Who To Pick? (4 questions!)

[WiseAdviceNeededPlease]

I chose the wrong husband and had a miserable marriage. Now that I'm single and generally happy I would like to find a partner but I have no idea how to identify a good match. My counsellor said I need be clear on what my needs are and to pick some non-negotiables but I still feel very lost...

1. How did you identify the qualities that are must haves in a partner ?
2. How many non-negotiables are reasonable to expect?
3. Is this an unrealistically long list?
4. Which of these qualities would you sacrifice if you had to shorten the list?

Kind
Interesting to talk to
Calm
Attractive
Can look after themself financially
Active / Fit
Similar political views
Fun
Warm
Reliable
Humble / down to earth
Loyal
Respectful

Thank you!!!

This is brilliant, Wise. How do you feel about it now? I'm looking forward to hearing about your next session - should be very constructive!

My main criteria was that he should be kind to me. Secondly I wanted someone who had a similar income and who was sensible with money. Thirdly, we needed a shared vision on how to live our lives. It goes without saying that I needed to find him attractive.

We had different interests, that didn’t matter. We had differing political views, so we didn’t discuss politics.

I'm not sure people need all these great long lists. Just use the rule of thumb that whoever he is, he must seriously enhance your life.

You will quickly realise what your non-negotiables are by doing that. And you may surprise yourself by caring far less about some of the things lower down your list if the man you meet is making your life overall far better than it is when you're on your own.

Make sure before you start that you are completely happy alone and have the life you want. It's important to be in a place where you know that if you stay permanently single, you will be happy and fulfilled.

Then it's up to the men you meet to prove their presence in your life will actually enhance what you already have. If they don't, then ditch them without a second's thought.

And don't feel you have to compromise on anything you don't want to. Or to move them in because they want to and you don't. Or to spend your precious time doing things you don't enjoy just because someone else wants you to.

You are at a stage of life where many women decide they are much better off single. I would definitely be one of them. But it sounds as though you want someone in your life, so use the rule of thumb that they absolutely have to enhance it. That's the only non-negotiable that matters.

Edited to say I didn't mean to quote the previous poster and was not specifically referring to their post.

To your question 3

Is this an unrealistically long list?

it is unrealistic and probably not helpful - it just looks like an unprioritised, unsorted laundry list that is unlikely to be of use to you in the 'real world'. You'd be far better off choosing the real red lines that you know would put you off someone the minute you discovered them.

don't forget, some of the attributes on your list you may not discover for ages, months or years. Certainly not on a first, second or even third date. Loyalty - how will you know they're loyal or not unless they are put to the test.

so, yes, you need to be realistic and trust your intuition, don't ignore niggling feelings if someone doesn't feel right, your intuition will tell you far sooner than you know. Too many people ignore it, bury it, hope it goes away, even when the signs become too obvious to ignore,

I have some non-negotiables as in "things I won't tolerate'" - not a long list:

Stinginess - this covers a multitude, if someone is stingy with money, they're stingy with love, their time, their attention. One negative characteristic can spill into many aspects.

Over- opinionated - if someone in the early dating doesn't let me get a word in edgeways, doesn't listen or take interest in what I think or say, then you can reasonably assume that they may well be wedded to political views and their own opinion in life, with no ability to bend and sway. That quality makes them inflexible, with an inability to respect there are different perspectives to their own.

Bad manners - this may be visible when on a date with them. If they're rude or abrupt with serving staff or talk down to them, it shows a lack of compassion, respect for people in other walks of life and makes me think "if you talk like that to them, heaven knows how you'll talk to me once the honeymoon period is over!"

Other than that, I take the person as I find them, get to know them. Give them a chance to impress over a period of time and if you're seeing the mask slip, get the hell out, don't hang around expecting it to get better.

Kind to you and others
understandIng and supportive when you are going through difficult times
Careful with money
clean - self and house
capable of cleaning up/cooking/managing own life
good work ethic
similar interests / values
happy fir both of you to have your own interests separate from the relationship
doesnt try to change you
able to resolve arguments through discussion /compromise.

Definite red flags-
Doesnt work
cant clean/cook/mabage money
jealous
angry/aggressive
sulky
rude to you or others

makes you feel crap about yourself

I wanted:

• someone I found interesting to spend time with
• someone who reliably shows up (no lateness or flakiness, is present and engaged on dates)
• someone who speaks and acts kindly towards me and others; no shouting / disrespectful words or actions, polite to staff, etc..
• someone I wouldn’t end up being a defacto carer for so solvent, driver, etc..
• someone with no “it’s complicated”; not living with an ex, no “crazy” baby momma, no lives half the week on the moon stuff
• someone I feel I can trust to be loyal; no past history of cheating, no signs of cheating (not even hints that they may be seeing others)
• warm and affection; lots of hugs, holds my hand, etc..
• comfortable with commitment; happy to call me a girlfriend, agrees to monogamy easily, comfortable for me to be seen in his life
• likes my dog
• comfortable with my having a kid and all that comes with that
• clearly likes me and my foibles; I’m ND and you either enjoy my quirks or not, I’m not changing and I’m not being made to feel inadequate

I also had some hard boundaries; eg if you stand me up for any reason in the first 3 months we are 100% over, no questions asked. If you stand me up more than once after that we are over. If you are more than 5 minutes late meeting me I’ll leave.

It was a tough ask but he’s lying next to me drinking his tea so they are out there. I guess he’s not everyone’s cup of tea (he’s a total nerd, slightly obsessive over parkrun, a bit plump, etc..) but he treats me like a queen and I love him to bits!

He told me to add; obsessed by Lego (my house is now full of Star Wars Lego) and motor racing. Only 5ft 9 and plays world of Warcraft 😂😂😂. None of which were any sort of an issue for me.

For some reason I only just noticed @Didsomeonesaydogs's post earlier and would agree with that wholeheartedly, especially this bit:

Maybe start by looking at what has hurt in past relationships - and the kinds of things you have tried to “work around” that actually just made you miserable. That can be your clearest guide to what is non-negotiable.

I became aware that I have zero boundaries, and it's all very well saying "set them better" but that was always a miserable process (and rarely successful 🫢). So I was much happier being alone, for many years. But then I also got the "Hold my pint" from the universe, in the shape of someone who actually notices/cares about my happiness more than I do, so would never take advantage of me or leave me feeling that kindness and generosity are weaknesses to be eliminated.

I don't see honest, though it is part of respectful.

My friend and I did a list..top of mine was non smoker, this was in the 80s.. I told him, I married him because he loves dogs and is good in bed. Been together 36 years, married 26.. met at work, his df had just died and my DM was dieing.

I think longer term scares a lot of people.

It was more of a confidence question but it sounds like you are ok on that. My friend will continue dating a man even when he’s messing her around. I think it’s as she doesn’t see that she deserves to be treated better.