Dating a guy who is abstinent

[hoolapool]

I’ve been dating a guy for a little over a month and recently found out that he is abstinent. He is not a virgin, however, he is waiting to have sex before marriage. I’ve never been in a relationship like this before and was not immediately turned off when he told me this. Just surprised and intrigued. He is also very affectionate and tactile. He is Christian, I am not practicing.

Anyone who has practiced abstinence who can share their experiences? For others would this be off putting?

Exactly. I can imagine he disagrees with contraception if he is abstaining from pre marital sex.

I took marriage too seriously to risk being tied to someone I was sexually incompatible with. It is a huge part of a relationship for me, far too important to take a gamble on.

I'd be concerned he was closet gay or so deeply religious that we would be incompatible.

I would just be worrying that he’s absolutely shit in bed!

I'd be wary of anyone who believes in a rigid system of any kind that imposes pointless restrictions on life. Especially as he might be using it as a cover for something else.

“Hurumphh · Today 11:48

We both want marriage and kids, but I don’t necessarily want that timeline to be accelerated, which I think can easily happen if sex is off the table.
Yes it can - been there, done that to my detriment. And have seen it happen lots in Christian circles too.”

This is definitely a risk to be alive to. I don’t have personal experience of this but remember watching a documentary called “True Love Waits” about young Christians in the States who were celibate before marriage. But they weren’t meaningfully waiting - they were just all marrying very young.

I think it would be a nope from me. I wouldn’t necessarily be bothered about the no sex thing. But I think someone who is that committed to Christianity, and especially to a particularly traditional version of Christianity, just wouldn’t be a good match for me. I think you’re right to assume he probably won’t be so relaxed about your non-belief as things go on. I would imagine we’d find some other big differences in our beliefs and practices.

How about oral sex? Or hand jobs? how does he feel
about “wasting seed”. And longer term eg contraception.

Risk is rushing into marriage. Also risk of not being sexually compatible but that’s less of an issue if he is opem
to oral sex.

He's impotent and instead of being honest, he's lying. Once he marries you then you're stuck with no sex and too embarrassed to leave. I would dump him

You have to be careful when asking MN, because (as seen here) the stereotypical answer will be "he is gay". If he comes back from the shops an hour late; gay, if he doesn't respond to a text within 6 hours; gay, if he is more prudish about sex; gay, etc.

If you’re not sexually compatible, you’re signing yourself up for a big problem if you then get married. I would need to know this in advance. I couldn’t date someone like this - too risky

Personally it would put me off as I have a high sex drive and no intention of ever getting married again lol however if it works for you that's all that matters and its for nobody else to judge.
One thing that did jump out at me which might be worth having a conversation about is another post asked about your differing views/commitment to religion and it appears you've discussed this and are happy with the outcome of that conversation, but you say you both want children, have you had the conversation about how much religion your children will be raised with? It might be a good idea to see if you are on a similar page with this as well

He is either -

Just religious
A virgin
Gay
Has erectile dysfunction or other sexual issues that he doesn't want to reveal
Has a low sex drive which makes his religious abstinence a lot easier

Which one of those are you ready to tolerate?

If he is indeed just religious, then it suggests that unless you also convert, that you two might be incompatible in future.

So if he's not a virgin, who did he sleep with?