Partner still in touch with ex wife

[Maddreamer1]

I've been with my partner for a year now and he still meets up with his ex wife for a catch up every few months. They split up 5 years ago. He knows I feel really uncomfortable with this situation but still he insists on seeing her. I know he feels a lot of guilt about cheating on her and feels like he needs to look out for her but I can't explain it, my stomach just gets into knots and I get extremely anxious before he meets up with her until I hear from him after they've met. I am constantly expecting him to tell me they're getting back together. He's seeing her tomorrow night and I can't sleep. He knows I'm in a state about it but he will not stop his plans to see her. He tells me that I knew he's still friends with her from the start of our relationship. He did tell me from the start that he occasionally speaks to her but I didn’t realise until 3 months into our relationship that they still meet up occasionally. Am I being controlling asking him not to meet her?

I don't think he's entirely unreasonable, although I do wonder why she'd want to meet him.

I don't think you're unreasonable either if that's how it makes you feel.

I do think you're fundamentally incompatible.

do they have kids together? if not, it seems a bit weird, particularly if it's just the two of them and not like they see each other as part of a wider group of friends or at a club type thing.

You know he's a cheater, so feeling anxious is justified.
Consider getting regular STD checks if you want to keep dating this man.

(also, you can't ask him not to meet the woman, but you can choose whether or not dating this man serves you, if he enhances and eases every aspect of life.)

No they don't have children together.

As others have said, the issue is not that he sees his ex, it’s that you don’t trust him.

You could try to ‘ban’ him from seeing her (though yes, I would consider that controlling) but you’ll just end up with the same problem when he’s going for a drink after work, or to a hobby where you know there are women.

You don’t sound equipped to be dating a man with a history of cheating, which is fair enough.

I think it’s fine to be friends with an ex and meet them occasionally. I know a few cases in my social circle where it works well.

I actually think it’s preferable to the feverish messaging and reminiscing that sometimes goes on via Facebook etc between exes, which I’d find unsettling and disingenuous. I’d much rather my OH had a coffee in Starbucks with his ex every couple of months than messaged her every couple of days with silly emojis.

But I’m not you and my OH isn’t your partner. If you feel uneasy, you feel uneasy.

He’s not for you
I’d hate this too
some people would be ok with this but you’ve got the knowledge that he has cheated in the past , they have no kids together so they have no reason to still be in each others lives .
I think you just need to end it .

No I wouldn't be happy with this

Firstly he is a cheat so you know he is a liar and someone who who is capable of hiding what he is up to.

Secondly the most obvious reason I can think of for her to meet up with him would be if she hopes to get him back again and get him to chose her instead of you.

You are never going to be able to trust him so really is it worth continuing with the relationship?

I dated a man who was ‘very good friends’ with an ex. Within a week of us splitting they got back together and I suspect they had slept together before we split.

It's a difficult one. I think she feels guilt for things she's done in the relationship too from what I understand. But yes, that's what I'm worried about, that she wants him back. I can't compete with their history of 20 years.

You've chosen to spend your life with a man who:

Lied to and cheated on his wife, so you know he is perfectly capable of doing it to you - because he has developed a particular set of skills, plus the habit of having a bit on the side

Is making no effort to move on and accept that this is in the past, and you suspect he regrets what he did and what he threw away

Keeps scratching at the scab - and you believe it's because he can't let go and is trying to find a way back to her

Has an ex who despite all this keeps going back to associate with the man who did this to her - and you believe that it's because despite that she can't let go either, and is trying to find a way back to him

And is failing / refusing to empathise with and respect how you feel as his actual partner.

There are several terms for what you are in this, OP.

Piggy in the middle. The third wheel. The gooseberry.

I'd bet if you ducked out, they'd be back together to try again.

Is it worth it? Really?

I'd be more worried about the lying and cheating that broke up his marriage. You know the bloke's a cheat and there is never any excuse for cheating, no matter what horror stories he may have told you about his ex wife.

So they had already been in the pattern of being ex's that meet a few time a year for 4 years before he met you. If they wanted to get back together they would have by now. Not every break up needs to be bitter.

Yes, everything you have said resonates with me. Thank you.

I am the man in this context, and this is just my experience: I share kids with my ex, 5 years seperated, We meet "for the kids" and be rest assured, when we have been single, we still get intimate . we are friends and her most recent ex was not happy how happy she is with me as opposed to how he was with his ex, and he had all the right reasons to not be, we did not have sex obviously but we both new if chance presents, we would have it.

Unless we cut being friends outside of co-parenting , the chances are high and it is so easy to slide into old ways because we are better people than when we were together so seeing an improved ex is attractive for more. either he stops this or you know what choice to give him

She's a part of his life. She always will be. I think you should be pleased that they still have a civilised and amicable friendship.

I think what he is saying is a load of old codswallop and he's one of these guys who likes to stay " friends" with his exes aka keeping them on the back burner. Someone like this wouldn't be for me.

He cheated on her but a few years after the split feels so bad about lying and cheating on her that he has "pity meetups" with her.

Sure, Jan.

I'd toss this one back to his ex. He's not going to stop seeing her even though he knows you're uncomfortable with it. If you want a monogamous bf, he's not your guy.

He’s a cheat, no kids together, meeting at night, not being upfront in the first place that they remain this close! All sounds alarm bells, sorry it’s sounds like they meet still for ‘fun’ I’d not waste a second more on him.

He's a man who cheated on his wife. No wonder you don't trust him. If I were you, I'd be asking myself why I'm with a man I can't trust.

In fairness, she couldn’t compete with their 20 year history either being that he was nobbing his way through it. What do you see in him?

Yes you are

I’m friends with all my exes. Never been intimate again with any of them. Not once.

When we meet over coffee or whatever, it’s purely platonic. (No kids either.)

I have other friends who have similar relationships with their exes. It speaks to me of maturity (or can do - not sure about this guy obviously, how can I without knowing him.)

But it’s not always nefarious.

We were human beings who liked each other once as people. The romance aspect didn’t work out.

But we can still care about them as people and want to remain friends.

Oh, you've posted before about him, how he's already met your son but has no interest in him or spending time with the three of you and he needs alone time but you're lonely and want a lot more togetherness.

You're incompatible. Your attachment styles don't mesh, he's avoidant and you're anxious, you're lonely, he's not, he's not interested in kids at all, and that's besides the history of cheating and the "pity meets" with his ex he cheated on.