Boyfriend constantly talks about his ex.

[CaribbeanChaos]

I’m unsure if I’m being unreasonable but my boyfriend is constantly talking about his ex. They were together for a long time and have children together.

I can’t decide if they simply have a good co-parenting relationship (there are lots of emails/texts/conversations about the children) and he’s just filling me in.

The majority of his anecdotes are “we” and I do understand that they were together for a long time. However, do I need to know where “we” used to do our weekly shop or where “we” went on holiday?

Additionally, she seems to rely on him for everything. Recently, the doorbell stopped working so she phoned him to ask for help. She simply had to charge the battery. A further example was that she was going to the cinema and wanted to know where to park.

I don’t think I’m jealous of her but I really
do not wish to hear her name every single day.

Please do tell me if you feel I’m being unreasonable.

Bin. He's not over her and he'll compare you with her.

He’d be an ex boyfriend of mine.

You are not being unreasonable at all. If the relationship if otherwise good I would speak to him first and tell him what you’ve noticed and how it makes you feel. You’ll probably get a good idea from his reaction and his subsequent behaviour which way this is going to go - embarrassed and willing to make change, give him time. Defensive and denying, end it.

They’re too intertwined still for me to feel comfortable. It’s almost like he’s trying to act like he’s over her whilst he gets there in reality and that’s not enough. I don’t talk about my ex except if it’s unavoidable and we share children together

I had this with someone. He wasn’t over his ex unsurprisingly enough 😅

men like this would be back like a shot if the ex would have them.

How long ago did they separate, OP?

I’m not sure they have…

Yeah, it’s too much. I wouldn’t like that. Sounds exhausting.

You are not being unresonable. Sounds like he isnt over her
iv been there, for a year my bf would still share cars ( even tho they had their own) bank cards and he would be at her/their house every day all day basically living there and I was told I was being selfish and ridiculous. Caused alot of arguments and even now I feel there is still issues i get told to suck up and deal with.
I personally would speak to him tell him how it makes u uncomfortable that he always brings her up. If i look back i wish I had never put up woth all of it for so long. There needs to be respect towards you and your feelings , even balance

Why did they break up?
And how long ago?

They divorced around 2.5 years ago. She met someone quite quickly and we got together earlier this year.

He only ever compares me favourably to her. He does speak negatively of her somewhat.

I mentioned it in the past and he did try to stop talking about her but I think he genuinely doesn’t realise he does it. A conversation over dinner earlier was about baby names and he told me their process of choosing the names they did for their children. It was a factual statement but it irritated me. I think it also irritated me that he spoke about the birth of their 2nd child and went into detail of how long it took etc. I think he’d be upset if he knew that had upset me and I genuinely don’t know why it annoyed me. Perhaps I am jealous that they experienced it together. I do feel like I’m being unreasonable, neither of us are spring chickens so we’ve obviously got a lot of unshared past.

It sounds like he still identifies as being part of a family unit with her OP. That could end up being quite tiresome for you going forward.

I honestly don't think he's even aware he's doing it.
That doesn't excuse it though.
He's just been used to being a 'we' for so long, he still hasn't started viewing himself as an individual since. Which also means he's nowhere near ready to be in a new relationship.

And I think the same goes for her. She's seeing someone else, but calls him to ask how to change a battery? Ridiculous. They're far too intertwined. Which isn't wrong or evil. It's just too bad you're in the middle.

Why on earth is she leaning on him for every little thing like doorbells etc when she has her own partner . I wonder what he makes of all this .

I too have wondered that. I can only presume he is unaware.

I can’t imagine he’d be amused
I’m trying to imagine how it would go down if I was asking my exh for help with these mundane tasks rather than my current partner and I actually can’t see how this would even come about .

Talking about th ebirth of his child is, in my opinion, perfectly reasonable. But what I think your irritation there indicates is that this issue has become much more serious for you.

Why did they break up? He does rather sound obsessed with her. And you say he speaks abou ther quite negatively, which is also a concern for me - for him to be talkin gsuch a lot about her and yet be so negative suggests a very unhealthy dynamic. Her asking him for help on silly things like doorbells suggets that dynamic is unhealthy in both directions.

Tell him to stop

Oh I had this - they still had joint car insurance, went on several family holidays a year together, and it was the same “we” comments all the time from him. They were definitely separated as I knew her family socially, but I reached breaking point when she let herself into his house as I was getting out the shower. I don’t think he was over her and she liked having her freedom but him doing the useful parts and being in the background. There was no room for a girlfriend in the mix too though!

Ooh I just remembered waking up once to a message on my phone saying my friend had died. I did a sharp intake of breath and burst in to tears, to which my ex responded in a panic “what is it? Is X wife okay?” Then he got angry at me when I pulled him up on that being a weird reaction to his girlfriend being in tears.

It's doesn't necessarily sound like narcissistic triangulation in this case (when they constantly bring them up in order to make you feel insecure) or 'not enough') if he never compares you unfavorably. But it's still a possibility.

And ultimately it is a case of him being too emeshed with his ex.

You know what it reminds me of? When certain men call their daughters by their wifes name/mix up their daughters names with that of their daughters sisters etc...because 'women' is just some monolith to them. Because they see women as their roles (in his life), not as individuals. So it doesn't even occur to them that you'd find this distressing because you're... like an appliance. And they don't view you as a person with their own feelings, wants and intricacies.

As in, it's not just being dense and emotionally unintelligent. It's that they just don't register your feelings as relevant enough to even consider.

She'll always be in his life. I'd throw this one back.

You are not being unreasonable.

He sounds tedious. Do you enjoy dating him enough to listen to his drivel?