How do I tell him?

[Francesca451]

Currently on a mini break with my bf of almost a year. He's wonderful and I'm lucky to have someone so kind, caring and respectful after fleeing an abusive and violent man previously.
We haven't yet had sex, I've been keen to take it slow and he's been very understanding of this. It's been almost a year together and I can define see it happening soon.
We were being intimate in the hotel earlier and he asked whether I'd like to do it during this trip, no pressure. I said I feel almost ready but would prefer to do it when we go to Scotland next month for a couple of days. He's OK with this but my question is how do I bring up the subject when we're actually there? I mean without it being awkward or sounding too planned?

What do you mean you were intimate in the hotel and Why dont you want to?

He's OK with this but my question is how do I bring up the subject when we're actually there? I mean without it being awkward or sounding too planned?

You just tell him you're ready for sex. I mean after a year, how difficult can it be to tell him that?

If you're "planning" your first sexual encounter and organising it like a train you're thinking of catching , this is most certainly not the right relationship for either of you. It sounds dull and awkward.

Move on. For both your sakes.

A first sexual encounter with someone you really want, especially after a period of time should be like a mini fire work display ! It shouldn't sound like you're walking round IKEA unsure if you want the flat pack shoe hanger or not.

Unless you are on your period, why wouldn't you want to...!

Could be something to do with the abusive and violent relationship she was in previously, just a thought.

OP, if you can’t tell your boyfriend of a year that you want to have sex with him, then I don’t think this relationship is a goer.

Then she needs therapy if she is unable to form a healthy sexual desire for a man she's been seeing after a year.

If you aren't feeling lustful for a man you've been seeing for a year: you don't fancy them.

What's going to change between now and next month to make you feel ready? Why is Scotland a better place for a shag than wherever you are just now?!

Do you need to say anything? You’ve already given him a heads up on your thinking. You’ve mentioned you were being intimate earlier so there is obviously some level of physical activity there. Can’t you just let him ask the same question in Scotland and just say yes? (assuming you want to at the point) I don’t think you need to overthink it really

I can understand that perhaps being the reason she's waiting so long, but when she's ready she's going to have to tell him.

How do you suggest she does that then?

Does it have to be spelled out explicitly? I feel like in such circumstances it would probably be quite alright for you to just initiate something. To which he'll probably respond with something like "are you sure?", which you can simply ignore or deal with in any way you like in the moment.

I don't think she should ignore that question if he asks it.

In fact, she should state explicitly either yes or no.

Without being too graphic, you probably don't tell you just do

She didn’t say she doesn’t feel lustful for him, she has said she wanted to wait

Because she wants to wait?

So much pressure op, honestly why put yourself and h under this much pressure,

The pressure will course you to be disappointed op the what,

Why not let things flow organically, that way you both might enjoy it rather than being under pressure , feeling awkward,

.

Jesus. Why would you rather shag in Scotland?

You told him you'd rather do it in Scotland so trust me, you don't need to worry about how you bring it up again; he will bring it up himself.

"Fancy a shag?" would probably do the trick

"Shall we go to bed?" would probably do the trick.

To be honest, "Hello" will probably do the trick.

You've just primed him for the idea that sex will likely be happening in Scotland. He's going to be hyper aware of absolutely any signal that you want to. You're really not going to need to labour the point.

OP if you’re not ready after a year, kindly why would you be ready next month? I’m a bit confused by this. A year is a long time to wait given that I presume it’s not for religious reasons etc. I understand you’ve left an abusive man. I did also. But when I was ready for a new relationship, my past didn’t impact on me wanting to have sex with my partner. So as others have said, it sounds like you’re not ready to be in a relationship.
But this man has already waited a year so he sounds lovely. So not sure why it would be awkward to tell him when you are ready for sex. After a year you should be very comfortable with each other.
To me it sounds like you’re putting him off as I can’t see how you can plan in advance when you’re going to be ready. But if this is what you decide, there doesn’t really need to be a convo. Surely it can just naturally progress there when you start kissing etc

It should be spontaneous, because of desire. Why all the drama and planning? 🤷‍♀️

This man obviously adores you to date for a year without sex and so when you’re in Scotland, maybe just initiate kissing and let things happen naturally rather than plan it like a meeting agenda.

This.

You don't need to mention it, as with most sex, spontaneity will speak for you.

Sorry to pry OP, so ignore if too personal, but have you had sex with anyone before? Was there sexual violence in your last relationship?

It’s understandable that you’ll feel nervous, but most people would think a year was a very long time to wait these days. I’d second what some other posters have said, and maybe explore some counselling to help you work through what’s holding you back - but only if you genuinely want to have sex with your bf but feel a barrier. You don’t have to want sex (though it would probably be fair to tell him that if that’s what you conclude).