Dh a completely different person at home

[BoringWifey]

I met dh through work 20 years ago. He was charming, funny, suave, outgoing, and chatty. He was the Work Social Committee chair for five years. He’s known as a “brilliant” people manager, excellent judge of character. He is fair, encouraging and generous. He still is like this 20 years later but only at work, with his friends, with his wider family.

With me and our dd, he is a totally different person. He was fine with dd when she was little but now she’s a teen he increasingly treats her like me. Cold, sullen, sarcastic, impatient, no eye contact, no affection.

We do have a younger son, too - and dh is all smiles, hugs, affection. So I know he still can put on this act if he wants.

I called him out on it years ago, cue lots of gaslighting, then an admission that he is an introvert so he needs to shut down and be his authentic self at home - so dd and are getting the real him and no one else

I tell him off when he is “moody” like this with dd and he gets angry and says I’m imagining it, or he has to play bad cop because I’m being too nice to her.

I have ignored it for so long but he’s started working from home and all day I can hear his loud happy meetings - laughter, in-jokes, chatting away. I ask him about it and tells me this is a gargantuan effort to maintain this front for his job.

No one would ever believe me if I told them what he’s like at home.

The person I thought I married is just someone else altogether. I think he regrets marrying me, I offered to leave 8 years ago but he insisted I stay and for a while things were better.

Im so baffled. Did I make him this way? Any experience and any ideas how to make him be any different at home?

No you didn’t - I have the same . A constant ranter and moody - he isn’t like it all the time but enough to make it like living with Jekyll and Hyde! I’m 63 and easy going so it has got wearing over the years ( 30 of them)

He sounds a right mardy bum.

That’s not being an introvert. It is being a wanker.

He can’t insist you stay, and I can’t think why you’d want to put yourself and your daughter through this shit, nor let your son think it’s an appropriate way to treat women.

So he’s prepared to make an effort with everyone except you and your DD then?

Is that REALLY what you think she deserves? That her father doesn’t care enough about her to make an effort and her mother sits back and lets him?

It would be ultimatum time for me. I wouldn’t sit back and take it for myself. And hell would freeze over before i let him treat my daughter like that

And what’s this ‘I offered to leave’ crap?
Tell the miserable bastard to knock it off or it’s game over

It’s not you, it’s him. He is not an introvert. He is abusive and many of these types are quite plausible to those in the outside world. He indeed does not treat his work colleagues like he does to you people as his family.

What do you think your children are learning about relationships from your example?. This is not the role model they at all should be seeing here. How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?.

Sounds like a bit of a multiple personality disorder. Do you think he treats the children equally or does he favour his son? If it’s making you this unhappy it sounds like you’d be better off apart.

And what did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

Abuse is not just physical in nature and is about power and control.

Do you want your children as adults to be in a relationship like this, no and you would want better for them. You and he need to be apart.

I divorced one of these OP. In work he was quick witted, charming and funny, at home he was critical, miserable and jealous (the keeping up with the joneses type). He’s still the same and I see him treating his new, very lovely wife the same as he used to treat me.
I feel sorry for him now as it must be a miserable way to think and to live.

It's appalling that he treats his son differently to his daughter and equally appalling that he treats you badly as well. I'd be looking for a way out.

I think a lot of contact with your daughter will turn her into someone with people pleasing tendencies and low self esteem and I'd be absolutely livid with him.

I’m an introvert and I am like him at work. It does take a bit out of you, but not like he is doing. He’s being wildly unreasonable and shouldn’t be treating you or your daughter like that.

I don’t really understand the “offering to leave”, you either want to leave or not (you should), it’s not really up to him.

Yes my father couldn't do enough for other people. He was really interested in them and pleasant to them. But he barely acknowledged me - when I was quite young he actually walked past me in the street when I said hello to him and didn't even recognise me .
And yes it affected my self esteem dreadfully. And made me a people pleaser.
So I agree that for the sake of her dc, as well as herself, OP should not be putting up with this treatment. And if that means ending the marriage then so be it.

My exh made that kind of effort with me at first, too. Then only with people he wanted to make a good impression on, and that wasn't me. It got to the point where he would walk a few feet behind me and the kids with a scowl on his face. Eventually I discovered he'd had a couple of affairs. I got the impression that the less he cared about what I thought, the more he thought I deserved the inconsiderate treatment. When we got together he said he considered women to be equals, but over the years his behaviour suggested otherwise. Your husband also seems to treat women with less respect?

Been with my dp for 8 years now and he's still considerate and respects my opinion. With my exh I think there was a downward spiral: the less he respected me, the less I respected him. Whereas with my dp now, there's more of an upward spiral. So with my ex, it wasn't all my fault; it was either him or the two of us in combination that didn't work. I'd bet that's the case with you too.
I never found a way to get out of the downward spiral with my ex: however I approached him - with annoyance or thoughtfully - it felt like there was no getting through to him. So no suggestions there.

That's not being an introvert.
That's just not giving a shit and treating you poorly because he can get away with it.

I have an introvert husband. Do you know what that means? It means he likes to take some time to decompress, and likes being home alone when he can.
He does not take his anger out on the people he loves.
Also because he knows he won't get away with it and he'd be out the door if he did.

The only reason why he's behaving better everywhere else, is because he knows it will cost him if he doesn't.

My ex was like this and I’m still unsure if he was just a classic narc or if there was something else going on and he was just acting out being a person when he had to. He was really nasty to us in private and the most wonderful person you could meet in public.

No matter what’s behind it, it’s no way to live. I knew it was miserable but it wasn’t until I was happy with my new partner that I really saw how bad it was. The contrast really messed me up and it felt like I’d been under an “evil spell” the whole time I was with my ex. The things I put up with..

I lived with this - man turned out to have NPD (diagnosed by our couples counsellor after we split up). They love putting on a show because that is what their self-esteem depends on. At home, they revert to the unhappy self-centered men that think the whole world owes them something, and they are being short-changed. Sorry you are going through this. But, there may be more to this than meets the eye.

I would believe it a hundred per cent. My ex was like this and a previous bf. All charm and laughs for everyone but you. I will no longer tolerate a man treating me like the enemy.

Don’t put up with it, leave if you can. My ex’s now wife is divorcing him and I’m be pretty sure it’s because she’s had enough of it too!

I’m an introvert, I don’t recall that meaning I can be a douche to my nearest and dearest.

Ex identical to this. Out of his way to do things for others but not his family. It was all about making himself look good. All self centred. Plus had the attitude that women should be like a 50s housewife but his work wouldn't know it. Would offer to carry a bag of shopping if we were walking so that he would look chivalrous but if he saw me struggling at home with anything then he wouldnt bother. Ego centred.

Cold, sullen, sarcastic, impatient, no eye contact, no affection.

@BoringWifey, you need to leave this cruel abusive man. Both of your children will be damaged beyond measure, even DS who has golden-child status while his sister and mother are the punching bags.

Girl leave this man

I'm an introvert who is cheerful and sociable at work. I still manage to be pleasant to my family, who I love. Yes, I often need space to recover myself, but I'm not a bitch about it and I'm certainly not cold, sullen or sarcastic.

Thank you all. I’ll consider it. I “offered to leave” because I thought perhaps he felt lumbered with me, and but felt he couldn’t be the one to break up the family.

The thing is I feel it must be me, something I’m doing or not doing. Obviously I haven’t described my 20 relationship to you in detail and I am probably quite a nightmare to live with. I know I’m disorganised and clumsy and forgetful and often messy. But I’m also bright, creative and caring. I am not sure we value each other’s “good points” and I try so hard to appreciate them in him (eg he’s practical, hard-working, clever and loyal, he pulls his weight and then some at home.)

It’s so hard. My dd loves her dad, and weirdly I love him too. I know I will never leave. I guess I will keep looking for ways to change myself and adapt to make the marriage work better for me (and him!).

It makes me sad for you and your kids to read this.
You are in an abusive relationship.
I read a very good book on these kind of situations after a relationship with an abusive man ended. I helped me to better understand what was happening: my partner was also the most charming, helpful, decent man with others and when he wanted to. And an absolute jerk with me, and it got worse with time. The book is by Lundy Bancroft: "Why does he do that?: inside the minds of angry and controlling men.
Your partner knows perfectly well how it is to treat people in a decent way. He just does not grant you and your daughter that favor.
And no he does not want to leave you: he loves to have you as his punchbag.
You know when this will stop? If you leave him. If you decide to do that, be very careful and prepare it very well and behind his back because he could become very nasty then.
I would start recording conversations so that you have proof and can show people how it is to live with him.
Of course before being able to do that you have distance yourself emotionally from him, and that's hard after many years together and after he treated you well in the beginning. You keep hoping the nice version will return. He might give it to you from time to time to keep you hooked.
But this man is bad news.

Honey it is NOT you. It is him. It is his choice.
And of course he will let you do the dirty work of leaving. He will make you be the bad guy.
If you divorce this guy, it could be very nasty.
But being kept hostage like you are now is not a good life, especially not for your kids. They will become very insecure because of this double personality.