Trying to move on

[Mumof2studentnurse]

Hi all, I’ve posted a few times over the past months but long story short - my husband cheated on me with someone who worked with us and then left me for her. She’s 15 years younger than me, which honestly adds a sting I didn’t expect. I left that job and have started a new one.

The last six months have been really hard for me. For a while he was awful to me, and I ended up leaving the house we bought together. I’m now living elsewhere with our two kids (7 and 9). He sees them 2–3 nights a week and they stay at the house we once shared.

Today the kids told me there are photos of him and his girlfriend up in the house. It hurt so much. I know she’ll probably move in soon and that eventually the kids will meet her.

I know he’s moved on. I know I need to accept it and stop crying all day, but I’m really struggling to get there.

Part of me kept hoping he’d come back or say he’d made a mistake. Everyone I talk to tells me to move on and that he’s not worth it, and I get that. I’m sure they’re tired of hearing about it, but I’m sad all the time and I don’t know how to stop.

I don’t enjoy anything the way I used to.

On the plus side, since April I’ve lost over 100lb, so physically I feel better and I’m closer to where I want to be weight-wise, but emotionally I’m still a mess.

I’m posting because I’m really, really sad and still very much in love with the person who broke me.

Any ideas or examples of people here who’ve pulled themselves through something similar and gone on to have a happy life? I feel like I’ll be lonely and sad forever, but I really do want to find a way out of this.

Thanks for reading. Any advice, stories, or small steps that helped you would mean a lot.

Maybe getting divorced will
help to move on.

@UpDownAllAround1 I cant legally get divorced until next April. Im in Scotland so we need to be separated for a year. But maybe that is the door that needs to be closed to help me move forward with my life and truly accept the reality.

Surely if adultery, you can apply to divorce immediately

@UpDownAllAround1

No, it doesnt work like that (In Scotland at least) I have to wait 1 year. If the other party contests (which he won't) then its 2 years. We have been going through the separation agreement since April, but he has stalled that by not sending in any of the paperwork he needs to send.

He isn't stalling it because he's undecided or reconsidering - it's purely because he can't be bothered to send a couple of bank statements.

Hi, I read this and just wanted to send you my best wishes. I haven't seen your previous threads but can understand the heartache of what he's done to you. It no doubt, right now, will feel so painful and like you'll never recover. I urge you to find your anger, it will help you see and feel that you have dodged a bullet. He's a man who has the capacity to walk away from you. He is a man who has the capacity to lie to you. He didn't see your value but it doesn't mean that you have none. Why would you want such a feckless idiot in your life, let alone pine for them? You have the space now free of him to flourish. Your weight loss (as it seems is important to you) has proven that you are able to make changes in your life that serve your happiness. Make more! What would you like to do next? What will make your heart sing? Leave him for dust as you make your own life better and rewarding. You can do this xx

@Drowningincokezero thank you for this message, It means an awful lot to me. I do need to try and find things that will make me happy. I really appreciate your words x

He isn't stalling it because he's undecided or reconsidering - it's purely because he can't be bothered to send a couple of bank statements.

Or perhaps because he's enjoying, or at least taking the opportunity of, twisting the knife when he's already turned your world upside down, @Mumof2studentnurse ?

Him putting pictures up of the new one for the children to see I don't see so much as him moving on but him hoping to hurt you all the more, knowing the wee ones will tell you. It's astounding, they do the dirty on you and then turn even more nasty. They can't just slink off and leave you to try and put yourself back together, no they have to be even bigger cunts so that you'll react badly and they'll prove themselves right in leaving you, for their new supply.

I’m posting because I’m really, really sad and still very much in love with the person who broke me.

Do you think that could be trauma bonding? I hated my husband towards the end of our marriage, his behaviour killed any love for him I once had stone dead, but I couldn't stop crying when he left. I couldn't understand why I was so bereft. I now think it was mainly trauma bonding with a touch of grieving for what should have been. Look it up and see if any of it resonates.

There's nothing worse than people telling you to move on when you've had such a dramatic and unpleasant change in your life. The fact you had to leave the family home because of his behaviour is telling but also even more of an upheaval than you'd already had. Move on? Fuck off, it'll take as long as it takes. They say move on because they don't, and don't want to, understand. And they want you to shut up and talk about something that interests them. Move on 'advice' is not supportive.

The mind games and tactics, that all started long before you split up, have taken their toll on you @Mumof2studentnurse . It takes time to work through the tangle that your head is in, but you will get there. I know it doesn't seem like it just now but one day you'll realise you're feeling a bit less gloomy. I physically wasn't able to sing towards the end of my marriage, my voice just wouldn't work, and I can sing again now and hit notes I hadn't even attempted for many years. Not that I can sing, this is for private time only 😆, but when I look back at how I was during the first year or so to how I am now there is no comparison.

Go easy on yourself, don't listen to folk who try to rush you, one step at a time, as and when you feel up to it and one day you'll realise you have become yourself again ❤

Thats really helpful, thank you for being so generous with your time and replying back with such kindness @NebulousSadTimes I will so some reading around trauma bonding - I think i was just so blindsided and everything he has done since has caused me so much hurt and confusion because im in love with a version of him that no longer exists - or maybe never did x

My exh left me in December 2023 for someone he managed who was 16 years younger than him. It does get easier - I promise! - but it's a slow process. You can't rush it. One day at a time. At some point you'll realise news of him doesn't affect you any more.

I really do hope that day comes soon @CleanShirt - and im sorry you had to experience this. I really hope you are doing well x

Yes, we’re in love with a version we thought they were.
We’re in love with the potential we thought we had for our future life together.

It’s soul destroying what we go through when a relationship we thought was forever ends but we just have to keep on putting one foot in front of the other.

Seek out new experiences without them, rebuild your life. It’s really hard but time passes and slowly slowly we begin to feel better. Don’t try to hurry it because that doesn’t work.

This I know. Take my word for it. 💐

Thank you @PashaMinaMio - Really hope you are doing well x

@Mumof2studentnurse I am in a very similar situation, except I am also now very heavily pregnant.
I have moments where I do feel angry at the situation I have been put into and how cold he was to me when it all first came out. But I honestly feel so so sad at no longer having the future and family I thought we had together. It really is such a painful rollercoaster.

The only things I have found to be helpful is to try and focus on practical things that need done, and sometimes being around other people, although this isn't always helpful.

I keep my fingers crossed I get out of the other side of it feeling better but I really can't see that right now, as ultimately I was already happy. However I do believe there can be life at the other side, just a very different life than the one I had envisioned.

Try to focus on what you can be doing for you and the kids just now, building a new routine and spending time with those close to you. The way your feeling can't last forever, just take it a day or hour at a time.

I'm so sorry OP, you've been through a traumatic break up and been treated appallingly. You say you're still in love with him - have you thought that you're in love with the person you thought he was? He is not that person. That person doesn't exist. He has shown himself to be a cruel, faithless, unreliable cheater. You're not in love with the person he truly is.

It might help you to have some counselling to unravel all these feelings and help you move on. It's best to keep busy, taking up some new hobbies, exercise that you enjoy (walking, running, gym, yoga, dance - whatever makes you feel good) is great for stimulating endorphins and will also help you sleep. Try not to dwell on thoughts of him/her and concentrate your energies on making your life better. Look after yourself lovely 💐

@Mumto21234 you are so kind and so thoughtful to leave this message. I have no business to complain about my situation when you are going through all of this too, but during a pregnancy. I really am so, so sorry that you are going through this and i really hope that you are able to tap into some of the strength and words of wisdom that you so kindly and selflessly given to me! I wish you so much love and happiness @Mumto21234 and I really hope karma catches up to the person who has treated you so poorly. Wishing you well, please look after yourself x x

@Endofyear Thank you so much. I think i am in love with the version of him I have created in my head. Because from the outside looking in - how can I love the person who cheated, yelled at me, make me feel so worthless, doesnt pay maintenance for his children... so yes, I think i am in love with a version that I thought he was or could be. I think i will need to look into councelling - I think it would help me, especially around my own self-worth x

Bless you OP, this is so sad to read.
Good things are ahead of you, it just takes time.
He never deserved you, you sound lovely x

@Mumof2studentnurse the sad thing is I don't even want Karma to catch up on him, but I hope it catches up with me and I get a great life regardless lol!!

I try and remind myself the person he became isn't someone I would choose to be with now, and you need to believe someone is who they show you they are, not the version in your head. But it really is a battle.

I hope your hard days get fewer and further between.

Many wise women on here who have been through what we are going through and seem to get out of the other side happier and with someone better, so hopefully we meet the same fate!

I will be thinking of you @Mumto21234 I am certain you will have a beautiful life ahead of you. Yes there are many wise women on here and I could not be more grateful x

It is clear from your posts @Mumof2studentnurse that you are really a kind hearted person. You didn't deserve how your ex has treated you.

My advice is to treat yourself kindly, you've had a horrible shock. I found reading a lot of threads on here helped me tremendously.

I am sure that you will find a way through. But it will take time.

Take care and all take the time you need.

When my partner of 21 years left me for another woman - who he’d been having an affair with for 5 years, and I later found out there had been countless others before that - I felt like you and still loved him. But by deploying some self CBT, after a while I reframed the whole car crash of a relationship. He was a pathological liar, he put my health at risk over the years through his infidelity, he was selfish and used me and in hindsight the red flags - which I chose to ignore rather than face the truth and leave him - were unbelievable. Every time I wanted him back or felt like I loved him, I’d replace that thought with another one - what he did to me. I wrote out all the shit things he ever did and read and re-read them until any illusion of love or grief petered away. Don’t give him anymore of your time or power. Actively grieve what you once had but remember what a shit he was and how the person who treated you so badly was his true self and character. He just disguised it for all those years. You will recover and you will have a life and we’re all here for you

Thank you @LetGoLetThem1234 thats very kind of you. You are right, reading other threads is really helpful. Lots of advice and stories of people moving on. Thanks for taking the time to message x

Im so sorry you had to go through that @Wombat8 I really hope you are doing so well now, and I appreciate your kind words of advice. x

Sorry to hear this has happened to you OP.
Keep investing in yourself.
Get out there to nice things you enjoy doing with friends and family if possible. Congratulations on your weight loss as well. Focus on the basics of good food, sleep exercise and friends.
He is a classless man by the sounds of it and you are much better off without him.
Best wishes x

It will not feel like it right now but believe me over time you will see that you have come out the winner. My ex left me for a woman actually older than us both and while I was broken at the time I eventually moved on, bought him out of the family home, kids do not speak to him for varying reasons and my life got dramatically better. I won in the end not that it was a competition but I won as in I regained a peaceful life. When you start piecing things together and adding things up you do eventually realise that this was not your person this was a fake self they gave to you so all you have lost is useless flesh around a penis quite honestly and you deserve better. She deserves him now. She will spend their entire relationship knowing he cheated to be with her and we all know if he cheats with you he will cheat on you so shes going to take over the watching of the clock from now on while you still have your sense of worth, your children, your moral compass and now you also have your peace. I wish you all the happiness in the world going forward OP because he has given you the gift of freedom again.