Who To Pick? (4 questions!)

[WiseAdviceNeededPlease]

I chose the wrong husband and had a miserable marriage. Now that I'm single and generally happy I would like to find a partner but I have no idea how to identify a good match. My counsellor said I need be clear on what my needs are and to pick some non-negotiables but I still feel very lost...

1. How did you identify the qualities that are must haves in a partner ?
2. How many non-negotiables are reasonable to expect?
3. Is this an unrealistically long list?
4. Which of these qualities would you sacrifice if you had to shorten the list?

Kind
Interesting to talk to
Calm
Attractive
Can look after themself financially
Active / Fit
Similar political views
Fun
Warm
Reliable
Humble / down to earth
Loyal
Respectful

Thank you!!!

I think you could find someone with some of those things but on the whole people are more messy and complicated than that. If they are all those things, including loyal, then they are likely to be in a committed relationship.

My list would be:

I find them attractive and interesting.

I would then see how it goes for as long as it felt good for me.

I would not go in with a long shopping list. However I would be looking for someone who is a good person overall and with whom you feel a spark physically to begin with.
A thoughtful calm humble person may not be “fun “ in the sense of life and soul of the party.

I need be clear on what my needs are

Your list does not express your needs. In sales talk, you've listed 'features' not 'benefits'.

Aim to be clear about what kindness looks like, and the same for the other qualities. Why do you need a man to be kind; how and when would his kindness manifest; what types of kindness are currently absent from your life?

While you're at it, you're allowed wants as well as needs.

3/10 Good start - please revise according to remarks 😉

I would start with the task your therapist set you, very literally. What are your needs in a relationship? If you know what they are and why they're important to you, it will help inform which ones are non negotiable for you.

I also think your list is quite vague. What does calm mean to you, and how will you identify if someone is? It might be more useful to think in terms of behaviours and examples that might come up in the fist few dates. For example, I will always split the cost of the date, and if a man insists on paying, and won't take no for an answer, I would not see him again. That one behaviour demonsrates several things that I am/am not interested in.

@Planesmistakenforstars absolutely - you need a sieve not a scoop! Important to be clear on what you don't want. And for that, you need to know what you do.

For example, "Recognises my financial independence" is a positive related to respect and boundaries. The man who won't let you pay is disrespecting your your equal capacity, independence and expressed wish.

Get rid of your counsellor. You work on yourself first and foremost so that you have the strength mentally to deal with all sorts of people whether romantically or in every day life. This list shows that you're already compromising. Fuck that!

My list (many years ago, what I can remember) was:

• taller than me when I’m in heels
• makes the same amount or more than me
• no kids
• wants kids
• must have: his own home / nice to have: a detached
• lives alone
• good family background / will be respectful to my parents
• not a loud, attention-seeking person

Everything else I think was negotiable I.e., can be tolerated. Obviously I need to be attracted to him and vice-versa.

I found him, only took 5 years 😁

I think some of those you only find out over time.

I agree with a PP about focusing on what you wouldn’t accept eg I wouldn’t date someone that smoked. For me this is very important due to past experiences. So I use that to rule out potential dating options. If you have too many then the dating pool becomes too low. You also have to be a bit flexible. There will be some that would be an absolute eg not violent & financially solvent and then things which are important but if everything else was good then you might be able to work around eg distance away from you or political views (As long as not completely opposing).

I think a lot of dating is knowing your own worth and therefore not accepting less than you deserve. Do you feel like you would make someone a good partner? If not then work on that with your counsellor.

Someone special said to me that it’s better to be single than date the wrong person and I’ve never been afraid to split up with someone when it’s not right. You don’t always end up selecting the right person as people hide themselves initially so you need the confidence to end things and start again.

It really depends on where you are in life and what you want for your future. I would plan that as a single person and then find a partner that enhances your plan.

I’ve just turned 50 and been in a sexless marriage for years, so when I eventually extricate myself my list would be pretty simple.

Initially, I’d just have to find him physically attractive (and vice versa!) and they’d have to be good company. I love to travel, so they’d have to be up for that (and be able to afford to come along 😂).

I already have my children, I have a good job, I’d be financially independent and wouldn’t be in a rush to live with someone.

But if I was 20s/30s and looking for the future husband/father of children, my list would look different!!

Hmmmmmm in my view, you can make as many lists as you like, but you can't control who you're attracted to.

Some time ater my divorce from a miserable marriage, I found myself in the happy position of choosing between two men who appeared simultaneously in my life. One was stable, kind, generous, etc etc. The other was completely fucking wild!

I went with the wild one, and kept beating myself up about this, but in retrospect I had a lot of living to do, e.g. having the fun I'd missed out on through my rather dull and dutiful teenage/early adult years.

The same went for my subsequent choices of partner. In a way they got worse and worse, but I learned a lot and filled in the gaps in my life experience.

Only when I'd done all that, followed by a few years alone, did I meet the ideal man, and I would not have been ready for him otherwise.

Thank you for this advice in some ways it keeps things simple which I like. I guess my next question for you is how attractive / interesting would they need to be for you to try seeing them? Is there a standard that is clear to you? What if they were very attractive but less obviously interesting would you persevere? I wonder because at the moment I know of one very attractive but less obviously interesting possible prospect and another just borderline attractive but more obviously interesting one...
Thank you!

GarlicPint is better than my therapist! Are you a therapist @GarlicPint ?

Here is the second attempt:

Kind - a person who takes my feelings into consideration as a priority when they make decisions that could impact me. Important so I don't get trampled on and so I can trust them to treat others well. Benefit: less worry, uncertainty, need for vigilance = peace of mind

Interesting to talk to - Good company / connection and an interesting mind which will help me want to stick around and not feel that I'm wasting my time with them when I could be talking to interesting friends or doing something else instead. Benefit - enjoyable time together and relationship more likely to last.

Calm - This is really about what I don't want, no bad tempered unreasonable people Benefit: less worry, uncertainty, need for vigilance = peace of mind

Attractive - obvious benefits - I want them to be more than a friend...

Can look after themself financially - Benefit I don't have to support them as well as me = less worry and uncertainty

Active / Fit - benefit - we can do things that I like to do together

Similar political views - Benefit - easier to reach agreements

Fun - Benefit - good company and we can do things that I like to do together

Warm - Benefit I will get plenty of hugs and affection

Reliable - Benefit: less worry, uncertainty, need for vigilance = peace of mind

Humble / down to earth - I guess this is not as important
Loyal - Less worry, uncertainty, need for vigilance = peace of mind
Respectful - Benfit: Less worry, uncertainty, need for vigilance = peace of mind

In summary I'm looking for someone whose personality will not add worry to my life, who is attractive, likes to do similar things and gives hugs?

Thank you for this good advice also. I am sure I would be a good partner short term my weak area is being a little bit avoidant so the super long term scares me but perhaps that is normal...?

I had a big tick list. I met my man 4 yrs ago. We hit it off but our circumstances didn't align. We stayed friends over the years.
A few months ago he got in touch and said, let's give it a proper try. This was at a time in my life when I'd totally given up on men. However, I'd finally bought my own home, divorced, so I was ready to go, even though I wasn't looking for it.
So far, so good. I would be far too embarrassed to write my full list!

Thank you @FrustratedOldLady I hope you can be free soon. I at a similar life stage but have shed the (in my case) bad marriage so in a way this should be simpler to figure out than previously.

This is a happy story! I'm glad it all made sense in the end. I think I have overstocked on challenging life experiences at this point so trying to identify a less fraught path forwards.

This is great! Congratulations. Please share your list, it's safe, no-one knows who you are after all.

My list
I find them attractive
Have a personable character.
Own their home
Drive
Gets on with family/kids (their own)
Gets on with my family/kid
Same outlook on life
Same interests
Good sense of humour/mikey taking/sarcasm
Lived in the same era as me
A young outlook at life, as I do
And yeah, last but by no means least, fecking good in bed!

Now I've written that, I can't believe what a diamond I've found.
I know I won't ever find someone else like him, that ticks all those boxes.

Well in that case, you sound much more grown-up and ready than I was for some time!

I can recommend writing a list and posting it to yourself, so that it's stamped and you can see the date.

I'd forgotten about my list, but DH and I found it when clearing the house for a move. We opened it together I must admit I couldn't really remember what headspace I'd written in it, and what madness might lie inside! and it described him 100% 💗

I really feel for you. I’ve been there too: chose the wrong person, had a pretty miserable marriage, and had no idea how to not do that again. But I’m now in a really happy relationship with someone who is kind, consistent, emotionally intelligent, and genuinely a good human (DD says he’s the complete opposite of her dad) - and I think a big part of that was getting clearer on what I actually needed from a partner, not just what sounded good on paper.

Your list isn’t too long, but it can help to break it into tiers:

• Absolute non-negotiables - things like kindness, respect, loyalty, financial responsibility. These are foundational for a safe, happy partnership.
• Very important, but a bit more flexible - e.g. similar politics, being interesting to talk to, fun/playful (these might not show up initially until you get to know somebody better).
• Nice-to-haves - like being super fit, or traditionally attractive. Definitely a bonus, but maybe not dealbreakers if everything else aligns.

Maybe start by looking at what has hurt in past relationships - and the kinds of things you have tried to “work around” that actually just made you miserable. That can be your clearest guide to what is non-negotiable.

And then pay attention to what people do, not just what they say. For example, my current partner showed his values by how he talked about past situations (standing up against misogyny, showing empathy, being accountable). His actions consistently line up with what he says he cares about.

And honestly I was done with men and genuinely prepared to be single forever. I think until you’re truly ok with that, you’re not really ready for a relationship - and that’s when the universe stepped in like “hold my beer.”

Also don’t get over-invested too soon. Early chemistry can be misleading. Pay attention to consistency and how you feel over time. Be prepared to walk away at the first red flag, not after giving them ten chances and doubting your own instincts.

For me, the biggest green flag has been: how do I feel when I’m around them? Safe? Respected? Valued? Seen? If yes, that’s gold.

Sending you lots of support - you’re asking really good questions, and that matters.

I think it all boils down to mutual respect. Everything else is an optional ingredient; respect is the foundation of everything. For example, if you have different political views but respect each other, they’re not different enough or important enough to be a problem.

Oh gosh I forgot to say, when making your list, don't forget to include DON'T WANTS as well... otherwise the Cosmic Joker will have a laugh at your expense. Spell out that you don't want your ideal man to turn out gay, mad, married, or whatever...

I Wouldn’t over think it. Just play it by ear. If you enjoy their company then carry on. If not, stop seeing them. Not everyone needs to be a life long partner. Unless you want to have a baby (no idea what stage of life you are at) then there is absolutely no urgency.

I suspect that if you can’t decide between them, then either you aren’t ready for another relationship or neither of them appeal to you enough.

This is a really good list and it's impressive that you found the person who measures up to it!! Very inspiring!

Thank you so much this is really helpful advice.