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Original poster

Dating a guy who is abstinent

38 replies

hoolapool · 28/09/2025 11:31

I’ve been dating a guy for a little over a month and recently found out that he is abstinent. He is not a virgin, however, he is waiting to have sex before marriage. I’ve never been in a relationship like this before and was not immediately turned off when he told me this. Just surprised and intrigued. He is also very affectionate and tactile. He is Christian, I am not practicing.

Anyone who has practiced abstinence who can share their experiences? For others would this be off putting?

OP posts:
Hurumphh · 28/09/2025 11:33

It doesn’t matter what others think, and by polling you’ll be muddying your own feelings about it.

What do you feel about it? If you were happy with it, would you be questioning it?

NoCommentingFromNowOn · 28/09/2025 11:38

he is waiting to have sex before marriage

a) he should have en upfront about this, like first date, waiting for a month is poor.

b) if he’s wanting to wait for religious reasons (which is 100% fine) then he will surely be happier with a religious person? ‘Equally yoked’?

Candleabra · 28/09/2025 11:39

Well it wouldn’t be for me, but only you know if you’re happy to go on in a relationship like this.

Main issues I can think of:
Gay but in denial
Doesn’t like sex
madonna/whore complex
V religious so has less than enlightened views about women and their sexual needs in a relationship

NuffSaidSam · 28/09/2025 11:39

Agree with pp, what matters is how YOU feel about it.

It's perfectly reasonable for him to do this/feel this way. He isn't doing anything wrong. But whether you want to partake in it is another question altogether.

WrylyAmused · 28/09/2025 11:41

Agree with the first poster.

Also... How do you feel about sex? How important is it to you? How would you feel if the relationship progressed and then later you found you were sexually incompatible, or he had ED, or a low sex drive, or didn't like giving oral, or any other of many possible incompatibilities?

And if he is strongly Christian and you want children, how would that play out? Would he want them brought up in the faith? What is his view of the roles of men and women in relationships? Does he consider that man is divinely ordained to be the head of the household etc.

It could be fine, and also there could be many red flags arising from his related beliefs...

Brightbluesomething · 28/09/2025 11:43

So he’s had sex before but then decided not to? That’s not waiting for marriage. If it was he’d be a virgin.
Only you can decide if this works for you. It wouldn’t be right for me as sexual compatibility is really important to me. But I’m guessing I’m older than you with a lot more life experience of having incompatible sexual partners.
Whilst posting on her can give you different perspectives to consider, this is your decision.

Original poster
hoolapool · 28/09/2025 11:46

Hurumphh · 28/09/2025 11:33

It doesn’t matter what others think, and by polling you’ll be muddying your own feelings about it.

What do you feel about it? If you were happy with it, would you be questioning it?

It didn’t put me off him. I do like him and I found it attractive the level of discipline and intentionally it requires. Independently of him I wanted to wait and not rush into sex, so him being abstinent makes that a hell of a lot easier as allows more time and space to get to know eachother without clouded judgement. I just don’t know if it’s something I can stick to and be comfortable long term. It isn’t something that’s ever been tested. We both want marriage and kids, but I don’t necessarily want that timeline to be accelerated, which I think can easily happen if sex is off the table.

OP posts:
Hurumphh · 28/09/2025 11:48

We both want marriage and kids, but I don’t necessarily want that timeline to be accelerated, which I think can easily happen if sex is off the table.

Yes it can - been there, done that to my detriment. And have seen it happen lots in Christian circles too.

Original poster
hoolapool · 28/09/2025 11:50

NoCommentingFromNowOn · 28/09/2025 11:38

he is waiting to have sex before marriage

a) he should have en upfront about this, like first date, waiting for a month is poor.

b) if he’s wanting to wait for religious reasons (which is 100% fine) then he will surely be happier with a religious person? ‘Equally yoked’?

I think he should have told me earlier too. How it even came up was a little random, and I asked him directly as something he said about a friend of his made me think he was waiting until marriage.

I’ve questioned him about being “equally yoked” too, as though he doesn’t preach or go on about religion to me, the way he lives his life shows me faith is a big part of how he lives. He said it’s not a problem for him and that everyone is on their own journey. I do question whether he will be this relaxed about it all as things develop.

OP posts:
NoCommentingFromNowOn · 28/09/2025 11:50

Sexual incompatibility is a marriage breaker, best to find that out before the kids come along!

Purplecatshopaholic · 28/09/2025 11:52

It would put me off, but that’s just me. I would worry about his other views in the name of his religion. I would be wanting to know his thoughts on gay marriage, women’s rights, etc.

Original poster
hoolapool · 28/09/2025 11:52

Candleabra · 28/09/2025 11:39

Well it wouldn’t be for me, but only you know if you’re happy to go on in a relationship like this.

Main issues I can think of:
Gay but in denial
Doesn’t like sex
madonna/whore complex
V religious so has less than enlightened views about women and their sexual needs in a relationship

He’s very very affectionate and tactile. I asked about his previous relationships and it seems that penetration is where he draws the line. Feels a bit abstinence-lite.

OP posts:
DiscoBob · 28/09/2025 11:55

I wouldn't date someone who was that devoutly religious. Unless of course I was into abstinence and all the rest of it myself.

I think it would be very foolish to marry someone without knowing how compatible you are sexually.

I guess if you and he were happy with doing 'everything but penetration', and you could still orgasm then maybe it might be bearable.

But I still wouldn't really want to risk it. It demonstrates a certain type of unyielding and possibly quite stubborn mindset that I don't think I'd have much in common with. You obviously might feel different.

Candleabra · 28/09/2025 11:56

So you do everything but PIV sex? Or was that in previous relationships? Is affectionate and tactile just cuddling etc? (sorry if this is too intrusive, you don’t have to answer. It’s just difficult to understand- and would worry me. there’s a world of difference to feeling cuddly with someone and being sexually attracted to them).

FieryA · 28/09/2025 11:58

To each his own. It's his choice. However, the fact he did not volunteer this information at the first date itself would be an issue for me. If he is tactile and you wanted to take things further, it's a very wrong time to find out your partner doesn't. Ultimately it depends on how you perceive it. Are you ok with waiting? Have you guys at least spoken about sex, in terms of likes/dislikes? Is it a no only to intercourse, given that he is tactile? I'd also be curious to know why he has such rules, given that he is not a virgin. Is it bad past experiences or something he wants to try? There are many questions that need clarification and then it depends to what extent you are comfortable with the answers and situation.

ChristmasFluff · 28/09/2025 12:00

For me, this would be a basic mismatch of beliefs. I don't believe there is anything sinful about sex between consenting unattached adults. I would also be suspecting that this was the tip of the iceberg of things we would disagree on regarding faith.

As he is willing to be unequally yoked with an unbeliever, he clearly is picking and choosing which Biblical guidance he is willing to follow, and so I would wonder why he is choosing abstinence.

A mismatch of beliefs would be a dealbreaker for me, even though it isn't for him.

summitfever · 28/09/2025 12:13

I dated a guy like this, he’d do everything short of PIV. He wanted a Christian virgin wife, which he eventually got, but he very much picked and chose what bits he wanted to conform to. Hypocritical bs.

Woodworm2020 · 28/09/2025 12:15

Candleabra · 28/09/2025 11:39

Well it wouldn’t be for me, but only you know if you’re happy to go on in a relationship like this.

Main issues I can think of:
Gay but in denial
Doesn’t like sex
madonna/whore complex
V religious so has less than enlightened views about women and their sexual needs in a relationship

Wow.

MoominMai · 28/09/2025 12:22

@hoolapool okay so your post bringing some PTSD for me. I was in a relationship with someone exactly like this in my younger days and ended up getting married to him. Then found out he was impotent and to make matters worse refused to see a GP about it. I was immediately awarded an annulment.

Hopefully this is not the case for you but just wanted to share experience 🙃.

ShesTheAlbatross · 28/09/2025 12:26

It would be a deal breaker for me. Not because I think there is anything wrong with it, but it would just be a fundamental lack of compatibility over our views of sex.

StrawberryWater · 28/09/2025 12:32

It would be a deal breaker for me.

I'd be pissed he didn't tell from the off and secondly there is no way I would marry anyone when compatibility can't be ascertained before marriage. Like no way would I live a life of potentially crap sex.

Jellybunny56 · 28/09/2025 12:42

It would be a deal breaker for me I think, mainly because sex is an important part of a relationship for me and as we all know someone can seem like the full package, perfect, and just be sexually incompatible.

I’d rather know that before I have a new surname!

Bodypumpmum · 28/09/2025 13:26

What if he was seeing someone else though?

Sassylovesbooks · 28/09/2025 13:32

Usually a person is a virgin, if they are deciding to wait for marriage, regardless if they're religious or not. Your partner doesn't fall into that category. He's had sexual relationships prior, so to me, something happened during the relationship(s) that has triggered his response to sex. I'd be concerned, that he may have ED or some other underlying issue. Or he's had a bad experience with women previously. I'd worry that there may be sexual incompatibly. Unfortunately, some people who have a strong faith, can have very fixed ideas, with little flexibility and compromise. I'd be wanting to know his opinion on various subjects like - women working, splitting household chores, would he want children to be brought up religious (attending church, Sunday school), would he insist on a church wedding, attitudes towards sex in general etc. There needs to be a discussion between you both, so you can guage his attitude. I understand wanting to wait several months for sex, but this likely to be several years, unless he's planning on proposing within a short time of dating!!

IAmThePrettiestManOnMyIsland · 28/09/2025 14:06

I'd be very put off by this. Is any sane woman really going to risk marrying a man first to later find out he have ED or a pickle dick?