Update from last week

[Strugglingmore]

Hi, I asked for my post to be removed last week as H seen the email come through and I had put too much detail into it.
I spoke about the end of my long term marriage that involved some physical abuse and verbal abuse and a one night stand 3 years ago. I tried to just block it all out and as a result I feel I’ve shut down and I’m stuck in freeze mode.
My H has now left me. He says it’s because I can’t be fully myself as I hold back and he knows I never would leave. Which is true. We’ve spoken to the DC and I’ve been for legal advice.
im on sertraline - first week -and diazepam and it’s doing nothing. I’m an absolute wreck. I can’t parent, I can’t look for jobs - essential now. I’m letting everyone down and I feel l can’t go on like this. I even feel I’ve let my H down as I only see his good side.
please can people keep sharing stories about coming out the other side. I can’t believe how I’m ever going to get over this.

I don't remember your post but from what you've written it sounds like as good thing you've split up. Things WILL get better.

Taking ADs is horrible for first few weeks. The Dr should have told you that. It can take a while to start working and you can briefly feel worse before you feel better but I think give it another week and you'll have adjusted.

Can you access therapy? It sounds like that's what you need. I don't know if any domestic abuse charities are able to fund it.

You will get through this. I promise you that, it doesn't feel like it right now but you will.

You will be okay. Healing takes time. You'll get there.
I'd like to share my mum's story, as she does have a very happy ending.

She and my father had 2 children. My father owned a business. They met when she was young (16 - he was 20) and he coerced her into not getting an education. Said he'd dump her if she went to uni, because he wanted a family and wasn't going to wait around forever. He was going to provide for her and she could stay home with the children... Yeah, right.

He was abusive, controlling, and this got worse throughout the years. In the end he was physically violent. She never actually got to stay home with her children. She ended up "helping out" full time in the business AND being solely responsible for childcare, without ever receiving a paycheck. He controlled the money. They rented a house in his name. She had nothing of her own.

They broke up when my brother and I were 6 and 9 years old. My mum was effectively homeless, unemployed with no education and nothing to add to her resumé, and she had no friends because he had alienated her from everyone.

There were a few years of poverty. Sleeping together on a mattress on the floor of a rental house without central heating, with nothing more than a coal stove to keep us warm. Gluing the soles of our shoes back together until next month, because we couldn't afford new ones. And yet, looking back I wasn't unhappy.

We are all thriving now. She put my brother and me through uni on her own. We've both had higher education. We own homes, we have good jobs, we are married have children of our own. My mum's been with her new partner for almost 20 years. They live together in a quiet and cosy house. She eventually got her diploma at age 50 and now has the career she always wanted. We're all very close. Haven't seen my father in almost a decade.

No matter how low you get, things can always get better.

Thank you. They briefly mentioned the AD effects so I’m hoping it’s that and it will improve. I’m so jittery and can’t get out of bed. It’s only been 4 days so I’m not sure how to get through this.
i can’t shake the feeling that this is all my fault. My H was being cold and horrible last week and this week he’s being so supportive and trying to help me heal - saying he will pay for therapy etc. This isn’t helping as I just keep thinking how great he is. I miss everything about him and I’m so sad it’s completely done and no going back. He wants me to talk to friends about what went on as he knows I’ve struggled.
Thank you for sharing your mums story. She sounds wonderful and I’m glad it had such a happy ending

I wasn't on your last thread, but wanted to comment anyway as this sounds really tough. It sounds like your breakup was recent? That means you're in the middle of the hardest bit. I don't think most people would be up to much straight away so please don't be hard on yourself. It will get easier. Are your children little or grown up? If they're little, do you have anyone nearby who can come and entertain them and help take pressure off for a bit? My advice is that as H was abusive, you can't really trust him now so probably best to limit contact with him.

are you the lady who was unable to leave the house, 5 children who are now home schooled?

I hope you are feeling better since your initial post? I think the first few weeks in particular can be really tough and as you described and also disorienting.
I know your husband has left but do you have any family and friends who can help out with your children?

You sound devastated about your husband leaving .., I didn’t see your post last week so not sure of the build up to him leaving.

Yes I have been on similar drugs and it takes a while to kick in then you’ll be feeling a lot more able to cope.
What was the title of your previous thread OP?

Not sure I saw it but sorry it sounds a tough thing you’re going through but I’ve sure you’re through the worst. An abusive person leaving is a blessing

It will get better, give it time.

Hi Op, sorry to hear you’re not feeling any better. I’d say the first thing you need to do this week is drop the contact right down to essential kid arrangements only. And even then get a routine set so you don’t have to correspond. This man is not your friend and neither should he still be your first source of support. Have you told anyone yet? Get your people around you and get yourself out in nature. Start setting small self care goals and force yourself to do them. Enough bed rotting now op time to shift the focus away from this man.

My H has now left me. He says it’s because I can’t be fully myself as I hold back and he knows I never would leave.

I remember some of your posts. Sounds like your ex is very dominant and abusive and looks after his self-interests to such a degree that even with everything he inflicted on you, he still looks at your (understandable) reactions to that and STILL considers only how they affect him. Your so called inability “to be fully yourself” is meant not in consideration of your welfare and wellbeing (because he could never have acted in the ways he did if those were ever important to him) but in consideration of HIS welfare and wellbeing because in his mind it stops him from having a warm and giving partner – everything is always first and foremost a consideration of what it means to HIM and what it gives HIM. He will never acknowledge the huge role his abuse obviously played in how you were reacting to him. You’ll need to remind yourself of this over and over again. It takes a long time to see it OP, it certainly did for me – took me years to see that my ex was not capable of considering my wellbeing if it didn’t directly relate to benefits for him.
He sounds highly manipulative at the moment – do not trust him, or anything he says. This might even be one big trick to break you down completely and make you even more compliant if he manipulates you back together again in the future – do not fall for it, I have been there myself.
Therapy sounds like a good idea but can you access it without him? Do you have any friends or family to lean on? At this point you really should not be in contact with him at all unless it is 100% related to the children.
You are stuck with an idealised version of him in your head. A version which just does not exist now, if it ever did. You have to find a way to redirect your energy into looking after yourself. Ultimately you are the only one that will able to look after yourself properly and make yourself happy. You can’t rely on anyone else to do that. You will learn how to do that OP. It will take time to get through this. But it will take the time it takes. Right now you just need to get through it hour by hour even, day by day.

Please please be careful with sertraline, if it doesn’t suit you or you feel yourself getting worse, go back to the doctor. And don’t stay on it any longer than you have to. I’m speaking from experience of supporting someone through AD withdrawal, it’s been brutal and life changing for them. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through, I hope the ADs work but don’t let them add to your problems if they don’t.

How are you doing? I hope things have settled down for you? Here if you need anyone to listen,…

Totally different opinion on sertraline once I got to the right dose it's the only one that actually worked for me and been fine for 10+years on it. Other anti depressants made me suicidal. Temazepam didn't work for me tho.

Thank you so much. I’ve been struggling. At times I feel completely dissociated and can function ok - how I’ve managed most of the relationship - and at other times I’m in complete panic and feel utterly depressed and can’t see any future for me. I’m just so sad.
I can also see the relationship for what it was now and that makes me sad. We were together a long time and I know nothing else.

I’m not sure if the sertraline is working. I still have moments of complete panic but is that to be expected? I’m on 50 so I was going to see about going up to 100 but will I get all the awful side effects again? The first week was brutal. I’m two weeks in now

@Strugglingmore I am really sorry to hear that. I suppose as you are seeing the relationship for what it actually was it will help you heal in time.
You mentioned domestic abuse in your opening post … maybe some counselling would be helpful to let you process your feelings in a safe place. Would you be open to this or does it feel a bit over whelming right now? Let us know how we can support you x

Thank you. I’ve signed up for some counselling but it’s early days. There was domestic abuse and cheating so I don’t know why I think he’s not a bad person.
Im really missing what I thought we had but realise there was so much manipulation throughout - I’m not sure even he realised he was doing it or if it was just how he is.
I’m completely trauma bonded and have to keep telling myself that’s what it is and so many people on my previous post said they’ve not looked back years later so I’m hoping I’m the same.
it’s so good having people to talk to on here so thank you.

OP. The Sertraline will probably take 6-8 weeks to take effect. At the moment, you are getting all the horrible side-effects and none of the benefits. The side-effects should start to diminish soon, and are within the realms of normal at the moment, but I would be wary of going up too soon. You may well benefit from being on 100mg, but I would stick on 50mg for at least another month to 6 weeks, then consider increasing after that. Otherwise you're going to feel awful and still not see benefits for another 6 weeks.
Sending energy and the best of wishes.

The book ‘it’s not you’ by dr ramani and ‘why does he do that’ by lunch Bancroft

Thank you, that’s really helpful. I will hold off asking for a higher dose as like you said I might get all the side effects with no benefit.
im just hoping it works soon as I feel awful at times. I’m barely functioning and cannot do anything on my big list of what I need to do.

Thank you, I’ve started the Lundy Bancroft one and I will order the other

Anti D’s prob take at least a month to have any effect. If its the right one. Focus on getting rest, sleep and grieving tbh.

I would say only look at what you need to do on an hour to hour basis. Don’t worry about your “big list” or review what’s really essential right now or it will make things unnecessarily over whelming x

Thank you. I’ve been able to fall asleep but wake up in the early hours in panic. I feel like I need to grieve but at the moment I’m panicked or dissociated with a feeling of depression. I guess there is no set path. I just wish I could be better for my kids