DS hates me after I left DH

[GhostlyRaven]

I’ve posted a number of times about my situation with my teenager (13) staying overnight with me in my new home. Posting again (sorry!)

I left DH in July and moved out of the family home. I felt like I could no longer stay due to verbal abuse/psychological abuse from DH. The impact on DS has been terrible. He now accepts the situation but is extremely reluctant to be in my new house (50/50 custody was agreed)

Overnights were originally the main issue so I’ve taken overnight stays off the table and I’m trying to have a chilled out approach as to when I see him.

DS is now resisting coming to mine for tea after school (when ex is working) He is basically resisting being here at all. I don’t know what to do about the situation as not seeing him isn’t an option and him being on his own for 5 hours after school most nights isn’t good either. He has the attitude of “you can’t make me. I’ve looked it up. I know my rights etc”

He did come down on Friday for tea and was in a good mood, we watched a show, he played with his sibling and ex picked him up at 8pm.

This week he’s refused to come down at all. What do I do? I had accepted no overnights and was going to make the most of tea visits but they are uncertain now. Should he be calling all the shots? Ex refuses to get involved and says for me and DS to sort it out between ourselves.

My mum says that the price I’ve had to pay for my freedom is DS and it does feel that way.

Any advice please? I’m continuing to reach out, I phone him after school, text him good morning etc.

The counselling thing has come up multiple times and you keep ignoring it. I genuinely don’t understand why.

Firstly, your mum is a twat.

Secondly, your son will come round eventually.

I am not ignoring it. Yes I’m having counselling, I would like to have some sort of family therapy with my son or individual counselling for him but he’s quite resistant to the idea. I’m not sure quite how helpful counselling has been for me, she’s lovely and makes sympathetic noises, it’s nice to talk to someone but doesn’t change the situation. I’m focussing on my new home, seeing friends, work, looking after my youngest and planning nice things to look forward to. And in the meantime trying to accept the way things are and to see DS when I see him.

@tripleginandtonic

her mum isn’t right! What was OP supposed to do - put up with abuse so as not to “lose” her son?! No.

Ha ha she’s not helpful but she means well. She sort of voices my worst fears which isn’t helpful. Says how he seems disturbed (he’s not disturbed) and how the light has gone out in his eyes! It’s not. She catastrophes.

There’s not much you can do. Tell him ‘I love you, it’s breaking my heart that you don’t want to come but I respect your decision. You are welcome here ANY time.’ Hours of independence on the PS sounds like bliss but it’s not really is it? Let him feel the loneliness and let his Dad deal with him for a while. If ex is verbally abusive he undoubtably will start this with DS. Right now you’re giving them something to concentrate on - their conversations probably revolve around this and it’s giving them a purpose. My ex used to give son everything he wanted because it was them against me, as soon as I stepped back they didn’t have that my ex started getting on at our son for things that he had always done but he hadn’t cared about until he realised he couldn’t hurt me. Once they realise that they don’t have that level of you needing to have him with you the cracks will begin to show. Keep the lines of communication open, invite him to
things you do outside the home etc. Also, tell your Mum to fuck off, no one deserves to be verbally abused! The way your ex is acting by not encouraging your son to have a relationship with you proves you were right to leave.

I wouldn’t be able to force my 13 year old but it would be total agony so I understand your desperation OP.
remember he’s been parented by an abusive arsehole his whole life, he’s heard and no doubt witnessed how you were treated. That will be normalised to him, there will be an element of agreeing with his dad on how you are treated - rightly or wrongly it’s just his lived experience.

I think your only option is a soft approach and go to him when he doesn’t go to you. Pick him up after school, go out even if it’s macdonalds of Asda - just meet him/ask about school/help with homework/buy new PE kit etc etc - do the things you did when you were at his home/ what was your mum input that he’ll be needing?

13 year olds are head strong and independent but keep showing up for him and it’ll work out.

I would also make sure you have an equally attractive ‘pit’ at your house - sorry but bribery isn’t always bad!
the castles and walks sound lovely, he might not be as distressed with this as you are

Ignore the people taking about therapy. I bust my arse to get my son therapy - my late father took him to the GP while I was working full time and crying that I wasn’t there etc. Finally got help after begging and because son went to ex 50% of the time he just allowed him to skip the appts and son was discharged. Nothing I could do. Your ex won’t do therapy appts because he knows his verbal abuse will eventually come out. Concentrate on your own therapy and if son ever says he would consider doing therapy then of course get him booked in, you stand virtually zero chance of getting him to attend at the moment.

I’ve set up a TV in his room and I’ll probably get a second hand x box. I can’t compete with his set up at home as he has a brand new gaming PC that cost a grand. Ex family recently gave DS £500 towards it (DS had been saving up) so he was able to just buy it outright. Now he definitely won’t want to leave his room!

He comes alive when I take him to historical sites or places that interest him. The key I think is to keep chatting about his special interests (he’s probably autistic as well as ADHD) He’s into politics, statistics and will talk your head off about random facts!

Honestly you post about this repeatedly and you are repeatedly told to stop pushing the poor lad.

You have overstepped and forced things he has asked you to leave.

Just for the best interest of your son, leave him to come round im his own time

My mum says that the price I’ve had to pay for my freedom is DS and it does feel that way.

What a mean thing to say to your own child. As if she believes being abused for the sake of your child is a better option. So sad.

I don't really have any advice to give. I would leave your DS be, but stay in constant contact with him. Text him, send memes, invite him out and have no expectations. Whatever happens one day he will look back and see and understand that you loved him and why you made the choices that you did at the time.

Thanks everyone. It’s also difficult as DS doesn’t like texting or talking on the phone but I text him anyway lol. Tonight is a tricky one, we agreed that he would go to his Dads (family home) straight after school and his Dad is home from work at 8pm. I’ve heard nothing from DS, I’ve tried ringing him and text to check he’s ok. Ex has gone silent too (other issues) It does make me uncomfortable as he’s still a child and I’d like to at least know he’s home safe from school. Ex has limited access to a phone in work too. Without constantly ringing him, should I talk to him to tell him he does need to let me know he’s home safe after school?

He’s still a child and I don’t think anyone would be comfortable in this situation.

Not an easy situation OP but maybe lean in to what does work. Arrange once a week just you and DS time. Make it away from new home. Your other DC get your time rest of it so go for quality. If he likes walks, politics, going out for dinner or cinema make that the priority.
Not easy to say what you think he needs. He’s telling and showing you loud and clear he won’t fall in line with that and pushing it risks alienating him further. Until the situation stabilises aim for him getting things on an even keel first maybe?

Can’t you track his location so you can see he’s there if he doesn’t call/text you?

I don’t have a tracker on his phone and I doubt he would let me track him ha ha. I’ll try and have a chat to him about just sending a quick text to tell me he’s home safe. He was texting lots when my ex was back, random pictures etc lol.

If I was paying for his phone, I would insist on having Find My Phone enabled tbh

I think you need to back off. Way off. I know it's very hard, but you've said on previous threads that your ex isn't abusive to your son. Also, it is probably nice for him to have space from his high needs brother.