I met dh through work 20 years ago. He was charming, funny, suave, outgoing, and chatty. He was the Work Social Committee chair for five years. He’s known as a “brilliant” people manager, excellent judge of character. He is fair, encouraging and generous. He still is like this 20 years later but only at work, with his friends, with his wider family.
With me and our dd, he is a totally different person. He was fine with dd when she was little but now she’s a teen he increasingly treats her like me. Cold, sullen, sarcastic, impatient, no eye contact, no affection.
We do have a younger son, too - and dh is all smiles, hugs, affection. So I know he still can put on this act if he wants.
I called him out on it years ago, cue lots of gaslighting, then an admission that he is an introvert so he needs to shut down and be his authentic self at home - so dd and are getting the real him and no one else
I tell him off when he is “moody” like this with dd and he gets angry and says I’m imagining it, or he has to play bad cop because I’m being too nice to her.
I have ignored it for so long but he’s started working from home and all day I can hear his loud happy meetings - laughter, in-jokes, chatting away. I ask him about it and tells me this is a gargantuan effort to maintain this front for his job.
No one would ever believe me if I told them what he’s like at home.
The person I thought I married is just someone else altogether. I think he regrets marrying me, I offered to leave 8 years ago but he insisted I stay and for a while things were better.
Im so baffled. Did I make him this way? Any experience and any ideas how to make him be any different at home?