you feed your children and allow them to do when they are with you.
Hopefully though, you will both be reasonable about these things and be able to discuss it and co-parent effectively by making choices about food/screen times and how you would like to raise your children even if it is in separate households. I appreciate though that this is rarely the case unfortunately.
Hang on in there and just be available like you are. Show him that you love him and will always be there for him no matter what.

MaxJLHardy · 29/09/2025 09:24

It’s almost certainly not hate it will be fear/anxiety about being destabilised but he won’t thank you for calling it that. You may need to love and support from a distance but if the phone is always on and the door always open he will notice. If you keep communicating he will hear even if you think he’s not listening.