Private Investigator

[ReallyConfused]

Has anyone every used one? How much do they cost?

Seriously thinking about hiring one.

I think it depends on whether you can live with it or not. I have a friend who has 4 children and her DH is a serial filanderer, but although she wants him to be faithful, she would never leave him as (quote) life without him would be worse - and she gets on with her life and seems v happy! I couldn't. If I give 100% of myself to my DP I expect the same back.

I don't think that an infidelity has to be the end of a marriage (although would have dh's nadgers in a vice if he tried it!) but I do think infidelity whilst going through relationship counselling is, frankly, evil. A male friend found out his wife had continued seeing her lover during their Relate counselling and I think that was the thing that destroyed him the most about the whole failed marriage.

On the other hand, if your dh finds out you've hired a private investigator and he isn't having an affair (although his behaviour is highly HIGHLY suspicious in my view), that betrayal of trust may also cause significant problems during counselling too.

Can you discuss this within the context of the counselling sessions? I think he'll find it much harder to make you feel like a madwoman in front of a counsellor.

ReallyConfused, sorry to say this but he is quite clearly having an affair.

I understand the reasoning behind your question "why doesn't he just come clean and admit it?", but I can offer the other side, if you like.

I had a fling with an old friend 2 yrs ago. It only lasted about 2 weeks, and during that time I only actually saw him twice, as he lived so far away. But the "passion" was maintained through constant mobile calls and texting. My dh found out when he read my mobile. I had not really given any thought to why I was doing what I was doing at the time (other than I felt very unhappy) and I certainly hadn't made up my mind that my infidelity meant I wanted out of my marriage. As long as dh didn't know about it, the choice was mine to make, I had all the power. Once he did know about it, he could quite reasonable leave me whether i wanted him to or not.

So when he confronted me with this bill, and asked me what was going on, I dug myself in deeper and deeper by trying to say that yes, we were flirting a bit, but nothing had happened...

of course he dragged it out of me in the end. I then felt so guilty for lying on top of what I had done, I bent over backwards trying to persuade him that we cld make a go of it.

We stayed together but 2 yrs on, all the reasons why I was unfaithful are still there, and I think we'll split up anyway (although I'm not being unfaithful now, and wouldn't again anyway).

My point is, infidelity doesn't have to be the end of a marriage, but in order for things to improve, both parties need to take it seriously and want to work through it. If he cannot bring himself to tell you the truthm even when it is staring you both in the face, then IMO he must either be very stupid himself, or have absolutely no regard for you and your feelings.

If you want to work it out, I think you have to just be very cold and firm and explain calmly that you know what is going on, and he can either 'fess up like a responsible adult, or move out. Don't let him treat you like this, you deserve better.

How's things tonight?

Anyone heard from Reallyconfused? How are you feeling about things?

Thanks for all your replys. I'm still trying to get my head round things. Dh says he feels very upset that I belived a 'friend' over him and is still swearing blind that he has not had and would never have an affair. He says he feels very numb at the moment and is now finding it hard to be affectionate to me even though he loves me very much. I just don't understand? I love him very much and I stay because at the moment I just couldn't bear life on my.
Lulupop - I have tried every approach possible to get him admit to an affair but everytime he ssys he hasn't, maybe I'll never know and will just have to find a way to get over it.

So glad to see you've posted. I don't think you'll ever find peace thogh unless you know one way or the other. You really have to weigh up the possible outcomes and decide what you will do:
a) if you hire a P.I and are proved wrong
b) you hire a P.I. and are proved right
c) you do nothing but find out years later he's lied
d) you do nothing and never know.

Will you be able to just pretend it's never happened?

from the 14th Feb there is a website that my client is involved in that provides you with a kit to help spy on your partner and you can get them investigated.

It's www.britishcheaters.co.uk. I didn't do a loink as it woun't be up and running until 14 Feb.

Galaxy - if I find out for sure that he's having an affair that will be it, how could I ever trust him again when I've given him so many chances to confess. I said to him that I'm concerned that I'll learn to trust him again then it comes back and bites me in the arse. Is this a risk I want to take? I keep hoping that something will come out in Relate, I'm jst waiting for the appointments to come thru. I did manage to get a look at his phone over the weekend and noticed he now delete's all his msg's, I think he left it lying around on purpose as there is nothing to look at now.

Sounds like it doesn't it? I really hope you can get this sorted out and find some peace.

does he turn his phone off when you're both at home? that's what I did, in case a text came through while dh was around, and saw it.

If I were in your position, I wld go quiet on the whole affair thing for now, so he thinks you've believed him. Then I'd surrpetitiously carry on checking all bills, credit card statements, etc. When I'd found some proof, I'd confront him and explain calmly that this was the last chance to confess. At that point, if he still won't own up to it, then it really is over.

Him denying it like this is probably making you wonder if you're going mad, and in a way, that's the most hurtful thing. From what you've said on your thread, I still think he definitely is, or has been, seeing someone else. And to then carry on as if you are the one with the problem is unforgivable (and I speak as someone who's done the same thing herself - it was just the easiest course of action at the time. How weak is that?)

I hope we are all wrong, but I think you have the right to know either way.

Lulpop - I think that is the best thing for me to do. I lalmost what to lull him into a false sense of security again and hpe that he will start to relax or slip up. He doesn't turn his phone off but it goes everwhere with him. I think all the texting is in the day, she's maried too, anyhow he's deleting all his msgs now. I've got my eyes wide open. Thanks for all your support. I'll keep yuo updated.

Can you nick his phone for a day or an afternoon? Pretend it's lost? What does your mutual friend suggest?

MP - thought about that but it's attached to him, he uses it all the time for business. I can't look at the bills either now as he's changed his password.My friend says I'll never find out the truth and I just have look to the future. To be honest I'm not seeing her much at the moment.

No, I can see that your mutual friend is a bit crap to say the least! I'm so sorry that you are in this place. I think you are right that a thorough discussion at Relate would be good. I have been in marriage counselling and I agree that it is much harder for a man to bullshit you or make you feel unsure of yourself when there is someone else there providing neutral ground. I would start at the beginning and try to discuss it all with him frankly and see where that gets you.

I used one & received confirmation of my ex's infidelity. They are very expensive but I was really glad I did it. I found a company through the yellow pages.

I'd say it's worth the cost b/c then you will know for sure. IF you then decide to divorce him you can do so on the grounds of adultery. Why would he lie and not 'just confess'? B/c people will do a/thing to have their cake and eat it, too.

Do you really want him to be honest about it? My friends dh cheated on her with a mutual friend of theirs, and didn't even bother to conceal it after the first couple of weeks or so (it only lasted 6 weeks max though). They're back together now and going through Relate to try and work out what was missing in their marriage for him to do that.

But she's devestated and tbh, I don't think she will ever forgive him - not for the affair (he only slept with ow twice and she's over that bit) but for not respecting her enough to even consider her feelings, and try to lie about it.

Maybe she is a lucky one, maybe him telling the truth means he did care. Maybe whether they 'fess up or tell a pack of lies is irrelevant, the damage is done.