My mum hates that I buy cheap clothes

[user1471867483]

She used to like me in NEXT classy clothes but now my taste has changed; I now like vinted, charity shop clothes and Primark. She screams at me saying how classy I was back in the day, but I like what I like. I never look tarty, but I just have my own vintage style! She hates me wearing used/previously worn clothes, but that's me! I'm 54! Who's right?

It’s weird that your mum’s still harping on about your behaviour when you were five, and that her friend’s daughters ‘chose’ a house for her. Why would your mum want to make decisions on her behalf?

Your mum’s a bully and you’d do well to get out of the house and live away from her (as far away as possible). I’m not surprised you have some issues with shyness when she’s pulling you down every opportunity she gets, but you can make changes for yourself; maybe start with seeing your GP about your anxiety issues to see if you could have some counselling and/or medication?
I had terrible social anxiety as a teen, had an abusive mum, and moved out when I was 18 to get away from her - just renting a room to start with - it wasn’t ideal, but it was better than the alternative. You don’t need a support network to start with, you can build one for yourself once you’re out of that house. Things can get better, but you need to choose to do something scary before they can. Starting threads on here for support while you make changes might be helpful…but coming here over and over again to complain about her behaviour, without planning to take any action, will likely just make you feel more stuck.

What do you want to do about this OP?

We live together and I work 30 hours per week.

My late mum didn't get secondhand anything as a concept. By contrast, I love a secondhand bargain. I source rare books for library users as part of acquisitions role. Our house has some very cute second hand finds, one of our chairs is a family piece re upholstered, DSs uni crockery and cutlery has numerous items that belonged to my late parents. I often wonder what she'd make of how effectively I've recycled a lot of their old things. The amazing mid century furniture in their garage, easier to shift than the more modern stuff.

Re Primark, I've used them for basic t shirts occasionally. DS and I went in to look for a cheap storage cube for uni room but came out with a retro style band shirt for The Who. B and M came up trumps for pop up storage cubes, Incidently.

That must be tough

This isn't really about the clothes, is it? It's about DM's expectations and her taking her frustration out on you, which is really unfair.

I've seen a bit of this from MIL. Not at me, at SIL, who due to various issues hasn't had children yet. MIL has made a few terrible comments about her appearance (she's really attractive and dresses like other people her age) and seems to insist that if she 'made more of an effort' that she'd have a husband and kids. It's such selfish, nasty behaviour, even if meant well.

It sounds like living together isn't working for either of you.

If you're working, is there any scope for you getting out and having your own place?

There's nothing wrong with enjoying time alone, OP.

Unfortunately, it sounds like you're not getting much of it.

It's a long long story and goes back to when I was a 6 year old and my father died. I was a lone child to a widowed mother so we tended to cling to each other as we had no other family. Long story. Thank you for taking the time to reply and to read xxx

sorry
i guess it is a case of If its not this then it is something else.

pay no attention op, dont be her punch bag

I'm 53 and most of my clothes come from Asda when I'm doing my food shop, so your mother can be thankful she doesn't have me as her daughter.

The shops you have listed are classy but quite expensive and maybe inaccessible for most. I could maybe by one expensive piece but not buy a whole wardrobe.

Agree - it is not to do with your clothing style. it sounds like you have a co-dependent relationship which is not healthy (google the traits). It's no wonder you are unhappy.

How do you feel about not living in her house?

If you can't - some strong boundaries are needed. No-one has the right to shout at you, belittle you, shame you and make you unhappy. When you don't tell someone that their behaviour is unacceptable you are communicating 3 things:

1. That it is OK for them to treat you like that
2. That you accept it
3. You will allow them to do it again.

Start pushing back and feeling better about yourself.

I'm 53 and buy clothes from Vinted. I bought a lovely patterned shirt from Zara this evening with tags. I am a decent earner and still always have a look on vinted!
You no longer need to take into account what your Mum says. She has a point of view, but you will have to say that you disagree with her and that you are a grown adult who can make choices for yourself. She is no longer in control of you and you will have to make that clear.

Why on earth are you visiting her? I would be keeping my distance! I bright you were going to say you couldn’t afford Max Mara or similar any more! Next!???

Used to work at Primark, the quality is terrible. The memory foam slippers are actually cardboard. The cuts are unflattering, the fabrics unattractive and the stuff is all overpriced fast fashion ready for the landfill tat. Vinted on the other hand is a wonderful way to afford gorgeous clothes that'd normally be beyond my own budget.

I've been looking up Primark jobs! Want out of the NHS.

Well one good thing is they pay you based on the time you clock in and out using a palm scanning machine so if you want to faff about at the end of the day doing 'overtime' to get things done (aka, make a phone call, use the toilet, even use the company shower) before you clock out you'll get paid for that time.

When my Mum criticises my clothes (I'm 54) I am secretly thrilled that I can still be the rebellious daughter in my middle age.

But my Mum sometimes being a bit rude is nothing in comparison to the way your mother behaves and that abuse of you is the biggest problem here. Do you want to leave, in which case do you need help with that? Or do you want some ways to protect yourself from the verbal abuse while you choose to still keep living with her? Because if anything I'd assume she's likely to become more abusive as she get frailer and it will get harder and harder to leave.

Unless she is studying their websites every day how does she know what shop your clothes come from?

Honestly, I think therapy could be life changing for you, OP.

You need someone in your corner and help dealing with the complicated relationship that's dominated your life. Maybe speaking to someone could bring you some clarity and confidence?

If not, I hope someone in your life, maybe even someone here, will be able to make you remember that you have one life and it's way too short to waste pleasing others.

You sound lovely, OP. I genuinely hope for better things for you.x.

I think they were classy when they first appeared on the high street, before I was born, or so my Mum tells me. I have a pure wool scarf from Next in a dark hot pink colour, bought in 1984 and it's fantastic quality. They wouldn't sell those now - it'd be all acrylic.

Now they are just like New Look.

I'm on the waiting list for psychotherapy arranged by my place of work. Your reply is brilliant btw.

That's beautiful ❤️

the word classy is doing a lot of reaching there. Next is ok but it’s gone downhill massively in the last few years. She likely only knows the clothes are second hand because you tell her?!

my gran is like this about some things so I get it. Nothing as queer as folks. But just ignore her. She’s full of shit.

Next, classy? Mhm.