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Original poster

AIBU to be upset at my partner over this?

31 replies

rainbowsinheaven · 23/09/2025 16:40

So my mum has been on end-of-life care in a nursing home for the last few weeks.

My partner and I have been together nearly 5 years. We both have children from previous relationships.

He works shifts in the emergency services and was on nights last night. After I’d put my daughter to bed, I got a call from the nursing home to say my mum’s breathing was becoming difficult and that we should come if we wanted to be there.

I told my partner this. He was sympathetic, but he didn’t offer to come home. He asked if I was taking my daughter to her dad’s, and I said no—she was in bed, it was a school night, and I didn’t feel it was fair. He knows I don’t have anyone else close by to watch her, as we moved about 30 minutes away from my family to live in his area.

Sadly my mum passed away early this morning before I had to chance to get there due to childcare. I had been awake all night worrying and tried to call my partner but he didn’t answer when I got the news she’d passed.

AIBU for expecting him to come home or at least leave his phone on loud overnight? I’ve challenged him on this and he said that he didn’t hear his phone and if I wanted him to come home I should have told him and he’d have asked if he could. I think his instinct should have been to be there for me and that he’s selfish. My poor Mum died without me there 💔

OP posts:
RogerR4bbit · 23/09/2025 16:42

He was very selfish, I’m very sorry that you missed that time with you mum OP 😢

Bigearringsbigsmile · 23/09/2025 16:46

You should have asked. It was important to you so you should have asked.
If he works for the emergency services then leaving work mid shift would be very difficult I imagine.
Your child's dad should have been your first port of call. If you didn't want to wake her then perhaps he could have come to your house.
I m so sorry for your loss but I don't think your partner was unreasonable.

WatchingTheDetective · 23/09/2025 16:48

I'm so sorry you lost your mum.

This would be more than enough for me to end the relationship. What is the point of him if he can't help you when your mum is dying?

rwalker · 23/09/2025 16:51

Kindly the fact you didn’t take your daughter when you could of and not saying you need to go to your mum does give the impression it wasn’t urgent

Natty13 · 23/09/2025 16:55

You should have asked.

Arlanymor · 23/09/2025 16:56

I think it's perfectly fair to wake your child and ask her dad to take him in an emergency - if this occasion is not fair, then what occasion possibly can be? You made a choice and you didn't directly ask him to come home, so I'm sorry I can totally see his point, added to which he is doing a role which it is very difficult to leave at short notice. I am very sorry for your loss, it must be heartbreaking, but I don't think you can be annoyed at your partner in this instance.

Arlanymor · 23/09/2025 16:59

Also, because you are grieving, it could be colouring how you see this situation. You missed out on time with your mum and that's so very sad, of course it is. But please don't misdirect grief into blame. He said he would have come home if you'd asked and if he could, which should give you confidence that he is not selfish. He managed the situation as best he could, based on the information that he had been given, in the middle of managing his own high stress workload.

Original poster
rainbowsinheaven · 23/09/2025 17:14

Thank you for your condolences and opinions.
That’s why I asked, because I know I am grieving and judgement is clouded.
In hindsight I could have got my daughter up, but she would have asked too many questions and would have been very upset which is why I decided against it at the time.
I guess, even if I didn’t want to go and see my mum he would have known I’d need support. If the roles were reversed I’d have been there without a second thought.

OP posts:
Arlanymor · 23/09/2025 17:16

rainbowsinheaven · 23/09/2025 17:14

Thank you for your condolences and opinions.
That’s why I asked, because I know I am grieving and judgement is clouded.
In hindsight I could have got my daughter up, but she would have asked too many questions and would have been very upset which is why I decided against it at the time.
I guess, even if I didn’t want to go and see my mum he would have known I’d need support. If the roles were reversed I’d have been there without a second thought.

But your circumstances are not the same as his, so I don't think comparisons are fair, unless you work in emergency services too? If he's provided you with love and support since this happened and he's finished his shift then that shows you how he feels.

party4you · 23/09/2025 17:21

@Arlanymor i think you’re bang on

party4you · 23/09/2025 17:21

Sorry for your loss OP

C080889 · 23/09/2025 17:24

Hi OP
If partner is Police then trying to finish mid night shift / take a further call isnt always straight forward. Just giving perspective as I would find this hard to faciliate and have missed calls numerous times.

Sorry for your loss x

Spyship · 23/09/2025 17:33

Oh OP I'm just so sorry about your Mum.

Yes i would have expected your partner to want to be there for you when this happened.

ThreePears · 23/09/2025 17:41

Oh God, I'm so sorry. Flowers

He should have come home. No excuses. None.

SummerFrog25 · 23/09/2025 17:41

I'm very sorry to hear about your Mum & that you weren't with her at the time.

30minutes is no distance & id happily drive that to look after a child in thise circumstances, so I think you were a bit unreasonable not to ask someone to sit with DD.

yes, I'd be disappointed & hurt that he didn't think to ask how you wanted him to help (mind Dd or go with you) but I wouldn't be blaming him for me not being with my mum at the end.

ZoggyStirdust · 23/09/2025 17:44

ThreePears · 23/09/2025 17:41

Oh God, I'm so sorry. Flowers

He should have come home. No excuses. None.

None?
not being mid shift as part of the emergency service? Not the fact that op didn’t ask him? Not the fact she had alternatives she chose not to use?

op I’m really sorry for your loss, but I think grief is making you think more harshly of your partner than is really fair.

the posters egging you on in that, I can’t understand…

Wadadli · 23/09/2025 17:53

rainbowsinheaven · 23/09/2025 17:14

Thank you for your condolences and opinions.
That’s why I asked, because I know I am grieving and judgement is clouded.
In hindsight I could have got my daughter up, but she would have asked too many questions and would have been very upset which is why I decided against it at the time.
I guess, even if I didn’t want to go and see my mum he would have known I’d need support. If the roles were reversed I’d have been there without a second thought.

Deepest condolences for your loss 💐

Hatty65 · 23/09/2025 17:54

Those of you arguing 'he should have come home' would you be thrilled if you called an ambulance for a loved one and discovered that there wasn't anyone available because the bloke on nights had gone home to babysit his partner's child?

I wouldn't. It isn't just as easy as 'leave work' if you work for an emergency service. Other people depend on you and you can't just walk out.

lizzyBennet08 · 23/09/2025 17:55

Honestly it's not straight forward for emergency workers to leave mid shift. It would have been better if you had rang you ex and asked him to come over and stay for one night or else just asked your partner to ask permission to leave work.

ThreePears · 23/09/2025 18:28

ZoggyStirdust · 23/09/2025 17:44

None?
not being mid shift as part of the emergency service? Not the fact that op didn’t ask him? Not the fact she had alternatives she chose not to use?

op I’m really sorry for your loss, but I think grief is making you think more harshly of your partner than is really fair.

the posters egging you on in that, I can’t understand…

Show quote history

I held my mum's hand while she died. The OP has been denied that opportunity. If that happened to you and your loved one died, how would you feel?

Original poster
rainbowsinheaven · 23/09/2025 18:29

Firstly I’m not blaming him for me not being there at the end - no where have I said that.
i said aibu to be upset that he didn’t come home or pick up the phone to me.
it was late, none of my family or my ex would be up at that time and I wouldn’t want my ex in my house nor would my partner.

For the poster who said ‘the bloke on nights had gone home to babysit his partners child’ - how callous - I really don’t think it’s baby sitting when it’s a child that you live with - I’m glad I’m not part of your family if that’s how you think

OP posts:
Anchorage56 · 23/09/2025 18:32

rainbowsinheaven · 23/09/2025 18:29

Firstly I’m not blaming him for me not being there at the end - no where have I said that.
i said aibu to be upset that he didn’t come home or pick up the phone to me.
it was late, none of my family or my ex would be up at that time and I wouldn’t want my ex in my house nor would my partner.

For the poster who said ‘the bloke on nights had gone home to babysit his partners child’ - how callous - I really don’t think it’s baby sitting when it’s a child that you live with - I’m glad I’m not part of your family if that’s how you think

You haven't answered the obvious queries about his work. You say he works in emergency services, what job is it? That could help explain why he couldn't come home or hear his phone

Bananamanananana · 23/09/2025 18:34

I am sorry for your loss.

I think it depends a bit what he does. Emergency services is a very broad term.

LoveChristmas1234 · 23/09/2025 18:42

So very sorry for your loss, I think you need time to process this properly and you may possibly be deflecting your grief here.

That's lots of variables we don't know, like have they always shown up in the past for you, are they sympathetic usually, does he show compassion and support you?

If your unsure and don't think he does, then your gut would be wise to tell you that he possibly is abit selfish. If however this isn't his nature at all, then it's been a lack of communication on your side to be honest and ask him to of come home, I think that maybe hard for you to process at this stage, even if it was that you just needed the support and company from him, it's my experience that men are not mind readers and need to be told what we need.

I hope your okay.

Justcallmedaffodil · 23/09/2025 18:53

I’m sorry about your mum OP, but I agree with your DP. If you wanted him to come home then you should have asked him to, however in the first instance I’d have probably tried contacting your DC’s dad to ask if he could come over while you left to be with your mum. Either way, try not to let your need to blame someone else for the fact you weren’t there at the end affect your relationship with your DP if it’s otherwise good; objectively, it really wasn’t his fault, any more than it was yours. Sometimes these things just happen, unfortunately. Be kind to yourself.