Trying to move on

[Mumof2studentnurse]

Hi all, I’ve posted a few times over the past months but long story short - my husband cheated on me with someone who worked with us and then left me for her. She’s 15 years younger than me, which honestly adds a sting I didn’t expect. I left that job and have started a new one.

The last six months have been really hard for me. For a while he was awful to me, and I ended up leaving the house we bought together. I’m now living elsewhere with our two kids (7 and 9). He sees them 2–3 nights a week and they stay at the house we once shared.

Today the kids told me there are photos of him and his girlfriend up in the house. It hurt so much. I know she’ll probably move in soon and that eventually the kids will meet her.

I know he’s moved on. I know I need to accept it and stop crying all day, but I’m really struggling to get there.

Part of me kept hoping he’d come back or say he’d made a mistake. Everyone I talk to tells me to move on and that he’s not worth it, and I get that. I’m sure they’re tired of hearing about it, but I’m sad all the time and I don’t know how to stop.

I don’t enjoy anything the way I used to.

On the plus side, since April I’ve lost over 100lb, so physically I feel better and I’m closer to where I want to be weight-wise, but emotionally I’m still a mess.

I’m posting because I’m really, really sad and still very much in love with the person who broke me.

Any ideas or examples of people here who’ve pulled themselves through something similar and gone on to have a happy life? I feel like I’ll be lonely and sad forever, but I really do want to find a way out of this.

Thanks for reading. Any advice, stories, or small steps that helped you would mean a lot.

@Suednymph Thank you so much for this x

Yesterday was awful. I cried on and off from 3pm - 11:30pm last night. I sent him a lengthy email today. Nothing nasty, or hateful. I told him how much it hurts me to drop the kids off at the house we bought and shared together and that I need to put myself first, so i won't be dropping them off anymore, he can of course collect the kids, but i'm not putting myself through this every week.

I asked him to send the documents the solicitors have asked for so they are sort our separation agreement, I told him about how i deserve to be able to move on with my life too, but that i still see myself as married and how moving on would seem like a betrayal to him and our marriage so i need him to move ahead with what he started. He had a solicitor within days of leaving me, but has been too lazy to do anything more, and i think he is putting it off because his mortgage will increase when my equity is released. I always hoped it was because he would reconsider - but I was kidding myself and just hurting myself more and more to ever think he was coming back.

I listed a couple of the things he had done that were extremely painful, like how when he drops the kids off he sits in his car and messages his girlfriend - I can see this from my window. I now wait in my bedroom until he leaves. I told him how i always hoped he would show some kindness and move up the street where I couldn't see him before doing this.

I let him know that my communication about the kids would be stopping because its so hard for me. We text a couple of times a week organising arrangements for the kids, but we are in a routine now, so we know when drop of/pick up times are, there is no need for the texts. If I'm honest, 70% of them are initiated by me, i wanted to text him, i wanted to hear from him, i wanted to believe that in some small way I had crossed his mind, even just for a second. Again, i do see that i was kidding myself and hurting myself.

He hasnt replied and i dont need or expect a reply to the email, but there are so many things that I wanted to say and I figured I would never really get the chance. So I sent a very honest email about lots of things - it wasn't a begging email, i didnt tell him how much I love him, I didnt ask for him back, i didnt say a single unkind word about him, it was an email that expressed how sad I am, how much the end of this marriage has impacted me, and that im going to put my needs first and that my decisions not to drop the kids off and not to engage in texts anymore is about my needs and not about trying to hurt or punish him.

I felt better once it was sent. I felt like i had a little bit of control back after taking far too many emotional hits the last few months. I know there will still be really sad days, I know there will be lots of lonely days and days when I wish he was here - but maybe in a few years when I'm well, I will find someone who falls in love with me and i can still have a future that I imagined having.

Thank you all for your posts. I really appreciated the messages x

Try a book by paul mckenna called i can mend your broken heart
It has a code for a nightly hypnosis.
Trust me it really helps x

Thank you @Merseymum1980 Im on amazon looking at it now and reading the reviews. i am so glad this worked for you - for £3.69 on Amazon, i think its worth it for me to give it a go - thank you x

You are welcome
Also try working out a little,i feel ao.much better after.
Write down all your goals.
Do you have many friends?
How old is your little one x

@Merseymum1980 I dont have many friends. I was friends with people I used to live close to but they are the wives of my husbands friends and not a single one of them reached out to me to ever ask if I was ok. I have a couple of good friends, but not a large circle, so my couple of friends are sick of me (but too polite to say that). I am trying to find kids clubs and things like that in the hopes of meeting some mum friends, but so far, ive not really found anything near where I live...or that has space...or that my kids actually want to do.

I do need to get some exercise in. Thats really good advice.

My kids are 9 and 7. They are doing well. They have handled all of this well. They are great kids. I'm very lucky.
x

I just want to give you a big hug x
You will get there, I think you've done the right thing in making less contact with him.

I heard people say they allow themselves to think about their ex for 10 mins per day and grieve. Then they train their brain and keep themselves busy when they think of them.
All the best OP x

Im sorry for what you are going through, you are doing so well.
Im not sure if you work and wherein Scotland you are(i love Scotland).
If you have any spare time in the day then a little hotel gym is great to join.
Ive made loads of friends in one.
The bigger gyms dont seem to be friendly.
Feel free to pm me anytime,as I really feel for you.
Try to remember the poem verse "Good wood does not grow with ease,the stronger the wood the stronger the trees".
If your dh wants to leave his family for a bit of stuff then he is a fool.
Well done on not being nasty in email too him. Donr contact him anymore, try not to speak to him for 30 days (unless he contacts you about the children).
Have you seen a solicitor to find out your legal rights?
You will come back stronger! It just must feel like it will never get better now but it will.
Cry your leg off feel your emotion and it will pass

@Merseymum1980 Yes, I am a nurse. My username says im a student - but thats because I was when I set up my name. :) I work in the community, so its lots of lone working rather than spending time with other nurses.

I will look into local, smaller gyms to try and meet people. Thats a good idea.
I really liked reading that poem about the stronger tree - thank you.

I need that 30 day detox from him. I don't look at photos of him. I don't read over messages from the past, but I do need to learn to replace my thoughts of him with something else. Someone in here posted about only allowing a certain amount of time a day to think about him and I think that might work for me - so if thoughts creep in (which they will) I can tell myself that I will think about it later, during the time i will allow myself to cry, think about him, and grieve.

I've been listening to podcasts on the way to work because songs either make me cry or remind me of him.

Yes, I have a solicitor, even though he is stalling, she has said that we are still a long way from getting a court order to force the separation forward. She said he will likely move forward soon. But its been 6 months now. I'm hoping my email to him helps to move him along. It's not even a lot of things that he has to send. It's a bank statement from the date of separation, a statement with details of a loan that was taken out, our home valuation, his pension details...and a credit card statement in his name from the date of separation - that's all he needs to send. My pension is worth more than his, so it's not even like he's trying to keep me away from that, he will get a chunk of my pension to even up the pension pots. It's also really hard because Im trying to push forward with the separation, but its not because I ever wanted this, its because I dont think I can move on until its settled. x

You can move on, you are just heartbroken at the moment, which shows you are a loving person.
Definitely try that book and most importantly the hypnosis.
He could be stalling over giving the share of the house or selling
Everything suits him at the moment as he was so horrible it forced you to leave